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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For forcing DS to go to Scouts?

90 replies

Belovedgi · 19/05/2022 16:53

DS is 12, having problems making friends at secondary school. Some of the boys in his form go to the local Scouts. In fact there are a few boys from his old primary that go too.

DS has been twice now and is refusing to go back. Says it is boring and he feels awkward as everyone knows each other and are friends.

I told him he needs to go a few more times rather than just give up and the more times he goes the easier he will get. They do all sorts of fun activities like camping, going to the cinema and indoor wall climbing.

I NEED him to make more friends, get some confidence and ultimately leave the house to do stuff other than just going to school.

AIBU to force him to keep going? He says he hates it but I think in the end this would be good for him. I keep reading that joining clubs is the only way to make more friends.

OP posts:
sickofthisnonsense · 19/05/2022 17:26

Does he normally quite things.

Two weeks of maybe 1.5hrs doesn't really give anyone time to judge much.
They may have been finishing off badge work or something. Not every week will be fun.

If he seems happy at pickup then they and get him to keep on for a little while.

Summer is a tough term to start in because they may well be working at skills for camp so he may feel left out because he isn't going

Retrievemysanity · 19/05/2022 17:29

I wouldn’t force him. Nothing worse than dreading going somewhere if you don’t want to go. Does he still see his primary friends? What does he do with them/what did he do with them? Does he play an instrument or want to learn and join a band or orchestra maybe? Or could he just ask a couple of boys to the cinema or bowling or something like that? It’s a tricky age but if he’s had a lot of friends previously, at least he knows he is capable of making and keeping friends it just might take a bit of time to make new ones now he’s older.

SilverSplitsTheBlue · 19/05/2022 17:30

DS13 found Scouts too childish. So he joined the Sea Cadets. Army/Air Cadets look great fun too.

Imogensmumma · 19/05/2022 17:34

Hard one, I get why you want him to go and stay off blimin roblox ( or whatever it is called) so well done on encouraging something else.

I agree a bit longer at Scouts and then if he still doesn’t want to go after a few weeks fine, but then say ok he has to choose a different club/ sport to join. My DM made us do an activity during term didn’t matter what is was but we had to do a club or sport . Looking back glad she did that

MargaretThursday · 19/05/2022 17:34

I'm going to disagree with the majority here.
2 weeks he doesn't know yet if they're friendly really. If he's shy, he may be hanging back, and they may be awkward.

Op, I'd start off by asking him to give it until half term, or end of term. Then he can give up if he wants to.
Then I'd have a quiet word with the scout leader. Tell them he's struggling because he feels an outsider (and as someone who often feels an outside, it doesn't necessarily mean that they look like an outsider to an observer). They may be able to put him with a group that are doing something which is the best way to join in.
Time does make a difference, as he goes from the new boy to just one of the group.

It's also worth having a chat to school about what you've notice. Its easy for things like that to get passed under the radar. Are there clubs in school he could join? DD1 joined "history club" because it was cold and she didn't want to go outside in year 7 and found they were friendly.

One thing I did with my ds (when he was younger) is told him he had to do one thing, he picked a drama group because "it was only an hour". He moaned about it for a term and a half, and I said, fine he could drop it, but he had to choose something else. He couldn't find anything else. About 8 years later he's doing around 15 hours a week, and can't wait to get there every session. He's not a specially keen performer (unless he gets to miss school), but loves the classes and his group there.
If you don't feel scouts works for him. Have a look for something he might enjoy: Youth group, coding club, robot club, tennis, technical theatre, chess club, debating... let him choose and see how it goes.

4am · 19/05/2022 17:35

Why now switch it around a bit - scouts is fine but tbh a bit bland imo, especially for a teen - sea cadets offers so much more

Aroundtheworldin80moves · 19/05/2022 17:39

See if there's a teenage Warhammer group nearby.

Also.. try asking the leaders what the plan is in upcoming weeks. Ours are doing their survival badge at the moment, which some weeks means knife skills or fire lighting or cooking outdoors, but last week they had to do a tent check, which isn't quite as fun but necessary.

pinthehammer · 19/05/2022 17:44

Gingermoth · 19/05/2022 17:19

Very unreasonable, I was forced to go to Guides and I bloody hated it.

