To be annoyed by happy people?

[Grumpypaws]

I don’t know what it is about me, but when somebody says “Oh X person is wonderful, so happy and positive all the time, always smiling, what a joy” I feel stirrings of annoyance.

Take Sam Ryder for example. Loved Space Man,. But Graham Norton (and others) laid it on thick what an absolutely delightful person he is, and immediately I began to be irritated by the smiles and peace signs, when I hadn’t been before.

I think I know that IABU about this, and miserable and jealous to boot! Maybe I secretly wish people could / would say the same of me, except that I can’t just make myself be happy and smiley all the time way without feeling fake and insincere?

Anyway. How alone am I in feeling this way?

And lots of misery guts hate them.

Trauma dumping is incredibly toxic though. Occasionally talking through your issues with friends is fine but you really do have to help yourself, either with therapy or by making tough life choices. It is a glass half full /empty choice and when it is debilitating, as in mental illness (which I have experienced myself) then there are things you must do to help yourself, such as medicine, ditch toxic people, find a counsellor. Some people just go on about how terrible their lives are but they never do anything to help themselves and try to drag everyone around them down to their level of moping and negativity, it's draining.

Some people are just happy though!

I've been through some really traumatic stuff which made me realise that life is too short. I made a conscious decision to be happy and positive. I'm genuinely happy and I know it shows. I don't see what is wrong with that?

Didn’t think OP is disputing being happy at all. Thought the issue was excessive happiness that’s either forced or jarring in some way?

But how does she know it’s forced? Some people like to fake it till they make it too, good for them if it keeps them going.

It totally depends what you mean.

I don't like toxic positivity, rictus smiles, people who have to constantly let you know how happy they are as if they are in denial, people who use niceness as a weapon etc. I have a boss who is constantly fake nice and fake happy all the time as if admitting any negativity is a sign of weakness and who expects everyone to adopt this style and I find this very waring. It also is counterproductive because you lose the light and shade of life and genuine happiness doesn't stand out.

By the same token, I don't enjoy being around professional cynics, people who always impute the worst possible motives to others, people who are incapable of seeing the upside to situations and people who are ludicrously set in their ways and suspicious of change. If someone said they "didn't like happy people" I would tend to put them into this latter category. These people are just as draining as are the "fake" happy people.

I think you have to distinguish genuinely happy people who are quietly and independently happy without the need for validation or forcing other people to adopt their style and people who weaponise "happiness" and "niceness". There's a noticeable difference.

I fake positivity the whole time. Isn't it second nature as a parent, especially if you've got young children? It just becomes an admittedly exhausting overlay to life, trying to put a positive spin on everything. 'Oh, they're out of the (one type of cheese) you eat, DC. Never mind - let's try this orange cheese instead. How exciting - we never have the orange cheese! No need to roll around on the floor having a tantrum, I'm sure it will be lovely.'

Or on the way to the childminder to drop DC after a tantrum or unexpected toilet trip, in my head I'm thinking 'fuck, fuck, fuck, I'm never going to to make the train to work. I'll need to sprint the whole way and I've got 5kg of fucking presentations in my fucking bag'. While all the time with DC, I'm keeping up a positive commentary on how lovely his day is going to be - 'And you're doing art and going to the library today, which is going to be so much fun! And your friend Alex is back from holiday today, so you'll get to play with him. Won't that be lovely? And Mummy will come pick you up later and then we'll go to the shop and pick up something nice for dinner. And we can set up the paddling pool over the weekend...' And so on and so on.

It's like having a split consciousness - on the surface, there's the happy, positive family life that I'm trying to create for DC so he feels secure and, as a continuation of that, the professional, in-control me at work. Whereas running parallel to that underneath is just complete stress and panic about how I'm going to balance and manage everything. I suspect this isn't uncommon.

It depends. People can be low-key generally happy and optimistic without being annoying at all. But relentless, OTT, too-good-to-be-true positivity is pretty irritating, yes.

Some people just go on about how terrible their lives are but they never do anything to help themselves and try to drag everyone around them down to their level of moping and negativity, it's draining.

Agreed. I've come across a lot of people in my life who want to constantly talk about their problems and beyond a certain point it does become very selfish. There's a huge difference between talking to a trusted friend when you need help on a specific issue and offloading all the time about how shit your life is. If you find that your need to moan is dominating your social interactions its a reliable indicator that you need specialist help.

i was in a coffee shop next to the most absurdly chirpy and happy pregnant woman at the weekend. Probably about as far along as me; just maddeningly happy and talking nonstop about stuff in this excited way. I consider myself a pretty positive and happy person but it was way, way too much for me and very irritating to listen to 😃

People who are genuinely cheerful don't 'make themselves happy' like you say, it just comes from within. You can tell when it's put on.

I think constant superficial performance of “happiness” (like grinning and peace signs) is fine if someone is on show ie at work and that’s their work persona. Few people are like that in real life, but I get very fed up with people who are casually dismissive of the real problems of others and call it “being positive”. It’s just another form of selfishness.

