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AIBU?

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Original poster

What husband says

107 replies

Kneedeepinit · 13/05/2022 23:20

Hello everyone.

I would like some advice/opinions on the following.

My husband and I have a 11 month baby (previously lost his baby sister at 21 weeks). I work part time and my husband works mostly from home (since covid began).

We both have a home together. We have a joint account that I do not use as I feel I do not add money to it and hence I have no right to use. I pay for my travel to work etc, any things our son needs (clothes food toys etc) I don't earn enough that I am able to contribute money towards the home.

I initially worked Saturdays so that we wouldn't have to rely on child care for our son during the week, as my husband would be able to care for him. My husband says this isn't enough and I need to work more and help financially with bills. I now work an addition day a week. My husband earns £500 a day. And I get about £1000 a month.

Every morning I will ask him what he would like for dinner/lunch so that gives me enough of time to make things. I cook everything from scratch so I need time to make things. He says he doesn't know, which is fine. I end up making something that he says he doesn't want to eat and asks what else is there. All this at 5pm after he finishes work.

I give him the option of helping to give our son a bath so I can make something/do other chores...but his answer is always no because I do it better.

I do not get any time away from our son which I do not mind at all. After loosing a child I would take every moment with our son. He is very precious to me. I have never asked for time away or a break even when I have been ill. I do my best and do the chores at very odd times,but nevertheless they are done.

He says we should keep our baby in nursery so that I can work more and put money into the home but I have to search for the nursery. He doesn't want to do any of that as he says it's my responsibility to do it.

I love spending time with our son. It is such a lovely feeling to see him learn,watch him grow up and teach him things. I always count myself lucky and privileged to have been able to go home from hospital with an child that I can care for. (Sorry if this sounds dramatic)

He says that all I do is sit at home and do nothing for our son. I don't take our son out for long enough hours. I contribute nothing towards the home . I am a bad influence on our son. He has also (on a few occasions) asked me to just take my things and leave the house and that he will take care of our son and that I'm not needed.

When asked to explain, he never does give me an explanation. Just resorts to name calling and personal digs.

He believes my family should pay for the fact I'm not working full time like I was before marriage.

My family have come to visit from abroad, they are staying at my flat that was previously rented out. They will be staying for a few months. They aren't well off to be able to afford to stay at a hotel. So my extra days helps pay for the bills there. I told husband once they go back home and my flat is rented I will be able to pay money towards our home. He proceeded to bad mouth my family and say that they should pay for all the bills while they are here. I wasn't brought up to think like that. We just take care of family, they are here to see the first grandchild so not like they were permanently living here. He was having none of it. A barage of insults and name calling followed. I keep calm throughout this all as I feel retaliating will get nowhere. He will not talk to me but just belittle me. No amount of attempts to have a conversation works, and I mean a few days after his outbursts. Of I atte.pto talk about it, he will erupt again.

He says his mum and father give our son money and my family don't give money on a regular basis. I said that's not a thing we do in our family and not like we have lots of it.

Our sons 1st birthday is due and apart from his mum no one from his family are coming to see our son. Infact none of them have seen our son in person (apart from his mum). I have never made a big deal about it. It doesn't bother me if people want to see our son or not. I'm just happy to have him :) people will make their way to see him in due course at a time that suits them. Instead he takes it out on my family by saying what would they do if they didn't have my place to stay and that they would never come to see our son. So they should be grateful and pay me money for everything. I really do not see his point here. Why is he keen on people paying out, not like he has a job that pays pennies? I never get an answer when I question things...just insults and name calling.

I wanted to baptise our son as Catholic. We talked about this before we got married and he was cool about it. Now he says he does t want to baptise him, as being a Catholic is like my family, selfish and don't give money or help with bills. I told him he is perfectly fine to change his mind about the baptism if those are the reasons he fervently believes in.

All I want is for the belittling to stop and to stop treating me like crap. I can only stay calm for so long. I'm afraid this will end in divorce. There's only so much I can take.

OP posts:
Original poster
Kneedeepinit · 14/05/2022 07:05

MayMi · 14/05/2022 03:22

I'm so sorry that your husband is treating you so badly, you don't deserve it and clearly work very hard in the home and looking after your son. You have a very strong spirit for him to not have broken it with his bullying. He sounds sexist to me, just making demands at you, name calling when asked to explain, claiming nothing you do is good enough etc. what makes it worse is his expectations about yours and your family's financial contributions when he makes so much money himself. I think it's amazing you're managing even part time work while you do all of this at home too!
Like others have said here, divorce would be a good option. You have a great relationship with your family who seem that they would support you emotionally, with childcare etc.

Thank you for your message and for your kind words. Yes my family will support me in doing what's best for the future.

OP posts:
Original poster
Kneedeepinit · 14/05/2022 07:06

This reply has been deleted

This has been withdrawn at the user's request.

