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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this mum a cf!

83 replies

Av0bo55 · 16/05/2022 15:57

I’m just wondering what people think about this if it’s odd or normal?
my dd in reception has had quite a lot of play dates and has had one girl around three times now (among many others)
the the girls mum, has never reciprocated any play dates, despite doing many others. In fact, I saw her with three last week ( not childcare related )
may dd said today that she’d asked her friend if she can go one night and the girls said she asked her mum and mums said back to her that “no she can’t come over”
odd? My dd has never been , so can’t be behaviour related and teachers say she’s polite and friendly and well behaved at school. I had only good things to say about her dd at pick up time and how well they had played and they seemed to have a really great time, so I cannot think of anything , that would cause an issue.
bit confused about it really?

OP posts:
Prinnny · 16/05/2022 17:09

Hmm if she’s having other children over but not yours I’d say she probably doesn’t like you or your DD and is trying to encourage her DDs other friendships to try fade yours out.

MrsBlaue · 16/05/2022 17:20

Not a “cheeky fucker” in any shape or form. Surely you allow your child to bring others home for their benefit and not in the hopes of getting the favour returned by the parent. There really is no need to feel like you have to reciprocate because someone at school invited your child over. Mind you, I proudly choose to stay out of the gate mum community, so maybe my perspective is skewed in that sense.

Ikeptgoing · 16/05/2022 17:24

@Av0bo55
It's very interesting that she does play dates with other children at her house, so it isn't an antipathy to having other children over to her house.

I too would also be thinking "hey I've done 3 play dates for your DD at mine why isn't this being reciprocated?" And would want to ask.

My DD would say something before girl tried to invite herself over again tried to invite herself over again "I haven't been to your house and would like to come over cos that's fair, as you've been over lots to mine"  (out of the mouths of babes..!)

I don't think YABU to expect play dates should be fairly even because it does take supervision, entertaining, effort, food and drinks to do play dates for reception aged children.

So other mum is a bit CF she isn't reciprocating at all. Especially when she reciprocated for other pupils and is perfectly happy for her DD to come to your house for play date with DD. You can discount it being about your DD otherwise the other mum wouldn't let her child come over to your house to hang out with her.

I'd invite different children over for a while for play dates and wait

I had this with a friend of my youngest DD and effectively started saying no to more play dates with 'Susie'. & let my DD say back to Susie (when Susie kept asking to come over for yet another play date or just turned up (!!) - that it was her turn as (DD) she would love to play at her house 'as that's fair' "

You can invent all sorts of convoluted reasons why another parent doesn't reciprocate but really I can't be doing with being someone else's childcare option as I work and am busy as it is. If no return invite after few play dates then there are plenty of other girls for DD to be friends with and in Year R it all turns on a penny anyway, they are friends with who they see most including outside school if play dates are on offer and who they happened to sit next to during that day. Don't store up precedent for a one way play date situ.

Ikeptgoing · 16/05/2022 17:25

MN formatting is SO ANNOYING . I put in 3 line gap inbetween every paragraph and it still jumbled them all together. Angry

Kingharoldshairstyle · 16/05/2022 17:25

I don’t really understand this, it reads like you offer play dates so you can get sone back and you see it as effectively free childcare for you rather than doing something for your kid . Did you even get your child to ask to go over to theirs? How cringe.

surely you can think of many reasons she’s not reciprocated?. From anxiety to hoarding to work to being ashamed of her living conditionS?

MamTDM · 16/05/2022 17:26

My DS is in year 10. He's been close friends with another boy since the very beginning of Reception. We've had the other boy here countless times, taken him on days out, had sleepovers, pizza, go-karting, cinema - you name it, which the mum has always enthusiastically agreed to. DS has been in his house once in the 11 years we've known him, and that was for about five minutes because we were dropping him home and he wanted to show DS something quickly. It used to annoy me, but I've given up even wondering about it now - she obviously just doesn't like having kids round (it's not just DS - she never invites anyone) but her son's lovely, so we just keep welcoming him here and accept that it's never going to be reciprocated.

I have severe social anxiety and chronic health problems and having kids here is really hard for me, but I've forced myself to do it because DS is an only child and it's important to him. It's easier now they're older but it was blooming hard work being responsible for younger ones!

MargaretThursday · 16/05/2022 17:26

Patner who does shifts, building works being done at home, anxiety, ashamed of house, ill... lots of possible reasons.

It could also have been a "can X come to my house tonight?" and "no she can't come", not meaning she can't ever come, but not tonight. I know one of mines used to specialise on coming out with inviting another child now, this minute, let's go, and, although I did it when I could, I couldn't always.

Beepbopblop · 16/05/2022 17:34

We don’t have play dates here because we have a very reactive (tiny) dog and I would feel like I need eyes in the back of my head.

I also work, so you may see me to pick up/drop off but I WFH so flex time in the mornings and evenings to accommodate.

I would invite for play dates out the home though, although our lot seem to just want to play PS5 after school these days!

Hallyup89 · 16/05/2022 17:37

If anything, you're the cheeky one for thinking that someone should invite your child to their house. You have no idea of what's going on in that woman's life. Obviously it's nice for her child to be invited for play dates and she may feel it's rude to decline, but she's under no obligation to reciprocate.

gamerchick · 16/05/2022 17:37

Ikeptgoing · 16/05/2022 17:25

MN formatting is SO ANNOYING . I put in 3 line gap inbetween every paragraph and it still jumbled them all together. Angry

It isnt, there are literally 3 line gaps between your paragraphs.

