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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

That my in-laws are flying back to Malaysia the week before my sons 1st birthday

86 replies

Worthit1990 · 18/05/2022 20:44

So my retired in-laws are fulfilling their life's dream to sail around the world in their yacht.
They'd done really well and reached as far as Malaysia when the lockdown hit and had to come back to the UK for issues it caused them due to medical reasons.
They then spent 2 years 'stuck' in the UK, living rent free, sofa surfing around relatives' houses. We put them up for nearly 4 months on and off.
When I fell pregnant however, we asked them to leave as we wanted some space to get things ready (they were living in what is now the nursery).
They felt very upset we asked them to leave, but knew they couldn't really argue.
So, they've been back in Malaysia since Jan'22, but due to visa issues are having to come back for a few weeks.
We've offered for them to come and stay so we can see them before they go back.
They've been sailing for nearly 14years now and we usually only see them once a year, so have no idea when they'll be back again.
Now the crux is that they've decided to leave the week before my sons 1st birthday.
They have an open return ticket, so not it's not like they have to leave on this date.
This naturally has upset my dh, as he'd like to have them there for the family party. It's a special day for us and family (or so we thought).
His sister lives in Mexico, so it's literally just my family coming.
My MIL is always going on about how much she misses my son (never HER son), and yet when it comes down to it, they've made it very clear where their priorities lie.
AIBU here? Should I say something (gently) to them explaining how hurtful this is?
I've tried encouraging my dh to, but he's so scared of 'losing them' as they have a history of cutting close family out of their lives over disagreements.
I appreciate they put their life on hold for 2yrs because of CoVid and are anxious to get back, but it really does feel like a kick in the teeth.
I go above and beyond to send pics of little one and email updates about our lives, asking about theirs etc.
It's making me think twice about trying so hard now.
I generally have a good relationship with them, though have always thought them to be very selfish people in general.

Any advice??

OP posts:
MsTSwift · 19/05/2022 06:17

Ha this brings back memories- when our pfb was one we wanted a little family gathering as she was the first gc my parents were as equally as obsessed as we were.

Rang mil she hadn’t event clocked the date and flatly refused to take a day off work (they were self employed at the time). I remember being quite horrified! 14 years later glad I didnt say anything and I slightly cringe at the strength of my feelings then!

girlmom21 · 19/05/2022 06:24

They're probably very uncomfortable living in your home after you previously told them they'd outstayed their welcome and now they're not staying for long enough. They can't really win, can they.

Your son won't know it's his birthday. He won't remember who was or wasn't there.

Have the party a week early if it means so much.

GreenFingeredNell15 · 19/05/2022 06:28

Choose your battles. Celebrate before they leave. Stop over dramatising

Oneborneverydecade · 19/05/2022 06:33

Jeelypieces20storeys · 18/05/2022 22:01

I totally understand your upset OP, you'd like to think that as grandparents they would WANT to be there to celebrate special occasions for your child, especially when they are normally so far away and they are going to be in the country until literally just a few days before. YANBU.

I agree with this PP. And I say that as someone whose parents have missed a few of my (3) DC's birthdays due to holidays and didn't mind. It seems that you probably won't see them for a while and so it would be nice if they wanted to attend.
And to all those kicking the OP for asking the PIL to leave; I can't imagine many of you would chose to invite your PIL to stay for 4 months during a pregnancy, covid or not. I wouldn't be thrilled

Choufleurfromage · 19/05/2022 06:46

At 12 months, your child is highly unlikely to be traumatised by the non-attendance of its grandparents at its birthday party
Clearly some issues between you pil and dh causing him some anxiety, but do get a grip;, they want/perhaps need to to go despite knowing the birthday is approaching, so no piont stressing. Your baby will not notice!!

username39583 · 19/05/2022 06:47

Agree with @Oneborneverydecade. They stayed with you for 4 months that's very accommodating.

Andromachehadabadday · 19/05/2022 06:52

Oneborneverydecade · 19/05/2022 06:33

I agree with this PP. And I say that as someone whose parents have missed a few of my (3) DC's birthdays due to holidays and didn't mind. It seems that you probably won't see them for a while and so it would be nice if they wanted to attend.
And to all those kicking the OP for asking the PIL to leave; I can't imagine many of you would chose to invite your PIL to stay for 4 months during a pregnancy, covid or not. I wouldn't be thrilled

Show quote history

No I probably wouldn’t want them to be there. But I also wouldn’t put them out pointlessly, in a pandemic.

They are seeing the child. I don’t think it matters which date when the child has no concept of dates at all.

Runningslow · 19/05/2022 07:01

Agree completely with Oneborneverydecade. Hardly selfish to want space after 4months from people who can obviously afford to pay for alternative accommodation.

balalake · 19/05/2022 07:12

A child's first birthday whilst to be celebrated, does not have to be some massive event. Please have some perspective and stop hyping up events.

StScholastica · 19/05/2022 07:17

Runningslow · 19/05/2022 07:01

Agree completely with Oneborneverydecade. Hardly selfish to want space after 4months from people who can obviously afford to pay for alternative accommodation.

