Page 4 | On holiday with elderly mum who can't walk far

LIZS · 17/05/2022 17:49

Just seen that at Plas Newydd there is a golf buggy available on request to transfer to house and back.

kimwexlerfan · 17/05/2022 17:50

Steam Train Suggestion

www.lake-railway.co.uk

devildeepbluesea · 17/05/2022 17:57

No advice, except to say that English Heritage, unsurprisingly,
don’t have a presence in Anglesey. You need to look out for Cadw places.

Lemonsandlimez · 17/05/2022 18:24

We had this with my nan who has very limited mobility, my mum then felt bad leaving her in the accomodation too, so the holiday was strained! We did a lot without nan but someone stayed with her at the house. This was her choice she didn't want to go out in the rain etc either.

How about a train ride? There's lots of lovely steam railway's been around there... We did manage Snowdon railway with nan and had a cuppa at the top before coming back down.

jellybeanteaparty · 17/05/2022 18:24

You need to have a conversation about expectations including what you want to do e.g. beach walks meals out and what she wants e.g. change of scene, company. Discuss how you can achieve this. With my Mother in law we got a daily paper for when she woke up and we went out early till noon and did our thing. Then p.m did something for all, like beach drive and cafe. The penny arcade went down well surprisingly!

Clarinet1 · 17/05/2022 18:53

I second the suggestion that North Wales has various model/narrow gauge railways which are a great way of seeing views and sites for minimal physical effort. Also, on family holidays with my DGM who had quite bad arthritis we would quite of leave her for a short time on the beach or seafront while we explored/climbed rocks or whatever.

CeeceeBloomingdale · 17/05/2022 22:17

dianthus101 · 17/05/2022 10:28

She might prefer not to be invited if a holiday means being in a wheelchair though.

Show quote history

That her call. I wouldn't pussy foot around someone who is hell bent on ruining everyone's holiday for no good reason. If she doesn't like the solutions offered then home may be best. Crying about it but not accepting help is ridiculous.

dianthus101 · 17/05/2022 22:46

That her call. I wouldn't pussy foot around someone who is hell bent on ruining everyone's holiday for no good reason. If she doesn't like the solutions offered then home may be best. Crying about it but not accepting help is ridiculous.

Don't be so nasty. The fact that she doesn't want to be pushed around in a wheelchair doesn't mean "she is hell bent on ruining people's holiday for no good reason". Many people have explained why being in a wheelchair is not much fun and it's not unreasonable to prefer staying at home. Try having some empathy.

HollaHolla · 18/05/2022 00:50

I’m genuinely pretty horrified by a lot of these messages, saying she should be forced into a wheelchair, or abandoned. I think there’s enough of us responded that there’s a massive emotional burden to losing your mobility, independence, and changing how you live.

In the OP’s case, I fully understand that this impacts on your holiday, but please do think what you all want out of this. If it’s an opportunity to spend time together, then you all have to be flexible - not just force her into your expectations of what you want to happen.

It would be great if people could think about how they would like to be in this situation - and not just think of people with mobility challenges as being stupid and bothersome. I would also give my general advice in life; ‘ don’t be a dick’.

CeeceeBloomingdale · 18/05/2022 08:28

dianthus101 · 17/05/2022 22:46

That her call. I wouldn't pussy foot around someone who is hell bent on ruining everyone's holiday for no good reason. If she doesn't like the solutions offered then home may be best. Crying about it but not accepting help is ridiculous.

Don't be so nasty. The fact that she doesn't want to be pushed around in a wheelchair doesn't mean "she is hell bent on ruining people's holiday for no good reason". Many people have explained why being in a wheelchair is not much fun and it's not unreasonable to prefer staying at home. Try having some empathy.

I've got plenty of empathy but the mother isn't helping herself and expecting everyone to fit in with her, crying if things aren't going her way. What about everyone else, why should she dictate what people can and can't do on holiday? There are solutions but she won't use them. I said home may be the best option.

@HollaHolla no one has suggested the mother is stupid or bothersome. She is inflexible and prepared to limit her family due to her lack of mobility. She could use a mobility aid, or encourage them to go ahead, or say she will stay in the accommodation for the day but no, she wants everyone to do things to her ability only and cries when she doesn't get her own way. It's a two way street, she needs to compromise and be flexible too.

