That my in-laws are flying back to Malaysia the week before my sons 1st birthday

[Worthit1990]

So my retired in-laws are fulfilling their life's dream to sail around the world in their yacht.
They'd done really well and reached as far as Malaysia when the lockdown hit and had to come back to the UK for issues it caused them due to medical reasons.
They then spent 2 years 'stuck' in the UK, living rent free, sofa surfing around relatives' houses. We put them up for nearly 4 months on and off.
When I fell pregnant however, we asked them to leave as we wanted some space to get things ready (they were living in what is now the nursery).
They felt very upset we asked them to leave, but knew they couldn't really argue.
So, they've been back in Malaysia since Jan'22, but due to visa issues are having to come back for a few weeks.
We've offered for them to come and stay so we can see them before they go back.
They've been sailing for nearly 14years now and we usually only see them once a year, so have no idea when they'll be back again.
Now the crux is that they've decided to leave the week before my sons 1st birthday.
They have an open return ticket, so not it's not like they have to leave on this date.
This naturally has upset my dh, as he'd like to have them there for the family party. It's a special day for us and family (or so we thought).
His sister lives in Mexico, so it's literally just my family coming.
My MIL is always going on about how much she misses my son (never HER son), and yet when it comes down to it, they've made it very clear where their priorities lie.
AIBU here? Should I say something (gently) to them explaining how hurtful this is?
I've tried encouraging my dh to, but he's so scared of 'losing them' as they have a history of cutting close family out of their lives over disagreements.
I appreciate they put their life on hold for 2yrs because of CoVid and are anxious to get back, but it really does feel like a kick in the teeth.
I go above and beyond to send pics of little one and email updates about our lives, asking about theirs etc.
It's making me think twice about trying so hard now.
I generally have a good relationship with them, though have always thought them to be very selfish people in general.

Any advice??

One of my sons is going on holiday (no choice of dates as g/f’s gp’s timeshare) with his g/f a couple of days before his brother’s 18th Birthday. Life goes on!

You kicked them out, but you want them around for a 1st birthday. You can't have your cake and eat it I'm afraid

YABU

I don’t think it’s a matter of not being able to comprehend all the wonderful experiences the world has to offer you, it’s about not being able to comprehend how you amass enough money to allow you to do it all for years and years!

Yabu.

There are two sorts of people. Those who put a lot of store in very young childrens parties as a big milestone and should be a big family event, and those who are more pragmatic and think when they are that small, they won't know it's their birthday, they wont realise who is attending, they will get really overwhelmed with a party, and any celebration can easily be moved to a more convenient time. Like a couple of weeks either side of their birthday.

I don't think either is right or wrong but I do think its not worth falling out over and I don't think they will have meant any offense

First child by any chance OP?

Ah! Well in my dad’s case, you do it cheaply! If you don’t own the yacht but have sailing experience you can often join someone travelling around the world that needs help (there’d be two or three on a small boat so they can take turns to sail at night, for example). And they’d find cheap accommodation when they arrived places, and cheap, out of season, flights etc. Shop for food in local
markets etc. A lot of these countries are very cheap once you leave the five star, all inclusive type places. In his home life my dad has inexpensive tastes and invested his severance well. He’s never spent much money on posh cars etc.

I wouldn’t have a party a week early just to please them. They made their choice to miss out.

You're massively overreacting. It's your kids first birthday, special to you of course but not so much to anyone else. They've raised their kids and now presumably want to do their own thing. Leave them to it.If you want to involve them get a little cake and cut it but otherwise accept that it isn't as important to them as it is to you. I wouldn't deliberately withhold photos of your child as that is mean.

I totally understand your upset OP, you'd like to think that as grandparents they would WANT to be there to celebrate special occasions for your child, especially when they are normally so far away and they are going to be in the country until literally just a few days before. YANBU.

Just have a party on a different day.

when our children were young, DH worked a complicated shift pattern.
We moved lots of birthdays and several Christmases/Easters and Bonfirenights to whatever day fitted his work schedule.

A first birthday party is what? Sitting around for a couple of hours drinking tea and eating birthday cake, while the uncomprehending dc either sleeps, cries or plays with the carboard box a present came in (or tries to eat the wrapping paper). It honestly isn't a big deal. Maybe for you, as it is a year since you gave birth, but not for anybody else.

I'd stay out of it. If they cut your DH out because of it he won't thank you.

It’s a first birthday, your baby won’t even be aware of it! I could sort of understand if the child was older and would be personally upset they wouldn’t be there but your baby doesn’t even have a concept of birthdays. What are you expecting the, to do with your son on his birthday that they can’t do with him any other day they’re there in the run up to his birthday? Honestly, first birthdays are only really a big deal for the parents, you’re definitely overthinking this.

You are being ridiculous OP.

Kicking them out the way you did is far more hurtful than this.

This. I think we did DS’s first birthday ‘party’ a week early because I was away at a conference. All our families were in our home country, either way. I th8nk we Skyped.

So they were unexpectedly around when your ds was born but you distanced them. But you now expect them to visit to mark the one year birthday and rearrange plans around it? Seems a bit inconsistent. The only people who need to celebrate your ds bday on the day are you and your ds. Have a get together before they leave.

The thing about birthdays and your own babies, is that noone else is as invested as you are. And that's ok. They've had their kids, raised them (all be it you say selfishly) worked retired and obviously are eager to get back to their earned travelling. They don't see your child regularly have no real bond with them and are 'selfishly' living their own life. Baby doesn't know it's their birthday and doesn't care, grandparents have other priorities, have a meal a cake and a farewell granny and grandpa dinner and be done with it. If indeed they were selfish when raising your dp why is he suprised. Think I'd be letting this one go and waving them off with monthly email updates tbh 🤷🏻‍♀️

🤣🤣🤣

Just have a birthday tea with them a week early. A party for a 1yo is for the adults anyway. Don't think this would bother me in the least!

Have to agree with everyone else.
This really is a none issue.
They been with you and spent time with you. If you want to have a photo with them blowing out candles with your dc, then stick some candles in a cake before they go - the baby will not be aware, this is just for you.
Honestly OP. first birthdays are only important to the parents.

I had family round for tea for all of my dcs' 1st birthdays, but it was just a hook to get people together - the date doesn't really matter. I doubt any of them were on the actual day, same as when I have been for tea parties for my nieces and nephews.

So you kicked them out when it suited you, and now you want them to show up because it suits you?

Nah. He won't even know. YABU.

I don’t get this at all.

In a pandemic, even though you had room, you asked them to leave while you were pregnant, because they were in the nursery? The ‘they knew they had no choice’ seems a bit gleeful.

I am sure your dh wishes they were more hands on. But that’s not them. He has always known it was them. They are visiting and seeing your child and your dh.

First birthdays are definitely for the family. Not the child. If it’s that important you do it before they go.

You being ott. Celebrate a week early. A one year old isnt bothered by their birthday. The party for you not your son

Your being precious. First birthdays are not remembered by the baby so I wouldn't care. Your family will be there anyway