On holiday with elderly mum who can't walk far

[Stressedout65]

Has anybody been to Anglesey & could recommend anything we could do with my elderly mum please. She has arthritis & can't walk very far. She refuses to have a mobility scooter or be pushed around in a wheelchair yet. I can't understand why she refuses the wheelchair at least. This leads to a very frustrating & limiting holiday to say the least. We can't do much & neither can she, what is the point in being here? We may as well be at home; so we said we'd go out tomorrow, but what do we do? Just drive around? It makes me feel quite cross. She does have bad nerves & gets upset easily, so the conversation ends up being shut down. She says she'll go anywhere so long as she doesn't have to walk far. I do not mind at all bringing her on holiday but I'm getting to the stage where I'm going to insist on her having a wheelchair or we don't bring her on holiday as it feels like a waste of time. Can someone suggest something we can do, or offer another perspective from her point of view if I'm being unreasonable?

I have end stage osteoarthritis in both hips and I can't even describe how painful it is. I'm struggling even to get around the house, I can't walk a single step without crutches. Losing your mobility is awful and it's easy to feel like a burden to others, even though my family are lovely and never do anything to make me feel that - it's just me feeling that way.

I had to sit in a wheelchair recently at a hospital appointment that was too far along corridors for me to walk, and even that hurt a lot, just the angle of sitting, and the movement made my hips click along with horrific pain. It would be even worse outside, at least the hospital corridors were smooth.

When I visited my parents recently, my 80 year old dad had to help me get my shoes on. Arthritis takes away so much and causes unbelievable pain. It's easily the most painful thing I've ever experienced, including childbirth.

Having said all that, I understand it must be so frustrating for you. I'm always worried about DH and DD having days out or holidays spoiled because of me.

@dianthus101 I did indeed suggest other solutions such as a mobility aid (many of which are not wheelchairs), encourage them to go ahead without her or stay in the villa for the day. I also said she has the option of staying at home if she isn’t up to it. But you continue to only see the sentence that has got your back up. As I said, I’m not arguing about it with you, my posts are there in black and white.

@dianthus101 I did indeed suggest other solutions such as a mobility aid (many of which are not wheelchairs), encourage them to go ahead without her or stay in the villa for the day. I also said she has the option of staying at home if she isn’t up to it. But you continue to only see the sentence that has got your back up. As I said, I’m not arguing about it with you, my posts are there in black and white.

What other mobility aids did you suggest other than a wheelchair?
Also, it is not just "a sentence" that "got my back up". There are several:

"“I don't get why OP needs to be patient and not get annoyed. If someone's pride is ruining the holiday for everyone maybe they need to hear some home truths. Maybe the elderly mother needs to decide whether a wheelchair is better than not being invited next time. I'd suggest giving her this ultimatum. If she gets upset she gets upset, the conversation still needs to happen.”

And “I wouldn't pussy foot around someone who is hell bent on ruining everyone's holiday for no good reason. If she doesn't like the solutions offered then home may be best. Crying about it but not accepting help is ridiculous.”

"she wants everyone to do things to her ability only and cries when she doesn't get her own way."

Thank you again for your comments & insight as to what it would be like in a wheelchair. I have said my mum does have bad nerves & anxiety & seems to shut down the wheelchair convo. I've never said she objects to being left or cries if we don't do what she wants! I've re-read my post & don't understand where that conclusion has come from. Yes I have found it frustrating & thought what is the point of coming here if you don't see anything, but I have been given some food for thought on the wheelchair.

@Emtaboo I never make her feel like a burden & she's totally not selfish or manipulative, just has bad nerves.
It's a big adjustment for her, losing my dad & her independence,

I said mobility aid which can include but is not limited to wheelchair, mobility scooter, walking stick, walking frame, rollator etc etc. Do you need a definition of every single word I use? The mother is a person, disabled or not people need to compromise on group holidays and not have everything thing their way. OP has moved on, this is pointless. I have pissed you off, you have pissed me off.

_

I have drawn a line under it. The end.

@Stressedout65 of course. It is hard for you when someone suffers with nerves. I’ve been there too. I hope you can come up with some ideas to make your mother’s holiday lovely, but also look after yourself as well x

The only time you mentioned a “mobility aid” that I can see was when you said

“She is inflexible and prepared to limit her family due to her lack of mobility. She could use a mobility aid, or encourage them to go ahead, or say she will stay in the accommodation for the day but no, she wants everyone to do things to her ability only and cries when she doesn't get her own way."

Not exactly helpful or empathic or understanding and that is just one of your unpleasant statements. you have a real nerve to accuse me of bullying for calling you out on it.

@CeeceeBloomingdale & @dianthus101
I've lost track of who said what in your argument but I don't get where you think my mum cries if she doesn't get her own way? I never said that. Yes, she has bad nerves & doesn't want the wheelchair this year so the convo gets shut down, but she doesn't cry if she doesn't get her own way. She'll be left in a cafe or something while we do our thing, but it's frustrating if she can't see things she could see if she was in a wheelchair. If she does try to do more it's limiting as she'll end up in pain or you can't go as far because you know you've got to come back again. She's neither selfish, manipulative or hell bent on ruining everyone's holiday. After reading comments on here we've adapted, found a way & it's not been so bad after all.
As I said in my second post, after a long & happy marriage where her & my dad were always out & about she's now into her second year of widowhood & also starting to lose her mobility & independence. It's very big, devastating change in her life & I could never be aggressive, show any anger or make her feel like she's a burden. She sometimes feels like she's a burden as it is - which she is not I hasten to add - so I could never make her feel like that even more.

