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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not want the dog ex buys to live with me?

84 replies

Tampoli · 14/05/2022 18:50

DS is 17 in a few months, since he was very young he's wanted a dog and he now seems responsible to look after one. My ex has mentioned buying a dog for his main present which I could do but he's also said that the dog will live with me and DS full time as he works full time and I only work part time but I do also have a 3 year old to look after.

Aibu to not want the dog to live with me?

OP posts:
LoveSpringDaffs · 14/05/2022 20:01

What everyone has already said. Unless YOU want a dig (which you clearly don't) then it's a 'NO'.

A 17yo is not in a position to commit to a puppy for the dogs lifetime, so unless YOU are, you'd simply be getting the puppy rehome the poor dog.

How can you BOTH not see that, FGS,

WiddlinDiddlin · 14/05/2022 20:22

I got a dog when I was 19. That dog was still with me when he died of old age 17 years later.

Young people can make it work, but..

Not when they live in someone elses home, when they're dependent on someone else, when that someone else would have to do some of the care for the dog.

Having a dog DOES affect the choices you make in life - i chose not to return to a college course (not that a BTEC in popular music would have done me a lot of good anyway, which I was realising at that point).

Having a dog when someone else has the final say in what the dog does, where he or she goes in the house, what you can or cannot do.. is not fun, thats not the true dog ownership experience. Best not to do it!

Ikeptgoing · 14/05/2022 23:54

GarlicGnocchi · 14/05/2022 19:10

Of course you're not. Your ex just wants to be the hero buying the dog. Then leave you with the hard work and vets bills. There's no way your son is going to want a dog holding him back from travelling, career choices, nights out.

This ^^

Have a chat with DS and say this, and that if his dad buys him a dog it has to be for dads house, not yours. Also say same to ex.

That'll nip it in the bud, it'll cost ex a lot in doggy daycare if he goes ahead with this illthought out plan.

PumpkinsandKittens · 15/05/2022 00:05

I would never have a dog in my house

Pickabearanybear · 15/05/2022 00:18

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

VerbenaVerbena · 15/05/2022 00:21

If you want a dog then you choose the breed and the timing and other circumstances.
If your ex buys a dog then you must start as you mean to go on- don't be cajoled into "helping".
I say this as a dog lover who waited a long time to get one.

dumdumduuuummmmm · 15/05/2022 00:24

Well ain't he lovely. Gets the brownie points from DS with none of the work.

CorvusPurpureus · 15/05/2022 00:28

I have two dogs, both rescue puppies who'd been abandoned on the streets. We are not in the UK - endless stream of adorable street puppies on SM here.

It's the kids who like dogs (I'm a mad cat lady all the way.)

Dogs are now 3 & 4. Dc are 17, 16 & 14, so realistically, in 4 years' time, I will be completely responsible for 2 middle aged dogs I didn't particularly want, for several more years.

I'm quite fond of them. I will see my commitment through & look after them. They'll be responsibly & affectionately cared for, & it'll be nice for the dc to see them when they come to visit from Uni. I imagine they'll really miss the dc, though, & I'll be a poor substitute! Once they're gone, I definitely won't be getting another dog. I'm very 'meh' about dog ownership.

Would I take on a dog now, when the dc are looking ahead to independent life? Absolutely not. Tbh, with hindsight I quietly wish I'd put my foot down a bit more firmly about the two we've got - both were slightly foisted on me by friends heavily involved in local rescues, with enthusiastic cheerleading from dc.

It's a crazy time for your ds to be acquiring a dog! It would inevitably become YOUR dog.

You need to be very clear that your ex is welcome to house an entire Noah's Ark at his place, but you are very firmly not up for taking one on. No thank you, not happening.

CorsicaDreaming · 15/05/2022 00:44

I would be really worried about introducing a dog into a house with a 3 year old. It's just not safe imo. You are not at all unreasonable

Imogensmumma · 15/05/2022 01:12

A big no to getting DS a dog. What happens when DS goes to uni wants to travel , lives in a share. DS can get a dog when his life is stable and he is ready for the lifetime commitment

Rainbowqueeen · 15/05/2022 05:07

Nope. You work part time for a reason and that is because you have a 3 year old to care for. Not so your ex can be a hero and buy a dog for DS then skip off merrily into the sunset.

