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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this mum a cf!

83 replies

Av0bo55 · 16/05/2022 15:57

I’m just wondering what people think about this if it’s odd or normal?
my dd in reception has had quite a lot of play dates and has had one girl around three times now (among many others)
the the girls mum, has never reciprocated any play dates, despite doing many others. In fact, I saw her with three last week ( not childcare related )
may dd said today that she’d asked her friend if she can go one night and the girls said she asked her mum and mums said back to her that “no she can’t come over”
odd? My dd has never been , so can’t be behaviour related and teachers say she’s polite and friendly and well behaved at school. I had only good things to say about her dd at pick up time and how well they had played and they seemed to have a really great time, so I cannot think of anything , that would cause an issue.
bit confused about it really?

OP posts:
Pinkishpurple · 16/05/2022 16:02

I have the same situation and am none the wiser! Although in this case the mum always says she will have my daughter over soon but it never materialises! My daughter is known for being super quiet, kind and well behaved so I'm really baffled! She does have one of their joint friends over which makes me a little sad, but i think that is because she is best friends with the mum. The mum is nice in conversation to me and i am nice to her, so there is no fall out!

Original poster
Av0bo55 · 16/05/2022 16:05

So similar! Except I don’t think she’s ever mentioned anything about a play date except on a group chat once but it never materialised she doesn’t even work either so I know it’s not time related

OP posts:
PAFMO · 16/05/2022 16:06

Maybe she works. Maybe there's a family situation you are unaware of.
Your daughter should be told it's not polite to invite herself.

yesthatisdrizzle · 16/05/2022 16:11

I seem to remember it being that the mums who are friends with each other will tend to invite one another round more, and of course their kids go along too.

FiveNineFive · 16/05/2022 16:12

This wouldn't bother me. If the kids enjoy playing together they can come to my house

Speakuptomakeyourselfheard · 16/05/2022 16:12

Sounds to me like she's one of those Mums that is happy to let their little one go play elsewhere, but when it comes to doing her bit, she's not very keen. Personally, when my DD was small I preferred her friends to come to me, as 1) I got to know her friends, and 2) I knew that the kids were safe. Some Mums just aren't really cut out for looking after other peoples kids, and if she's like that I wouldn't want mine to go there anyway.

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 16/05/2022 16:14

I get very embarrassed and nervous having people in my home if I don't know them. Are the other kids' families friends with this mum?

SpaceJamtart · 16/05/2022 16:16

There are so many possible reasons that would mean the mum cant have other kids home.
Some of them are potentially isosolating for her daughter, so maybe while she might feel bad about not reciprocating, she wouldn't want to cut her daughter off from seeing friends outside of school.

Whatever her reason, whether she works a lot, lives in a tiny studio flat with no space, hates other peoples children, has a violent partner, 10 other kids of her own, a chronic health condition etc, its probably not her daughters fault, so she still wants to let her go on play dates.

SpaceJamtart · 16/05/2022 16:20

Also those playdates might be a lifeline for her daughter or time without the child that she really needs due to any number of reasons.

Playdates are an offered thing, I don't think its cheeky to accept an offer that is beneficial to both children.

SleeplessInEngland · 16/05/2022 16:22

It is cheeky but some people may get anxious with non family members in their home. You could just not invite her child over again but presumably your DD enjoys having her so I'd just leave it. You can't exactly force an invite.

Mary46 · 16/05/2022 16:22

Hi I always tried to keep it fair and return the favour. I dont know op the reasons. I remember 1 inviting herself found that quite forward! If its all one sided just do odd time. I know what you mean though

Drame · 16/05/2022 16:26

Maybe she’s embarrassed by her house? Is yours particularly large/clean/fancy?

Beautiful3 · 16/05/2022 16:27

Try not to take it personally. They could be hoarders, anti social, stuck in an abusive relationship (I know of one), have severe OCD (I know one mum who refuses playmates because of her husband's OCD), disability, financial hardship (so cannot afford to feed another child and worried about the home being judged).

Isonthecase · 16/05/2022 16:27

I think it depends on how close you are. I've had some friends over but not others because our house is a work in progress and I'm close enough to them that I know that they won't judge, plus theirs usually aren't any better! Maybe get to know the mum a bit better? If your house is immaculate you're much more likely to find they're worried about comparison

Tdcp · 16/05/2022 16:29

DD has always had this issue in school, she's year 2 now. She has a really strong friendship group according to her teachers and is invited to the parties etc but she never gets any playdates! I've tried to organise some but it never comes off, they do go on playdates with each other though which makes me sad.

