That my in-laws are flying back to Malaysia the week before my sons 1st birthday

[Worthit1990]

So my retired in-laws are fulfilling their life's dream to sail around the world in their yacht.
They'd done really well and reached as far as Malaysia when the lockdown hit and had to come back to the UK for issues it caused them due to medical reasons.
They then spent 2 years 'stuck' in the UK, living rent free, sofa surfing around relatives' houses. We put them up for nearly 4 months on and off.
When I fell pregnant however, we asked them to leave as we wanted some space to get things ready (they were living in what is now the nursery).
They felt very upset we asked them to leave, but knew they couldn't really argue.
So, they've been back in Malaysia since Jan'22, but due to visa issues are having to come back for a few weeks.
We've offered for them to come and stay so we can see them before they go back.
They've been sailing for nearly 14years now and we usually only see them once a year, so have no idea when they'll be back again.
Now the crux is that they've decided to leave the week before my sons 1st birthday.
They have an open return ticket, so not it's not like they have to leave on this date.
This naturally has upset my dh, as he'd like to have them there for the family party. It's a special day for us and family (or so we thought).
His sister lives in Mexico, so it's literally just my family coming.
My MIL is always going on about how much she misses my son (never HER son), and yet when it comes down to it, they've made it very clear where their priorities lie.
AIBU here? Should I say something (gently) to them explaining how hurtful this is?
I've tried encouraging my dh to, but he's so scared of 'losing them' as they have a history of cutting close family out of their lives over disagreements.
I appreciate they put their life on hold for 2yrs because of CoVid and are anxious to get back, but it really does feel like a kick in the teeth.
I go above and beyond to send pics of little one and email updates about our lives, asking about theirs etc.
It's making me think twice about trying so hard now.
I generally have a good relationship with them, though have always thought them to be very selfish people in general.

Any advice??

You're allowed time to yourself Monday-Friday 10-2 (unless schools closed for whatever reason) and as long as you've had confirmation your grandchild isn't off sick so you're not needed for emergency free childcare with a poorly kid. If the child is poorly in the day and gets sent home from school, you need to ensure you can pick them up. So enjoy yourself, but no more than 2 miles from home.

It's your own fault really. You chose to have children. It's what you signed up for

This is an excellent point.

you were pretty brutal asking them to leave when you did, they probably don't want to impose.

It is a hard truth but literally nobody cares as much about your child's 1st birthday as you do. And given how air fares fluctuate etc, it is not surprising that they don't want to change their plans now.

Just relax, have a relaxed attitude to seeing them as they do to seeing you. And probably it would be better to leave communication with them to your DH.

OP - I get that it must have been very stressful to have them staying as long as they did during the pandemic (although there wasn’t a great deal they could have done about that). I wouldn’t want to live with my own parents for four months, let alone my in-laws.

However, it seems like you wanted them to go when it suited you, but now when it suits you for them to stay, you’re angry that they won’t. You can’t really have it both ways. They will be spending several weeks with you, and their grandson - isn’t that more important than being there on one particular day?

I think YABU about the first birthday, I don't like how dismissive some on MN are about early milestones but I don't think it's something so significant people would need to put something this significant on hold for it. It could just be celebrated early.

I understand that it is probably quite sad for your DH having no family in the country though, so I don't think he'd be totally unreasonable to feel down about it.

But if they were staying nearby and had the option to stick around for a party but chose not too, would that not feel different?

It's doesn't matter. Baby won't have a clue, and you don't need to make an issue of it.

It’s a first birthday party. The only people who really care about babies’ birthdays are the parents of the PFB

Strange responses here OP.
You had them staying in what was to be the nursery for 4 months... 4 MONTHS...when you were pregnant. You are pretty much a saint! 3 weeks notice to leave and 6 weeks to settle as a couple before your first child is amazingly reasonable. You went above and beyond.
Their choice to travel but then MIL tears at missing Christmas with you when it is their CHOICE was extremely emotionally manipulative. Now, when it suits them and there are no limitations they are choosing to miss a family milestone for the sake of 7 days.
They sound supremely selfish. I would let them go and don't bend over to accommodate plans as they clearly take no one into consideration themselves. Enjoy them for who they are but have clear boundaries in place.

@DrinkFeckArseBrick You are so right. Some people on here put massive store on birthdays, anniversaries etc- and others including relatives simply don't. My in laws were big card senders on every occasion- Easter, anniversaries, birthdays etc - and I think initially didn't quite get that whilst I will send birthday cards- that's it as far as my card sending goes. For some their life IS their family- others just simply aren't that way

I'm assuming that if they are retired and have been travelling the world for 14 years now, they must be on the elderly side - late 60s or older? If so they may not have many active years left. At some point old age will catch up with them and they will be forced to settle down somewhere. For this reason I think YABU to want them to delay their plans to attend a party of a baby who will be completely oblivious to the whole thing.

I'm only 60. I took early retirement two years ago to travel the world and have wasted 2 of those years stuck at home. I don't intend to waste any more time - I will be travelling as much as possible while I'm still fit and active.

Additonally, your IL sound like they are very independent people so it must have been galling and frustrating for them to have spent so much time living in other peoples houses, dependent on the good will of their relations. I don't blame them at all for wanting to return to their preferred way of life ASAP.