Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

to have called my Dad out on this

88 replies

SidSparrow · 15/05/2022 07:47

We were at a funeral, and at the wake I had come back from the loo to overhear my Dad saying to his cousin about me in reference to looking after his grandchildren; 'she leaves them for 2 hours, then it turns into 6 hours, next thing they're staying the night'. There is absolutely no truth in this whatsoever, none. He was joking but I feel that it's the kind of 'joke' where people would suspect a bit of truth in it.

When I sat down I said that's not true but I didn't make a fuss. What he said bothered me, it doesn't paint me or my DH in a good light at all. The next day I messaged him, and said it had been bothering me, that it wasn't true and although I knew he was joking, his cousin wouldn't have known that. My messaage was to the point, straight forward. That was Wednesday, and I've heard nothing back. It had been organised for the children to visit them tomorrow for the best part of the day. But now I don't know what to do. It's not the first time I've been here with my Dad and frankly, I have zero time for his emotional immaturity. I've even been to counselling to help me deal with him and all his BS from over the years. But he loves his grandchildren and they love him and their Gran. But what do I do!!? All I needed was a simple 'sorry', and all I've got is the cold shoulder.

OP posts:

nearlyspringyay · 15/05/2022 07:49

Why would he say that if there isn't a grain of truth in it? Why are they meant to be having them for most of the day?

MichelleScarn · 15/05/2022 07:49

Is it just the children visiting tomorrow, so they are babysitting, or are you all going?

GoodVibesHere · 15/05/2022 07:51

Well he's probably not going to want to look after your DC 'for the best part of a day' now that you've given him a telling off!

MolliciousIntent · 15/05/2022 07:52

Tbh I think if he's giving you free childcare and you want that to continue, you should suck it up.

Original poster

SidSparrow · 15/05/2022 07:55

@nearlyspringyay I feel that my Dad is socially awkward. His manner with people is to take the p*ss, always joking, but sometimes it doesn't come across right and goes a bit far.

They are there most of the day because he asked to see the children, and the way our other arrangements, with transport and DH working we had all agreed 9-5. That's a one off, normally they'd be there for a morning. For sleepovers it's them who ask for them. I try not to put them out. What he said was not true in the slightest.

OP posts:

MichelleScarn · 15/05/2022 07:55

What did your 'calling him out' look like?
I hate that term, as the caller outer (?) Is usually doing it from a self-righteous, disapproving and lecturing stance.

Original poster

SidSparrow · 15/05/2022 07:59

@MichelleScarn Yes calling out isn't a great way to put it. What he said upset me. For years I would accept all his bad behaviour, his moods, his neglect, and say nothing. After counselling I decided that if he upset me I would not bottle it up but politely tell him.

OP posts:

DropYourSword · 15/05/2022 07:59

It might be a little more true than you're willing to admit to yourself?

Getoff · 15/05/2022 08:00

That was Wednesday, and I've heard nothing back.

It's not clear from you post why you should have heard anything back.

He presumably wouldn't have made the joke if he thought it was unreasonable. It seems unlikely that his perspective will change just because he's become aware that you are annoyed with him, so I'd guess he doesn't see any need for an apology.

Isitcake · 15/05/2022 08:00

What is called him out? Do you mean asked him about it?

It's fine to ask about it. If you want to know about the visit the phone him or the gran.

Really not sure a normal daily interaction requires council from Mumsnet before you can make a decision.

Original poster

SidSparrow · 15/05/2022 08:03

@DropYourSword Absolutely no truth in it whatsoever.

OP posts:

Heronwatcher · 15/05/2022 08:03

I think you need to stop sending your kids there TBH. He’s either sick to the back teeth of looking after them or there’s something else going on in the background if he thinks that it’s fine to make comments like this. Either way take him at his word and stop the babysitting.

Isitcake · 15/05/2022 08:03

They must live pretty close to you. Go round and discuss it. You can't possibly have had loads of councelling that has let you to believe a text message is an appropriate way to resolve anything.

rosesinmygarden · 15/05/2022 08:07

It sounds like he was making a joke to the cousin. A joke you weren't supposed to hear (as it paints you in a bad light). It's hard to know without knowing the context of their conversation.

He's now embarrassed you heard and are upset. Does he normally have a problem with apologising?

My father in law, brother, father, my mother and many of my relatives are like this. It's fine for other people to be the butt of their jokes and we aren't allowed to be annoyed or say anything. If we are upset It's our fault, not theirs.

