What husband says

[Kneedeepinit]

Hello everyone.

I would like some advice/opinions on the following.

My husband and I have a 11 month baby (previously lost his baby sister at 21 weeks). I work part time and my husband works mostly from home (since covid began).

We both have a home together. We have a joint account that I do not use as I feel I do not add money to it and hence I have no right to use. I pay for my travel to work etc, any things our son needs (clothes food toys etc) I don't earn enough that I am able to contribute money towards the home.

I initially worked Saturdays so that we wouldn't have to rely on child care for our son during the week, as my husband would be able to care for him. My husband says this isn't enough and I need to work more and help financially with bills. I now work an addition day a week. My husband earns £500 a day. And I get about £1000 a month.

Every morning I will ask him what he would like for dinner/lunch so that gives me enough of time to make things. I cook everything from scratch so I need time to make things. He says he doesn't know, which is fine. I end up making something that he says he doesn't want to eat and asks what else is there. All this at 5pm after he finishes work.

I give him the option of helping to give our son a bath so I can make something/do other chores...but his answer is always no because I do it better.

I do not get any time away from our son which I do not mind at all. After loosing a child I would take every moment with our son. He is very precious to me. I have never asked for time away or a break even when I have been ill. I do my best and do the chores at very odd times,but nevertheless they are done.

He says we should keep our baby in nursery so that I can work more and put money into the home but I have to search for the nursery. He doesn't want to do any of that as he says it's my responsibility to do it.

I love spending time with our son. It is such a lovely feeling to see him learn,watch him grow up and teach him things. I always count myself lucky and privileged to have been able to go home from hospital with an child that I can care for. (Sorry if this sounds dramatic)

He says that all I do is sit at home and do nothing for our son. I don't take our son out for long enough hours. I contribute nothing towards the home . I am a bad influence on our son. He has also (on a few occasions) asked me to just take my things and leave the house and that he will take care of our son and that I'm not needed.

When asked to explain, he never does give me an explanation. Just resorts to name calling and personal digs.

He believes my family should pay for the fact I'm not working full time like I was before marriage.

My family have come to visit from abroad, they are staying at my flat that was previously rented out. They will be staying for a few months. They aren't well off to be able to afford to stay at a hotel. So my extra days helps pay for the bills there. I told husband once they go back home and my flat is rented I will be able to pay money towards our home. He proceeded to bad mouth my family and say that they should pay for all the bills while they are here. I wasn't brought up to think like that. We just take care of family, they are here to see the first grandchild so not like they were permanently living here. He was having none of it. A barage of insults and name calling followed. I keep calm throughout this all as I feel retaliating will get nowhere. He will not talk to me but just belittle me. No amount of attempts to have a conversation works, and I mean a few days after his outbursts. Of I atte.pto talk about it, he will erupt again.

He says his mum and father give our son money and my family don't give money on a regular basis. I said that's not a thing we do in our family and not like we have lots of it.

Our sons 1st birthday is due and apart from his mum no one from his family are coming to see our son. Infact none of them have seen our son in person (apart from his mum). I have never made a big deal about it. It doesn't bother me if people want to see our son or not. I'm just happy to have him :) people will make their way to see him in due course at a time that suits them. Instead he takes it out on my family by saying what would they do if they didn't have my place to stay and that they would never come to see our son. So they should be grateful and pay me money for everything. I really do not see his point here. Why is he keen on people paying out, not like he has a job that pays pennies? I never get an answer when I question things...just insults and name calling.

I wanted to baptise our son as Catholic. We talked about this before we got married and he was cool about it. Now he says he does t want to baptise him, as being a Catholic is like my family, selfish and don't give money or help with bills. I told him he is perfectly fine to change his mind about the baptism if those are the reasons he fervently believes in.

All I want is for the belittling to stop and to stop treating me like crap. I can only stay calm for so long. I'm afraid this will end in divorce. There's only so much I can take.

TottersBlankly thank you for your message. Sorry I'm new to this and hence the mistake of replying to each person, don't want them to feel that I am not thankful for them taking the time to read and reply...but point taken thanks :)

Honestly I am a bit numb to it all, maybe its cos of the constant put downs, name calling etc. I've not had time to think of how things make me feel in that way. All I seem to have in my mind is what have I done to deserve this. Its searching in me what I have done wrong to make someone say these things to me.

I mean, that's an absolute tosser you've ended up with. Men don't change. He's likely always been this revolting and you somehow ignored it. But now your child is in the middle of this damaging mess, and the cycle will continue to their children.

Speak to the Freedom Project so that when you finally leave, you can learn how to spot red flags and not just moved in with another abuser.

This is how abusers work. They make their victims unsure, uncertain, full of doubt. He is bullying you. He is gaslighting you. He is abusing you. Make plans to leave. Photograph his financial stuff so he can't hide it. Talk to women's aid charities. Talk to trusted friends or family who might be able to give you practical or moral support. Do it while he is out.

