Partner parents

[emzylou76]

So when I met my partner 5 years ago he was not in contact with his parents he lived without his uncle who lived a few Streets away. I got with him and asked him why he didn't see them. Things like they didn't tell him his nan was dying and it was too late. At he funeral his mum shouted " oh look it's my disappointment of a son " his dad ignored him in the corner shop. They didn't like his ex wife ( she was nasty I was told ) he had always been put down never had a photo of there only son in house on wall only pictures of their dogs. My partner was nearly adopted he is an only child. The mother and father were young when they had him but it was all stopped by the mother's mum. The father's side wanted there son not to he tied down. I decided to get my partner speaking to his mum and dad again. I met them and they seemed unhappy he sat in lounge with feet up while she sat in kitchen all she did was slate the family to me, trying to get me to side with her. I fell pregnant and she turned nasty at a party telling me I was fat my partner defends me and then she makes out she didn't say it. I had our baby and she visited me the day after I didn't want her too as I was tired and said to my other half do t leave me with her. She moaned and moaned about all the family slagging everyone off moaning about this and that. Showed no Interest in baby. She continued to put me down make snide comments when my partner wasn't around. The father then offered to buy a run down house and rent it to us for 800 pounds a month !! And they expected us to live in a building site my partner work all day and then come home and work on the house well I said no I didn't want the offer of them being landlords too us I wanted to keep my council property and wait for an exchange it new move, this angered them I think I wasn't feeling a good sense of this it felt like control. Eventually we got a new house 3 beds and it was perfect but they didn't seem happy for us. The mother asked if I would do a 1st birthday party for our daughter so I arrange a nice place and buffet and I ordered a professional to make a cake which they knew I was doing, it would also be a time for them to meet my family. They arrived early and then my parents turned up my dad automatically sits with my partners dad to try and hold a conversation but he just gave him one word answers and totally snubbed my dad. The mother just kept making jibes at me all day they showed no interest in being friendly. I wanted to it end it was so awful the atmosphere. My parents tried to cover it up. At the end of the party the candle wet lit on my cake I ordered and then obviously I started to cut it for people to take home. The mother suddenly brings out this shop bought giant chocolate cake and starts pushing it onto people. Mainly my son who felt awkward I could see he didn't want any, I snapped at her and told her "he doesn't want any " I made a quick exit and in the car my partner apologized for his parents. I decided I never wanted to be in there company again my anxiety was through the roof and I suffer with fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue and I was poorly for days after. I haven't seen them since. My partner take our daughter to see them occasionally but he doesn't stay long. He won't talk about the situation ever he never want to address problems we have ever. Our daughter will ask why I do t see them and I do not want to lie to her. The mother has never acknowledged she has been nasty to me and I doubt ever will. But my partner won't either. What would you do ?

I initiated his mum to be toxic did I ? Well thanks for the blame I merely said it was important to be part of there lives. So didn't force him. He to this day defends them ! Saying his childhood was the best

Well you instigated it!

He is happy about it ! So many horrible judgement. I never forced him to see them

So how did you get him to speak to them again?
You opened the path to this mess. Thar is what everyone is saying. You should never have interfered.

No I don't

His choice not mine

Look I had this with my ex in a way. His parents are utterly terrible. Physically and emotionally abusive and he spent much of his childhood in care, yet.......he won't hear a word said against them. It's a natural child response to abusive parents. I've discussed this with specialists. But I wouldn't have dreamt of talking my ex into seeing them.
The fact that you can't see that you did anything wrong speaks volumes about you as a person and less about the abusive arseholes that were in his life previously. Maybe he's just changed abusive arseholes? (If you were a man we'd rush to say it)

So I if I pushed him back to his abusive family why does he now defend them and see them !! And say that he was the one I. The wrong he chooses to take out child to visit them he has a choice not to see them !!

Because you convinced him they were right and he overreacted? You pushed and pushed and he did what you wanted. Now you're telling him he's wrong and that he was actually right all along. Come on you must see that.

Why do people assume we ‘must’ have family members in our lives.

sounds like he was perfectly fine without them.

cut them out. No contact. Apologise to your partner for dragging him back into it.

the end.

Far too sensible for OP @TheCatterall

She doesn't want simple.
She wants more drama, & to turn her partner into a flying monkey she can sic onto her MiL.
It's all about powerplay, & nothing - at all, whatsoever - about her partner's feelings.

I hope the partner gets some therapy for his family history, & realises he's accidentally married his mother.

How the fuck did you think this post was going to go OP?

He told you his parents were awful, you convinced him it was important to have them in his life. You met them and now realise they are awful after all, but he's now back into the childhood mode of defending their shitty parenting because he thinks it is expected of him and you feel some sort of right to be offended?!

Read it back to yourself, slowly.

Your partner told you his parents were horrible to him
You interfered and tried to force them all into a relationship none of them wanted, and very predictably his parents were horrible to everyone.

Just back off and leave them alone.

"I decided to get my partner speaking to his mum and dad again."

Poor man. Had a horrific childhood, he finally cuts them off and you come along.

"I initiated his mum to be toxic did I ? Well thanks for the blame I merely said it was important to be part of there lives."