Same. I hated guides.

CapMarvel · 19/05/2022 17:46

Sit down with him and talk to him about classes/groups etc he would actually enjoy going to.

I was forced to go guides and hated every fucking moment of it because I didn't want to be there. That's not how you make friends.

HummingQuietly · 19/05/2022 17:48

It might actually be harder because he knows them all a bit. He might get on better in a group where he has a fresh slate.

YABU to force him because it's likely to backfire. I would encourage him to stick it out to maybe the end of June or something, and talk to the leaders.

Topseyt123 · 19/05/2022 17:50

Belovedgi · 19/05/2022 17:22

What was so wrong with Guides? I went and really enjoyed it!

You are not him though. You like or dislike different things, probably anyway.

I remember having to go to brownies and then later on to guides and really hated it. I'd spend the whole of the week just dreading the next time. I would far rather have been at home reading my book.

Polyethyl · 19/05/2022 17:51

I am a scout leader.
I have a scout that is shy and lurks at the edge and is only there because his parents sends him. I feel sorry for the lad. I try to get him to join in but I can't make him have fun.

MarvellousMay · 19/05/2022 17:53

I hated Guides too.

I wouldn't force him. I might bribe him to spend a couple more weeks there - until half term maybe just to give it a proper chance. If you offer something he really wants and he says no, you’ll have your answer.

actiongirl1978 · 19/05/2022 17:54

I was forced to keep going to guides. I was bullied on patrol camp, I hated the sheer hard work of it all (build your own sink stand, bedding rolls not modern sleeping bags, breaking up pallets with an axe on camp for firewood)

Why do you NEED him to make friends? I was very happy in my own company and my DS is 12 and does nothing for 8 weeks of the summer holiday except legs and watch movies.

I say let him choose.

actiongirl1978 · 19/05/2022 17:56

Sorry OP just saw you said he was feeling lonely.
I would still let things take their course rather than making him go.

Greensleeves · 19/05/2022 17:57

What is it with parents of preteens/young teens forcing them to participate in things they have said they don't want to do? There's been a whole rash of them lately. Confused

@FineWordsForAPorcupine gave you good advice when they said "love the child you have, not the one you want". Rather than dismissing it as cruel, maybe take the advice on board and consider it properly. Your OP is quite a lot about you and what you need - you need him to make more friends, you need him to be sociable. You're sociable, so why can't he be? When posters have shared with you that they were forced to go to Guides and hated it, your response was "what's wrong with Guides? I loved it"

Your DS isn't you! He's probably got enough on his plate socially adjusting to secondary school. He has told you he does not want to continue with Scouts - you may feel crestfallen about that, because in your opinion the activities they do are great fun, but your child doesn't agree, so that should be that. He's at an age when you need to be beginning to cede a bit of control to him, and allowing him to have some boundaries and some agency over his time.

Lavenderlast · 19/05/2022 18:01

Clubs are a great idea to make friends. Well done for helping and pushing him.

A club full of boys who have already rejected him at school - I’m not so sure, I’d find that tricky but it could help at school depending on whether the other boys just haven’t got to know him at school, or if they just are different personalities to him. Is worth trying for a couple more sessions though, maybe even a full term if he’s (like my son) the kind of boy who rejects everything and wants to stay on the sofa with nintendo. If he can’t find friends there after a few weeks - a term then it’s time to try something else.

Do also look out for clubs where he can reinvent himself without being around school people. Like drama club, sea/army cadets, coding, street dance, fencing, sailing, see what else is near you.

