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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have called my Dad out on this

88 replies

SidSparrow · 15/05/2022 07:47

We were at a funeral, and at the wake I had come back from the loo to overhear my Dad saying to his cousin about me in reference to looking after his grandchildren; 'she leaves them for 2 hours, then it turns into 6 hours, next thing they're staying the night'. There is absolutely no truth in this whatsoever, none. He was joking but I feel that it's the kind of 'joke' where people would suspect a bit of truth in it.

When I sat down I said that's not true but I didn't make a fuss. What he said bothered me, it doesn't paint me or my DH in a good light at all. The next day I messaged him, and said it had been bothering me, that it wasn't true and although I knew he was joking, his cousin wouldn't have known that. My messaage was to the point, straight forward. That was Wednesday, and I've heard nothing back. It had been organised for the children to visit them tomorrow for the best part of the day. But now I don't know what to do. It's not the first time I've been here with my Dad and frankly, I have zero time for his emotional immaturity. I've even been to counselling to help me deal with him and all his BS from over the years. But he loves his grandchildren and they love him and their Gran. But what do I do!!? All I needed was a simple 'sorry', and all I've got is the cold shoulder.

OP posts:
MajorCarolDanvers · 15/05/2022 08:50

Why do people 'message' each other?

It's a shit form of communication that inevitably leads to greater misunderstanding.

Phone him or speak to him face to face. Have the guts to actually have the conversation and then you have a far better chance of both of you understanding each other.

Rosscameasdoody · 15/05/2022 08:50

I think before you ask your parents to babysit again, you need to clear the air, because if there really is no truth in what he said, then something else is going on. It may be that he resents babysitting for some reason, or thinks that you take advantage so has exaggerated for effect. Either way, you all need to be honest because if they’re unhappy about the amount of babysitting they do, you need to find an alternative.

FlyingMasticatedParticles · 15/05/2022 08:54

DontPickTheFlowers · 15/05/2022 08:46

OP there is obviously far more to his comment given the history.

My DM does similar, she loves to tell long, highly decorated stories about my transgressions. She is a narcissist. She was also a truly crap parent, deep down she knows this so tells the stories to berate and divert the blame onto me. Could there be something similar going on here OP?

Your DF does sound like he has emotionally abusive tendencies tbh. Do you know why you DM left? Could he have driven her away?

THIS

OP my dad is a narcissist and can be an emotionally abusive bully, and this is exactly the type of comment he would make about me in public where he thinks I wouldn't be able to defend myself. I was about to say I'm not sure why you're getting such odd replies but then realised where you posted 😬

CaperCaper · 15/05/2022 08:58

SidSparrow · 15/05/2022 08:45

@CaperCaper Thank you - I have been gradually stepping back. It's hard because as much as they were crap with me, they are good grandparents. And for l want my children to have a good relationship with their grandparents. Also they are the only relatives where we are that can help out. In saying that I do keep a close eye due to my history with them, and if I thought for a second that the relationship was unhealthy it would be over. I don't care if I never get another baby sitter again. It's why I don't suck it up anymore, I feel I owe it to my children to be honest with my Dad so he will think twice with them. He needs to know that some things are unacceptable.

Sounds like you're on the right track and as I suspected, there is so much more to this than the one comment about childcare. In your shoes I'd likely ensure there was solid but limited contact with the kids but reduce interactions yourself as much as you can.

Isaidnoalready · 15/05/2022 09:00

I hope you made other arrangements for today let him chase you for once

Original poster
SidSparrow · 15/05/2022 09:00

@FlyingMasticatedParticles Thank you!! Yeah, I can see where victim shaming comes from. I suppose on here people only get a glimpse and if you've not experienced that sort of behaviour from someone close then it's hard to imagine.

I do think he was using me to big himself up. After I messaged him all he had to do was explain what he said - maybe I missed something...? Or just a quick sorry. And if he feels that there is no need to reply then I feel that's even worse.