On the other hand if you’re so miserable that you see other people being happy as a cruel thing they are doing to you, that’s going too far. People naturally vary from very jolly and optimistic to depressed and anxious.

so for me it’s less about how happy (or not) someone is and how empathetic they are to others. Both in terms of the “happier” ones taking the time to listen to their less happy friends, and in terms of less happy people at least trying to find joy in their friends’ company and warmth.

Most people that are genuinely very happy and positive have had a difficult upbringing or past and just feel so grateful that their life isn't shit anymore. The little things that make other people grumpy and miserable are just so much easier to shake off for positive people.

I'm a positive person and most people seem to appreciate my energy. I do notice that it weirdly tends to attract negative people that try to bring you down. Perhaps they are like you OP.

You attract the energy you give out.

If someone is positive and cheerful, then people are likely to respond to them that way.

But I think really you are talking about a particular type of display of cheeriness, which might actually be a bit fake - when people are determined to show how happy they are but in reality they are perhaps not.

Most people who are genuinely happy will generally emit a nice energy and feel good to be around (even for you - I'm sure you have some examples of people you've been around who have made you feel good and are not negative/ pessimistic).

I just think you are lumping together all 'happy' people and judging them in a bit of a strange way. There are many types of happiness, and many types of positivity/ optimism.

Maybe some counselling could help you unpick this. Jealousy will eat you up, it's the worst.

Out of interest, is this really about one specific person that's annoying you? If so that's fine, but you are generalising way too much here.

I think you need to look inward at what's really going on with this reaction, rather then over-thinking and judging other people's reactions. Start with yourself.

You do sound jealous (not a criticism - we all feel it sometimes) - try to unpick your reaction.

You will not increase your own happiness by resenting and judging others' happiness.

Didn’t think OP is disputing being happy at all. Thought the issue was excessive happiness that’s either forced or jarring in some way?

But how does anyone know is it's forced? Some people are just like that, it's an innate part of their personality.

...super happy people getting all the love annoys me

There's not a limited supply of love to go around. It is one resource humans have that doesn't run out.

So don't resent love that other people are receiving! They are not taking it away from you.

If you want to attract more love and positivity, look at yourself first of all.

I have been told I’m a very happy person, I did this test a long time ago and my predominant colour is yellow then green. I can completely get why it’s annoying when it a character trait that is just natural to some people.

I would love to be more formal at times so I can be taken more seriously. i have to work really hard at it and feels very un natural.

My other half is blue as their main colour so polar opposites and I can’t imagine him ever being described as happy or cheerful.

When I have been to the USA it’s the first time I understood what people meant when they said you can be too happy, some US colleagues where like me on steroids 😂

Most people that are genuinely very happy and positive have had a difficult upbringing or past and just feel so grateful that their life isn't shit anymore. The little things that make other people grumpy and miserable are just so much easier to shake off for positive people. I'm a positive person and most people seem to appreciate my energy. I do notice that it weirdly tends to attract negative people that try to bring you down. Perhaps they are like you OP.

I absolutely agree. I've learnt the hard way that life is too short so I'm determined to enjoy it!

I can see this when it's fake or forced but I heard Sam Ryder on Radio 4 this morning and he just sounded like someone who has completely embraced an experience, made the very best of it, and enjoyed every second of it. And that came through in his performance (I'd never heard of him before Saturday so no bias on my part). That is an amazing skill to have and more people could do with a dose of it. It can't be all the time for everything, but really being in the moment and properly experiencing the joy of something .... that's great for the soul and a really good thing to practice, as it's a skill.

I don't think it's usual to say what a genuinely lovely person a celeb is. Sam apparently comforted the singer who got the nul points. That's nice

When I have been to the USA it’s the first time I understood what people meant when they said you can be too happy, some US colleagues where like me on steroids 😂

This is true: having lived out there can be something slightly pathological about American positivity. It's so built into the fabric of their lives to be positive and entrepreneurial and moving forwards. In general its a good attribute and one that British people would benefit from copying to some extent but it can be slightly delusional and also leads to people being incapable of admitting when anything is not going to plan.

I'm a look on the bright side, find the silver lining kind of person, so even at the most difficult, horrible, stressful times of my life I'll have something to smile about and will be talking about positives. I feel better doing that than going around talking about shit things. That feels like dwelling on negatives to me and it makes me feel rubbish.

It's not fake at all. And it also doesn't mean I've lived a charmed life - it just means I deal with the crap stuff privately / with professionals equipped to help / with a trusted circle of the people closest to me.

The world in general sees the bouncy, happy, positive thing. I don't hide the crap, but if I do talk about it with you it will definitely be with a sickening-to-some dose of positivity!

Particularly given Roald Dahl’s notorious misogyny, this just reads like blaming conventionally-unattractive women for their lack of attractiveness because their thought processes must be all wrong or they would radiate loveliness. Like the kind of man who shouts ‘Smile, love, it might never happen!’ at passing women, because he feels entitled to require female strangers to be decorative.

Exactly.