For forcing DS to go to Scouts?

[Belovedgi]

DS is 12, having problems making friends at secondary school. Some of the boys in his form go to the local Scouts. In fact there are a few boys from his old primary that go too.

DS has been twice now and is refusing to go back. Says it is boring and he feels awkward as everyone knows each other and are friends.

I told him he needs to go a few more times rather than just give up and the more times he goes the easier he will get. They do all sorts of fun activities like camping, going to the cinema and indoor wall climbing.

I NEED him to make more friends, get some confidence and ultimately leave the house to do stuff other than just going to school.

AIBU to force him to keep going? He says he hates it but I think in the end this would be good for him. I keep reading that joining clubs is the only way to make more friends.

You need to find him the right activities. He is most likely to find friends who are enthusiastic about the kind of things he is excited about.

I found the same with my son. When I was 12 I joined the army cadets and stayed until I joined the army at 16 I loved it as does my son they do lots of outdoor activity and military stuff too as well as using adapted weapons on the ranges ,then there are weekends away èaster and summer camps I'm 41 now but still I touch with many cadet friends . He maý find something like this more interesting he will only resent going if forced and kind of defeats the object of going to make friends.

It’s exhausting, because you’re making it exhausting. Leave the poor kid alone, he will find his own way. Forcing people to do none essential things is a recipe for resentment.

I'm torn on this one. I usually would say I wouldn't let my kids give up an activity on a whim, I'd tend to suggest they give it half a term or so. But then I've only ever signed them up for things they wanted to do, at least at first.

I do think encouraging a child to experience new things, do something non screen based and meet new people is a positive thing, not just from the point of view of making friends but for general well-being. But if he's taken against Scouts, and it wasn't his idea in the first place you may not win this one because you pushing it will make him more determined to hate it.

I'd say he has to go to some kind of club or activity outside of the house but he can choose what (within reason) If he's uninspired try to find as many different possibilities to suggest as possible and say he has to try one for a half term to see how he gets on.

The thing you’ll find with most clubs is that the same kids will have been there since they were about 5! So beavers / cubs / scouts, football is particularly bad for it, swimming if the whole cohort have been together since beginners one. It’s really hard to join at age 12, and even more so if he’s not really into it. Maybe finding something which is for older dc only or a new club starting up. Sometimes libraries run coding clubs, or tabletop gaming, that might be more his thing. But being an introvert isn’t a character flaw!

I’m actually with you. It’s worth it to commit to things and I’d encourage him to continue him to continue, at least for a while. Two sessions and he won’t have found he is feet properly.

Did he want to go or did you initiate it?
If he wanted to go I would encourage him to go for a term.
If it came from you and he doesn't like it I would be more amenable to him stopping.

I'd ask him to try for a couple more weeks (or to half term whenever that is) and if he still doesn't like it he can choose something else but have a rule that he must do at least one activity. That's a rule I've had for my DD since she started school and its been great for meeting new people and making friends outside of her class at school but there's been times when she's been reluctant so I've said finish the term then choose something else and she ended up sticking with them after all.

How would you feel if someone FORCED you to do something you didn't want to do. There are different groups that he might like, swimming, athletics, football or whatever he is interested in. I feel sorry for him

Rugby, judo, boxing one of the cadet forces?
All encourage & reward commitment, hard work & comradeship as well fostering discipline & confidence.

Why not limit Roblox and ask him to choose an activity indoors or outdoors that he can do instead? There's no point forcing him to be sociable if he hates it! That'll just make him miserable. A hobby would be great but that could be model making in your front room, whatever, he really doesn't need to be social. If he is shy and introverted that's his personality and there's nothing wrong in it! All this social stuff will sap his happiness.

Yes, I think that's very unreasonable. He says it's boredom and feeling awkward but what if it's comments and things he's not told you about? It would make his school situation worse.

I would leave him be on this one and just work with him on his confidence myself by taking him places he would actually like to go on weekends, and mixing with children outside of school.

School just shoves a group of people the same age together and that's that. There's not one reason you would make friends with someone just because they are the same age, and this is contrary to how friendships work in the real world.

I don't have any friends from school, few people do. If he gets through school then great, but you should be offering to do something else with him instead of trying to force him into a situation which sounds absolutely horrible for him because it's the same people he can't get on with daily, and you want him to spend MORE time with them?

You have no idea the ripping he is going to get if he's seen as someone whose mummy is trying to force him to be friends.

Why do you NEED him to make more friends?! Some people are introverts. I don’t understand forcing someone to do something they hate just because it’s something YOU find appealing.

Is it Scouts that he dislikes or just the particular group, as they can vary? Maybe a different one could be better.