Dog stays at his house and he is responsible for care or dog remains a DS dream until he has his own home. And given the age of DS I strongly suspect your ex is suggesting this now as an attempt to control you as he can see you’re about to have more freedom.

Sapphirensteel · 15/05/2022 05:24

Isn’t 17 a bit of a daft age to give someone a dog?
Dog lives to be 15. In those 15 years your DS could go to Uni, travel, take a job anywhere in the world, start a long term relationship, have a child, does your ex think the dog is going to go along on all of that? The dog will be your dog and that is 15 years of exercising, picking up dog poo, vets visits, arranging holidays and even long days out around a dog. It is a huge commitment & I say that as a dog lover and owner. Put your foot down now, unless you want to own a dog.

NC10012 · 15/05/2022 05:38

Sounds like he's trying to make a big gesture that's a ridiculous and irresponsible idea.
He can't buy a dog and expect you to be responsible for them.

Your son at some point will move out - will he be taking the dog with him?
Trying to rent somewhere with a dog? Then leaving them at home all day while he goes to work?

Absolutely tell your ex 'NO'. What a total muppet.

Penguinevere · 15/05/2022 06:34

Nope. The ex is being ridiculous.

Indicatrice · 15/05/2022 07:03

So he gets to play doting dad at the expense of your time and energy? No way.

autienotnaughty · 15/05/2022 07:12

I you want a dog for your family that's fine. If exdh wants one that's fine. But he can't decide to get one to live with you. Dogs can be such hard work, ours is a massive commitment with lots of walking/training needed. Is ds going uni or will he be working? I'd only get a dog if you want it and I would never get a dog with a under five in house.

babyjellyfish · 15/05/2022 07:14

Wow. Absolutely not.

If your ex wants to buy a dog, it has to live permanently at his house.

RedWingBoots · 15/05/2022 07:26

I actually know someone whose ex tried this on them as there were already dogs in their household.

When I was told I immediately said "Fuck no!"

If you buy a child a dog (or a pet ) as a separated parent whether the child is 3, 13 or 23 the dog (or pet) lives in your house not with your ex.

HikingforScenery · 15/05/2022 07:30

Hopefully DS is not far off moving out. He can get a dog then. If your ex buys the dog, he can keep it at his. The audacity to dictate what you have/don’t have in your own home, as an ex.

RustyShackleford3 · 15/05/2022 07:33

Sorry OP but I laughed my head off at this!

I can see why he is an ex. Utterly ridiculous suggestion

Isabelle70 · 15/05/2022 07:36

I think your son is about 10 years to late in having a dog. It would have been better as a kid to grown up with one and have the responsibility of looking after a pet. At 17 is he going to want the daily responsibility? What is his day to day life like now? Does he work will he be able to afford the food/vet bills/insurance?
I would say no to the ex.

Morechocmorechoc · 15/05/2022 07:40

You would be aqeful to get him a dog. He will be out or leaving home. You ex doesn't want a dog. You don't want a dog. It will be neglected massively. Please don't get one.

Pipsquiggle · 15/05/2022 07:52

You need to shut this down now. Be EXPLICITLY clear with both Ex and DS that a dog will not be residing in your home.

Also, depending on what your elder son wants to do, I would avoid him getting a dog until his career is established.

I have a friend who's ex-H bought his 22 year old daughter a daschund when she finished uni. She is now NOT applying to graduate career jobs because of the dog, she doesn't want to leave him at home 😬

rookiemere · 15/05/2022 08:03

The good news is that as your DS is 17 you can discuss this with him as an adult.

Explain that when he has his own place he can own whatever animals he likes, but a dog will not be coming into your household.

I'd message and email this to ex as well. You will not be looking after a dog and will not have one in your house. If he gets a dog then it is his responsibility to look after it and home it.

Is your ex particularly controlling? It feels like it might be a sneaky way of continuing to restrict and keep tabs on your life now his DS is almost an adult.

Mindymomo · 15/05/2022 08:05

A dog is a huge commitment for up to 15 years plus. My younger adult Son has always wanted a dog, I said yes when I give up work, which is what we did. Dear dog is 4 years old and Son hardly says hello to him, let alone walks or care for him. My other adult Son wasn’t keen on getting one, he knew how restricted it would make our lives, and he was right, but he loves the dog and walks him weekends and plays with him every evening after work. We also wanted a dog, which is just as well as over 4 hours a day is spent walking, playing, feeding, brushing, teeth cleaning and so on.

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