On holiday with elderly mum who can't walk far

[Stressedout65]

Has anybody been to Anglesey & could recommend anything we could do with my elderly mum please. She has arthritis & can't walk very far. She refuses to have a mobility scooter or be pushed around in a wheelchair yet. I can't understand why she refuses the wheelchair at least. This leads to a very frustrating & limiting holiday to say the least. We can't do much & neither can she, what is the point in being here? We may as well be at home; so we said we'd go out tomorrow, but what do we do? Just drive around? It makes me feel quite cross. She does have bad nerves & gets upset easily, so the conversation ends up being shut down. She says she'll go anywhere so long as she doesn't have to walk far. I do not mind at all bringing her on holiday but I'm getting to the stage where I'm going to insist on her having a wheelchair or we don't bring her on holiday as it feels like a waste of time. Can someone suggest something we can do, or offer another perspective from her point of view if I'm being unreasonable?

I wouldn't be annoyed with her for not wanting to be pushed around in a wheelchair. That might make it more enjoyable for you but not necessarily for her. She would probably rather stay at home and I don't blame her.
Are there any National Trust places or similar? They are can be quite good for people with limited mobility. You might be able to hire a mobility scooter
there for her to use and get around the grounds independently.

These were winners for my mum when she had limited mobility. A disabled car badge and radar key for toilets helped too. Regarding the wheelchair, my mum was a very reluctant user. In the end I borrowed a lightweight one to try when we went away. For the first couple of days it was pushed empty apart from our bags and coats, but then she agreed to sit in it for a while when she was tired and there wasn't a convenient seat. We then progressed to her agreeing to be pushed on the 'boring bits', getting from the car to where she wanted to go and then she would walk a little way, knowing she could always sit down of she needed to. I think she realised there were places she would never get to see again if she had to walk all the way. The wheelchair made it possible for her to walk on the beach and even have a little paddle because she hadn't tired herself out just getting there. She also didn't have to worry about being too tired to get back to the car afterwards.

Two things here.

Do you invite your mum on holiday, or does she demand to be included?

If she has nerves and gets upset, is it a way of controlling you all? Does it mean you tiptoe round her and always let her have her own way?

I think the answers to those points make a lot of difference to how you tackle this.

I don't know the area, but is there a hop-on-off bus in the area? Pre-knee replacement, my mum loved these, because she could just manage to get onto the bus, see the sights, with a commentary and get off again.

I’m afraid my DGM was always reluctant/ often refused to use a wheelchair, even when her mobility deteriorated to the point we needed hoists at home to help move her. It’s a really tricky situation and you know your Mum best, but it may be you have to insist on the wheelchair?

Try to get one with a firm base or thick padded cushion as I know from having to use the ones with a hammock type base that they feel incredibly wobbly.

Or the compromise of spending some of the holiday separately doing your own thing.

Why don't you discuss what you both want to do ?

Then you can plan some things to do & take some photos

Perhaps lunch at a cafe with a nice view

Icecream at

Bus to

Everyone goes to Llan....gogogoch

Cemaes Bay St Patrick's Bell

Red squirrel spotting

It's about having something new to look at

Assuming they have mental capacity... This is THEIR CHOICe!

I had an elderly great aunt like this... I suspect it was to do with pride /independence /not wanting to feel old, a 'burden'....

She eventually did agree to a wheelchair after months of family gently suggesting it...

When she realised how much she was missing out on.

I also can't walk very far and yes, it does restrict things for me - but I can walk short distances and I would absolutely hate to be put in a wheelchair just because the people I am on holiday with want to walk further. For me.... I love a boat trip. I would be happy sitting looking at the view or having a cup of coffee while others go off and do stuff ( provided it's not freezing cold and raining!) And quite honestly I would probably also enjoy a day or two to myself with a good book while the rest go off on an all day hike, and then a nice meal out in the evening. But if the situation was reversed I would certainly have discussed it with my Mum beforehand and gone somewhere that suited all of us - with things she wanted to do (or the opportunity not to do things, in nice surroundings) as well as things for us. Put yourself in her shoes for a minute... how would you like being infantalised and treated as a burden? Compromise is the key.

My mother was similar and my siblings and I ended up refusing to take her places unless she agreed in advance to go in her wheelchair after one too many ruined days out due to her inability to walk/stand.

she mostly chose to stay at home.

but it was a choice.

When my mum couldn't walk far - a Blue Badge and not doing everything together were key.

The joy of rocking up to a stately home and parking outside the front door in the disabled spot never really wore off.

Mum would then stagger around the ground floor and park herself in the cafe while we did everything else.

Same going to a nice town/village/beach - she could do a few shops near the parking place, then nice lunch while we buggered off.

Unfortunately this does require a mum who is honest about her capabilities, determined and also doesn't want to spoil your day which OP may not have.

It's not up to OP to insist on a wheelchair. How infantilising to disabled people can you get!!!

Good post. I would hate to be pushed around in a wheelchair too and would rather sit near a nice view or in a cafe/pub.

My mum and granny use the wheeled zimmers that are also seats so they can take a wee rest when they need to.

I can see your mum's point of view but having had to accept using a wheelchair and mobility scooter in my early 40s, it saddens me that some people are so self limiting. I struggled with the decision and it does require a psychological shift in your identity which can be difficult but I wish older people wouldn't see it as admitting failure. It really pisses me off even now when people say "it's a slippery slope " etc when you need to use a mobility aid.

I had young DC when I started using mine and had reached the point when I either got a scooter or I missed out on family outings. I am still limited as there are places that are inaccessible but I am so thankful that I have been able to use a scooter.

Could you suggest that your mum try one for a day? It is a big mental adjustment but I can still remember the first time I used one and how wonderful it felt to not be in such excruciating pain at the end of a day out.

