How do I protect my pregnant sister from this?

[AnonAuntie]

I've name changed because I think this is identifiable and I don't want previous posts to come back to me, so not a first time poster.

My Dad is married to my step mum who he has been with for three years (married for two). My siblings (1 brother and 1 sister) and I are late 30's early 40's and my sister is 7 1/2 months pregnant with her first child.

My step mum is causing problems and I don't understand why. She says none of us like her, she doesn't feel part of the family and she wants nothing to do with us and for my Dad to choose between her and us, which he's told me and he says she's his wife so he will pick her.

When I ask her why she doesn't feel part of the family it's because the first year she was going out she didn't get a birthday card from any of us (we didn't even know they were going out), she wants to be called the childs grandmother even though my sister and her partner have decided that my Mum and my Dad, his Mum and Dad are their grandparents and their partners are all going to be called by their name to stop fighting (my Dad doesn't want my Mums partner to be called grandad either) and just silly little things. My sister hasn't
personally asked her to play a part in the childs life and she wants to be asked, my sister assumed because she's our step mum and dads wife that she doesn't need to be asked. She also wants us to call her every week to see how she is but she won't call and speak to us, she hasn't even been to any of our houses when invited.

I'm genuinely so upset, I love my Dad to pieces and we all want her to be part of the family. It's hit a head because my sister is not far from giving birth and I'm so worried about her, she's stressed by this and I'm worried it's going to stress her and the baby out.

I've tried talking to her, tell her we all like her and she is family. It's not worked, we've all tried but right now my Dad is saying he won't see any of us or the baby and I'm not sure what to do now.

I've told my Dad I will always be there for him, I love him and we all want to sort this. My sister doesn't know that my Dad doesn't want to be in the grandchilds life, she just thinks my step mum doesn't like her.

It's obviously going to come out at some point - do I try and tell her gently now or do I wait until she's given birth and my Dad just refuses to see his grandchild. He's told me to pass the message on to her, which is why I've posted this.

Stay out of it; it's between your sister and your dad if he's going to be such a spineless, useless, cowardly excuse for a DF. (I'm sorry about that bit, btw.) She is no doubt a strong and capable woman; she won't want you trying to protect her. He can explain himself to her, or not.

Stop catering to him and his batshit wife either way. If she won't play with you unless you kowtow appropriately, say OK, sorry to hear that, and go your way. She'll be back in touch in short order anyway, hungry for attention.

sensitive my arse -sorry forgot that

shes a manipulative cow

My piece of shit fil did this after my dc were born. He came up with all sorts of stupid excuses as to why it was his children's fault that he was cutting them out. Because of his then girlfriend, now wife, but it boils down to the fact that he put her above his own children and didn't give one tiny crap about the trauma he put them through, especially my sil. (Sorry, can you tell I'm still angry?) Your dad has made his choice, you don't have to support it or tell him you'll always be there for him. If he's cutting out your sister, his favourite, he will absolutely do the same to you.

Let him go, the cowardly fucker. Leave him to be with his precious wife, the rest of you rally round your sister and the baby. He's made his choice.

It's better your sister knows that her Dad isn't the loving Father she thought he was.

He's really revealed his lack of loyalty and utter disinterest in his children and grandchildren.

Leave him and his wife to it op. He's been very clear about what he wants.

I'm so sorry though, it must really bloody hurt

Remember though, not to be there as he ages and quite fancies having his dutiful daughters and grandchild visit him.

He has made his bed, time to lie in it.

This. You may well find that when the beautiful baby arrives he will be desperate to see him / her and all this other stuff disappears.
As far as granny%grandad titles go. In my experience of step grandparents/ blended family stuff, the small child will call them whatever they see them as. If your stepmother spends a lot if time with the baby a title will evolve. The same will happen with your mother's new partner. It may become a version of granny/grandad , it may be something that is special just to them. The situation is as it is at the moment. Support your sister, enjoy the build up to the birth and nod and smile and 'grey rock' the rest of the drama. It will all pass.

You mentioned your ADF didn't want your mum's new partner to be grandad, might need to remind your dad is if he willingly leaves his daughters life now that's what this other chap will become to the child. If he's happy with that, it's a decision he can only make once 🤷

I know someone who is in a very similar situation.

