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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to have called my Dad out on this

88 replies

SidSparrow · 15/05/2022 07:47

We were at a funeral, and at the wake I had come back from the loo to overhear my Dad saying to his cousin about me in reference to looking after his grandchildren; 'she leaves them for 2 hours, then it turns into 6 hours, next thing they're staying the night'. There is absolutely no truth in this whatsoever, none. He was joking but I feel that it's the kind of 'joke' where people would suspect a bit of truth in it.

When I sat down I said that's not true but I didn't make a fuss. What he said bothered me, it doesn't paint me or my DH in a good light at all. The next day I messaged him, and said it had been bothering me, that it wasn't true and although I knew he was joking, his cousin wouldn't have known that. My messaage was to the point, straight forward. That was Wednesday, and I've heard nothing back. It had been organised for the children to visit them tomorrow for the best part of the day. But now I don't know what to do. It's not the first time I've been here with my Dad and frankly, I have zero time for his emotional immaturity. I've even been to counselling to help me deal with him and all his BS from over the years. But he loves his grandchildren and they love him and their Gran. But what do I do!!? All I needed was a simple 'sorry', and all I've got is the cold shoulder.

OP posts:

Crucible · 15/05/2022 08:17

OP that sounds tough. I have relatives that do this, turn everything into them being the saviour/martyr to make you look shitty. I'd be doubly careful about arrangements (I'm sure you are already). And you can carry on a grandparent and grandchild relationship by visiting - that way you'll have more time to see the interaction between the two generations to observe if history is repeating itself with your Dad and your kids. Good luck.

LoveSpringDaffs · 15/05/2022 08:18

I wouldn't let the kids go today. I wouldn't message him either, I'd wait for him to ask where they were, then tell him that considering what he'd said & your message that they're at home with you as you obviously don't want to burden him with his grandchildren.

He said it to big himself up, at your expense. Let him miss them & apologise to you.

Original poster

SidSparrow · 15/05/2022 08:18

@DefiniteTortoise Yes, you're bang on. I know he didn't mean anything by it. I also find it insensitive - my own mother left me. So when it comes to bad parenting, abandonment jokes (if there is such a thing) I feel like he should know better. It's not the first time. He said to my DC when she was a baby as I was going out to the car to get something - your Mum is leaving you, she's never coming back. WTF!!

OP posts:

EL8888 · 15/05/2022 08:18

@MichelleScarn well, she wouldn’t have needed to call him out of his lies / exaggeration (depending on how charitable you’re feeling). If he hadn’t done

I to have a parent who likes re-write history, of course with her being the saviour or the super reasonable one. Which is very rarely the case in real life. It’s incredibly frustrating!

saveforthat · 15/05/2022 08:21

Calling out is such an awful phrase. See also weaponising which is popping up on threads all the time now. As you didn't hear all of the conversation I don't think you should have mentioned it. If there are other issues with your Dad, don't send your children or only do short visits with you/DH in attendance.

Tamzo85 · 15/05/2022 08:25

Just sounds like some dumb joke he made. Yeah it’s stupid but you’ve expressed that, so it should be over now.

Unless there is truth in it and you use them for childcare - then you need to suck it up.

grapewines · 15/05/2022 08:26

Did you post about him before? I'm sure I read something very similar not long ago.

Don't send them today. Sounds like he needs a break from having kids around.

Penguinsaregreat · 15/05/2022 08:26

I wouldn't be letting my kids go.
if they ask why make up an excuse, "Oh grandad has made other plans."
He sound a like a dick.
I don't know why some posters are struggling to understand that some men are twats, just look at the threads on here!

Tamzo85 · 15/05/2022 08:27

Also on the “your mothers never coming back” - really sounds like just a joke. Perhaps this was the same.
Perhaps your dad has more of a playful sense of humour than you and doesn’t take himself as seriously.

donchafeellikecrying · 15/05/2022 08:28

Honestly you sound a bit hard work. He was joking and you are aware that's his kind of personality. You should have just laughed it off with another joke

Original poster

SidSparrow · 15/05/2022 08:28

Childcare - because of my history with him and his wife (my step mum) I am careful with how much time they spend with my children.

The majority of the time it is them asking to babysit and for sleepovers. It is only recently I have agreed to sleepovers since I feel the children are old enough. In the beginning when I said no to sleepovers I would get crap for it, he'd make me feel guilty.

The day after DC1 was born he said to me quite sternly 'when will see DC1 again, she's our granchild you know and we want to see her'. Out of the blue. At the time I was near breaking down, trying to learn to breastfeed, all whoozy from the drugs from the birth, lack of sleep. I still think about it. Who does that!

I never state or demand, I am very considerate of their time.

OP posts:

AllyCatTown · 15/05/2022 08:29

I hate “jokes” like this. My mum made a joke to my in-laws about how she’ll be doing all the catering at the party I’m having. I suspect they think it will be true.

bagsforlife20 · 15/05/2022 08:30

I mean, although he loves his grandchildren he might be resentful of looking after them and the “jokes” could be his way of letting off some steam. I know he asks to see them, but maybe you should look into a childminder to get someone that remains professional at all times. He’s making jokes at your expense and will do it again

Minimalme · 15/05/2022 08:30

Is it possible that he was referring to the kids asking to stay, rather than you?

He's basically been caught showing off. The message he was giving is: "I am such as amazing Grandad".

My Mum used to do this all the time - it usually involves a put down for me and a huge self-congratulatory big up for herself.

