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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Partner parents

87 replies

emzylou76 · 16/05/2022 23:55

So when I met my partner 5 years ago he was not in contact with his parents he lived without his uncle who lived a few Streets away. I got with him and asked him why he didn't see them. Things like they didn't tell him his nan was dying and it was too late. At he funeral his mum shouted " oh look it's my disappointment of a son " his dad ignored him in the corner shop. They didn't like his ex wife ( she was nasty I was told ) he had always been put down never had a photo of there only son in house on wall only pictures of their dogs. My partner was nearly adopted he is an only child. The mother and father were young when they had him but it was all stopped by the mother's mum. The father's side wanted there son not to he tied down. I decided to get my partner speaking to his mum and dad again. I met them and they seemed unhappy he sat in lounge with feet up while she sat in kitchen all she did was slate the family to me, trying to get me to side with her. I fell pregnant and she turned nasty at a party telling me I was fat my partner defends me and then she makes out she didn't say it. I had our baby and she visited me the day after I didn't want her too as I was tired and said to my other half do t leave me with her. She moaned and moaned about all the family slagging everyone off moaning about this and that. Showed no Interest in baby. She continued to put me down make snide comments when my partner wasn't around. The father then offered to buy a run down house and rent it to us for 800 pounds a month !! And they expected us to live in a building site my partner work all day and then come home and work on the house well I said no I didn't want the offer of them being landlords too us I wanted to keep my council property and wait for an exchange it new move, this angered them I think I wasn't feeling a good sense of this it felt like control. Eventually we got a new house 3 beds and it was perfect but they didn't seem happy for us. The mother asked if I would do a 1st birthday party for our daughter so I arrange a nice place and buffet and I ordered a professional to make a cake which they knew I was doing, it would also be a time for them to meet my family. They arrived early and then my parents turned up my dad automatically sits with my partners dad to try and hold a conversation but he just gave him one word answers and totally snubbed my dad. The mother just kept making jibes at me all day they showed no interest in being friendly. I wanted to it end it was so awful the atmosphere. My parents tried to cover it up. At the end of the party the candle wet lit on my cake I ordered and then obviously I started to cut it for people to take home. The mother suddenly brings out this shop bought giant chocolate cake and starts pushing it onto people. Mainly my son who felt awkward I could see he didn't want any, I snapped at her and told her "he doesn't want any " I made a quick exit and in the car my partner apologized for his parents. I decided I never wanted to be in there company again my anxiety was through the roof and I suffer with fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue and I was poorly for days after. I haven't seen them since. My partner take our daughter to see them occasionally but he doesn't stay long. He won't talk about the situation ever he never want to address problems we have ever. Our daughter will ask why I do t see them and I do not want to lie to her. The mother has never acknowledged she has been nasty to me and I doubt ever will. But my partner won't either. What would you do ?

OP posts:
HalfShrunkMoreToGo · 16/05/2022 23:59

Do what your partner was doing before you interfered and cut them off, go no contact and be done with it.

LanaGardner · 17/05/2022 04:43

She's a narcissist, she will never ever acknowledge any wrongdoing.
I'm unsure on why on earth you made your partner have contact again.
No contact no contact no contact
I expect your partner is bad at dealing with problems because the child of a narcissist learns to keep their head down
It doesn't matter what you tell your daughter.
No contact

MrsTerryPratchett · 17/05/2022 04:50

Your partner had no contact, for bloody good reason. You pushed contact. I went really badly. Now you want everyone to acknowledge it went horribly. Why? You interfered and the inevitable happened.

MolliciousIntent · 17/05/2022 05:02

Play stupid games, win stupid prizes.

This is why your partner wasn't in contact with them, so it's your own bloody fault for bulldozing his very sensible boundaries.

breatheintheamazing · 17/05/2022 05:50

It was You who interfered. To be honest if I was your partner I'd be pretty bloody annoyed at you

LanaGardner · 17/05/2022 06:06

breatheintheamazing · 17/05/2022 05:50

It was You who interfered. To be honest if I was your partner I'd be pretty bloody annoyed at you

Yes this..
You owe him an apology OP
You want him to acknowledge everything that's happened recently.
You need to acknowledge his whole childhood was like that and he was finally free.