Deposit her somewhere and do your own thing. If she objects she is being very selfish.

A few years ago I fell down some steps within minutes of arriving at our holiday cottage and badly injured my foot. I spent most of the holiday in cafes with a cup of coffee and a book/knitting while my husband, daughter and grandchildren went walking etc. It was fortunate that I was perfectly happy doing that, but no way should others sacrifice their enjoyment for me.

I know this isn’t the advice you asked for, but my DGM refused to use a wheelchair until I hired one for a holiday “just in case” - just to try it and see, so she didn’t have to miss out - and it was a bit of a revelation for her. Once she’d gotten over the mental block of sitting in it she realised it was great - she could go round shops, into pubs, nice walks etc. As soon as we got home she bought one. The woman at the mobility aids shop said it was really common for people to be horrified of the prospect and steadfastly refuse to entertain the notion, but then when they end up trying it out they realise how beneficial they are.

DGM was a very proud woman, always beautifully turned out and a heck of a character - she used to hold her walking stick like a lance and have me push her at a run, and god forbid if you didn’t follow her directions 😆. But my point is that after a lot of swearing and muttering and moaning, once she tried a wheelchair she never looked back, and we had fun.

Anyhow, perhaps it might be worth trying - present is as a fait accompli, as in “I’ve hired this so you don’t miss any of the fun, it’ll be in the boot of the car, just say if you want to give it a try”. Or, “Mum, there’s a lovely walk with a smashing tea room/pub/whatever at the end, so let’s give it a whirl and see how it goes”.

I can totally understand you feeling frustrated and irritated with your DM, but using mobility aids for some people is like an admission of frailty, it must be scary and upsetting to face the reality of an aging body. It’s awkward because it’s not something you can, or should, try to force her into - but if you can somehow encourage her to come to an acceptance of it as something that will enhance her quality of life (rather than a badge of frailty) then it might help? Easier said than done though!

I think the important thing is dignity. My mum eventually agreed to going out in a wheelchair when she collapsed in a garden centre and I had to carry her back to the car. It was much better for all of us once she didn't have to struggle with walking through the boring places and could concentrate on walking when we got to the thing we actually were going to see. The key words that helped were boring and interesting. "Save your energy for the interesting bits".

I had a back injury last summer which made it incredibly difficult to walk for about 4 months. I wanted a wheelchair and wish I had insisted on it. It would have been far more dignified than staggering hunched over with a stick for tiny distances before trying to find a suitable chair that wouldn't be agony to sit in with people passing comments on my ability to walk or not.

Having said that my MIL who isn't elderly or disabled refuses to walk more than a few steps at a time. Fortunately she's a voracious reader, so is often left in the car or a cafe while FIL takes his dogs for hikes. I feel bad leaving her, but I think she enjoys the downtime. Again I think she finds more dignity in choosing to do something she's good at (reading a wide range of books) than being dragged along on an activity where she'd struggle. So I agree with others, let her choose, but work towards the idea that a wheelchair is a more dignified solution than struggling to walk for longer distances.

Separate time. Can you get her set up in a hotel with a cup of tea and a view. Go sightseeing for a few hours and come back. You can’t sit around doing nothing all day. It’s her choice.

Tell her I gave in to a wheelchair and it's the best thing I've done. We have so many more options of what to do.

Do check English Heritage and National Trust places as some do have assistance for those who can't walk far. The number they give on the property details gets you right through to the attraction. I know you are in Wales but worth knowing. Ring and ask for help at other places that interest you it is to their benefit to assist. I have problems and as said above it is often getting from the car park that is the problem rather than the attraction itself.

It's your holiday too!

Could your Mum be left for an hour or two? Maybe she could have a nap or relax with a book in the middle of the day at your holiday rental/hotel and then you could go somewhere nice? You could bring back Fish and chips or something or offer to go for a drive later in the day.

Alternatively someone else's suggestion to see if she could read in a cafe for an hour (maybe at a National Trust house or something) while you walk around might be good?

Ask her what she would like to do and then make a plan to do that before or after going out without her.

Princess Anne, is that you?! 😀

You have my sympathy. Lots of good ideas here but when the elderly lose most of their mobility it is very hard if they won't accept aids. The boat trip is a good idea for instance. But you have to get her from the nearest car park, along the pier and into the boat. My mother is 91. Can't see her accepting a wheelchair any time soon and what looks like a short walk to us is increasingly difficult for her. Not much fun for you to simply sit in the car most places when a wheelchair would mean a nice walk along the promenade or to that lovely cafe overlooking the sea. I think I would do the things possible this time, even if it is mainly looking out at the scenery but for the future take her on days out doing the scenic view thing but not on holiday unless she changes her mind. Maybe if you are firm about this being the only option in future you could hire a wheelchair with a button movement thing to show her it still gives a bit of independent movement. Also saves the hard effort of pushing for you. Holidays are expensive and if you work you need a proper break. You are lovely to consider her so much but you also need to consider your own needs as well 💐

I feel kind of the same here. I'm only in my 40s, but my mobility has reduced significantly, due to a spinal injury. I still want to go on holiday/see/do things. It makes such a difference to one's mental health. I don't know Anglesey, but I do have an understanding of how it might feel for your Mum.

What I do is go do the things we decide to do together, then let my friends/family go ahead as they want to. I stop and sit on a bench/enjoy the view/have a coffee. I sometimes drop them off at one end of a walk, and drive to meet them at the other end, so we can have lunch, or something. Does your Mum still drive? Might that be something you can do?

It makes me really upset that I have such reduced mobility these days, but it's also a pride thing to not want to use a wheelchair/buggy/etc. I do use a stick a lot of the time, but I get embarrassed about that too. However, luckily my friends and family aren't dicks, so are pretty understanding.