You deserve so much better. You sound like a beautiful person and an amazing mum. You can do this.

If you are in the fortunate position of having your own flat you should seriously consider moving there with your beautiful baby and divorcing that nasty bastard.
You can do a benefits calculation online to see what you'd be entitled to and I'd suggest seeing a solicitor to find out your financial rights should you end the marriage.
It's great that you have the flat to escape to if need be OP - but do not move out of the marital home until you have - secretly - consulted a very good divorce lawyer.
I can see your horrible H deciding that he is going to keep the lion's share of the marital assets, & shaft you into just accepting that you own the flat while he owns the house.
If you were to divorce - the starting assumption is that you each own 50% of both properties. Ditto other assets like savings, pensions, cars etc. You may find that your high-earning H has to buy you out of the marital home. Or leave it to you - so you need a good divorce lawyer who is experienced with rich men trying to hide assets, & abusive men trying to cow their wives into financial submission.

Do not under any circumstances let your husband find out that you're looking into these things. He could turn even more unpleasant.
Yup - you need to play your cards very close to your chest OP.
Do not let him even guess at what you might be thinking/planning.
When he is safely out, take copies of everything - all bills, mortgage docs, bank account details, pensions, car docs ... & hide your & DC's passports. He doesn't need to know about any of this. You could store the docs in a safe hiding place in your flat.

I agree completely. He's a bully and it seems like your life would be much happier away from him.

I get very confused as he then has a go at me for not using the joint account to pay for my travel etc. When I say that I don't think it's fair that I spend the money from there as I don't contribute, he says that's me being ridiculous and that momey is for us to use. Then the next sentence is you don't put money into this house. Nothing makes sense to me at all.

You are confused because he is doing this deliberately to make you confused. To keep you undermined, manipulated, controlled.
It's part of the nasty/nice/nasty abuse cycle.
www.verywellhealth.com/cycle-of-abuse-5210940
Link explains a little more, but I don't want to get hung up on him, & the complex reasons he does what he does, because what's most important is YOU, & the effect his behaviour has on you.

The way he treats you is totally unacceptable - & you don't need to justify why he does it, or waste time looking for the psychological reasons he abuses you.
All you need to do is recognise it, & decide if you are going to continue putting up with it. If you want to walk away, you are in a good position to do so. But don't make any sudden movements - get all the legal, financial & practical steps mapped out in your head first - & remember, he doesn't need to know a single thing you are thinking.

You haven't done anything wrong, please don't think that one magical day you will suddenly get everything right and then there will be no more problems.
He's bullying you because he wants you bully you, he will always find things that are wrong so that you can't win and it's pointless to try.
If he asked you to wear a blue dress he would be cross that you hadn't picked a green one, that's how ridiculous it would be trying to get it right.
You made a mistake with this man; time to decide what to do next.

I don't know how much is in there. But I rather not use any of his money. Its just not in my nature to do that, maybe I'm weaknin that sense.
OP - it's not HIS money. You are married. The money belongs to each of you.
You are not "weak" to take pride in funding yourself - but I do wonder how much your thinking here has been influenced by his horrible attitude about money & his constant carping at you about your lesser earning power.
He is financially abusing you OP. He earns £10k a month & is bitching at you for working part time while you also do ALL of the childcare & household drudgery.

I will call up womens aid and get some advice from them, thank you for the tip.
Please do. You need an advocate who will advise you through both the practical steps of leaving - & getting the best financial deal possible out of a divorce for you and your child's future. They will also support you with the emotional aspect of disentangling yourself from an abusive marriage. These men tend to follow a "Script" & WA will be wise to it. Their expertise will help you keep one step ahead, & help you when you finally tell H you have had enough & are leaving him.

It's always - if you did what I tell you everything will be OK and we wouldn't have any issues as they are all caused by me.

Remember the "Script" I mentioned a few posts up OP?
This is the Script.

See also "now look what you made me do"
"if you did what you were told I wouldn't have to hit you"
"if you cooked a decent meal I wouldn't have to throw my plate at the wall"
"if you weren't so cold & distant, I wouldn't have to coerce you into sex"

Although it's more helpful to you to focus on you & DC right now, & what you want & need to do in the next few weeks, this book will help you make sense of why you feel so blamed, undermined, & unable to get heard OP -
www.amazon.co.uk/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling-ebook/dp/B000Q9J0RO

Obviously, if you get a copy of this book - your H must never, ever, clap eyes on it.
This is a free e-version - only download it if you are 100% sure it is safe to keep it on your device where H cannot see or access it.

He's not under stress to pay bills. 3 families could live off the amount of money he earns. He is obsessed with money - or at least, obsessed with blaming you for not have even more money, the greedy bastard.

