That my in-laws are flying back to Malaysia the week before my sons 1st birthday

[Worthit1990]

So my retired in-laws are fulfilling their life's dream to sail around the world in their yacht.
They'd done really well and reached as far as Malaysia when the lockdown hit and had to come back to the UK for issues it caused them due to medical reasons.
They then spent 2 years 'stuck' in the UK, living rent free, sofa surfing around relatives' houses. We put them up for nearly 4 months on and off.
When I fell pregnant however, we asked them to leave as we wanted some space to get things ready (they were living in what is now the nursery).
They felt very upset we asked them to leave, but knew they couldn't really argue.
So, they've been back in Malaysia since Jan'22, but due to visa issues are having to come back for a few weeks.
We've offered for them to come and stay so we can see them before they go back.
They've been sailing for nearly 14years now and we usually only see them once a year, so have no idea when they'll be back again.
Now the crux is that they've decided to leave the week before my sons 1st birthday.
They have an open return ticket, so not it's not like they have to leave on this date.
This naturally has upset my dh, as he'd like to have them there for the family party. It's a special day for us and family (or so we thought).
His sister lives in Mexico, so it's literally just my family coming.
My MIL is always going on about how much she misses my son (never HER son), and yet when it comes down to it, they've made it very clear where their priorities lie.
AIBU here? Should I say something (gently) to them explaining how hurtful this is?
I've tried encouraging my dh to, but he's so scared of 'losing them' as they have a history of cutting close family out of their lives over disagreements.
I appreciate they put their life on hold for 2yrs because of CoVid and are anxious to get back, but it really does feel like a kick in the teeth.
I go above and beyond to send pics of little one and email updates about our lives, asking about theirs etc.
It's making me think twice about trying so hard now.
I generally have a good relationship with them, though have always thought them to be very selfish people in general.

Any advice??

Are they not going to be there for a few weeks on the run up to the birthday? They dont seem to be hands on parents or grandparents so take what you can get and accept they put themselves first, rightly or wrongly. Your DH can express disappointment but don't guilt them, it won't work and will only make him feel worse.

Celebrate with them the week before. Your son won't know/understand and your family won't care about seeing your inlaws.

I think you're overreacting. Have a early birthday party with them before they leave

Massive overreaction.

Do you mean you will see them but they will leave before your sons first birthday? If that is the case, I do think you are making a problem where there isn’t one. Although it would be lovely to be there at the birthday celebration in the end it doesn’t make a huge difference. I think you need to pick your battles in life and for me this just isn’t one.

I think you're both overthinking this. It's 'just' a kids birthday party. My dd has had five birthdays now and only had a family member from my side there once, we do a family do with dh's side as they live closer. You could perhaps ask them if they wish to extend their stay by a week so they can attend the party, but if they say no, I don't think it's a big deal. Maybe do an early birthday trip out with them whilst they're there.

Celebrate a week early. (Your son won't know)

They are probably trying not to overstay their welcome like they have in the past so no need to take it so personally.

Is it a big party with all the family and you’ve invited them and they’ve said no.
Or is your dh thinking they are mind readers and you want them there?

Assuming they know the date of your dcs birthday they have made plans accordingly so clearly don’t see it as important.
Focus on the people who want to celebrate with you.

if your dh is bothered he can speak to his parents

You asked them to leave, they probably think you aren't bothered whether they're there or not!

Have the party early.
it’s a celebration not just for your son but for you as parents.

YABU your son will have many birthdays

Waaaay overreacting. A one year old has no concept of birthday so the party is not for him, it’s for you. Doesn’t really matter if they are there on the actual day or not, your kid won’t care.

The party is for you not your son, he won’t even know what it’s about! Do it a week early.

The reminds me so much do the Maui thread and have no idea why!

Am I the only one that cannot comprend a this life? Sailing for 14 years? Yachts? Malaysia? Open return? Mexico?

Is it possible that they think they'll be in the way if they are there for your son's birthday as you'll have other family coming?

This.

Anyway op sounds like they free spirits
so will waft in and waft out as is their wont!

Seriously?

Honestly a first birthday is not a big thing.

This reminds me of that episode of Friends where Rachel made everyone cancel their plans to attend Emma's first birthday party and she put her to nap for the entirety of it.

You were entitled to ask them to leave, you don’t have to plan your life around them.

Just like they’re entitled not to plan their life around you.

So you expect them to leave when you want them to, and stay when you want them to..? I can understand your disappointment a little bit, but it’s a party for a one year old. It’s not that important to anyone other than the one year old’s parents. The birthday boy won’t care. They sound like they are doing something amazing while they’re still young enough to. My dad used to sail a lot, he’s now too old to do it anymore, but I’m so pleased he enjoyed his retirement for 25 years.

MILs really can't win can they.

TBH you asked them to leave (as was your right) when you got pregnant to get ready a nursery you wouldn't need for a minimum 6-12 months really. I'd have found that more hurtful for them than them missing a one year old's birthday who won't even know.

Just celebrate the week before. And no, I wouldn't say anything to them, even gently.

Why can’t you comprehend it? My dad retired at 50 and had an amazing 25 years sailing around the world and travelling. He’s seen and done some wonderful things. I find it hard to understand people who can’t think of how to fill their time if they retired/went part time. I wish I could afford to! But I guess we’re all different.

I couldn't get upset about this. They have their own lives to lead and a one year old wont care.

My parents were on holiday when my niece turned one, my other niece turned 5 and my son turned 6. Were we supposed to stop them going??

You asked them to leave when you were pregnant to prepare a nursery that you shouldn't even use for the first 6 months? And you call them selfish!