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Original poster

How do I protect my pregnant sister from this?

88 replies

AnonAuntie · 15/05/2022 21:15

I've name changed because I think this is identifiable and I don't want previous posts to come back to me, so not a first time poster.

My Dad is married to my step mum who he has been with for three years (married for two). My siblings (1 brother and 1 sister) and I are late 30's early 40's and my sister is 7 1/2 months pregnant with her first child.

My step mum is causing problems and I don't understand why. She says none of us like her, she doesn't feel part of the family and she wants nothing to do with us and for my Dad to choose between her and us, which he's told me and he says she's his wife so he will pick her.

When I ask her why she doesn't feel part of the family it's because the first year she was going out she didn't get a birthday card from any of us (we didn't even know they were going out), she wants to be called the childs grandmother even though my sister and her partner have decided that my Mum and my Dad, his Mum and Dad are their grandparents and their partners are all going to be called by their name to stop fighting (my Dad doesn't want my Mums partner to be called grandad either) and just silly little things. My sister hasn't
personally asked her to play a part in the childs life and she wants to be asked, my sister assumed because she's our step mum and dads wife that she doesn't need to be asked. She also wants us to call her every week to see how she is but she won't call and speak to us, she hasn't even been to any of our houses when invited.

I'm genuinely so upset, I love my Dad to pieces and we all want her to be part of the family. It's hit a head because my sister is not far from giving birth and I'm so worried about her, she's stressed by this and I'm worried it's going to stress her and the baby out.

I've tried talking to her, tell her we all like her and she is family. It's not worked, we've all tried but right now my Dad is saying he won't see any of us or the baby and I'm not sure what to do now.

I've told my Dad I will always be there for him, I love him and we all want to sort this. My sister doesn't know that my Dad doesn't want to be in the grandchilds life, she just thinks my step mum doesn't like her.

It's obviously going to come out at some point - do I try and tell her gently now or do I wait until she's given birth and my Dad just refuses to see his grandchild. He's told me to pass the message on to her, which is why I've posted this.

OP posts:
Solongtoshort · 15/05/2022 21:35

Has your step mother got children?. She is being childish, sorry no help at all.

Poor you and your siblings, tell your Dad your hurt and he should pass the message on himself.

Also might your mum have a word with him, to tell him he is being silly.

TheCatterall · 15/05/2022 21:36

What an absolute dickhead your dad is being in not even attempting to mediate between you all and then expecting you to be the bearer of bad news.

honestly I feel any grandchildren- and his children are better away from such a toxic entitled couple.

she’s going to find out and only you know how she will take it. Has she a supportive partner and others?

id explain the situation and explain that you feel to protect her and the baby she should go no contact with pops for now until things have settled.

but honestly your dad is showing his colours here. To me this would be a line drawn that he would have to make the effort to come back from.

your step mum may be the issue. But your dad is allowing this situation.

massive hugs. Please help your sister set some protective boundaries around her and the baby - and you to protect you all from the crazy demands and outrage being thrown at you all.

good luck!

Original poster
AnonAuntie · 15/05/2022 21:43

Solongtoshort · 15/05/2022 21:35

Has your step mother got children?. She is being childish, sorry no help at all.

Poor you and your siblings, tell your Dad your hurt and he should pass the message on himself.

Also might your mum have a word with him, to tell him he is being silly.

Thank you for your message. She has got 4 children and 5 grandchildren, we all get on very well. I've tried talking to them and they say that their Mum is just sensitive.

I would get my Mum to do that but honestly any mention of my Mum and she hits the roof so I'm not sure that's a good idea

OP posts:
Original poster
AnonAuntie · 15/05/2022 21:47

TheCatterall · 15/05/2022 21:36

What an absolute dickhead your dad is being in not even attempting to mediate between you all and then expecting you to be the bearer of bad news.

honestly I feel any grandchildren- and his children are better away from such a toxic entitled couple.

she’s going to find out and only you know how she will take it. Has she a supportive partner and others?

id explain the situation and explain that you feel to protect her and the baby she should go no contact with pops for now until things have settled.

but honestly your dad is showing his colours here. To me this would be a line drawn that he would have to make the effort to come back from.

your step mum may be the issue. But your dad is allowing this situation.

massive hugs. Please help your sister set some protective boundaries around her and the baby - and you to protect you all from the crazy demands and outrage being thrown at you all.

good luck!