OP posts:
Sux2buthen · 15/05/2022 09:00

OP has posted about a situation she finds stressful and the phrase police can't stop banging on about her using the phrase 'calling out'.
People need to grow up, if you do not understand what OP means it might not be the thread for you.
OP your dad sounds like you love him but he's eye roll annoying. My dad is the same, I grit my teeth a lot then feel bad because he is not young so I end up annoyed then guilty!

DorchaAndLouis · 15/05/2022 09:01

Instead of "calling him out" (ie telling him off) by text you should have had a non confrontational, non calling out old fashioned face to face discussion.
Texts cause enough misunderstandings, even when people aren't being told off.

RosesAndHellebores · 15/05/2022 09:03

OP I've had similar with my mother and step. It is why I limited their influence on my children, who never wanted to voluntarily see them.post about age 12. Had I needed therapy, there is no way my DC would have had unsupervised time with them.

To be entirely fair I only realised mother was a narcissist due to MNet and that it wasn't my fault when dd who is far more sensitive than me, spelt out their behaviour aged 12 and asked me how on earth I put up with it.

FlyingMasticatedParticles · 15/05/2022 09:04

SidSparrow · 15/05/2022 09:00

@FlyingMasticatedParticles Thank you!! Yeah, I can see where victim shaming comes from. I suppose on here people only get a glimpse and if you've not experienced that sort of behaviour from someone close then it's hard to imagine.

I do think he was using me to big himself up. After I messaged him all he had to do was explain what he said - maybe I missed something...? Or just a quick sorry. And if he feels that there is no need to reply then I feel that's even worse.

AIBU is where the mean girls come to give someone a good kicking!

Hopefully you'll get some advice here or you could try the relationships board

IncompleteSenten · 15/05/2022 09:04

I'd take a break from them going there. Tell him that what he said has made you worry that he feels taken advantage of and it was humiliating to learn that's what he's telling people so you think it's best they don't stay with them to avoid him feeling that way.

MissLucyEyelesbarrow · 15/05/2022 09:06

Sux2buthen · 15/05/2022 09:00

OP has posted about a situation she finds stressful and the phrase police can't stop banging on about her using the phrase 'calling out'.
People need to grow up, if you do not understand what OP means it might not be the thread for you.
OP your dad sounds like you love him but he's eye roll annoying. My dad is the same, I grit my teeth a lot then feel bad because he is not young so I end up annoyed then guilty!

It's not the phrase, per se, it's the assumptions behind it. "Calling out" assumes that the person calling out is in the right, and is righteously pointing out the error of the other person's ways. That isn't how 90% of human interactions work: even when one person is mainly in the wrong, there is usually compromise needed on both sides. Calling out is also a really poor strategy, if you want to resolve a situation. The OP has already said her DF is highly defensive. How did she expect him to react to a text, telling him off?

lottiegarbanzo · 15/05/2022 09:07

If he said what he did in a jokey tone, not a deadly serious 'may I take you into my confidence and talk about this issue in my personal life' one, then I would understand what he said as a nice form of showing off; expressing his pride as an active, involved, reliable grandfather.

Unless it had a real resentful 'annoying little brats, what would I want to see them for?' tone about it.

He did it in an awkward way. Some people can't seem to make 'a joke' without making someone else the butt of it. That speaks of their immature inability to take ownership and responsibility for their own thoughts, feelings and actions.

I think you need to suggest going over and talking to them both together, as his comment made you aware that he seemed to see spending time with your DC as a burden. You don't want that to be the case, for anyone's sake - including the DC who will sense it (though don't say that, as he'll probably turn it around into a 'me and DC happy and united against you and your silliness' thing) - so you need to talk through how much time they're truly happy to spend with the DC.

growon · 15/05/2022 09:09

Your Dad disrespected you, publicly at that. Why would he do this if he actually cared? It sounds like you wouldn't dream of doing the same to him. You are a good person he is not.

