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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

On holiday with elderly mum who can't walk far

121 replies

Stressedout65 · 16/05/2022 22:29

Has anybody been to Anglesey & could recommend anything we could do with my elderly mum please. She has arthritis & can't walk very far. She refuses to have a mobility scooter or be pushed around in a wheelchair yet. I can't understand why she refuses the wheelchair at least. This leads to a very frustrating & limiting holiday to say the least. We can't do much & neither can she, what is the point in being here? We may as well be at home; so we said we'd go out tomorrow, but what do we do? Just drive around? It makes me feel quite cross. She does have bad nerves & gets upset easily, so the conversation ends up being shut down. She says she'll go anywhere so long as she doesn't have to walk far. I do not mind at all bringing her on holiday but I'm getting to the stage where I'm going to insist on her having a wheelchair or we don't bring her on holiday as it feels like a waste of time. Can someone suggest something we can do, or offer another perspective from her point of view if I'm being unreasonable?

OP posts:
NC1010 · 17/05/2022 10:26

CeeceeBloomingdale · 16/05/2022 22:47

I don't get why OP needs to be patient and not get annoyed. If someone's pride is ruining the holiday for everyone maybe they need to hear some home truths. Maybe the elderly mother needs to decide whether a wheelchair is better than not being invited next time. I'd suggest giving her this ultimatum. If she gets upset she gets upset, the conversation still needs to happen.

Completely agree

dianthus101 · 17/05/2022 10:28

NC1010 · 17/05/2022 10:26

Completely agree

She might prefer not to be invited if a holiday means being in a wheelchair though.

LittleOwl153 · 17/05/2022 10:32

I'd have a look at a scooter hire. Tell her she can try it out here on holiday where none of her friends are - and you won't share any photos of her in it so she doesn't have to admit it if she doesn't want to. (Worked with my MIL)

I don't know Anglesea but in a seaside resort on the east coast recently we saw a cycle hire along the prom which had amongst toher things a 2 peddler bike with a seat on the front akin to a kid seat in a shopping trolley - could you see if there is something like that?
Otherwise see if there is an oldies run tea shop on the coast or somewhere and park her up for a few hours whilst you and family go do something you want to do? You might find the staff can suggest places she could go also.

Mariposista · 17/05/2022 10:32

OP have you tried a walking frame which has a little seat on it so your mum can sit down for a rest if she needs to? We just got one for my gran and she enjoys using it.

DilemmaDelilah · 17/05/2022 10:57

I can still walk around the supermarket, walk around a market, walk around a National Trust property. I just can't walk from the car park TO the National Trust property as well as going around it! I can drive, I can do everything I need to in the house (in small doses) I am not eligible for a blue badge - I just can't walk very far and I get exhausted. I really don't need a wheelchair or mobility scooter for normal daily life and when I choose a holiday I choose one where I can do my own thing and the people I'm going with can be more active if they want. There are usually plenty of things we can do together when we want to. The idea of being forced into a wheelchair just so that people could push me around to places THEY want to go to horrifies me! Just talk to your mum about your plans for the day - let her know what the options are and let her make her own choices. Instead of a wheelchair how about a fold up stool? Then if it is possible to drop her off somewhere (like a National Trust property) she can wait for you sitting down while you go and park.
And - as a person with limited (not no) mobility - I don't appreciate the comment about being "parked" in a cafe..... I'm a person not a thing!

Dianaofthelakeofshiningwaters · 17/05/2022 11:15

@HollaHolla- just read your post and wanted to say please don't be embarrassed about using a stick. As I said it is a big psychological adjustment to make when you need a mobility aid and I felt like you for many years. EventuaIly realised that I was actually the one limiting my ability to get out and about. Having young DC was the impetus because I didn't want to be stuck in a cafe while they experienced things without me. It's been a gradual process and if I'm honest it does still piss me off that I can't manage without my scooter or a wheelchair but at least now I can do stuff. As a family we've been to festivals and abroad with my trusty scooter and it's mostly been fine - although I am always under strict instructions from my DC (now teens) not to reverse as it makes the same sound as a lorry reversing which they find highly embarrassing. When I first got the scooter my DC used to have races with me and call me Dr Nefario as they always won 😁

10HailMarys · 17/05/2022 11:24

I can sympathise, OP. My dad was different to your mum in that rather than saying 'I'll do anything as long as I don't have to walk far' he would actually ask to do things or go to places and then after five minutes of being there, would announce that it was too hard for him. And my mum, whatever we suggested, would always say 'We'll just fit in with you, love, we can do anything, don't worry about me and Dad' but when we actually tried to do something would immediately say 'Hmm, this isn't an ideal place for Dad...'

I do think you will have to agree with your mum that you go and do things sometimes while she relaxes at your accommodation, or that you'll go to an attraction or a nice town or whatever and have a walk while she sits somewhere nice with a cuppa and enjoys the view for a bit. I completely understand your mum's reluctance to use a wheelchair but I totally get how frustrating things are for you.

