For forcing DS to go to Scouts?

[Belovedgi]

DS is 12, having problems making friends at secondary school. Some of the boys in his form go to the local Scouts. In fact there are a few boys from his old primary that go too.

DS has been twice now and is refusing to go back. Says it is boring and he feels awkward as everyone knows each other and are friends.

I told him he needs to go a few more times rather than just give up and the more times he goes the easier he will get. They do all sorts of fun activities like camping, going to the cinema and indoor wall climbing.

I NEED him to make more friends, get some confidence and ultimately leave the house to do stuff other than just going to school.

AIBU to force him to keep going? He says he hates it but I think in the end this would be good for him. I keep reading that joining clubs is the only way to make more friends.

I'd encourage him to go till maybe the end of next month or term end see how he goes does he get on with the boys there ? Maybe look for a mixed group activity. I don't think kids should be forced to go to things they hate but don't give up after 2 sessions.

None of mine ever made friends at scouts/guides etc.

I think joining clubs to make friends kind of doesn’t work. You need to just go to a club you enjoy (whatever age) and then if you make friends it’s a bonus. So think of it that way round.

Also, your idea that it’s the only way to make friends is not right either. My then 12 yr old made a tonne of friends through Snapchat, friends of classmates etc that she then met up with and became friends irl.

Has he got no friends at all at school? Do you know why/is there anything there you can help with?

Scouts is pretty full on with the social side though - the climbing and bowling etc is all a bunch of kids socialising. He might stand more chance in a more structured thing that is more about a particular activity or skill. It takes the social pressure off.

I had similar issues with guiding. But my 9yo had been since 5 and started fining it boring after only 8m in person. She wasnt wrong. She got only 1 badge at the hut so they werent doing anything and it was disorganised. Every 3 weeks there was another party. So shes left but it is a bit sad as she only has 1 friend. And i had hoped so much to hang on till guides when different leader and kids might have improved things maybe some actual trips. So i guess i was pushing her to stay but like your ds otherwise it would only be roblox.
I think.mine is asd though. So all the parties tryig to get them dancing and loud music didnt belp. More focus on badges would have helped. Generally she is hard to.get to do any 'work' stuff

So OP you are still forcing your will on him, telling him he has to do a club and 'pick from the list'.

FFS, why can't you just leave him alone? You will lose him when he's older if you keep trying to change his personality, and I hope you do, because you will deserve it!

Oh gosh op it's so hard isn't it?!

I’ve preciously commented saying why not try for half a term or a term. I’m commenting again for balance

We have a few DC and doing things differently with younger ones. older ones were allowed to not join in things, give up if they didn’t like it etc. now missing some key skills needed in life. Sitting playing computer games which get more violent as they grow older is not helpful at a stage in their life when they should be developing.

youngest one has to do lots of clubs etc if left to own devices would sit playing Roblox. They haven’t had to do al of the clubs if they really don’t like them but we’ve had activities where they cried for first two sessions are now their favourite thing they look forward to in the week.
also an activity they really wanted to do they did not get on with.

Parenting is not succumbing to children’s wants and wishes which can be fickle.

It does, but it sounds like these boys are at the same school or were.

OP are there other units locally he could go to where the kids will be different and he actually can make new friends who are not at the same school?

When my ds did scouts the kids mainly attended the other secondary school in our town which was good for him. However, he didn't really enjoy it as time went on and eventually stopped after about two years. It is worth encouraging for a bit, but if they really don't like it, it's not worth it and better to find something else.

Forcing people to do things doesn't build resilience just resentment.

Another Scout Leader here. We (as a Leadership team) would really want to know if a child is struggling. Scouts is meant to be inclusive of all, and while completely recognise it’s not everyone cup of tea, I would be sad if a child left because they didn’t get on with anyone else, or they felt excluded in anyway.

As a leader there are lots of approaches we could take, if we knew the issue. If you think he would enjoy some of the activities Scouts get up to and have planned, perhaps persevere for a few weeks, working with the Leaders.

tbf - 2 weeks is not really trying!

FFS, why can't you just leave him alone? You will lose him when he's older if you keep trying to change his personality, and I hope you do, because you will deserve it!

Seriously, what is wrong with you MintIceCream?

She's his parent. She probably 'forces her will' (parents) on him lots of times, makes him go to school, makes him pick up his socks, makes him do the washing up etc etc

Its good parenting to try to encourage him to experiment with different interests and activities and to enhance his social skills.

Scouts are so grim I don't blame him! Encourage him to join activities he would like.

I forced my son to go to Beavers and cubs. After the covid break, he was due to start scouts. No way was he going. He's 11. No point in forcing things they feel strongly about. Though I have to say, he was always having a good time when I picked him up 🙄

You could invest a bribe. Tell him that you will pay him £X if he attends Scouts for one term. IF he still doesn't like Scouts at the end of the pact, he can then leave.

@OneCup rude and unfounded. Maybe you had a bad experience but not everyone does and it is massively beneficial for a majority of children. So respectful Fuck you and your 'Scouts is grim'

I've been involved in scouts all my adult life.
Last night I ran Beavers and Explorers.

The Explorers are in the midst of their exams at 14-18. It's their choice what they do with their time and Out leadership team is not shy about telling parents not to make kids come.

I had 22 kids at explorers last night. Some have started bringing friends along who haven't been involved before. It's great. They plan & run their own programme mostly. In this term we mainly do games and the leaders do the planning because of exams.

The scouts are currently working on their project to twin the hall toilets as a charity venture. This was their chosen charity idea.

Scouting has been proven to build resilience, confidence and presents opportunities that may not always be possible outside.
Is it for everyone? No, but it's not grim!