@Stressedout65 I apologise if I misunderstood your original post when you said she got upset. The OP made it sound like you were all stuck in a holiday accommodation as she has limited mobility but refuses help, then was acting upset if anyone called her out on it. You were clearly frustrated and venting and have clarified in later posts she is happy to compromise. Of course that was after I had commented so was not party to that information at the time of posting. All I was suggesting was she should offer some compromise rather than expecting everything her way based on the information in the OP. I’m glad you are able to continue your holiday in a positive way and I’m sorry if this stupid discussion has caused you upset as this was never my intention.

@dianthus101 I would not be understanding or empathetic to someone who refused to compromise or think of others, disability or not. However as OP has stated this is not actually the case I am unsure why you continue to labour your none point. You choose to ignore the words you don’t want to see in my posts so it is pointless discussing it. Feel free to have the last word, but don’t bother tagging me in it as I’m not interested in continuing the discussion.

Sorry, the posts have got convoluted!
CeeceeBloomingdale said your mum cries if she doesn't get her own way etc. I objected because you didn't say that and she is greatly extrapolating and being quite unpleasant towards someone who has a lot to deal with (I have a disabling painful condition and very much sympathise).

I am glad you are finding ways around it now. You sound like a very nice daughter and I hope you have a good holiday!

dianthus101 · 19/05/2022 18:33
Sorry, the posts have got convoluted!
CeeceeBloomingdale said your mum cries if she doesn't get her own way etc. I objected because you didn't say that and she is greatly extrapolating and being quite unpleasant towards someone who has a lot to deal with (I have a disabling painful condition and very much sympathise).
I am glad you are finding ways around it now. You sound like a very nice daughter and I hope you have a good holiday!

@CeeceeBloomingdale You keep saying that you are not going to continue the discussion but then you keep doing it! I am not twisting your posts. I have
only quoted them.

Sigh. I didn't say twisted, I said you ignore the bits that didn't suit your narrative and you refuse to acknowledge the timeline which I explained above.

I posted to apologise to OP who had tagged me and just responded to you while I was here

Then you tagged me after I asked you not to so I get an email and as I'm here I might as well reply.

I'm sorry you have a disability but you are taking my comments based on the original post before OP clarified things far too personally and then being personal to me. This isn't about you or me. I would very much like to leave this now and respectfully ask you not to tag me again.

Sigh. I am not ignoring the bits that don't suit my narrative. The timeline is irrelevant as OP did not say at any point that her mother cries if she doesn't get her own way or that she is hellbent on ruining people's holidays. Nobody else took that from the OP either. You made that up and were quite unpleasant and when I pointed it out accused me of twisting your posts, bullying etc. If you don't want to converse all you need to do is stop responding rather than trying to get the last word and then complaining when I respond.

OP I feel your pain, we have just collected a wheelchair from Red Cross for this weekend for my elderly, poorly and very frail mum, a family celebration in London. My God she has fought this idea, I get that this is yet another step towards extreme old age and she is frightened of whats to come, I have spent the last few weeks convincing her that if she has a wheelchair she will be able to enjoy herself and not be left in a pub on her own because is just can't keep up. I kind of bribed her with the thought of a trip to the tower to see the wildflower moat (they had better be in fucking bloom now or I may throw myself in the thames).

You sound very kind and patient but honestly, its ok to get frustrated.

Glad you’re holiday turned out well in the end. Your mum sounds like mine was, not crazy about the idea of a wheelchair, but happy to do the bits she can and then sit in a cafe, read a book or watch the world go by. I think it’s harder from our point of view as we want them to do and see everything, but maybe they are quite content. Sorry she’s had such a difficult year .

Haven't read the full thread, do apologies if theses are duplicates.
Pili palace - the butterfly centre.
Miniature village - near newborough
Car museum
Sea zoo
Beaumaris - crabbing on the pier, castle
Penmon lighthouse - views and cafe
Hidden gardens near beaumaris
Hootons farm shop for brunch
Art gallery in llangefni
Dylan's for lunch - menai bridge
Telford museum menai bridge
Benllech beach - loos and an easy to access beach
Llangair Pg to look at the name on the station
White eagle for lunch
Think there is a maritime or rnli museum in Holyhead
Views over whitestacks and rspb hut
Copper mines near amlwch
Go karting - just kidding!

Off the island but close by
Penryhn castle
caernarfon castle
Llandudno chair lift
Any of the steam trains
Electric mountain
Betwsy coed for tea by the river

You won't be bored

Ugh I find that unbending pride very annoying too OP!

Can you start telling her that she won't be "wheelchair bound" but "wheelchair freed"?

My mum is like this. We just know that we won’t have active holidays when with her and also agree a couple of days where we might do our own thing. Or go to a beauty spot where she can sit and we can go for a wander for an hour or two. Or leave her with kids who are happy to be lazy and we go off for a walk or whatever.

I would see if you can hire a lightweight mobility scooter whilst on holiday.

Once you discover if that is actually possible - then have a conversation with your mum, and be honest with her, that you are upset she is missing out, you are frustrated that you want to spend time with her but are struggling to do so.

Then tell her, most people find it hard to transition to using a mobility aid, but pretty much everyone who does, finds that it does improve their quality of life - and she has the PERFECT opportunity to try it out, on holiday, where no one she knows will see her, and she won't see these people ever again either! She's totally anonymous!

I would lay it on a bit thick and really ask her to try it, for your sake if not for hers (I mean, really it is still for her sake but put it that way if you have to).

I absolutely get not wanting to be pushed around in a wheelchair, its horrible, I hated the idea when I first needed a manual chair, I hate it now and haven't used a manual chair for a few years (power chair now) - being under my own steam was MASSIVELY important to me and it is to most people tbh.