How do I protect my pregnant sister from this?

[AnonAuntie]

I've name changed because I think this is identifiable and I don't want previous posts to come back to me, so not a first time poster.

My Dad is married to my step mum who he has been with for three years (married for two). My siblings (1 brother and 1 sister) and I are late 30's early 40's and my sister is 7 1/2 months pregnant with her first child.

My step mum is causing problems and I don't understand why. She says none of us like her, she doesn't feel part of the family and she wants nothing to do with us and for my Dad to choose between her and us, which he's told me and he says she's his wife so he will pick her.

When I ask her why she doesn't feel part of the family it's because the first year she was going out she didn't get a birthday card from any of us (we didn't even know they were going out), she wants to be called the childs grandmother even though my sister and her partner have decided that my Mum and my Dad, his Mum and Dad are their grandparents and their partners are all going to be called by their name to stop fighting (my Dad doesn't want my Mums partner to be called grandad either) and just silly little things. My sister hasn't
personally asked her to play a part in the childs life and she wants to be asked, my sister assumed because she's our step mum and dads wife that she doesn't need to be asked. She also wants us to call her every week to see how she is but she won't call and speak to us, she hasn't even been to any of our houses when invited.

I'm genuinely so upset, I love my Dad to pieces and we all want her to be part of the family. It's hit a head because my sister is not far from giving birth and I'm so worried about her, she's stressed by this and I'm worried it's going to stress her and the baby out.

I've tried talking to her, tell her we all like her and she is family. It's not worked, we've all tried but right now my Dad is saying he won't see any of us or the baby and I'm not sure what to do now.

I've told my Dad I will always be there for him, I love him and we all want to sort this. My sister doesn't know that my Dad doesn't want to be in the grandchilds life, she just thinks my step mum doesn't like her.

It's obviously going to come out at some point - do I try and tell her gently now or do I wait until she's given birth and my Dad just refuses to see his grandchild. He's told me to pass the message on to her, which is why I've posted this.

Sorry but she sounds a bit crazy! My dp is not my kids stepdad and likewise I will never be his DD's stepmom because they have parents, we use first names and when/if grandkids arrive they will be given the first name to use too, so much simpler

Your father is an absolute arsehole, and you should tell him so. It's unbelievable the way he is behaving.

Ugh your father and his wife deserve each other. Your fathers wife (hardly your “stepmother” ) has been in your family for just THREE years yet your father is prepared to abandon his own CHILDREN?

why are some men such weak fuckwits?

commiserations @AnonAuntie it’s great that your sister has you in her corner.

I‘d be inclined to silently minimise contact with my father and his wife in this situation - he can reap what he sows.

Your dad needs to get a grip and help repair the relationship between his wife and children. He is facilitating all of this drama and putting it ahead of his children

this woman sounds childish. To give her the benefit of the doubt there’s something else going on that you may not have realised so you may try talking to her again calmly and ask how she’d like this to be fixed. If it’s a phone call once a week to her, then maybe that’s worth it to keep the peace and so she feels respected and part of the family.

your sister is possibly hormonal so I mean this in the kindest possible way, but she also needs to get a grip. A grown adult in their 30s or 40s should not be spending the evening crying because she’s apparently broken up a relationship. She cannot break up a relationship she is not in. That’s up to your dad and his wife. I don’t know why she’s so keen to take on so much responsibility for that. Just because someone says it’s her problem, doesn’t make it so.

maybe you all just need to back off from it for a while, let your sister relax and your dad come to his senses.

I would flat-out refuse to play her silly "pick a side" game.

Tell them that they're both welcome at any and all family events, always have been and always will be. Say that you are not sure why she's decided you and your sister don't like her but it's not true. You do find the way she's behaving puzzling but you would never want to divide the family so you want to be clear that they're both welcome and appreciated.

Then act as normal. Call, message or pop by just as normal. Invite them to celebrations of the baby or the rest of the family and follow up for an RSVP if they doesn't reply. Send her messages on her birthday and include her in group chats with your dad. Absolutely refuse to accept her attempt to break up your family.

Take the high road. It will soon become obvious to your dad who the real problem is.