FlissyPaps · 16/05/2022 16:29

I wouldn’t say it’s cheeky.

She’d be cheeky if she just dropped her child on you without an invite and without notice.

But as PP’s say, there could be so many reasons why she hasn’t invited your child round to play at hers.

If you dislike her just keep her at arms length.

Thereisnolight · 16/05/2022 16:32

But OP said that the woman has had several other children over.
It’s possible she’s just limiting herself to a small number of circular playdates with mum friends. Lots of mums do this. Not me, I hasten to add, as I think it should be about who the CHILDREN are friendly with and not the mums. But you’ll get this narrow-minded dynamic and they can keep it up for years, all through primary.
What I always found frustrating was that I never knew how to explain to my child (and her friend) why she was never invited.
Just encourage your dd to have other friends and make sure your dd knows it’s the other mum’s decision to limit invitations and not anything your dd has done wrong.

HummingQuietly · 16/05/2022 16:32

You'll drive yourself mad if you fret about this stuff. I would stop inviting at this point unless your DD is particularly keen to have her back but don't give any headspace to the reasons/CFery etc.

As an example a friend of mine has a husband with terminal cancer. She invites a couple of DC whose mums she's known for years, but not others. I'm not saying there is always, or even usually, a "good" reason, but there might be so just leave it, don't worry, and don't take it personally.

emuloc · 16/05/2022 16:34

Beautiful3 · 16/05/2022 16:27

Try not to take it personally. They could be hoarders, anti social, stuck in an abusive relationship (I know of one), have severe OCD (I know one mum who refuses playmates because of her husband's OCD), disability, financial hardship (so cannot afford to feed another child and worried about the home being judged).

This. It could be any number of things. Your child is in reception, at that age why would you want her going to other peoples houses anyway? Unless of course you are with her.

Original poster
Av0bo55 · 16/05/2022 16:38

Ahh ok some interesting perspectives
she doesn’t work and her dd is an only child so not ten kids etc!
so I hadn’t thought she might have anxiety, I used to have awful panic attacks and ocd so I kinda get that might be a good reason, but then she maybe knows the other parents well enough to feel less anxious.

I think she probably doesn’t enjoy doing play dates from what I’ve observed too.

no idea regarding the house
but ours is a very new build detached in a nice street , so I had never thought about that!
Possibly because I come from a council estate and have lived in a flat in past , so I have never really thought about people being judged by that. I certainly wouldn’t care and have many friends that are and We love visiting!
But I do see what you all mean and it’s given me some food for thought on the matter
thank you!

OP posts:
cstaff · 16/05/2022 16:39

I remember years ago when my brothers kids were very young (all in their 20s now) they lived on a very young road where everyone went to each others birthday parties and played in each others houses etc. There was one family with 3 kids who never held parties and never let other kids (or adults for that matter) cross their front porch.

Apparently some neighbours stopped inviting the kids to parties etc but my brother and SIL actually felt sorry for the kids and made a point of having them over because they figured that their house was very strict and not much fun happened there. Anyway, I guess my point is that the kids shouldn't suffer because the mother is being odd. So if your child gets along with this kid there is no reason not to have them over once it is not a huge inconvenience to you and your DD enjoys herself.

2bazookas · 16/05/2022 16:43

It's probably some issue at home; anything from incontinent mad granny to unreliable dog / shouty dad/ chaotic house/ OCD houseproud. Some families are like that and just never have visitors.

Nothing personal about your daughter at all.

MrsGinaHarrison87 · 16/05/2022 16:57

No I don't think she's cheeky. You don't offer playdates with the expectation of it being returned. A while ago my son's friend's mum was offering sleepovers every week. I allowed him to go but it got too much and I didn't know how to say no. She'd have an answer for every excuse I gave. I never offered it back very often because I had 4 kids, one a newborn, one a toddler and one very young, so with her two kids (twins) I'd have 6 kids, while she had 3 older kids.

Happenchance · 16/05/2022 17:03

Are you in the police, or closely related to someone who is? She could have a meth lab at home 🤔

AnAussieMum · 16/05/2022 17:05

This is me. I have 3 daughters 6,9,11
They love to have friends over
I hate it!!
It really stresses me out, the other 2 always complain they want a friend over too. Then they annoy the sister and the friend that is over.
I find i clean my house extra well before the playmate and that stresses me out too.
Play dates make me anxious!

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