He's earning a lot of money per month, yet he still wants more from you. Money's his priority. He's treating you so awfully, you can't continue with this life.

ooops - link to e-version of Lundy Bancroft's excellent book - www.docdroid.net/2fZmz40/why-does-he-do-that-pdf

Take the baby and stay with your family. You could get him baptised at the same time - OK, you'd likely miss out on the party aspect, but if it's the religious aspect that's important to you, that doesn't matter.

And whilst you are safe with them, you can claim UC, start a CMS claim and get on with a divorce. Because you'll have somewhere to live safely instead of being trapped and dependent upon somebody who seems to hate you.

Thank god you have still have a flat you can go to.
Get out and move yourself back into the flat and get this unpleasant man out of your life.

Thank you - KettrickenSmiled for taking time to read and offer some very good advice. You are right about the script. Thank you for the PDF I will have a read through it.

NeverDropYourMooncup - thank you for replying back to my post. I really do not care about any party at all, it's the religious aspect that means the most to me.

Thank you - AnotherForumUser, reallyisthisallthereis, Want2beme, PerseverancePays

You all have been so supportive, every single one who has messaged back. I don't know any of you, yet you all have been so kind and listened to me. You have definitely given me some hope that there is light at the end.

You need to leave OP

The belittling your contribution. The name calling. The arguments that everything is all your responsibility- so he is your child when it suits him, but still the threats that he will take your childs away.

Sometimes I read a thread and I think maybe there is some mis communication. But this thread I think 'abusive arsehole', and there is literally no way out of that, other than to leave

He's abusive, you can do better, walk away. You have every right and should be using the joint account for your son's needs but that isn't the crux of the issue. He won't go through his threat to remove you from your child's life as he won't want to physically care for him considering he doesn't now.

Womens Aid advice needed.

Solicitor sorted.

Suitcases. Packed.

Photocopies of all financial issues, both yours and his, in your backpack.

Screenshots of relevant conversations with your partner taken.

Move back to your flat.

Then sit back, enjoy a glass of Pinot Grigio/value sparkling water and your M&S beef wellington/King Pot noodles and revel in your freedom .

Yes, it will be freedom from this nobhead.

Move yourself and your son into your flat. Do the Freedom Programme. Your husband is abusive. You and your son deserve so much more.

Your husband sounds absolutely vile. And the description of your marriage sounds like something from the 19th century!

Please leave him, he's mentally abusive and you and your son deserve so much better.

Offer him couples counseling or consider divorce. He sounds like he has his own psychological issues but if he isn't aware of them then could be a lost cause. Lay your troubles at the foot of the cross and let God take over.

Leaving in scary, like standing on the edge of a cliff type feeling. There is also sad realisation that you are saying goodbye to all the hopes and dreams of what you thought your life together would be. I know that it’s a powerful urge to want to stay together in the hopes that things improve and get better, but sadly with abusive men like your husband this never happens, and absolutely never in the long term or lasting way you are hoping for.

Make no mistake that if he thinks your leaving he will coerce you to stay will false promises and empty proclamations of change. Mark my words when I say that he will not change, he’ll do just enough to get you stay and as soon as he feels your back on the hook he will get worse, a lot worse!

It is so important that you leave, not just for you but for your son. Imagine your son hearing how he speaks to you and worse understanding what he is saying. Those things scar and mar you for life, case and point being your husband given the atmosphere he grew up in. You don’t want that to be the example of how a man should behave, or of how he should treat a woman, or that this is what a relationship is or should be. You will save your son so so much by leaving, you get to show him a strong and independent woman who loves him, who puts him first (not that you don’t already do that, you do) and that when your not being treated right, and how you deserve you leave!!! That way he knows when he’s an adult he can leave and he will leave because that’s the good example that you set for him.

Your in a great position to leave given you have your flat. I get what others might say about staying in the house and all that, which would be fine if your husband wasn’t abusive, but since he is it’s just better that you leave and leave the fighting of the assets to a solicitor. What’s more important is that you and your son have a safe and calm space away from the abuse, it’s invaluable and worth more than any monetary asset you could have.

Please leave, and do not under any circumstances go back to him no matter what he says or what he promises, this is who he is, and he can’t change that anymore than you can. Once abusers cross the line into becoming abusive and abusive to you they never cross back over to the other side, never! When your feeling weak, try to remember that. Any betterment is temporary, and just a false pretence a mere illusion to get what he wants back, which is his victim, his emotional punching bag to belittle and shame with the collateral damage being your son. You deserve so much more!!!

DO NOT ENTER COUPLES COUNSELLING WITH THIS MAN.
Expert therapists recommend that couples counselling should not be happening, when one of the couple is abusive.

And put your faith in yourself & your love for your child, because God hasn't stopped your foul husband financially abusing & psychologically tormenting you yet - I don't think it's something He specialises in.

So youre not looking after yor son enough but he wants him put in nursery so you can earn more

hes messing with your head like abusers do

Have some self respect and divorce him because he clearly doesn't respect you.

Like fuck should you put up with that.