Don't think it was about money, more that they chucked em out in the middle of a pandemic! If they had to spend weeks in a hotel room that must have been difficult.
Although maybe they managed to rent a huge house somewhere.
Anyway it's just a birthday party, your DC won't even remember it.

Original poster
Worthit1990 · 19/05/2022 07:23

Just to clarify, we asked them to leave 3weeks before the baby was due. We'd had them living with us for 2months straight at this point and another 2months 4months prior. We hadn't been able to paint/put up his cot etc. So don't feel we were unreasonable for asking them to leave at this point. We have a 2 bedroom house btw.
Yes, I agree it's just a birthday and there'll be many more, but just wish she would stop complaining about missing him growing up when they're gone and then go and leave a week before.
And I've already extended an invitation for the party and them to stay, so it's not like they should feel unwelcome.
She cried over the phone to us for missing his first Xmas!!!!

OP posts:
lemongreentea · 19/05/2022 07:25

Have your sons birthday party a week early. (Non)problem sorted.

Do you usually overeact like this about the smallest things or are you always so over dramatic?

Blarting · 19/05/2022 07:28

Good to see yet another PIL bashing thread!

YABU

Vikinga · 19/05/2022 07:29

It's no big deal. My parents have never been around for any of my kids birthdays as they live abroad. And I haven't seen them on my birthday since I left home. No big deal.

EarringsandLipstick · 19/05/2022 07:47

I had to read your post twice to make sure I wasn't missing something obvious.

Of course you are being UR.

As PP said, hold the party earlier.

It may be you're frustrated at a wider lack of interest but there's really nothing you can do about this. They are heading off for a long time anyway so it really doesn't matter.

CeeceeBloomingdale · 19/05/2022 07:53

I don’t think it’s that big a deal, they are here close to the birthday. Are you sure they have open return tickets? They aren’t really a thing anymore and haven’t been for many years. They may have flexible tickets but they would still need to pay fare difference so it might be the most affordable time for them to travel.

loislovesstewie · 19/05/2022 08:29

On another note; please could someone tell me when us oldies are allowed to do something enjoyable? When are we allowed to do something without thinking of adult kids or grandkids, and then tailoring our whole lives just for them? It's possible to love them but still want other enjoyment.

airrrrAIRRRRiELLLL · 19/05/2022 08:46

You kicked them out 3 weeks before the baby was born to decorate a nursery he wouldn't need for at least 6 months? I bet they felt very unwelcome. Now you want them to stay? And you feel like you go 'above and beyond' by sending photos?
Get dh to send stuff/contact them etc, I'm sure they'd prefer it. Also hopefully he is the main host, cook and bottle washer while they are here. If not, maybe that's why you feel aggrieved.

grapewines · 19/05/2022 09:07

loislovesstewie · 19/05/2022 08:29

On another note; please could someone tell me when us oldies are allowed to do something enjoyable? When are we allowed to do something without thinking of adult kids or grandkids, and then tailoring our whole lives just for them? It's possible to love them but still want other enjoyment.

Fair point, honestly.

lassof · 19/05/2022 09:10

Who cares about a one year old's birthday or birthday party? Literally only the parents. Child? Nope. Family? Nope. It's a total non event. The party is for the adults, to celebrate surviving a year. Enjoy your party, and your son, but don't expect even closest family to be that fussed. Later birthdays are different ... it's lovely to see their excitement as they open presents etc.

zingally · 19/05/2022 09:14

Massive over-reaction.

Plus you're giving them very mixed messages. Remember, you basically kicked them out once you found out you were pregnant. I'd have been pretty hurt by that if I were them.

Just in this post alone, you seem very hot and cold about whether you even like having them around, or hate it.

I'm confused by you just from this. So I imagine they are as well.

lioncitygirl · 19/05/2022 09:17

You asked them to leave, when it suited you - now when it suits you want them to stay? 🤣

ElenaSt · 19/05/2022 09:18

Hurtful? The kid is going to be one and won't notice they aren't there for his 'special day'!

I think you are being ridiculous.

Ohmybod · 19/05/2022 09:28

I think your DHs reaction is probably more rooted in his relationship with his parents in general and their lack of availability to him given their constant travelling, than them missing DS’s first birthday. If anyone says anything it should be him and not you. Especially if they’re prone to cutting people off. You don’t want to be caught in the middle of a fall out.

first birthdays are very overrated.

HeckyPeck · 19/05/2022 09:42

lassof · 19/05/2022 09:10

Who cares about a one year old's birthday or birthday party? Literally only the parents. Child? Nope. Family? Nope. It's a total non event. The party is for the adults, to celebrate surviving a year. Enjoy your party, and your son, but don't expect even closest family to be that fussed. Later birthdays are different ... it's lovely to see their excitement as they open presents etc.

I don't understand this view at all.

I don't have children, but have been excited to celebrate with my friends and family when their children have had their first birthdays.

I like to share in their happiness not tell them it doesn't matter!