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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner parents

87 replies

emzylou76 · 16/05/2022 23:55

So when I met my partner 5 years ago he was not in contact with his parents he lived without his uncle who lived a few Streets away. I got with him and asked him why he didn't see them. Things like they didn't tell him his nan was dying and it was too late. At he funeral his mum shouted " oh look it's my disappointment of a son " his dad ignored him in the corner shop. They didn't like his ex wife ( she was nasty I was told ) he had always been put down never had a photo of there only son in house on wall only pictures of their dogs. My partner was nearly adopted he is an only child. The mother and father were young when they had him but it was all stopped by the mother's mum. The father's side wanted there son not to he tied down. I decided to get my partner speaking to his mum and dad again. I met them and they seemed unhappy he sat in lounge with feet up while she sat in kitchen all she did was slate the family to me, trying to get me to side with her. I fell pregnant and she turned nasty at a party telling me I was fat my partner defends me and then she makes out she didn't say it. I had our baby and she visited me the day after I didn't want her too as I was tired and said to my other half do t leave me with her. She moaned and moaned about all the family slagging everyone off moaning about this and that. Showed no Interest in baby. She continued to put me down make snide comments when my partner wasn't around. The father then offered to buy a run down house and rent it to us for 800 pounds a month !! And they expected us to live in a building site my partner work all day and then come home and work on the house well I said no I didn't want the offer of them being landlords too us I wanted to keep my council property and wait for an exchange it new move, this angered them I think I wasn't feeling a good sense of this it felt like control. Eventually we got a new house 3 beds and it was perfect but they didn't seem happy for us. The mother asked if I would do a 1st birthday party for our daughter so I arrange a nice place and buffet and I ordered a professional to make a cake which they knew I was doing, it would also be a time for them to meet my family. They arrived early and then my parents turned up my dad automatically sits with my partners dad to try and hold a conversation but he just gave him one word answers and totally snubbed my dad. The mother just kept making jibes at me all day they showed no interest in being friendly. I wanted to it end it was so awful the atmosphere. My parents tried to cover it up. At the end of the party the candle wet lit on my cake I ordered and then obviously I started to cut it for people to take home. The mother suddenly brings out this shop bought giant chocolate cake and starts pushing it onto people. Mainly my son who felt awkward I could see he didn't want any, I snapped at her and told her "he doesn't want any " I made a quick exit and in the car my partner apologized for his parents. I decided I never wanted to be in there company again my anxiety was through the roof and I suffer with fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue and I was poorly for days after. I haven't seen them since. My partner take our daughter to see them occasionally but he doesn't stay long. He won't talk about the situation ever he never want to address problems we have ever. Our daughter will ask why I do t see them and I do not want to lie to her. The mother has never acknowledged she has been nasty to me and I doubt ever will. But my partner won't either. What would you do ?

OP posts:
Mally100 · 17/05/2022 08:17

You sound like you should be proud of yourself for getting involved. You should be ashamed of yourself for sticking your nose into a situation where you know there was a history of abuse. You owe your dp a huge apology and vow to never insert yourself into something that is not your business!

Mally100 · 17/05/2022 08:19

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This sums it up.

Chikapu · 17/05/2022 08:21

I decided to get my partner speaking to his mum and dad again

Well that was your first mistake wasn't it? You massively overstepped here and now you're dealing with the consequences. Did you think you knew better than him how awful is parents are, what were your motives for interfering?

JazzHandsYeah · 17/05/2022 08:21

YABU. And you should apologise to your DP.

Shinyandnew1 · 17/05/2022 08:27

This is a problem entirely of your own making. Who are YOU going to apologise to?!

lunar1 · 17/05/2022 08:29

Your poor partner, you pushed him back to his abusive family. He should have left you when you pulled that stunt.

Hopefully he has someone in his life who understands his past trauma and can help him break free from them again, and possibly you.

Absolutely none of this is about your feelings, you asked for this situation.

ChaosMoon · 17/05/2022 08:32

What would I do?

I'd apologise to my partner for not respecting and trusting him enough to know what was best with his own parents.

Then if apologise again for expecting him to clean up the new mess I'd made by inviting them back into his life.

Then I'd see if he wanted to go no contact again and do whatever he wanted me to do to facilitate that.

I'm afraid you need to put your anxiety in the back burner and acknowledge that this problem is 100% on you.

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 17/05/2022 08:33

He won't talk about the situation ever he never want to address problems we have ever.

But YOU created this situation. It’s down to you that there is a problem to address.

Rather thank criticising your partner, take a long look at yourself and ask why playing the great peacemaker was more important than respecting the decision of someone you supposedly love.

stepuporshutup · 17/05/2022 08:47

I would be furious if I were your partner and I would have left you immediately you started interfering between him and his parents. You expect your partner to support you now because his parents are nasty to you, well where was your support for him when he told you the reason he was nc with them. You don't want to lie to your daughter then tell her the truth that mummy did not care about daddy's feelings and made a lot of people upset

SleeplessInEngland · 17/05/2022 08:52

You sound awful, OP. Your poor partner.

DanielRicciardosSmile · 17/05/2022 08:53

They were vile to their son. They were vile to his ex wife. But you think they should be nice to you? Based on what?

