How do I protect my pregnant sister from this?

[AnonAuntie]

I've name changed because I think this is identifiable and I don't want previous posts to come back to me, so not a first time poster.

My Dad is married to my step mum who he has been with for three years (married for two). My siblings (1 brother and 1 sister) and I are late 30's early 40's and my sister is 7 1/2 months pregnant with her first child.

My step mum is causing problems and I don't understand why. She says none of us like her, she doesn't feel part of the family and she wants nothing to do with us and for my Dad to choose between her and us, which he's told me and he says she's his wife so he will pick her.

When I ask her why she doesn't feel part of the family it's because the first year she was going out she didn't get a birthday card from any of us (we didn't even know they were going out), she wants to be called the childs grandmother even though my sister and her partner have decided that my Mum and my Dad, his Mum and Dad are their grandparents and their partners are all going to be called by their name to stop fighting (my Dad doesn't want my Mums partner to be called grandad either) and just silly little things. My sister hasn't
personally asked her to play a part in the childs life and she wants to be asked, my sister assumed because she's our step mum and dads wife that she doesn't need to be asked. She also wants us to call her every week to see how she is but she won't call and speak to us, she hasn't even been to any of our houses when invited.

I'm genuinely so upset, I love my Dad to pieces and we all want her to be part of the family. It's hit a head because my sister is not far from giving birth and I'm so worried about her, she's stressed by this and I'm worried it's going to stress her and the baby out.

I've tried talking to her, tell her we all like her and she is family. It's not worked, we've all tried but right now my Dad is saying he won't see any of us or the baby and I'm not sure what to do now.

I've told my Dad I will always be there for him, I love him and we all want to sort this. My sister doesn't know that my Dad doesn't want to be in the grandchilds life, she just thinks my step mum doesn't like her.

It's obviously going to come out at some point - do I try and tell her gently now or do I wait until she's given birth and my Dad just refuses to see his grandchild. He's told me to pass the message on to her, which is why I've posted this.

Yeah, she’s trying to get you all off the scene so she and her kids get everything he has.

The sad thing is, her manipulation is working. Your dad is choosing them over you.

I’d calmly tell him exactly how I perceived the situation, say I’d be here when he’s ready to accept what she’s doing, and with that ringing in his ears, I’d stop bothering with the stupid fool.

Your dad is the problem, unfortunately.

@Octopus37 I am so so sorry that you went through that, especially whilst also going through losing your Mum.

You mentioned your Dad only kept hold of one friendship from the time before that relationship and that made me think about something I hadn't before. My Dad used to have a really close group of friends who shared a hobby, he'd see them often, they'd go around each others houses and have BBQ's and a couple of times a year all go camping somewhere as a group. He doesn't see them anymore and he doesn't do his hobby anymore which he hasn't done since they got together.

I really do appreciate your words and I'm sorry you've gone through similar

If my Dad chose any woman over me and his GC he'd never hear from me again. I don't give a shit what the partner is like love for your kids is unconditional.

Some things I'd forgive but I could never ever forgive my Dad for such disloyal behaviour.

Oh goodness - how awful. She’s isolating him from any of his own & installing herself in their place. Could you write your dad a letter and send to his place of work? He’s probably too deep in it now. Was she manipulating from the start then by keeping it quiet? Do you think your dad is actually happy? I understand now why you said you’d always be there for him because if he is being abused then you’d want him to know he cld get out. I think I would but the danger is if she intercepted it…

Sorry to say, but it's a distinct possibility that this is her long term strategy to get you and your sister written out of your dad's will, so that she and then ultimately her children get everything.

If you think he's being abused than I think the advice from @CheekyHobson is the best course of action. The worst thing you could do is cut of contact with him.

I also would avoid labelling him as weak etc. (even in your own head). If this was your mother, instead of your father, I think she would have gotten more sympathy and understanding on this thread. It's easy to forget that men can be victims as well.

Though I'm obviously just another random on the internet, so you should get advice from the professionals: www.gov.uk/guidance/domestic-abuse-how-to-get-help

Good luck to your family, including your dad 🤗

She obviously feels threatened by the imminent birth of his first grandchild and has engineered this whole drama. Incredibly childish and selfish. If she thought you didn't like her before, what on earth does she think this behaviour is going to do!
I'd tell your DF to look your sister in the eye and tell her flat out that he wants nothing to do with her and the baby, that you are not going to do his dirty work for him. I'd also add that if that's really how he feels then none of you want anything to do with him. Maybe that might force him to grow a backbone and stand up to this horrible woman. If she doesn't want to see you all, that's her prerogative, but she can not stand in his way. Leave the 'door' open. I really hope he comes to his senses.

She sounds like a total drama queen. I’d tell your dad straight out that you are not prepared tolerate any more dramatics and games.

Sounds harsh, but the older you get, the less shit you stand for.

Honestly I think this is all mental. She's not your stepmum, she's your dad's wife. She's never had any sort of 'mothering' relationship with any of you, so while it would be nice to be in a grandmotherly position with your sister's baby, she has no right to it. It's disgusting how manipulative she's being, but I'm more disgusted at your dad who's allowing her to behave like that and worse, taking her side!

I say this as a person who's mother has been with her partner since my children were born - he has a grandfatherly role but isn't their grandad. He's not my stepdad, what a bizarre notion that would be that at 26 when my first child was born another adult came into my life that could treat me like their own child

Your sister needs to back off for the sake of her own mental health and I think you do too. I think you need to tell your dad he can cut his own nose off to spite his face if he wants, but you're not going to be the person that deals with this ridiculousness anymore. They are both behaving like petulant children.

I'd be telling your Dad to do his own dirty work. What an idiot he is.

i would point out that he has lost all his friends, his hobby, his privacy and now he’s going to lose his family too? What kind of a shell of a man is he? Let him know that you have no respect for his behaviour and he can grow a pair and call her himself.