Hesma · 17/05/2022 06:22

You really want your partner to say, “I told you so”? Your partner has done nothing wrong but you on the other hand didn’t respect his decision. I think you owe him an apology to be honest!

Slobberchops1 · 17/05/2022 06:25

You opened a can of worms . I’m surprised your partner is still talking to you

girlmom21 · 17/05/2022 06:27

He told you what they were like.

Philisophigal · 17/05/2022 06:29

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Shoxfordian · 17/05/2022 06:31

Tell him you’re sorry for interfering and he’s right about his parents; don’t put yourself in the middle again

JohannSebastianBach · 17/05/2022 06:36

Yep, you should have kept out of it. He wasn't speaking to them, now you know he had his reasons.

How can you dare be angry with him when this is clearly all your fault because you thought you knew better?

You owe him an apology and you need to respect his boundaries in future.

Return to NC if I was you.

CustardGoodJamGoodMeatGood · 17/05/2022 06:48

He didn't have anything to do with them for a reason OP, but you had to go and interfere to play the do-gooder, your partner was treated like shit by his parents and you have introduced them back in to his life and completely disrespected bounderies. If my partner did this with a relative I didn't have anything to do with, I'd be bloody furious.

Everydayimhuffling · 17/05/2022 06:57

When he told you why he was no contact, why did you push it? He had clear and good reasons. I agree with PP that you owe him an apology. Then see what he wants to do now. This situation is of your own making

myuterusistryingtokillme · 17/05/2022 07:09

HalfShrunkMoreToGo · 16/05/2022 23:59

Do what your partner was doing before you interfered and cut them off, go no contact and be done with it.

Thus. He obviously had good reason to be no contact, why on earth did you feel it was your place to interfere and get them talking again?

Summerholidayorcovidagain · 17/05/2022 07:27

You shouldn't have meddled....

PinkSyCo · 17/05/2022 07:49

Oh so you decided to get your partner speaking to his parents again did you? And, now that these people are being ‘nasty’ to you, you are whinging that your partner won’t acknowledge it? Well why the fuck should he when you expected him to forgive and forget the horrible way they treated him for years and years. I have absolutely no sympathy for you, you should have kept your beak out. I do however feel desperately sorry for your fella and think he could do with some counselling. The poor bloke’s self esteem must be at rock bottom thanks to you and his useless parents.

WifeMotherWorkRepeat · 17/05/2022 07:53

God I feel sorry for your DP after reading all that!!! You are 100% to blame and should apologise to your DP. Lesson learned - mind your own business in future!

coffeecupsandfairylights · 17/05/2022 07:57

If my partner interferes with my family relationships like that, our relationship would be over.

I can't believe you can't see how disrespectful you've been.

billy1966 · 17/05/2022 08:01

WifeMotherWorkRepeat · 17/05/2022 07:53

God I feel sorry for your DP after reading all that!!! You are 100% to blame and should apologise to your DP. Lesson learned - mind your own business in future!

This.

You brought all this drama into your life because you thought you knew better.

Your poor partner and children.

You need to focus on your own family and stop thinking you know better than someone who grew up with these awful people.

Move on.

Ponoka7 · 17/05/2022 08:01

I agree with everything that's been said. What would make you happy? For your partner to break down and admit he wasn't wanted and his parents are shit people? He broke free, you took forced him back into a relationship with them. You tell him that you made a mistake and you are sorry. Then you support him to go no contact again. Don't ever think that you know best again. You got it very wrong.

Aprilx · 17/05/2022 08:06

What I think you should do is leave your husband to manage his own family. Ideally apologise to him and tell him you now understand why he wasn’t speaking to them. Take a lesson not to interfere or assume you know best about everything going forward.

FiveNineFive · 17/05/2022 08:07

Why on earth did you push him into having contact again?

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 17/05/2022 08:09

His parents were emotionally neglectful and possibly abusive. They didn't even being him up, called him a disappointment, ignored him, called his ex names and they've behaved terribly every time you've met them. I don't know why you pushed for more contact or what you want from your partner now. You pushed him to meet them even though they have treated him terribly, so you effectively downplayed that, but you want acknowledgment of how upset you are over cake? H

Herejustforthisone · 17/05/2022 08:15

I decided to get my partner speaking to his mum and dad again.

This is where this went wrong.