If it were me, I'd cancel today, citing the reason that you wouldn't want to put him out as its clear he is unhappy about babysitting and feels you take advantage. He will protest but you need to remind him that he was complaining about having to look after the grandchildren. He will say it was a joke. You need to ask why it was funny and point out he has upset you.

Just my opinion. I've had to do this repeatedly to my mother and it does eventually seem to be sinking in. We now have a better relationship, more balanced.

Original poster

SidSparrow · 15/05/2022 08:07

@Isitcake We live half an hour away. I messaged him because any time I talk to him about something sensitive or something he wouldn't like, he gets incredibly defensive and angry. It's very awkward for everyone. And it's hard for me to approach him because of the way he was with me growing up. I feel that it's a skill I wasn't taught - to sit down and open up, because it was never done.

OP posts:

MissLucyEyelesbarrow · 15/05/2022 08:09

It would have been so much better to talk to your Dad about this face to face. As it is, he has received a message, telling him off (because, let's face it, that's what "calling out" means), even though he is doing you a huge favour. No wonder he's pissed off.

TidyDancer · 15/05/2022 08:09

I don't think I'd be taking the DCs today unless you hear from your parents first.

It sounds like a stupid thing for him to say (which he obviously must know was untrue) and he may be embarrassed he's been caught saying it.

If you depend on him a lot (not necessarily just for childcare), it may be that he's frustrated and expressing it badly.

DefiniteTortoise · 15/05/2022 08:09

My mother used to do things like this OP. She was socially awkward and used to make generic jokes at my expense in company about all the time I spent in dress shops, all the money she had to give me for parties etc. All completely false as I was very shy and body conscious and rarely went out. But these generic 'Ah, girls eh' comments gave her something to say, so she said them and everyone laughed. If I said to her later that they weren't true and made me look stupid she'd say that she only said them to make conversation. It was really frustrating and unpleasant.

It sounds like your dad's comment is similar (I.e. 'ah, these kids with their piss-taking childcare demands hey'). He'll also be reluctant to stop making jokes that make him look good and you look bad, won't he.

Chilledchablis1 · 15/05/2022 08:11

I think he loves his DGC but is feeling a bit put upon . How often does he look after them ? It seems a strange thing for him to say if there’s absolutely no truth in it.

MRex · 15/05/2022 08:13

I can understand why you would feel offended. It sounds like he's expanding on the point that they asked to see the kids for the morning and you said you wouldn't collect until 5pm. It's lying, and it's annoying, but that's where his grain of truth came from to spark what he thought of as a funny story. Presumably this isn't a one-off, so other times you might dictate the length of visit too? You don't need to say more here, but you should be ruthlessly honest with yourself on this point, that when they are offering a few hours you're actually taking a full day.

Personally I wouldn't send the kids over today, as either way it sounds like one or both of you are getting annoyed. Leave it until you've had chat and then wait for your DF to definitely ask to care for them, get specific times that he wants and then take that or decline entirely.

TheAverageUser · 15/05/2022 08:14

I think YABU, he was just joking. It sounds like you have a lot of other issues with him that are affecting how you feel.

I'd take it like a proud grandparent type joke, oooooh they're with us all the time. I wouldn't get cross.

Isitcake · 15/05/2022 08:14

Assuming the gran is your mum or step mum. Have you tried to contact her?

Sounds like you shouldn't have stopped councelling if you can even ask someone who looks after your children a simple question.

Are you happy sending your children to someone who you overheard say they don't want them? Is that a safe environment for them?

BeforeGodAndAllTheFish · 15/05/2022 08:15

Do you make the childcare care/visit plans with him? Or with your mum?

It sounds like maybe he is resentful of it. Could you mum be asking you for a sleepover with the kids but tell your dad it's a couple hours? And then only revealing it's an overnight once they're already there and too late to cancel it.

GarlicGnocchi · 15/05/2022 08:16

Stop letting them stay. If they don't want them there why would you send your kids there.

ZekeZeke · 15/05/2022 08:17

Sounds like your Dad is sick and tired of your kids being around.
Are arrangements normally made via your mum and he just goes along with it?
I would start (from today) to cut back on the amount of time your children visit/stay overnight/your parents babysit.
If anything is said, just be honest about the reason why.
If he says it was a joke, explain its not funny.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Swipe left for the next trending thread