to have called my Dad out on this

[SidSparrow]

We were at a funeral, and at the wake I had come back from the loo to overhear my Dad saying to his cousin about me in reference to looking after his grandchildren; 'she leaves them for 2 hours, then it turns into 6 hours, next thing they're staying the night'. There is absolutely no truth in this whatsoever, none. He was joking but I feel that it's the kind of 'joke' where people would suspect a bit of truth in it.

When I sat down I said that's not true but I didn't make a fuss. What he said bothered me, it doesn't paint me or my DH in a good light at all. The next day I messaged him, and said it had been bothering me, that it wasn't true and although I knew he was joking, his cousin wouldn't have known that. My messaage was to the point, straight forward. That was Wednesday, and I've heard nothing back. It had been organised for the children to visit them tomorrow for the best part of the day. But now I don't know what to do. It's not the first time I've been here with my Dad and frankly, I have zero time for his emotional immaturity. I've even been to counselling to help me deal with him and all his BS from over the years. But he loves his grandchildren and they love him and their Gran. But what do I do!!? All I needed was a simple 'sorry', and all I've got is the cold shoulder.

It’s clear a lot of posters haven’t dealt with toxic/narcissistic parents.

It’s completely likely what he says is a bald faced lie. Why? Because if he tells people how much he does for the grandchildren and how unreasonable OP is then family will think how wonderful he is.

The silence after being challenged is a very common response from narcissists. Keep the children home OP, it’s not worth the satisfaction he will get.

If he hasn't/doesn't reply to your message, & especially if he doesn't apologise, I think I'd be inclined not to let them go over until he does TBH. Especially if it's him that's asking to see them. If/when he asks why, reply that first it's 2 hours, then it's 6 hours, then the next thing they're staying overnight. Mirror it back at him and see if he realises. But you can find other childcare options that won't weaponise your relationship or the DCs against you, or work around it, hopefully.

If the DCs ask to see him, just tell them he's busy at the moment, be vague.

It sounds as if you are keeping him sweet so that he will look after the kids when you need?

The kids don't ever have to go when you don't want them to/stay longer than you want/stay overnight or even ever be there without you.

Totally agree.

The crux of it is your mother abandoned you and to have him making jokes insinuating that you effectively abandon your own children with him is cruel and insensitive. It’s the context that makes this not funny.

If he doesn’t reply don’t take the DCs, yes a conversation would have been better but how you deal with conflict with your father really depends on the dynamics of your relationship and his past reactions.

^ This.

@Heronwatcher is right.

And if it's true about him ASKING to see and spend time with the children, then you wouldn't be unreasonable to say, next time he asks for a visit, "Oh? Well at the funeral, you strongly implied to Cousin John that you see too much of them and I take advantage. What would you like me to do, moving forward?"

I suspect there probably is some truth in what he said, from his perspective at least, and it wouldn't do any harm to dial back the visits, at least for now.

Also, whose funeral? Someone he was close to/fond of? People are notorious for saying/doing weird stuff at funerals, when they're not in their best headspace.

It sounds like the two of you have a complicated relationship. Where is your mum in all this?

Did you miss the part in the OP's post where she said that she did actually say that's not true but she also didn't want to make a fuss at the wake, so she followed up with a text to her dad?

OP - I'd contact your Dad and SM, letting them know that you will not be requiring their generous offer of looking after the kids today. You wouldn't want it to be misinterpreted as being a drop-off childminding service which is the impression that your Dad was circulating at X's wake, so you've decided that you'll not be leaving the kids except when they ask to have them.

They have their way that you can leave the kids with them (they ask) and you have a way that they can look after your kids (they ask to see them). Should suit everyone.

Tbh you don't know the context. Perhaps the cousin had been complaining about looking after his DGCs and so your DF jokingly responded in kind.

But YWBU to 'call him out'. He was joking. You eavesdropped. And the fact is that he does look after your DCs for different periods of time. He's allowed to joke about it or talk about it. I don't doubt that you've had a difficult relationship with him but that doesn't mean everything he says is an attack.

OP
I understand completely why you are upset and very frustrated.
My dad is forever putting me down and criticises me constantly.
He is socially inept and hasn’t a bloody clue how to communicate in any way . He is useless at small talk so his default position is to make disparaging and unflattering comments about me as his conversation openers.
eg we recently met my cousin and he immediately launched into a story about how idiotic I was to get a parking ticket at 17 ….(I am now late 50s 🙄)

this sounds petty in itself and some posters may think why does that matter …. but a lifetime of put downs really does drain you and hurt …

that example is one of thousands … he simply can’t be nice to me … 🤷‍♀️
if I complain I’m told I’ve no sense of humour or I’m too sensitive.. ( not at all .. I have the hide of a rhino 🦏)

I can’t offer any advice .. but as he is elderly I have just decided to let it go and ignore …
I know deep down he does love me and doesn’t realise how damaging this behaviour is … falling out with a parent would be worse for me mentally so I just suck it up …

I do understand… take care of yourself x

Sometimes people can be chameleon-like in their interactions with others, to fit in. You said he might be socially awkward? Well this could be a manifestation of that.

The other person may have lightheartedly remarked on how
adult children are always wanting childcare for the dgc. Your Dad may have felt he couldn’t respond, po-faced, with ‘No, that’s not my experience at all’, so made a flippant comeback, not based on truth.

He’s probably embarrassed that you overheard, and doesn’t know how to explain why he said it. It may just have been him fibbing to conform to the trope of the weary, put-upon grandparent for the sake of easy conversation, rather than him actually feeling like that, or lying to put you in a bad light.

To paint a different picture on this - it sounds like the babysitting was originally a couple of hours, then it extended to longer periods and now it's sleepovers, as the GPs offered to do this.

So on the basis that OP only heard the tail end of the conversation, she has no reason to suspect that this is putting her in a bad light, and not just her GF saying how much he likes to spend time with his grandchildren.

As others have said OP needed to have a face to face conversation and not try to interact via message which is subject to the possiblility of more misinterpretation. I also have parents who get defensive and won't listen so I do appreciate this is difficult to do and they may not change or see her point of view. But, and this is quite a big but, OP has decided she is happy for her dad to have sole care of her children. If they can't manage sensible adult conversation, I would strongly suggest that she rethinks that. As much because the children will pick up on bad atmospheres as anything else.

‘It’s clear a lot of posters haven’t dealt with toxic/narcissistic parents’. ‘Narcissists’ has been so misused on this site as to be a completely hollowed-out term. Very many people will have difficult relationships with their family without there being a major personality disorder involved. Using cod psychology helps no one resolve tensions/ animosity or long running grudges with their families.

Stop sending the children to your parents and when they complain tell them it's clear he's not happy with the idea.