HollaHolla · 17/05/2022 11:52

Dianaofthelakeofshiningwaters · 17/05/2022 11:15

@HollaHolla- just read your post and wanted to say please don't be embarrassed about using a stick. As I said it is a big psychological adjustment to make when you need a mobility aid and I felt like you for many years. EventuaIly realised that I was actually the one limiting my ability to get out and about. Having young DC was the impetus because I didn't want to be stuck in a cafe while they experienced things without me. It's been a gradual process and if I'm honest it does still piss me off that I can't manage without my scooter or a wheelchair but at least now I can do stuff. As a family we've been to festivals and abroad with my trusty scooter and it's mostly been fine - although I am always under strict instructions from my DC (now teens) not to reverse as it makes the same sound as a lorry reversing which they find highly embarrassing. When I first got the scooter my DC used to have races with me and call me Dr Nefario as they always won 😁

Thank you - that's so kind. You know what it's like.... I used to play a lot of sport/run/climb/etc. Now I struggle with a flight of stairs..... 😟
Love the idea of you being Professor X!

faw2009 · 17/05/2022 11:52

My dad was also very proud and felt that being pushed in a wheelchair was not dignified. But when he really couldn't go anywhere due to COPD, we got a mobile electric wheelchair which he could control and he enjoyed that as he could go where he wanted. Also folded up so very portable.

Bojheybuddy · 17/05/2022 12:00

Prince William, is this you?

Dianaofthelakeofshiningwaters · 17/05/2022 12:06

@HollaHolla - I guess if you've previously been so active the adjustment must be even more challenging. I've had mobility issues since early teens so have never been able to do much physically - the one thing I do miss is dancing (but must admit to having to dose myself up on booze and painkillers to do it so probably not recommended). Be kind to yourselfFlowers

Lovemusic33 · 17/05/2022 12:12

We went to north wales and Anglesey last summer, my dd has mobility issues (can’t walk far), there is an aquarium (sea zoo) and Plas Newydd House and Garden which is a national trust place where there are red squirrels, we also drive up too RAF valley where you can watch the hawk jets take off and land.

Staffy1 · 17/05/2022 12:38

Benllech beach, car park, loos and cafe all right on beach front.

JesusMaryAndJosephAndTheWeeDon · 17/05/2022 14:26

My Mum also has limited mobility and has a wheelchair that she absolutely hates using unless absolutely ordered to by her doctor.

I think you need to understand a bit more about what it is like to be in a wheelchair. Her reluctance to use a wheelchair is not just pride it is genuinely unpleasant and a bit scary.

You have no control when in a wheelchair being pushed by someone else you have to trust them entirely. You might not feel safe, especially not on ramps or steep inclines or over uneven ground. You are dependent upon them in terms of direction, speed and route.

She probably feels a nuisance and a burden being pushed in a wheelchair that can't go everywhere.

People treat wheelchair users differently, I have lost count of the times my Mum has been ignored and shop/cafe staff talk over her head to me.

Then there is the disapproval and judgement if you get out of your chair, which has to be weighed against the inconvenience of being unable to reach stuff or fit places.

The people who feel they can make enquiries about your health/medical history.

The chair may not be very comfortable, she may get back or hip pain sitting in it. She may get cold easily.

Mobility scooters are scary if you haven't used one before, and they differ so you have to deal with getting to know it every time. They also aren't suitable for everyone, my Mum struggles as she is short and can't sit at the back of the seat and reach the handlebars.

Please try to be a bit more understanding.

In terms of what we do, does she have a blue badge? That made a huge difference in terms of what my Mum could do as being able to park close by means she can use her limited walking distance for enjoyable stuff. When she didn't we used parent and child spaces sometimes, other times we dropped her off by the door and went to park, we also phoned venues and asked if they had "accessible spaces" or could reserve a space close to the entrance. We had a home made sign for the car to try and avoid any grief about using parent spaces.

In terms of suggestions the national trust are pretty good at having accessible parking spaces, and golf cart transport for those with limited mobility. They often have chairs available to rest in too and the staff and volunteers are very helpful. You can easily spend a day slowly making your way round a national trust venue with lots of stops on a bench to enjoy the view. They have good advance information about the sites too.

Museums and art galleries normally have good disabled access, nice smooth floors, lifts and plenty of seats. Theatres and cinemas normally have accessible seating too.

Would she be happy to sit on a bench for a bit and enjoy the view while you walk a bit further? My Mum goes equipped with a book and an MP3 player and quite enjoys sitting on a bench with a view or even in the car on the seafront while we walk further than she can manage. A folding chair or stool can help with this too.

A scenic drive with lots of short stops to have a little walk or a cup of tea.

A picnic on the beach or in the countryside would work as long as you could park reasonably close.

Is there a preservation railway nearby? A scenic trip on a steam train would not require much walking and normally there is a cafe at either end.

cruisecrazy · 17/05/2022 16:17

Your mother is being extremely selfish. If she refuses to use a wheelchair leave her in the holiday cottage with a book and let her get on with it and you go and do your own thing, it might make her think. Does she realise how much she is missing in life by being so obstinant. I am 82 years old and have a mobility scooter which has literally allowed me to travel all over the world from China to Chile, in fact I am off in three weeks time on a cruise to Norway. She really needs to be told some home truths, she is lucky to have a daughter as patient as you.