My sons went to Cubs group where there was a large clique of boys who all knew each other from school/since they were very young and were resistant to anyone else joining in with them. My two sons who are fairly close in age are completely opposite in personality but neither of them could penetrate the group and DS2 who was a bit younger was bullied by them. One of the boy’s mum was a leader, which I think made the other leaders reluctant to do anything about it because there was a shortage of adult volunteers. My two both left early in the end, which was a pity because live fairly rurally and there’s very little else in terms of clubs here.

That was YOU! Many girls LOATHE Girl Guides. I couldn't think of anything worse if I tried. I feel you are trying to force your personality on your son and you should back off! Some of us are quiet and shy and would hate Guides/Scouts with the passion of a thousand sons. Stop trying to force your son to be like you, you're being selfish. If he wanted to go, he'd go. Let him find his own way. If he wants to stay in his room reading, let him. Leave him alone. He'll find his own way. Parents who force their extrovert personality on an introvert really boil my blood.

Guides and Scouts have changed a lit in the past 20-30 years. Our experiences as kids is pretty irrelevant to how our kids feel about it.

If he's a quieter child who doesn't enjoy being in big groups, maybe something less rowdy and more focused would appeal to him. Are there any board game clubs/shops nearby? They might run Dungeons and Dragons sessions and that kind of thing. Coding clubs? Book groups for teens?

Or outdoor volunteering helping at local parks/reserves etc? Some places run these sorts of programmes especially for young people.

My son is younger, 7, but I can relate. I've made him go to a few clubs over the last couple of years. Given the choice he would always choose not to go, but he's not miserable once he is there,and it means he has learnt to swim, parkour, play football.

I think it's a good lesson for life - give things a try before you decide if it's not for you. Plus it shows that if you want to make new friends it all starts with meeting new people.

Mine still spends 5/7 nights on minecraft so ge gets to choose his own downtime.

Maybe explain that you think it's important to do something in the week, if he wants to suggest another activity then you can book that, until then scouts it is.

Also, if he finds he doesn't gel with the kids there, there are usually other scout groups around so he might find his tribe there.

This is spot on.

other things to try include rock climbing, archery, and fencing.

Summers bring a variety of opportunities for exploration with camps/clubs aimed at this age group. Science, coding, digital art, physical art, archaeology, and even Roblox. If your goal is for him to meet people and make friends, then giving him the opportunity to spend time with kids with similar interests is a great way to do that.

I wouldn't force him to go.
DS tried cubs back in the day and absolutely hated it. It was too noisy ( not well run, sadly, a lot of shouting ). He didn’t want to join any other clubs or activities. Meanwhile his twin sister loved Brownies, ballet and later several choirs and the local Youth Orchestra. Apart from swimming, which we insisted on and he enjoyed, DS did nothing outside school.
Then suddenly he asked
to join Army Cadets and loved it. There is something for everyone.

He was about 14 by then.

I am torn too on this one!

I feel like I was that kid. I had friends at primary and then at secondary felt out of my depth and shy and like everyone had changed overnight and left me behind. I gave up the couple of clubs I went to as well.

I always wanted friends too but didn’t have a clue HOW to get them. My few friends I had all known since I was 3/4. I kind of wish someone had given me some advice eg ‘ask people questions about themselves’ and that my parents had forced me to do or continue a club. But I don’t actually know how that would have been - a club might have just been another place to feel lonely and not fit in.*

I recognise your son saying it is ‘boring’ too. My son says things are boring when he actually means they are difficult. And I agree with a PP who said there may even be bullying happening. Is there any way to get more detail from him? (Easier said than done I know)

*PS I grew out of it to an extent and felt more comfortable by year 10/11 and then much better once I left school. Still much prefer to get to know people when we are doing something such as a work task together than small talk though!

Ok I think I will not force him to go on Monday. I have told him that I’d like him to do one club at school and to choose one from the list.

I just feel he needs to try some clubs to try and make new friends and I have been told that clubs are the way to go. Appreciate scouts might not be his cup of tea but looking at their planned list of activities I know they do stuff that he’d enjoy like indoor climbing and bowling. Definitely no bullying going on. DH said when he dropped DS off and picked him up everyone was really friendly and a lot of these boys he was good friends with.

Thanks for everyone’s thoughts!

Ok I think I will not force him to go on Monday. I have told him that I’d like him to do one club at school and to choose one from the list.

I just feel he needs to try some clubs to try and make new friends and I have been told that clubs are the way to go. Appreciate scouts might not be his cup of tea but looking at their planned list of activities I know they do stuff that he’d enjoy like indoor climbing and bowling. Definitely no bullying going on. DH said when he dropped DS off and picked him up everyone was really friendly and a lot of these boys he was good friends with.

Thanks for everyone’s thoughts