I would wonder what else he says about you when you aren't around and especially infront of your children. It's a very slippery slope. Look how you are feeling, he did this to you. He could be moaning about your children aloud and they get hurt to. Don't give him fuel to slag you off. It sounds like he doesn't deserve you or your children. He should be protecting you all not attacking you. For your mental health walk away.

rookiemere · 15/05/2022 09:09

@IncompleteSenten has it right. I'd feel humiliated if I heard my DF talking like that. Jokes that come at the expense of other peoples feelings are mean and unnecessary. Take him at his word.

Onwards22 · 15/05/2022 09:15

It sounds as they you don’t realise just how much they babysit.

You say it’s definitely not true and then admit they are having them all day for you - I think you’re minimising how much time they spend with them.

Do they watch them whilst you’re at work?

I think they’re asking as they feel they should rather than they want to or your mums offering and your dads getting fed up with it as they’re finding it hard.

Do they mainly see the DCs when they look after them?
Maybe they feel the only way they can spend time with them is if they offer to babysit.

It’s good you’ve heard this.
From now on just invite then round to yours for Sunday roast or for a day out - so they can see their grandchildren but aren’t looking after them on their own.

Indigoo03 · 15/05/2022 09:19

Sounds like a long journey you both have to go on to resolve

FlyingMasticatedParticles · 15/05/2022 09:20

The psychic abilities on here are amazing

icelollycraving · 15/05/2022 09:25

Op- my dad told someone they look after my dc too much. I told him off as it’s untrue. The dc are due to go there for the whole day…
If you don’t like your dad’s behaviour, don’t leave your kids with them all day. You are now thinking of different things he’s said that are hurtful. I understand that, I do that. During a row I can dredge up comments made decades ago.

Oldraver · 15/05/2022 09:25

IncompleteSenten · 15/05/2022 09:04

I'd take a break from them going there. Tell him that what he said has made you worry that he feels taken advantage of and it was humiliating to learn that's what he's telling people so you think it's best they don't stay with them to avoid him feeling that way.

This absolutely. While I think he was making a joke at your expense there could be a little bit of truth in it. I would take him at his word and cool off on the babysitting

Summerholidayorcovidagain · 15/05/2022 09:27

Op take a moment to think about how rubbish your df makes you feel... Then try and figure out why you offer up your dc to him.

Having dgps isn't the be all and end all.
Keeping your dc from abusive people is your responsibility..
Sacrificing your dc to him unsupervised isn't appropriate imo.
You don't know for sure how he behaves as you aren't there...

Herewegoagain84 · 15/05/2022 09:29

I’m a bit confused why you leave your children with your DF if you have so many issues with him / things he does?

justfiveminutes · 15/05/2022 09:33

It sounds to me like he was bragging - about how much he babysits, the relationship he has with you and his gc, his role as gp.

As you only heard a little part of the conversation, you don't know the context or what he said beforehand. 'We love having the children. We make plans but always end up asking for more time. She says two hours, then it's six hours, next thing they're staying the night.'

I don't think a text telling him off and awaiting the apology you felt owed was the right approach, and I imagine he ignored it because the alternative was sending an honest reply and falling out.

Maybe he thought you could clear the air when you see each other today. Personally, I would have rang him after the event. Not assuming anything, just saying that you'd overheard and asking whether he'd like to have the dc less frequently or for shorter periods.

SkoolShoes · 15/05/2022 09:38

Could it be that your dad was (albeit very hurtfully to you) trying to show off - that you value/trust him as a grandfather? Rather than say "Yes, I love having them, and Sid trusts us to look after them" he did it is a really emotionally stupid way?

It is the kind of thing my dad would say. Rather than "I love you" it would be a "You turned out all right" Rather than "Thank you for having us for the weekend" it would be a "It wasn't as bad as I thought it could be." Rubbish - but not meant to be hurtful.

This doesn't excuse him apparently bad-mouthing you - but maybe does it explain why?

A580Hojas · 15/05/2022 09:39

I think you're quite right to not let that go OP.

Just because he's your father doesn't mean you have to put up with him telling lies about you.

Can't believe there are people on this thread telling you to suck it up!

If he feels he is having your children too much HE should speak to YOU about it, not bitch behind your back. Wanker.

Some of the replies on this thread are ridiculous.