CoralBells · 17/05/2022 16:27

Could you get some foldaway chairs and drive to the beach and then sit in the chairs having a picnic. Not necessarily on the beach itself but overlooking it. Or somewhere with a view.

BreakorMake · 17/05/2022 16:45

This is why I often think if the Queen used mobility aids, others of her generation and often younger wouldn't be so reluctant to use them also.

I am not saying that the Queen's refusal to use wheelchair or other aids (bar a stick) is stopping people from using them, but it most certainly is not encouraging them either.

skybluee · 17/05/2022 16:49

It's down to choice and yes it should be her choice, she isn't a thing. I'm quite shocked by some of the views in this thread and thank God that JesusMaryAndJosephAndTheWeeDon wrote her post as it says a lot of what I was going to say. It's frightening for some people to be put into a wheelchair. They are relinquishing control, independence in a way and have to trust another person. It also may feel undignified to some people. There can be a lot of emotions tied up in it, it's not as simple as just sitting in a chair. It may remind some people of being a child or infantilise them. Also to add the extra dynamic of a parent being pushed by their child, it's a bit of a role reversal that might be difficult to accept. Especially when it feels like they're being coerced into it. There is also the fear they can be taken somewhere they don't want to go and not be able to get back - you have to 100% trust that whoever you're with will respect your wishes.
I don't see how she is being selfish as we don't know what she's said or what the situation is. We don't know if she's said she's quite happy sitting in on her own or spending time on her own while they do their own thing.

Yes, of course it could be easy for some people and some may do it without a second thought, but not everyone is the same and people should accept that different people find different things difficult. Just like I would accept and understand that some people might find e.g. exercise or losing weight difficult. I literally hate anyone standing behind me let alone standing behind me and above me and controlling my movements which is why for me either not walking or accepting the pain that comes with it no matter how bad that may be is actually easier than going in a wheelchair. I'm not going to get into my own situation but please understand it's not straightforward for everyone.

OP, I hope you manage to find a solution with your mum. She obviously wants to go on holiday with you so ask her what she thinks. See if she thinks a wheelchair would make it easier. See what the obstacles are. Why is she worried about having one?

JesusMaryAndJosephAndTheWeeDon · 17/05/2022 17:21

cruisecrazy · 17/05/2022 16:17

Your mother is being extremely selfish. If she refuses to use a wheelchair leave her in the holiday cottage with a book and let her get on with it and you go and do your own thing, it might make her think. Does she realise how much she is missing in life by being so obstinant. I am 82 years old and have a mobility scooter which has literally allowed me to travel all over the world from China to Chile, in fact I am off in three weeks time on a cruise to Norway. She really needs to be told some home truths, she is lucky to have a daughter as patient as you.

It is great that you are so independent and find your mobility scooter so useful but everyone is different and not everyone feels the same.

This lady may be being selfish but as she is willing to miss out on nice stuff it seems more likely that she's frightened, uncomfortable or upset by the wheelchair.

LIZS · 17/05/2022 17:31

Try Plas Newydd. Iirc it is downhill to the house but there are cafe and gardens near carpark nt.global.ssl.fastly.net/documents/maps/1431729909697-plas-newydd-house-and-garden.pdf

kimwexlerfan · 17/05/2022 17:32

Steam Train? I think there is one near Snowdonia.

Sympathies, my mum was the same, she was happy to sit in a cafe or car though while I took the kids into castles etc.
it's hard to accept loss of independence, we won't know until it happens to us.

LIZS · 17/05/2022 17:33

Agree that NT and English Heritage can be good for accessibility. Even if she does not have a blue badge you may be able to use spaces closer to the attraction by talking to a staff member. Beaumaris castle is very close to road and a beach.

RockNess · 17/05/2022 17:36

If you exhaust the other excellent suggestions try an overnight ferry to Dublin and back

Wheresmywoolyjumpers · 17/05/2022 17:43

A friends mum pushed her wheelchair - helped her mobility to use it that way but she did not have to use it. With my mum, we would take it 'just in case' and she would walk for a while then use it when she got tired.

JesusMaryAndJosephAndTheWeeDon · 17/05/2022 17:46

LIZS · 17/05/2022 17:33

Agree that NT and English Heritage can be good for accessibility. Even if she does not have a blue badge you may be able to use spaces closer to the attraction by talking to a staff member. Beaumaris castle is very close to road and a beach.

A few have blue badge spaces and then "accessible" spaces for those who need them but don't have a blue badge, or they can sort out forward parking if you ask. We have been allowed to drive up to the main building at some places!

They often have a shuttle service to cut walking down too. It is really well worth giving any NT or EH venue a call to see what is available. They are generally great. We've been run around in a buggy/golf cart type thing at so many places, and there's no stigma as the whole family can hop in.

They can normally sort out a chair or folding stool indoors and either alternative routes to avoid lots of steps or sometimes have a virtual tour of areas that are only accessible by stairs.

They literally fall over themselves to ensure that you have a good day and are looked after if you let them know about access needs.