All I know is it's an impossible situation. She will find new and inventive ways and things to be offended by. Whatever you or your siblings do, it will never be enough. It's always about her, not anyone else, or even your relationships with her, just her. Its isn't anyone's fault in reality apart from hers. She plays a game where the rules change constantly and only she knows them. I mean a formal phone call to family to ask them to be involved in an unborn babys life that they are clearly going to be involved with anyway? Honestly it's difficult to accept but cutting ties will end years of anguish and heartache and its probably healthier for children not to have to be around that.

As a last ditch attempt you could maybe write to your dad when the baby is there with pictures saying you want them both to be part of the childs life but you respect his wifes decision if she doesnt want that, you're sorry for any offence caused and ask him if it really has to be one or the other, could he not see a way you can see each other etc etc...but this will not be the last time this happens, it feels like delaying the inevitable.

The person I know that's in a similar position spends a lot of time apologising for nothing, a lot of time trying to find out wtf they've supposed to have done to get the silent treatment, spends a lot of effort visiting and then has the emotional fall out for weeks after a visit after having all their perceived offences (which are so petty its unbelievable, something as simple as bringing wine over as a present, when they should apparently know that their parent likes wine slightly more than their step parent, means they were deliberately trying to leave step parent out and should have bought separate chocolates because the step parent prefers them and that would show respect etc). Their kids are witnessing this dynamic and seeing their parents in tears after every visit to grandparents. No contact would be better for everyone

Leave them to it, don’t bother contacting them anymore. And let the spineless git tell his own daughter, that’s not your responsibility!

Just concentrate on supporting your sister, and live your lives without trying to please other people who don’t deserve your consideration. And she should definitely let your step-dad be called ‘grandad’, it sounds like he’s much more deserving of the title.

If your step Mum truly loved your Dad she would never ask him to make that choice, and the fact that he has actually made it and is prepared to cut out his children and grandchildren says an awful lot.

I'm afraid I'd have to go NC with him after that. It's incredibly childish, hurtful and unforgiveable. I can't believe he actually asked you to tell your sister he didn't want anything to do with her or her unborn child. It's just callous & cruel.

Its sounds like your step mum is very dramatic, had her knickers in a twist and struggles to realise different families are together in different ways for eg: my BFF calls her DM each day, me : about once a month ?
you need to stop apologising: youve all reiterated theres no issue , and let her get on with it

your DAD, however needs a swift kick up the arse

whats this nonsense? No one's actually said or done anything in particular and he's telling yous he's stopping talking to yous? Id be cut to the quick, if my DF had even threatened this?

they both have upset everyone, and making your poor sister ill and telling her he wont see her child? That to me, is unforgivable behaviour. Does uour dad often manipulate you? Think back OP ... thats totally not on and not normal ...

I really really appreciate the messages, I've read every single one and I'm so sorry to hear that it's more common than I thought. I name changed because I thought it would be outing.

She text my sister tonight saying my Dad and her had split up and it's all my sisters fault. She then called my Dad who said that's not true he doesn't believe his wife would say that and my sisters lying.

I've spent the evening on the phone to my sister who was in tears thinking she'd broken them up. The whole stupid thing is we were made up when they got together, he'd spent a decade alone and was very lonely and happy for him.

Anyway, my sister has me and the rest of the family who will support her, this baby is a very wanted miracle baby which her and her husband have waited a very long time for. I'm going to step back, concentrate on my family and helping my sister and just ignore the drama.

A lot of these messages have made me think more clearly and I really do appreciate it!

I'm guessing this woman has issues. But they're not your or your sister's issues, so let her run on, as my mother would say. If your dad enables her, then so be it. Downgrade them to "father" and "father's wife".

Your step-mother, in the very first days of her relationship with your father, will have decided on a deliberate course of action to exclude you and your siblings from your father’s life. The situation you all find yourselves in now is the result of careful and dedicated manipulation on her part. She is a dangerous woman, and my advice would be under no circumstances allow her into your lives or those of the grandchildren. She will feel an intense animosity towards the children and is capable of doing them harm.