Topseyt123 · 19/05/2022 18:12

Greensleeves · 19/05/2022 17:57

What is it with parents of preteens/young teens forcing them to participate in things they have said they don't want to do? There's been a whole rash of them lately. Confused

@FineWordsForAPorcupine gave you good advice when they said "love the child you have, not the one you want". Rather than dismissing it as cruel, maybe take the advice on board and consider it properly. Your OP is quite a lot about you and what you need - you need him to make more friends, you need him to be sociable. You're sociable, so why can't he be? When posters have shared with you that they were forced to go to Guides and hated it, your response was "what's wrong with Guides? I loved it"

Your DS isn't you! He's probably got enough on his plate socially adjusting to secondary school. He has told you he does not want to continue with Scouts - you may feel crestfallen about that, because in your opinion the activities they do are great fun, but your child doesn't agree, so that should be that. He's at an age when you need to be beginning to cede a bit of control to him, and allowing him to have some boundaries and some agency over his time.

Have to say that I agree with this.

I also thought @FineWordsForAPorcupine gave fair and reasonable advice. OP took offence for some reason though.

He is not you, OP. He likes and dislikes different things. You might be a social butterfly, he doesn't have to be. You might have loved the activities that scouts and guides do, but you can't force him to love them if he just doesn't.

Perhaps he feels lonely when he goes to scouts because it isn't really his thing so he doesn't feel inclined to join in much. Perhaps he likes his own company at home or with his small group of school friends.

You don't NEED him to make more friends. Maybe you just don't understand people who don't mix in big circles of friends so you are on his back a lot. Maybe you need to back off and let him be himself, whilst being there to support when needed. Support and advise, but not push and dictate. Sorry if I have that wrong, but it does read as though that is your approach, intentionally or not.

nearlyspringyay · 19/05/2022 18:13

Belovedgi · 19/05/2022 17:22

What was so wrong with Guides? I went and really enjoyed it!

Just wasn't my thing, I'd much rather have been at the stables or in a swimming pool.

bellac11 · 19/05/2022 18:19

Its difficult to get the balance right.

Personally I cant bear anything structured, hate school. But wasnt encouraged to join clubs and because I was shy I didnt argue because it would have been painful to do so, but equally I often felt left out of things

But some clubs and activities are so boring, do you have exciting things near you like
bmx club
mountain biking clubs
board games cafe clubs
rock choir for kids
steel drumming or something funky like that

All places that are nothing like school but exciting and different

TheYearOfSmallThings · 19/05/2022 18:22

I think you are right to keep pushing him, at this age, and when he is declining to do other activities. I would have a word with the scout leader and see if she can arrange groups so he's not the odd one out with an established friendship group, but in a truly mixed bunch.

I would never extend "love the child you have" to mean "never push them out of their comfort zone". Some people are hesitant and could easily retreat from the world, and the older they are the more they fall behind the usual teenage experiences. If they want to retreat as an adult that is their choice to make, but at the age of 12? No way. Unless he has other ideas then he needs to give this a longer trial, and pick up something else (sport, music group, martial arts - anything) if he does quit later.

TooManyPJs · 19/05/2022 18:23

If he struggles to make friends in school going to clubs that have those same people is just awful and like a extension of the hideousness that is school. I speak as someone who also struggled to make friends and was bullied.

Why don't you offer a deal - he can give up scouts if he finds another club or activity to replace it. You could come up with a list of suggestions for him. He also needs to find something that works for him that involves getting away from a screen and getting some exercise. Perhaps he'd prefer something solitary?

I also hated guides btw. Bullying was even worse there.

I am ND and what you describe is a common problem for ND people. Maybe something worth looking into if you haven't done so already.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 19/05/2022 18:24

Just wasn't my thing, I'd much rather have been at the stables or in a swimming pool.

If the OP's son was raring to go to the stables or swimming pool she would care about scouts. She just wants him to do something a bit social that gets him out in the world.

Darbs76 · 19/05/2022 18:24

I still remember being forced to go to the brownies as a kid, as my mum paid for a second hand uniform. No it didn’t scar me for life but I’ve never forgotten it and never forced myself to go to clubs. And trust me my eldest needed to go really but no point forcing someone

Bubblesandsqueak1 · 19/05/2022 18:28

Write a list of local clubs sports ect and get him to try 1 new thing a month to see what he likes I did this with ds turns out he loved a few different ones like archery, and rugby he was never into sports before though