Thank you. She's got such a supportive partner, honestly he'd do anything for her. She's also got me and my brother, her partners family and also my Mum and her partner. We'll all support her through anything.

My sister and my Dad have always been so close so it'll hit her hard, it's always been a 'joke' between everyone that it's obvious that my sister is his favourite child and she's a replica of him.

I think you're right about telling her gently and maybe just to concentrate on her and her family right now. My Mum had family issues when she was pregnant with me and she said she was so stressed it ruined her whole birth and bonding with me and I don't want that to happen.

I do agree with what you've said about my Dad, it's just so hard because it is my Dad and we've always been close

OP posts:
cameocat · 15/05/2022 21:48

She sounds utterly awful and I think really this is on your dad. How sad he's chosen her but I think for now you have to respect his wishes.

LightDrizzle · 15/05/2022 21:52

Your dad is a cunt.
He doesn’t have to go along with this nonsense but he’s decided it’s not worth the hassle; as in you three adult children and his future grandchild aren’t worth the hassle of his wife giving him a bit of grief.
She’s ridiculous and unpleasant but it’s your dad I’d be upset with.

You’ve said you’ll always be there for him, that’s lovely, particularly as he’d just told you he won’t be there for you.

I hope your mum has done better for herself with her current partner.

Bunnycat101 · 15/05/2022 21:54

Don’t do his dirty work for him. If he wants to cut the child out of his life then he needs to explain why. Do not pass that message on- make him grow up and do it himself

For what it’s worth, I think he is weak and pathetic for prioritising the whims of his new wife but that unfortunately doesn’t seem so unusual. One of my friends has been on the receipt of something similar and it has hurt her so much to see her dad just not being arsed with her or her children. He’s never met one of them purely because his new family became more important.

Original poster
AnonAuntie · 15/05/2022 21:57

@Bunnycat101 I'm so sorry your friend has gone through similar, I never thought this would happen. We're all adults, I thought we all got on and it really does hurt because we were such a close family.

OP posts:
Original poster
AnonAuntie · 15/05/2022 21:58

@LightDrizzlewhen you put it like that, I do look like a bit of a mug telling him there I'd always be there for him.

My Mum's partner is incredible, he's an amazing step Dad and I know he'd always be there for me.

OP posts:
Original poster
AnonAuntie · 15/05/2022 21:59

@cameocat - you're right, there's not really much else I can do

OP posts:
ScrumptiousBears · 15/05/2022 22:01

My dad chose his new wife over his children although I'm not really sure if new wife asked him to or if my dad decided to as we wouldn't accept her. We didn't accept her as she was the other woman so slightly different. I feel for you but I don't think there is anything else you can do. Your dad have found the path of least resistance.

lovingtheheat · 15/05/2022 22:03

Sounds like your stepmother doesn't actually like you or your siblings and is looking for reasons to justify not being in contact. In your position I wouldn't be able to forgive your dad.

cameocat · 15/05/2022 22:06

@AnonAuntie I am sorry as you clearly love your dad. It is really shit.

Bluetrews25 · 15/05/2022 22:21

I'd just keep quiet for now.
The baby's not even here yet, he may well want to see it after all, they both might, you never know. It would be awful to upset your sister for nothing.
Do you think she's done this to get attention? (It's worked! Look at you all running around after her and telling her you loooove her) Can she not bear it not being all about her?

Smartiepants79 · 15/05/2022 22:22

Your father is prepared to cut contact with all his children on the whim of a woman he has known for 3 years???? They sound like they deserve each other.
Do not pass on anymore messages, let him do his own dirty work. This is incredibly upsetting but I don’t think doing anymore chasing or grovelling is going to change this. Step back and let him come to his senses.