Thank you for your message. Sometimes I do wonder what I have done to cause him to react like this at the smallest of things:(

OP posts:
Original poster
Kneedeepinit · 14/05/2022 07:07

Penguinsaregreat · 14/05/2022 06:26

I agree with everyone else, move into your flat and leave him.
Don't bother talking to him he has shown his true colours. He doesn't love you or his child. He won't change.

Thabk you for your message. You are right, I keep thinking this is the last time he will do this tk me and a f ew weeks later it will happen again. I'm stupid to think it will get better and that he would want tk make things better for the sake of our son :(

OP posts:
Original poster
Kneedeepinit · 14/05/2022 07:10

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at the user's request

Thank you for your message. It's always - if you did what I tell you everything will be OK and we wouldn't have any issues as they are all caused by me. Everything would be great if I went to went to work and did more for my son. I'm so muddled in my head right now I can't think straight :(

OP posts:
Original poster
Kneedeepinit · 14/05/2022 07:12

jamimaflange · 14/05/2022 06:46

You sound lovely and your son is very lucky to have you. It's a shame his father doesn't seem interested in pulling his weight in the parenting department. He is abusive to you and I am struggling to see what benefit he brings to your life.

It does sound like you would be much happier and free to enjoy your life and child without him getting on at you all the time.

Thabk you for your message and for your kind words. I've never expected him to do more, I just have a thinking that people will do what they can and that is the best they can do and you just get in with things and make do. No need to belittle anyone for their efforts :(

OP posts:
Original poster
Kneedeepinit · 14/05/2022 07:13

GalactatingGoddess · 14/05/2022 06:49

Agree with all PPs.
Don't go the rest of your (and your sons) life allowing him to treat you like this.
Make plans to leave x

Thank you for your message and for your support.

OP posts:
Rumplestrumpet · 14/05/2022 07:22

OP please bear in mind that divorce can be very VERY expensive indeed.

You say you don't want to take his money, but you also need to think about your son. What will you do when he's dragging you through the courts and you have to choose between food & clothes for your son or solicitor's fees? Your son is entitled to a decent life and his father can afford to fund that. Don't let him get away with not doing that.

Seek legal advice on how much you could reasonably remove from the joint account to cover legal fees before you leave (my friend has spent £50k already and isn't done yet!) Then take this before you leave him.

LetHimHaveIt · 14/05/2022 07:32

Hello OP!

There is not one point in your incredibly depressing tale at which he is right and you are wrong. He is an unremitting arsehole and you should leave and divorce his worthless arse.

Moodycow78 · 14/05/2022 07:38

Oh hon take your precious baby and run from this awful man, I'm so sorry for your loss but you're right, you're very lucky to go home with a baby to love, don't let this man ruin it. Use the bloody joint account btw, you have every right to it xx

Moodycow78 · 14/05/2022 07:39

Also push for as much money as you can in the divorce. Don't be kind or fair because he won't be. Just remember it's not for you, it's for your son x

timeisnotaline · 14/05/2022 07:42

Op, you spend all day every day looking after your son. You do everything for him. You love him and want to give him a great life. You’d be transferring some of the money because it’s yours, legally and morally, and you can use it to support your child. When a woman has a baby with an abusive man, you need to be the best parent and advocate you can be as your child only has you. Transferring money out might ‘not be you’ but you have to make yourself be a person who does that as you will have to fight for your child. Stop yourself next time before you say it’s not right to use his money. Don’t say that’s just not me, that doesn’t feel ok, I don’t want anyone else’s money, it’s not right. I’ll tell you what is not right - it’s not right that he’s a shitty dad. It’s not right that he doesn’t appreciate any of what you do for your child. It’s not right that he doesn’t do anything for his child. You transferring money out to support your child is right. It’s being the best mum for your child that you can be.

chezchat · 14/05/2022 07:58

OP, I read your description of your B and his attitude in shock. This man is extremely abusive. There is no question you have to leave him. Thank god you have your own flat and your family are coming. I don't know what's wrong with this man your married - he sounds insane. What a terrible man he is. Please leave him and never look back. If you can't do it for yourself, do it for your son.

chezchat · 14/05/2022 07:59

Sorry H not B

Twinmum12 · 14/05/2022 08:09

He's emotionally and financially abusive to you. He's keeping you short of money and trying to force you to earn more for his benefit. Because if you are using towards the house as well as everything else, even though you can't afford it, he will be able to keep even more of his piles of money. He must be on over 100k and you're on 12k. Its actually a crime, that's how's wrong his behaviour is.

www.moneyhelper.org.uk/en/family-and-care/divorce-and-separation/protecting-against-financial-abuse#:~:text=Financial%20abuse%20is%20a%20form,look%20different%20within%20different%20relationships.