Charming dad you have there, picking a woman over his children and accusing one of them of lying. Maybe you should all leave him to it. After all, he has shown where his loyalty is: not with you

He’s a cunt, and she’s a bitch. I would tell them both to go fuck themselves and I would never speak to him again, even if he dumped the bitch. He’s made his choice.

My Dad is married to my step mum who he has been with for three years (married for two).

When I ask her why she doesn't feel part of the family it's because the first year she was going out she didn't get a birthday card from any of us (we didn't even know they were going out)

She text my sister tonight saying my Dad and her had split up and it's all my sisters fault. She then called my Dad who said that's not true he doesn't believe his wife would say that and my sisters lying.

Re-reading your thread, there is some strange stuff in it.

If they were dating for a year before getting married, and you didn't even know they were together, did your dad just announce one day that he was getting married to a stranger or had you met her and just thought they were friends? Are you sure they were actually dating all that time? If you and your Dad have always been close, was it not super-weird that suddenly he was getting married?

What I'm getting at is that your dad seems to absolutely have blinders on as far as she's concerned. Maybe he's been intensely love-bombed and she's really gotten inside his head and is manipulating him. Did your sister forward the text message she sent? What did your dad say about the lying after that?

your dad is a horrible man. he chooses his wife over his own blood even when shes the one in the wrong. sorry id be very hurt but also wouldnt really want anything to do with him either

Your Dad and his wife are idiots. This game of “Pick Me” that the wife is playing shouldn’t be entertained by anyone.She needs to be told in no uncertain terms that her attention-seeking is not acceptable and that she needs to pull her head in. (Obviously jealous of pregnant sister and baby.)

Not sure whether your DFs wife is much younger than him (maybe wants her own DC?) but she's clearly jealous of your sister and her baby, feels a bit sidelined maybe (if her DH has been rightly excited about a new grandchild), and seems to be doing her best to split up your family. I'm not sure why she would expect weekly calls from you unless you spoke to DF weekly anyway - ask him pass over the phone to her!
Dont pass on your DFs message to your sister as she needs to focus on herself and her new baby. Take the high ground and continue to invite them to family stuff and if they refuse to attend its all on them. You may find that when the baby comes alonv they may change their mind. If not, they're the ones who will be missing out.

”It's obviously going to come out at some point - do I try and tell her gently now or do I wait until she's given birth and my Dad just refuses to see his grandchild. He's told me to pass the message on to her, which is why I've posted this.”

It’s so much easier to see clearly from the outside, but the correct response to your dad saying this would be “Tell her yourself. If you want to be a cunt, go ahead, but don’t expect me to do your dirty work.”

Is he well off? Is the new spouse trying to get rid of you all so she inherits? I can imagine my ex falling for this kind of bullshit. I would never in a million years go along with someone who asked me to choose between them and my children, even if my children were as old as you. Obviously with a new relationship, there are times to prioritize your spouse, but trying to cut you is red-flag central. Sorry your dad is going along with it.

I think your sister should block your dad and the wife for now. Stress can bring on premature labour.

My dc don't miss their "granddad". They have plenty of other people who love them. They wouldn't know who he was if they bumped into him in the street and i can't see that changing because he's utterly destroyed any chance of any relationship. I expect if his wife were to die tomorrow he would come crawling back. Don't expect things to change once the baby is born. We thought it would when mine was born but he used the fact the baby wasn't named after him as a further excuse to pull away and didn't meet the baby for 6 months. He's seen them two or three times in their life and they're 6 now.

I've tried talking to them and they say that their Mum is just sensitive

Not true, their mother is a manipulative cunt and your father an utter, utter fool.

My FIL chose his wife over his children and it turned into a disaster he massively regretted and couldn't go back from.
He died an angry and lonely man with the wife nowhere to be found. His kids wouldn't see him.
I hope he sees sense because life is very short and you often can't reverse the decisions you make.

Oh my! I can see why your mother left your father if he is behaving this way about one of his children who is pregnant.

He sounds like an arse and he is behaving like one too.

My advice would be for you, your sister and your brother to drop the rope. Have nothing to do with either your father or his wife. Do nothing. Don't reply to messages (because when you do, they are twisted to suit your father's wife). Don't instigate conversations. Just do nothing.