OP if she does them for other kids and not yours, her kid has told yours that she's 'not allowed' then stop having her kid over. Just swerve that one. It's not worth it

Ikeptgoing · 16/05/2022 17:39

Kingharoldshairstyle · 16/05/2022 17:25

I don’t really understand this, it reads like you offer play dates so you can get sone back and you see it as effectively free childcare for you rather than doing something for your kid . Did you even get your child to ask to go over to theirs? How cringe.

surely you can think of many reasons she’s not reciprocated?. From anxiety to hoarding to work to being ashamed of her living conditionS?

You haven't even read PPs original post!

It says very clearly that the other mum invited other children to hers for playmates but hadn't reciprocated to DD. And OP has had other girl over for play date 3 times already.

It's not childcare unless one parent is always going all the pkaydates at hers which is what is happening with this cf mum. Who has other play dates at hers so isn't anxiety or hoarding or other convicted reasons that other PPs are inventing bc they haven't read OPs first post! It's a lot of effort - lovely effort- to host play date for YrR aged child. So I wouldn't let my DD be a mug nor will I be, for a mum that never invited back but invites other classmates!!!

All easily resolved by OPs DD inviting over a different friend from school. I have 3 DCs and learnt the hard way that some parents take advantage abs feel it's important to ensure our girls in particular (but boys too) that friendships are shared effort and a massively uneven friendship isn't healthy.

Indicatrice · 16/05/2022 17:40

Yep, if she's having other kids over but not yours then she is effectively using you for free entertainment for her child or child care.

Does your dd have other friends?

Ikeptgoing · 16/05/2022 17:40

Argh the MNs glitch ...
(& boys too).., learn that friendships are shared effort and that a one way friendship isn't healthy.

Ikeptgoing · 16/05/2022 17:41

Indicatrice · 16/05/2022 17:40

Yep, if she's having other kids over but not yours then she is effectively using you for free entertainment for her child or child care.

Does your dd have other friends?

Thankyou @Indicatrice

Someone else that read OP's first post !!

Indicatrice · 16/05/2022 17:50

Welcome Smile

BadNomad · 16/05/2022 18:29

I don't ever remember playdates being a thing when I was a child. It was just,

Jane: "Mummy, can I go to Sarah's?"
Mum: "If her mum says it's ok."

Sarah: "Mummy, can Jane come over to play?"
Mum: "Not today."

That was it. It wasn't transactional. No one got offended. No one was a CF.

10HailMarys · 16/05/2022 18:29

dd said today that she’d asked her friend if she can go one night and the girls said she asked her mum and mums said back to her that “no she can’t come over”

The kids involved are reception age, you said? Then you really have no idea whether DD's friend actually asked her mum anything of the sort. We're talking about two five-year-olds here, so there's a good chance the other girl hasn't asked her mum at all, or asked her mum something like 'Can my friend come over tomorrow?' and the mum said 'Not tomorrow, love, it's too short notice' or something.

woodhill · 16/05/2022 18:33

Yanbu

It has to work both ways for me and I wouldn't bother if it was all one sided.

Original poster
Av0bo55 · 16/05/2022 18:42

Wrong actually! Sorry if it came across that way!
i don’t invite them to get invitation back, but because my dd enjoys it and she also enjoys going to others to play! Just found it odd and wondered what the reason may be? As usually people do reciprocate and I certainly would! I’d feel awkward not to do so!
but perhaps that’s just me!

Clearly there’s an issue but who knows what!

And yes my dd has other friends so I feel like making more effort with others to be honest and I have made sure all the girls have had a turn to come at one time or another! All have offered to have her back (except the one girl) - however I have declined a few due to my dd not feeling comfortable especially at the start of reception year due to lack of confidence and clingyness after covid. So it is not done just to be reciprocated at all! And especially not free care as not needed! But just wondering why when it otherwise seems to be the done thing by majority I’ve encountered!

OP posts:
Original poster
Av0bo55 · 16/05/2022 18:43

Good point
possibly not! Who knows!

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 16/05/2022 18:50

If she has other friends over, then she's trying to set her daughter up with a specific group of friends or trying to ingratiate herself with a particular set of mothers.

You and your daughter are not on her radar. This may be for the best in the long run.

Hollygolightly86 · 16/05/2022 18:59

By year 4 you won’t care as either way around they are a massive pain in the arse, I do still do them occasionally but only with friends I know that aren’t fussy eaters, needy or overly sensitive otherwise they are too stressful!

Joanajoanna · 16/05/2022 19:07

I think YABU and a CF. I don't see why/how you'd have an opinion on who someone invites into their own home. You're in for a rough ride if you're going to spend your child's school life trying to decipher other parent's choices.

drpet49 · 16/05/2022 19:14

It's very interesting that she does play dates with other children at her house, so it isn't an antipathy to having other children over to her house.

I too would also be thinking "hey I've done 3 play dates for your DD at mine why isn't this being reciprocated?" And would want to ask.

^This. This woman obviously has some issue with the OP.

Delatron · 16/05/2022 19:39

I wouldn’t really overthink it. She might just be better friends with the other Mums and only invites those she knows over? Maybe she has the other Mums over for coffee/wine at the same time?

To be fair I mainly did play dates with children whose Mums that I knew. 3 play dates with 1 child is quite a lot. Maybe she just doesn’t do them that frequently and is selective.

We had a similar situation in reverse. DS kept getting invited for constant sleepovers at a friends house - it just all got too much. It looked like we never reciprocated but I hate sleepovers - he’s just stopped going now.

Is she friendly when she comes to pick her up?

I’d just cut right down on play dates with this girl and invite others over instead. Still do them occasionally but don’t have any expectations of them being reciprocated- it doesn’t often work like that and best to realise that now.