Original poster

Stressedout65 · 18/05/2022 08:49

Hello all
Thank you for your suggestions and advice. We've done some of these and the comments have given me food for thought on how to manage the holiday better. We had a good day yesterday, she was left in the cafe to admire the views over a cup of tea while we did our thing. Her choice to be left not ours, and we're doing a sight seeing train ride today.
Comments have also given me food for thought on wheel chair use. Maybe she'll have a go as her mobility declines even more.
My lovely mum is neither selfish or manipulative though. Although it's frustrating for her to not be able to walk to see stuff she'll be left at a cafe or whatever so others can do their thing.
She's also going through a big adjustment in her own life too. After a long, happy marriage where both her & my dad were always out & about she's into her second year of widowhood & losing her independence on top of all that, it's hard for her too

OP posts:

dianthus101 · 18/05/2022 09:10

I've got plenty of empathy but the mother isn't helping herself and expecting everyone to fit in with her, crying if things aren't going her way. What about everyone else, why should she dictate what people can and can't do on holiday? There are solutions but she won't use them. I said home may be the best option.

You seem to have plenty of empathy for those that aren't disabled but absolutely none for those that are. The mother has every right to not want to be pushed around in a wheelchair. You don't know that she is expecting everyone else to revolve things around her or anything about her apart from the fact she's disabled but that seems to be all you need to know. I think your opinion says more about you than her.

Onlyforcake · 18/05/2022 09:15

Unfortunately society does view those of us with restricted mobility as 'less than' inevitably leading to the refusal to use mobility aids following injury or age related difficulties. Unfortunately not enough people see scooter as empowering, taking independence back from the advance of time.

dianthus101 · 18/05/2022 09:44

Being pushed around in a wheelchair isn't very empowering. Scooters obviously can be but they are expensive, not easy for everyone to use and there can be accessibility problems.

CeeceeBloomingdale · 18/05/2022 18:03

dianthus101 · 18/05/2022 09:10

I've got plenty of empathy but the mother isn't helping herself and expecting everyone to fit in with her, crying if things aren't going her way. What about everyone else, why should she dictate what people can and can't do on holiday? There are solutions but she won't use them. I said home may be the best option.

You seem to have plenty of empathy for those that aren't disabled but absolutely none for those that are. The mother has every right to not want to be pushed around in a wheelchair. You don't know that she is expecting everyone else to revolve things around her or anything about her apart from the fact she's disabled but that seems to be all you need to know. I think your opinion says more about you than her.

OP She refuses to have a mobility scooter or be pushed around in a wheelchair yet. I can't understand why she refuses the wheelchair at least. This leads to a very frustrating & limiting holiday to say the least. We can't do much & neither can she, what is the point in being here? We may as well be at home; so we said we'd go out tomorrow, but what do we do? Just drive around? It makes me feel quite cross. She does have bad nerves & gets upset easily, so the conversation ends up being shut down.

Well this seems to say different, we do know a lot. the mother may have every right to refuse a wheelchair but everyone else has the right to leave the holiday accommodation on occasion.

You don’t know me or my life (which is very connected to disabled people) and your opinion is based on nothing but a post here which you have interpreted as being anti disabled whereas I said the mother needs to compromise and not make all the decisions for everyone. OP had been back on and posted on how they are compromising now so there was no need to come back just to pick an argument.

MMAMPWGHAP · 18/05/2022 18:10

Fully admit have only skimmed this thread but seeing the queen being pushed in a wheelchair might help people with less mobility embrace one and get more out of life. Really annoys me that she seems to feel it is below her when so many of her subjects use one.

lljkk · 18/05/2022 19:14

Surely HRM would be on a gold & diamond crusted mobility scooter? Something she steered & commanded. Agree this could be an opportunity if she wanted to make it so.

emuloc · 18/05/2022 19:40

CeeceeBloomingdale · 16/05/2022 22:47

I don't get why OP needs to be patient and not get annoyed. If someone's pride is ruining the holiday for everyone maybe they need to hear some home truths. Maybe the elderly mother needs to decide whether a wheelchair is better than not being invited next time. I'd suggest giving her this ultimatum. If she gets upset she gets upset, the conversation still needs to happen.

This. No one is saying she has to spend the rest of her days in one. It is an aid, that could enhance her life. She is being selfish, letting her pride get in the way.

emuloc · 18/05/2022 19:43

Ignore my post please OP, I did not see your last reply.

Riverlee · 18/05/2022 19:45

boat rides? Steam train rides? Ie. Occupations where she can sit down

dianthus101 · 18/05/2022 19:56

CeeceeBloomingdale · 18/05/2022 18:03

OP She refuses to have a mobility scooter or be pushed around in a wheelchair yet. I can't understand why she refuses the wheelchair at least. This leads to a very frustrating & limiting holiday to say the least. We can't do much & neither can she, what is the point in being here? We may as well be at home; so we said we'd go out tomorrow, but what do we do? Just drive around? It makes me feel quite cross. She does have bad nerves & gets upset easily, so the conversation ends up being shut down.

Well this seems to say different, we do know a lot. the mother may have every right to refuse a wheelchair but everyone else has the right to leave the holiday accommodation on occasion.