HairyBum · 14/05/2022 08:34

It’s strange that you consider it his money when in fact your urge covering childcare which enables him to work full time. All cash is joint cash because the child belongs to you both

OhamIreally · 14/05/2022 09:59

PomBearWithoutHerOFRS · 13/05/2022 23:27

Don't be afraid it will end in divorce, pray it will. Then get onto CMS, move back to your own flat, claim universal credit and carry on part time until you get sorted out, and have a happy life with so much less stress, and improved self esteem with your lovely baby.
Your H can get to fuck, pay his maintenance, step up and parent eow and some holidays, and chew it raw and swallow as he does his own housework and cooks his own bloody tea!

This is absolutely what you should do.

Topseyt123 · 14/05/2022 10:05

Divorce him. He is an abusive arse and he will not charge.

Get your lovely baby and move back into your flat, away from this twat.

Don't be afraid of going after money. He is the other parent and needs to support his child.

Original poster
Kneedeepinit · 14/05/2022 11:14

Rumplestrumpet · 14/05/2022 07:22

OP please bear in mind that divorce can be very VERY expensive indeed.

You say you don't want to take his money, but you also need to think about your son. What will you do when he's dragging you through the courts and you have to choose between food & clothes for your son or solicitor's fees? Your son is entitled to a decent life and his father can afford to fund that. Don't let him get away with not doing that.

Seek legal advice on how much you could reasonably remove from the joint account to cover legal fees before you leave (my friend has spent £50k already and isn't done yet!) Then take this before you leave him.

Thank you for your message and for the tips

OP posts:
Original poster
Kneedeepinit · 14/05/2022 11:15

LetHimHaveIt · 14/05/2022 07:32

Hello OP!

There is not one point in your incredibly depressing tale at which he is right and you are wrong. He is an unremitting arsehole and you should leave and divorce his worthless arse.

Thanks for your message and for listening.

OP posts:
Original poster
Kneedeepinit · 14/05/2022 11:16

Moodycow78 · 14/05/2022 07:38

Oh hon take your precious baby and run from this awful man, I'm so sorry for your loss but you're right, you're very lucky to go home with a baby to love, don't let this man ruin it. Use the bloody joint account btw, you have every right to it xx

Thank you for your message. I k ow what uou mean but weirdly my conscious just keeps telling me not to use his money :(

OP posts:
Original poster
Kneedeepinit · 14/05/2022 11:18

timeisnotaline · 14/05/2022 07:42

Op, you spend all day every day looking after your son. You do everything for him. You love him and want to give him a great life. You’d be transferring some of the money because it’s yours, legally and morally, and you can use it to support your child. When a woman has a baby with an abusive man, you need to be the best parent and advocate you can be as your child only has you. Transferring money out might ‘not be you’ but you have to make yourself be a person who does that as you will have to fight for your child. Stop yourself next time before you say it’s not right to use his money. Don’t say that’s just not me, that doesn’t feel ok, I don’t want anyone else’s money, it’s not right. I’ll tell you what is not right - it’s not right that he’s a shitty dad. It’s not right that he doesn’t appreciate any of what you do for your child. It’s not right that he doesn’t do anything for his child. You transferring money out to support your child is right. It’s being the best mum for your child that you can be.

Thank you for your message and for your support. I just need to change the way I think

OP posts:
Original poster
Kneedeepinit · 14/05/2022 11:19

chezchat · 14/05/2022 07:58

OP, I read your description of your B and his attitude in shock. This man is extremely abusive. There is no question you have to leave him. Thank god you have your own flat and your family are coming. I don't know what's wrong with this man your married - he sounds insane. What a terrible man he is. Please leave him and never look back. If you can't do it for yourself, do it for your son.

Than.k you for your message

OP posts:
Original poster
Kneedeepinit · 14/05/2022 11:21

Twinmum12 · 14/05/2022 08:09

He's emotionally and financially abusive to you. He's keeping you short of money and trying to force you to earn more for his benefit. Because if you are using towards the house as well as everything else, even though you can't afford it, he will be able to keep even more of his piles of money. He must be on over 100k and you're on 12k. Its actually a crime, that's how's wrong his behaviour is.

www.moneyhelper.org.uk/en/family-and-care/divorce-and-separation/protecting-against-financial-abuse#:~:text=Financial%20abuse%20is%20a%20form,look%20different%20within%20different%20relationships.

Thank you for your message. I will have a look at the link you posted more thoroughly as I only did a quick glance of it. Thank you for taking time to search this up for me.

OP posts:
TottersBlankly · 14/05/2022 11:26

Kneedeepinit It is not necessary to copy every response and thank each individual poster. It makes your thread pointlessly repetitive.

Your husband neither likes nor respects you. How do you feel about that?

Original poster
Kneedeepinit · 14/05/2022 11:26

Thank you for your message. According to him if I worked more then we will be able to have a better life and he won't be under stress to pay bills.

OP posts:
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