Put it this way. If they were toddlers and they were misbehaving, you wouldn't reward the misbehaving, you'd ignore it and cut it out and not allow it to continue. This is what you need to do here. Treat both father and father's wife as toddlers and ignore and don't rise to it.

If you want to, at some point in the future, resume conversations, do it directly and send to BOTH of them the very same message, so that there is no wiggle room for a message to be misinterpreted.

For the time being though, don't engage them at all.

This!!! Oh my goodness this!!!! 👆👆👆

To answer a few questions -

My step dad has been on the scene for 15 years so has been a massive part of our lives.

When they first started going out, I knew he was seeing someone but he'd had a few previous girlfriends so he was 'taking it slowly' so I didn't know her name or who she was. Then suddenly they got engaged and then married very soon after, we weren't invited to the wedding but neither were her children. It was just him, her and a couple of friends.

Yes he is well off, before they married he sold his house and they bought a new one together. She's always rented and went from being in an overdraft every month to a large house. I admired her because I privately rent and until very recently been in my overdraft each month.

A couple of weeks after they married she quit her job and hasn't worked since. He still works but is hoping to get early retirement soon so they can travel together.

To another poster - I think he may be being abused. He's had a girlfriend before when we were children who did the pick me dance and he chose his children and dumped her so it was a massive surprise but after the way things had been going I don't think I am actually that shocked.

She reads all his messages, he thinks it's important she has access to his phone because that way she can trust him. He will only take calls from me from the landline so I'm assuming she's in the house and I can't see him on my own.

Most of their relationship has been through covid so I've not met her that often. They were a bubble for her children/grandchildren because they do childcare so he got to know their children/grandchildren but because of lockdowns we didn't get to know her. We did zoom calls but she was never there, it was just him. We tried to organise times to visit when lockdowns eased but she didn't feel comfortable because of covid and us passing it to her grandchildren.

Your dad is being lazy, weak and selfish.

Ok, maybe a bit strong, sorry. It’s very possible he’s being emotionally abused.

Yes premature labour or something else is what I'm worried about, it's not been an easy pregnancy at all and there have been some times where it's looked like she may lose the baby.

I'm glad your DC don't miss their 'grandad'. I was so close to all of my grandparents, we were all such a close family until the last few years and the thought of my niece not being able to have the relationship like I had made me really sad but I guess you don't miss what you don't know.

Quite a few people have said this and I do think it's the correct response.

I can't have children and my brother doesn't want them so this is the first grandchild and I just wasn't sure how to handle it. I know how important this time is and especially when the baby is here so I wasn't sure whether to deal with it now.

You said your Dad works still? What I'd do is call this b*tch, mention what she said about her & your dad splitting up/ask why she said that (her response will prove she did in fact say this and she therefore lied to your father) and record the phone call!
Then put the recording onto a disc and post it to your dad at his work address

Sounds just like my df wife-shes always hanging around when hes on the phone to us i havent seen him alone in 15 years she has to be there

its very hard we were still grieving our dm when he just moved on to someone else and seems to put her before everyone else

I have had a similar experience to this. In a nutshell, after my Mum died, my Dad was very keen to meet someone else. He did a lot of dating and eventually got involved with a lady who was very keen on him, but obviously resented/was jealous of his friends and family. Unfortunately, this all coincided with my Sister having young children and me starting a family. My Dad let her get away with a lot and basically gave up on seeing us very often cause it was too difficult. Very hard to cope with, bearing in mind we had lost my Mum.

TBH there were some reasons for my Dad's partner's behavior. She didn't have children herself and there were other things that I found out years down the line.

Fast forward 15 years, Dad's partner developed dementia and had to go into a home cause there were safeguarding issues. My Dad is elderly and has had lots of health scares. He lives in sheltered accommodation near my Sister and comes to stay with me regularly. All very difficult, he has only managed to retain one friendship from the time before his relationship with his partner and he has no relationship with his Grandsons. We are doing our best for my Dad, but tbh I haven't fully forgiven him and don't think I'll ever be able to.

You need to protect yourselves. So hard, but try and focus on your immediate family and friends. Get some emotional distance from your Dad and go NC for a bit if necessary for your mental health. It hurts so much when they put their partner before their kids and grandkids, you really need to look after yourselves as much as you can.

Sorry you are going through this, sending virtual flowers.