Your father has shown himself to be an absolute prick. What is interesting in your OP is that you don’t express any particular astonishment that he has made the announcement that he’ll cheerfully never see any of you ever again just to keep his new wife happy. This suggests that despite your love for him, your father may well have behaved badly throughout your life, but on a lower level, and perhaps in ways which you may not have noticed; it was just “normal” behaviour to you as it was your dad being dad. Your father’s behaviour here is utterly, utterly appalling, and if I were you, I’d tell him to shut the door on his way out.

Your DSis must think very carefully about whether she allows your father to establish any relationship with her DC, if (when) he comes crawling back. I have personal experience of having to sit a child down to explain to them that their beloved grandfather will not be seeing them again because they have chosen a wife over them. It is heartbreaking.

Best of luck to you and your siblings.

Sorry this is happening as it’s very destructive to all. I’d feel so let down by DF & very resentful toward SM who sounds high maintenance & a nightmare. Don’t tell your sister, your Dad is responsible for his relationship with her. Don’t let him carry out his dirty work. Horrible behaviour to threaten contact like that if they don’t comply with his & SM’s wishes. Carry on like that & they’ll alienate the whole family. They may find that they can’t bear the reality of not being involved & will seek ways of getting back in. Or cause more drama. Remember you’re not responsible for how hurt your sister will feel as it’s not your job to fix even though you clearly love & care about her v much. Has your DH always been manipulative & you’ve never realised until now or is this very out of character? Is he being an enabler of his wife who’s clearly pretty dysfunctional? In which case he’s made his bed. I’d keep them at arms length & carry on with the ones you know you can count on. Tough OP.

Not DH - DF!!

Crossed post

Your SM will be probably doing this to manipulate him into changing his will as well - she sounds really really toxic.

your dad is being an enabler - she's not your step mum she's your dad's wife and she shouldn't expect to be treated as a mum by all of you - why would you ring her once a week. It sounds like she has been pandered to all her life and she expects it.
Intrigued by "my Dad doesn't want my Mums partner to be called grandad either)" -how long as your mum's partner been on the scene? I can understand not wnating to share teh same term but generally calling him grandpa etc should eb fine

Don't do your dad's dirty work for him and don't play into your SM's manipulations. TBH, if I were you I wouldn't contact either of them again. Don't feed the drama. Let them, especially him, stew in their own juices for awhile.

Right now just circle the wagons round your sister and give her all the love and support needed to keep her and baby safe and calm.

Perhaps, if it feels right to you, speak to her partner privately and explain to him what's going on. He may be best placed to decide whether or not DSis should be told what your dad said. At the very least, he'll be forewarned.

Unfortunately, this is something I've seen before.
This might be a case of simple greed rather than personality disorder type stuff. Is there an age gap between them?
It's something to consider.

It's so disappointing, I'd be shattered my dad would be so weak and easily led, whatever the ultimate reason behind it.

But because of your sister's circumstances, you should try and keep things as calm as possible in front of her and not create drama. I think there might be something to a pp's observation upthread that maybe he has always been low level disloyal/self centred so you're on some level used to this, not as utterly shocked as some one be

Tell your DSIS to get her DP to answer any calls from your DF and his DW. Stop talking to your DSIS about them. She needs to focus on being less stressed and getting ready for the baby. Your DF and his DW can have their drama on their own. You don't need to indulge any of it.

Do you think your stepmother could be abusing your dad? Isolating someone from their family is a classic sign of abuse.

Your step-mother played no role in raising you and has been a part of your lives for a very short time. You don’t owe her much more than to be gracious and welcoming at family gatherings. She doesn’t need to be considered a grandparent if that isn’t how your sister feels.

your father is making a very poor choice here. He should be handling this better, especially since there are already grandparents in place. For starters, he could have asked your sister if a special nickname could be chosen for the step-grandmother instead of issuing a demand that she be bestowed the grandparent title.

Both of them could also step back and realize that sometimes children make the decisions about these things. No one ever used the term grandpa for my my step-grandfather. In fact we were explicitly forbidden by him from ever calling him that because he worried that it would upset our grandfather and that our grandfather would penalize us in his will. He wasn’t even married to our grandmother and lived across the street from her. We all knew he was our grandfather though. He earned the role.