SparklyAntlers · 15/05/2022 22:22

Your stepmother is a narcissist and it sounds like you’re better off without her, but I’m sorry your Dad is going willingly. I have a very similar set up to the one your family is planning with regard to who is granny, grandad etc. My kids call my step dad by his first name and it’s all fine, kids just go with the flow. They have a really strong relationship with him - closer than to my own dad - and calling him by his name has never stopped that.

I was hurt when my dad put off seeing my first child because I wanted it to be just him and not his partner - I was figuring out breastfeeding, it was week one and I didn’t know her very well. He had a little strop over it but it wasn’t forever and I’m used to them. I think somebody needs to explain the hierarchy of needs to your dad - who
comes first and who gets to have their hissy fits. Your sister is in a vulnerable state and her needs, and those of the baby, come first. Even if he is cutting contact he needs to manage it very carefully.

I can cope with my dad being AWOL because I had all my heartache before kids came along, I feel very sorry for your sister than this is happening at such a momentous time.

Unsure33 · 15/05/2022 22:25

How awful . Makes your dad sound quite weak .

definitely don’t do his dirty work for him .I would say nothing to your sister . And tell your dad that you all love him and you are finding this situation unbearable. But it’s his decision and he should tell your sister himself .

candlesandpitchforks · 15/05/2022 22:32

What on earth have I just read.

I'm a SM and I'm gonna say it your SM sounds nuts. The only thing I can think of is have any of your other siblings said anything or done anything that might be looked at as hostile ?

Tbh I wouldn't tell her until after birth, and your dads a ass 🎩 and im sorry ! 💐

Wnikat · 15/05/2022 22:37

Don’t pass on the message. Don’t indulge the drama.

Branleuse · 15/05/2022 22:39

You need to tell your dad straight that this is not ok for him to do that to his kids and grandchildren for the sake of a woman! That youre devastated and angry. That he needs to man the fuck up. Youre his daughter.
Stop pussyfooting around with it.
Also confront her. She needs to work on her jealousy issues, as what shes demanding is outrageous. That shes seeing threat and offence when none was there. Its crazy

Bunty55 · 15/05/2022 22:41

I do not understand how people get so entitled. Life is too short for all this shite.

I met my partner when he had been living alone for years. His marriage breakdown was nothing to do with me at all and they eventually divorced.

I have always been nice to his daughter and included her in our lives as much as was possible. She knows I am nothing to do with the marriage ending, and she has holidayed with us and we have socialised together at family events. We have done so much to help her - more than my own children really. Never a word of thanks for anything.....

She was friendly but cool with me. That was fine. Now she has nothing to do with me at all and it causes problems with family with me being excluded from things.
Why ? I have no idea, but she obviously has a reason for being like this and I can't be bothered with any of it now. I did get upset but not any more.
Like I already said - life is too short.

Overthewine · 15/05/2022 22:41

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Mellowyellow222 · 15/05/2022 22:42

Is this behaviour out of character for your step mother? How longer have you known her.

It’s heartbreaking that your dad would chose her when she is so obviously in the wrong.

her daughter didn’t sound shocked - I hate to do the mumsnet dementia diagnosis but if it wasn’t for the daughter’s reaction I would think there was something medical here. This woman sounds unhinged!

I wonder does her ex-husbands new partner get called granny by her grandkids? What do her grandkids call your dad?

whynotwhatknot · 15/05/2022 22:45

So really no valid rasons for her to say you dont like her yet your dads going along with it-

hes the one you should have a problem with

giving up his dc and gdc for someone who sounds controlling and only known for 3 years

tell himt o do his own dirty work

LightDrizzle · 15/05/2022 22:49

@AnonAuntie - apologies, reading it back it was sharp and unkind to call your dad a cunt. It just made me so cross and no doubt parallels in my own family played a part.

I’m so pleased your step dad is lovely.