You don’t know me or my life (which is very connected to disabled people) and your opinion is based on nothing but a post here which you have interpreted as being anti disabled whereas I said the mother needs to compromise and not make all the decisions for everyone. OP had been back on and posted on how they are compromising now so there was no need to come back just to pick an argument.

Show quote history

She doesn't have to be in a wheelchair in order for everyone else to leave the accommodation though does she? And OP hasn't said anywhere that her mother is insisting everyone does what she wants and cries if they don't.
That is your interpretation and says more about you you than anything else. The fact that you are "very connected" to disabled people doesn't mean you aren't "anti disabled" either. You might be far from empathic and understanding towards them. I am disabled and wouldn't want to be "connected" to someone with the attitude that I'm selfish for not wanting to be pushed around in a wheelchair.

CeeceeBloomingdale · 19/05/2022 03:53

dianthus101 · 18/05/2022 19:56

She doesn't have to be in a wheelchair in order for everyone else to leave the accommodation though does she? And OP hasn't said anywhere that her mother is insisting everyone does what she wants and cries if they don't.
That is your interpretation and says more about you you than anything else. The fact that you are "very connected" to disabled people doesn't mean you aren't "anti disabled" either. You might be far from empathic and understanding towards them. I am disabled and wouldn't want to be "connected" to someone with the attitude that I'm selfish for not wanting to be pushed around in a wheelchair.

Show quote history

OP herself said We can't do much & neither can she, what is the point in being here? We may as well be at home; so we said we'd go out tomorrow then talks about her getting upset and shuts down conversation. I am not making it up! Nor did I say the only solution was being pushed in a wheelchair.

I'm not anti-disabled, I actually have a slight disability myself, have family with disabilities and I work with disabled people who tell me daily how I'm understanding and make them feel better. so I am secure in myself.

I am anti-bullying though and you're hounding me and twisting my words. I don't need your approval of me, particularly when your comments don't even make sense in the context of what I've posted on this full thread as you are focusing on just one sentence. I certainly wouldn't want to be connected to someone with your attitude and prejudices either. I'm not replying to you anymore as I don't value your warped opinion.

Marvellousmadness · 19/05/2022 05:30

Get a wheelchair. Put your mum in it. Tell her everything will be fun

Then . Have a great day. Two great days. 3? And then your mum will realise that she needs to get over her mental hurdle. A wheelchair doesn't make her less. It makes her More!

dianthus101 · 19/05/2022 11:04

CeeceeBloomingdale · 19/05/2022 03:53

OP herself said We can't do much & neither can she, what is the point in being here? We may as well be at home; so we said we'd go out tomorrow then talks about her getting upset and shuts down conversation. I am not making it up! Nor did I say the only solution was being pushed in a wheelchair.

I'm not anti-disabled, I actually have a slight disability myself, have family with disabilities and I work with disabled people who tell me daily how I'm understanding and make them feel better. so I am secure in myself.

I am anti-bullying though and you're hounding me and twisting my words. I don't need your approval of me, particularly when your comments don't even make sense in the context of what I've posted on this full thread as you are focusing on just one sentence. I certainly wouldn't want to be connected to someone with your attitude and prejudices either. I'm not replying to you anymore as I don't value your warped opinion.

Show quote history

You did give the wheelchair as the only solution. Nowhere did you suggest other things that could be done without a wheelchair so that everyone could enjoy their holiday including the mother. You said:

“I don't get why OP needs to be patient and not get annoyed. If someone's pride is ruining the holiday for everyone maybe they need to hear some home truths. Maybe the elderly mother needs to decide whether a wheelchair is better than not being invited next time. I'd suggest giving her this ultimatum. If she gets upset she gets upset, the conversation still needs to happen.”

And “I wouldn't pussy foot around someone who is hell bent on ruining everyone's holiday for no good reason. If she doesn't like the solutions offered then home may be best. Crying about it but not accepting help is ridiculous.”

Not exactly empathic or understanding.

Emtaboo · 19/05/2022 12:18

Hi OP
Some good ideas on this thread already:
sitting by the sea with fish and chips
leave your mother in a cafe she feels safe in for you to explore
train rides
My mother couldn’t walk far (RIP) and now my father can’t. I also have a six month old so have to carefully plan everywhere we go. Blue badge is a godsend. I call it a blue badge to my Dad, not a disability badge. I explained to him that navigating across a busy car park with narrow spaces between cars is dangerous with him!
I completely understand your frustration. Just remember though, one day you will look back and you will never regret the time and effort you put into planning a nice holiday for your mother. I had to plan everything ahead for mine. And I’d do it all over again, as I wish she was still here to take out.
Good luck and enjoy your holiday x