However, she is also a liar so there was often not even a grain of truth there. I'm no contact now.

You Dad will be smarting because he was enjoying showing off and got rumbled. If he's generally a nice guy, I would try and make up.

Original poster

SidSparrow · 15/05/2022 08:31

@grapewines Yes I have 😣I just don't know where to go with it all!!

@donchafeellikecrying I probably get it from my Dad 😉

OP posts:

CaperCaper · 15/05/2022 08:31

Hi OP, what's difficult is that we on,y have a snapshot here and we don't know how the dynamic is, so we are all going to read into this based on our own experiences - which has led some posters to ask you to examine the situation to see if you perhaps are relying on your dad for childcare too much...

For what it's worth, I had similar with my dad. e.g. silly example from a very long list - he would come stay with me for a weekend then tell everyone back home that I had starved him as there was only inedible vegetarian food. Nothing could be further from the truth - I'm a very chilled vegetarian and a good host and would ensure that I had a ton of meat in to suit him, think full English, chops for dinner etc.

I guess there is a history of this kind of behaviour OP? How have you dealt with it before? I found the best way was to laugh a lot of it off. My family used to play bullshit bingo. Those who know you and him really well will see through his stories or you can just tell them. Other people - it sort of doesn't matter what he tells them if you're prepared to let it wash over you.

I'll just conclude by saying that my dad and I have a fairly cool relationship now - because of stuff like this I got fed up over the years and now I never rely on him or ask for any sort of favour. I don't see him a lot. It makes for a very distant relationship but I was fed up of the drama. I learnt not to give any fucks and it was liberating.

In your situation I wouldn't be having the kids over at his very much or at all in the next little while. It may be that he then feels the consequence of his actions. Depending on who he is though you may never shake the drama off, ultimately you need to find some way to deal with it or manage it or you'll need to back off in your connection to him.

The main think is, although he might play up, you can never lose your cool. Grey rock technique is your friend.

rookiemere · 15/05/2022 08:33

Yeah I'd be pulling way, way back.

It doesn't sound as if you get any particular benefits from these sleepovers and I think anyone would be upset if they overheard the remark that you did.

He sounds emotionally manipulative and that's not a great environment for the DCs to be spending loads of time in.

I'd not send them today but I would text to give him a heads up " Dad from what I overheard it seemed like you felt we were too reliant on you for childcare. I'd never want my DC to be a burden, so we're not coming today to give you some space."

RedHelenB · 15/05/2022 08:35

No mention at all of the children in all this. This terrible, angry father that you has blighted your life yet you're merrily waving your kids off to spend the day with him..And then you'll probably respond with but the kids love going there. In which case, why would you let this petty grievance stop them from visiting today? I think you've got some growing up to do tbh. It's a n exaggerated joke from a proud grandfather, that is how most neutrals would take it.

Original poster

SidSparrow · 15/05/2022 08:36

@Tamzo85 That's some playful sense of humour.

I appreciate dark humour, with my life I have too 😂 But there's a time and a place. I know for a fact that he was the butt of a joke, making him out to be sh*t he would go off his trolley. He can dish it out but he can't take it - I wouldn't dare attempt it.

OP posts:

Stompythedinosaur · 15/05/2022 08:41

It sounds like he'd like to have your dc less so if make other plans for that day.

I can't see how that comment is a joke tbh, but I do wonder whether your childcare arrangements seem different to him. I think you need an open conversation about whether he feels taken advantage of and to limit the childcare he is doing.

Porcupineintherough · 15/05/2022 08:41

What's the grandparent - grandchild relationship like? If it's good then you could decide to focus on that and accept that your relationship with him will never be great (not if he's deliberately unkind or underhand to you obviously but if this is about silly boasts and clumsy jokes).

dworky · 15/05/2022 08:42

DropYourSword · 15/05/2022 07:59

It might be a little more true than you're willing to admit to yourself?

But then he should be approaching her about it, not bitching behind her back to someone else.
I would be unimpressed with such behaviour & certainly confront him about it.

Original poster

SidSparrow · 15/05/2022 08:45

@CaperCaper Thank you - I have been gradually stepping back. It's hard because as much as they were crap with me, they are good grandparents. And for l want my children to have a good relationship with their grandparents. Also they are the only relatives where we are that can help out. In saying that I do keep a close eye due to my history with them, and if I thought for a second that the relationship was unhealthy it would be over. I don't care if I never get another baby sitter again. It's why I don't suck it up anymore, I feel I owe it to my children to be honest with my Dad so he will think twice with them. He needs to know that some things are unacceptable.

OP posts:

gettingolderandgrumpy · 15/05/2022 08:46

I used to have this sort of thing with my dad when my mum would help with childcare . If he was in a mood kick off and say get a childminder so the next day I took the day off to try and sort out care and my mum would say why and say it’s nothing to do with her that he kicks off and wanted to help with the dc . Honestly this would go round like this every now and then even when I did have alternative childcare. My dad is hugely sexist though and didn’t like me working . Speak to your mum about it and ask if the dc are there too much I suspect they may moan on occasion rather than speak to you about it .

DontPickTheFlowers · 15/05/2022 08:46

OP there is obviously far more to his comment given the history.

My DM does similar, she loves to tell long, highly decorated stories about my transgressions. She is a narcissist. She was also a truly crap parent, deep down she knows this so tells the stories to berate and divert the blame onto me. Could there be something similar going on here OP?

Your DF does sound like he has emotionally abusive tendencies tbh. Do you know why you DM left? Could he have driven her away?

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