You said you "decided" to get him speaking to his parents. Now you're backtracking. He told you about the utterly vile way he was treated but you decided you knew better and wouldn't leave things lie.

You carry a huge responsibility for this situation. Children who grow up in toxic families often have difficulty in finding a partner who will treat them with respect. You ignored his past which is hugely disrespectful. As a PP said, hopefully the poor man will get therapy. You owe him a huge apology and possibly some therapy for yourself too.

As a person from a functional family, you clearly don't understand why people go NC. I see it here regularly- people overlooking awful behaviour because of blood or being incredulous that anyone has a legitimate reason to go NC. I also see people say that they want their child to know their grandparents or thinking that they'd be different with a grandchild.

It probably took a lot of courage for your h to go NC. When you're part of a toxic family, you suffer from Fear-Obligation-Guilt so you end up acting and accepting awful behaviour. Your h is in the FOG and can't see clearly. He shouldn't have been encouraged to contact his family because of some fairy tale notion that blood is thicker than water.

I speak as someone who has been NC from my mum for over 20 years. She's not tainted my kids so I have ended the cycle. They know why I am NC and accept that I made the right decision. They are free to contact her now as they are young adults but have chosen not to.

You invited a nasty person into your life. She was obviously going to be nasty. Your job is to protect your child(ren)

You have absolutely no idea what it takes to go NC with family. Even when you hate them, there is a twisted form of love there.

It's not dissimilar to an addict who keeps going back for more.

He broke away from his abusers, he did one of the hardest things imaginable and you pushed him back.

Not everyone breaks away once, never mind twice.

This is a disaster of your own creation. Take some responsibility for your actions.

You said that you asked your partner when you got together, why he didn’t speak to his parents.

He gave you a list of horrible things they’d said and done.

Now if my partner had given me the list your partner gave you, I’d have thought “Blimey, they sound like utterly vile people. No wonder he doesn’t speak to them!”. And left it at that.

However you decided regardless of this horrible behaviour he’d told you about, that he should consider speaking to his parents again: “I decided to get my partner speaking to his mum and dad again”

So you actively encouraged him to do this. Which basically told him that you thought him not speaking to them, was overreacting to their behaviour. That he was wrong to not speak to them, despite how they behaved. So you invalidated his feelings and experience by suggesting his non contact with them was the wrong choice.

He is now back in the entanglement of his parents narcissistic behaviour and you enabled it, by not accepting his reasons for not being in contact with them in the first place.

So yes, you absolutely brought this on yourself.

What should you do? Make sure your partner has a good friend to support him. He clearly doesn't get it from you or his family.

You have no idea how hard it is to cut contact with your parents.

Your partner made a decision to cut out these two abusers from him life.

Then you pop up and tell him it's "important to see them".

You were naive and dismissive of his reasons for cutting contact. You chose not to listen to - and take seriously - the example of abuse he had suffered.

And now you are suffering the consequences.

I didn't push and push !! I merely suggested things are said in malice and my parents have said out of order stuff to me in past but not wiped them out of my life. He told me he just couldn't be bothered with them not that he has an abusive upbringing I never knew he was nearly adopted until I had met them !

I don’t have contact with my ‘dad’. He is a narcissist. My husband has made comments over the years about our children knowing their Grandad but never pushed anything on me and neither would he be able to because I don’t want my ‘dad’ to emotionally and verbally abuse my children like he did to me and my sister.

You must now know and probably wish that you’d never interfered with the situation. You made the assumption that everyone should have a good relationship with their parents ignoring every red flag that was waved in your face. And now you appear to be complaining about the situation that you have caused. Unfortunately your husband is now back to square one and cutting contact again will be very hard for him now.

I agree you should perhaps reiterate he was right to not have contact and you feel now that his parents involvement in your lives is becoming toxic and you don’t wish for your child to be exposed to that. Appeal to that side of him. But the bottom line is, you have caused this situation and now seem to be upset that it’s all gone wrong. Own it, and then you can start to put it right. Do not deny your responsibility in this situation.

*partner not husband

If you refuse to own your part in this mess, there is nothing any one can say which you will find useful.

You did instigate it.

The moment you opened your mouth and suggested he should speak to his parents. That was you instigating it.

I merely suggested things are said in malice

Yeah, neither of my parents have never said anything as vile as “There’s my disappointment of a daughter” to me. No matter how angry they are. (And especially not at my Nans funeral. Neither did they keep my Nans death any kind of secret from me. And my Dad has said some dickish things in anger in the past, but he’s never sunk that low).

There’s things said in the heat of the moment, when you’re angry, that decent people feel remorse about when they’ve calmed down.

And then there’s just plain spiteful things that are said to purposely inflict as much pain as possible and therefore zero remorse, because the intention was and still is to cause immense hurt, usually as a means of control.

This is called the consequences of your own actions

Now you have to deal with it.
They will not become good people. So get over that idea

You need to two card him. They are cut off from you forever or you break up

No discussions he chooses one.

And just before that you need to decide whether or not you shut up and stand up for yourself and live with them in your life or you leave him.