Billandben444 · 17/05/2022 08:57

Well, this didn't go how the OP expected it to, did it?! Agree with all the pp.

Hoppinggreen · 17/05/2022 09:00

So these nasty awful people your DH actually warned you about are behaving like nasty awful people?
not a surprise really is it?
the whole thing is your fault so try and fix it by having nothing to do with them

frazzledasarock · 17/05/2022 09:02

well that's what happens when you think you know better than the person who's lived experience has prompted them them to make a decision over their own lives.

I never get why women (and it's usually women), think they need to be forcing their partners to have a relationship with family they do not want to and have cut off for years happily till the interfering new partner comes along.

Coldnoseandtoes · 17/05/2022 09:09

"What would you do?"

I would take this as a lesson for the future. That I shouldn't think I know better than someone with a lived experience of certain people; take a step back from relationships which are nothing to do with me. Respect people's decisions about their life, and realise that I didn't have the right to decide things like this for anyone else. Family relationships can be complex, sad it isn't right for anyone new to swan in and decide things for their partner.

WildCoasts · 17/05/2022 09:40

I decided to get my partner speaking to his mum and dad again.

Woah. That was a huge overstep on your part. Did you think you could fix things and make it all happy again? That's your partner's decision to make. How does he feel about your doing this?

Hoppinggreen · 17/05/2022 09:40

frazzledasarock · 17/05/2022 09:02

well that's what happens when you think you know better than the person who's lived experience has prompted them them to make a decision over their own lives.

I never get why women (and it's usually women), think they need to be forcing their partners to have a relationship with family they do not want to and have cut off for years happily till the interfering new partner comes along.

To be fair to OP people who don’t grow up in Toxic households don’t generally get it
They think that people just need to make more effort or be more forgiving and it will be all unicorns and rainbows.

MolliciousIntent · 17/05/2022 10:04

Hoppinggreen · 17/05/2022 09:40

To be fair to OP people who don’t grow up in Toxic households don’t generally get it
They think that people just need to make more effort or be more forgiving and it will be all unicorns and rainbows.

Show quote history

This is bullshit - I grew up in a fabulous home and would never dream of badgering someone into a relationship with people they'd previously cut off.

KettrickenSmiled · 17/05/2022 10:16

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KettrickenSmiled · 17/05/2022 10:23

The mother has never acknowledged she has been nasty to me and I doubt ever will. But my partner won't either. What would you do ?

I'd offer my partner a humble apology for bringing his parents back into his life when he was doing so much better without them.

I'd then have a long, hard word with myself about why all my upset is about a fucking chocolate cake, & why that is more important to me than the years of abuse & neglect my poor b/f was subjected to.

Stop looking for acknowledgement from his mother & cut these people off.
Life isn't all about you. Spare a thought for your poor b/f, & FFS stop bitching at him about his family. YOU created this mess, & you now have the cheek to be stamping your foot at your b/f because he doesn't want to act as your Flying Monkey to his own mother. Step the fuck back - & stop causing melodrama.

lunarpossum · 17/05/2022 11:19

I wonder when your partner will realise that he married his mother.

Rather than feeling sorry for yourself, you should feel suitably ashamed at your pushy and meddling behaviour. You should have trusted that your partner was capable of making the decision to cut himself off from his parents for good reason - and now he's been left with having to maintain & manage some kind of contact between them and your daughter as a result of your meddling whilst you've washed your hands of the whole situation.

"Mother knows best!"

Original poster
emzylou76 · 17/05/2022 18:07

So I if I pushed him back to his abusive family why does he now defend them and see them !! And say that he was the one I. The wrong he chooses to take out child to visit them he has a choice not to see them !!

OP posts:
KettrickenSmiled · 17/05/2022 18:13

So I if I pushed him back to his abusive family why does he now defend them and see them !!

Because toxic family dynamics are complex, & he has become re-enmeshed.
A fact for which you are still blaming him, I note.
With no acknowledgement of your own damaging interference.

PP was right - poor man really did marry his mother didn't he?

When you are ready to stop blaming & start apologising to him & taking some personal responsibility, get yourself educated.
Toxic Inlaws by Susan Forward might be a good place to start.
Make sure you remember that this is about helping HIM - not centreing yourself though. And make doubly sure that the way he wants to handle his family should be led by HIM - not you.

Mally100 · 17/05/2022 18:15

emzylou76 · 17/05/2022 18:07

So I if I pushed him back to his abusive family why does he now defend them and see them !! And say that he was the one I. The wrong he chooses to take out child to visit them he has a choice not to see them !!

Because the work and emotional strength it took him to cut ties pushed him back 100x worse. That's what you get for being so interfering. You don't get to have a say now that you initiated all this toxic issues.

Original poster
emzylou76 · 17/05/2022 18:38

FiveNineFive · 17/05/2022 08:07

Why on earth did you push him into having contact again?

I didn't push him into it I just said it's important to be part of there lives, and he agreed ! His choice to go there didn't object. He made the arrangement for us to meet them ! I never once forced him. I asked him if they are good parents and if he had a good child hood and he always say he has the " best " upbringing

OP posts: