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AIBU?

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Original poster

What husband says

107 replies

Kneedeepinit · 13/05/2022 23:20

Hello everyone.

I would like some advice/opinions on the following.

My husband and I have a 11 month baby (previously lost his baby sister at 21 weeks). I work part time and my husband works mostly from home (since covid began).

We both have a home together. We have a joint account that I do not use as I feel I do not add money to it and hence I have no right to use. I pay for my travel to work etc, any things our son needs (clothes food toys etc) I don't earn enough that I am able to contribute money towards the home.

I initially worked Saturdays so that we wouldn't have to rely on child care for our son during the week, as my husband would be able to care for him. My husband says this isn't enough and I need to work more and help financially with bills. I now work an addition day a week. My husband earns £500 a day. And I get about £1000 a month.

Every morning I will ask him what he would like for dinner/lunch so that gives me enough of time to make things. I cook everything from scratch so I need time to make things. He says he doesn't know, which is fine. I end up making something that he says he doesn't want to eat and asks what else is there. All this at 5pm after he finishes work.

I give him the option of helping to give our son a bath so I can make something/do other chores...but his answer is always no because I do it better.

I do not get any time away from our son which I do not mind at all. After loosing a child I would take every moment with our son. He is very precious to me. I have never asked for time away or a break even when I have been ill. I do my best and do the chores at very odd times,but nevertheless they are done.

He says we should keep our baby in nursery so that I can work more and put money into the home but I have to search for the nursery. He doesn't want to do any of that as he says it's my responsibility to do it.

I love spending time with our son. It is such a lovely feeling to see him learn,watch him grow up and teach him things. I always count myself lucky and privileged to have been able to go home from hospital with an child that I can care for. (Sorry if this sounds dramatic)

He says that all I do is sit at home and do nothing for our son. I don't take our son out for long enough hours. I contribute nothing towards the home . I am a bad influence on our son. He has also (on a few occasions) asked me to just take my things and leave the house and that he will take care of our son and that I'm not needed.

When asked to explain, he never does give me an explanation. Just resorts to name calling and personal digs.

He believes my family should pay for the fact I'm not working full time like I was before marriage.

My family have come to visit from abroad, they are staying at my flat that was previously rented out. They will be staying for a few months. They aren't well off to be able to afford to stay at a hotel. So my extra days helps pay for the bills there. I told husband once they go back home and my flat is rented I will be able to pay money towards our home. He proceeded to bad mouth my family and say that they should pay for all the bills while they are here. I wasn't brought up to think like that. We just take care of family, they are here to see the first grandchild so not like they were permanently living here. He was having none of it. A barage of insults and name calling followed. I keep calm throughout this all as I feel retaliating will get nowhere. He will not talk to me but just belittle me. No amount of attempts to have a conversation works, and I mean a few days after his outbursts. Of I atte.pto talk about it, he will erupt again.

He says his mum and father give our son money and my family don't give money on a regular basis. I said that's not a thing we do in our family and not like we have lots of it.

Our sons 1st birthday is due and apart from his mum no one from his family are coming to see our son. Infact none of them have seen our son in person (apart from his mum). I have never made a big deal about it. It doesn't bother me if people want to see our son or not. I'm just happy to have him :) people will make their way to see him in due course at a time that suits them. Instead he takes it out on my family by saying what would they do if they didn't have my place to stay and that they would never come to see our son. So they should be grateful and pay me money for everything. I really do not see his point here. Why is he keen on people paying out, not like he has a job that pays pennies? I never get an answer when I question things...just insults and name calling.

I wanted to baptise our son as Catholic. We talked about this before we got married and he was cool about it. Now he says he does t want to baptise him, as being a Catholic is like my family, selfish and don't give money or help with bills. I told him he is perfectly fine to change his mind about the baptism if those are the reasons he fervently believes in.

All I want is for the belittling to stop and to stop treating me like crap. I can only stay calm for so long. I'm afraid this will end in divorce. There's only so much I can take.

OP posts:
sofedupp · 13/05/2022 23:52

Can i ask where you are both from?

I have a feeling you are not white english based on.... well everything you say. It makes me sad as i am nog white english either & the mre is a tone that you are not worthwhile, and you need to worship the ground he walks on.

Dont have to say if you wish not to

Original poster
Kneedeepinit · 13/05/2022 23:58

LightDrizzle · 13/05/2022 23:51

Abusive men very commonly get worse after you have a baby because they see you as trapped, and think they can tighten the screw without any consequences for them (like you buggering off).

Prove him wrong! I’m so pleased you still have your flat. You can move in with your lovely baby and bring him up to be a decent man.

Don’t tell your husband until it is all set up and you are ready to go. He could be very nasty and ground down as you are, you might back out.

Why would he get better or nicer? This is him, this is what he is at core. This is how he treats the woman he promised to love and honour and who had his baby. It’s not you, it’s him.

Thank you for your message. It really baffles me the way he has been after the baby. Its like a different personality.

I find it all weird as he has asked me to just up and leave the house in the middle of one of these episodes. These episodes have happened so many times now.

The sest of things can trigger him off to go on a rage. E.g workmen doing up a part pf the house say something is wrong, I look ot up online and yes it is wrong and because I sided with the workmen and not him - that was it. Abuse just followed.

OP posts:
Original poster
Kneedeepinit · 14/05/2022 00:01

sofedupp · 13/05/2022 23:52

Can i ask where you are both from?

I have a feeling you are not white english based on.... well everything you say. It makes me sad as i am nog white english either & the mre is a tone that you are not worthwhile, and you need to worship the ground he walks on.

Dont have to say if you wish not to

Irish I'm afraid not English.

OP posts:
VeryStressedMum · 14/05/2022 00:24

Apart from the fact that he earns £500 a day what does he do with all this money that you have to contribute to the bills? Not saying that you shouldn't contribute but he's making it sound like there's no money and you have to or the bills won't be paid.

I'm sorry to say but he does not sound like a nice man or good husband and I don't know if this will get any better for you.
You should seriously think about moving into your flat after your family leave, sometimes men like this don't understand talk and reasoning so action is the only way.

Well I say they don't understand but they understand just fine but they choose to just not listen and act like a total prick because they think you will just put up with this bullshit.

You need to show him that you won't. Maybe them he'll change. Maybe then you'll realise you are better off without him.

Hopefully you will do this before you've waited years of your life and your son witnesses his father treat his mother like a dog.

IcanandIwill · 14/05/2022 00:28

You deserve better than this. As does your son.

alionthatneedscourage · 14/05/2022 00:37

You have options. He's abusing you. Leave.

Panjandrum123 · 14/05/2022 00:40

Doesn’t sound promising OP.

Make a log of his behaviour, be factual not emotional. You’ll need this to back up your divorce petition.

Squirrel away what you can, make copies of anything financial that could go towards a division of assets.

Move stuff out to your flat. When you finally move in, if he has a key, remember to change the locks.

Above all, be kind to yourself and know that you are worthy of a happy life with your son.

Original poster
Kneedeepinit · 14/05/2022 00:41

VeryStressedMum · 14/05/2022 00:24

Apart from the fact that he earns £500 a day what does he do with all this money that you have to contribute to the bills? Not saying that you shouldn't contribute but he's making it sound like there's no money and you have to or the bills won't be paid.

I'm sorry to say but he does not sound like a nice man or good husband and I don't know if this will get any better for you.
You should seriously think about moving into your flat after your family leave, sometimes men like this don't understand talk and reasoning so action is the only way.

Well I say they don't understand but they understand just fine but they choose to just not listen and act like a total prick because they think you will just put up with this bullshit.

You need to show him that you won't. Maybe them he'll change. Maybe then you'll realise you are better off without him.

Hopefully you will do this before you've waited years of your life and your son witnesses his father treat his mother like a dog.

Thank you for your message.

Having asked him the same question he is very vague in his answers.

I get very confused as he then has a go at me for not using the joint account to pay for my travel etc. When I say that I don't think it's fair that I spend the money from there as I don't contribute, he says that's me being ridiculous and that momey is for us to use. Then the next sentence is you don't put money into this house. Nothing makes sense to me at all.

Unfortunately I have to get it in my head that he will not/ might not realise what he us doing here and that I have to put the needs of our baby first.

OP posts:
Original poster
Kneedeepinit · 14/05/2022 00:41

IcanandIwill · 14/05/2022 00:28

You deserve better than this. As does your son.

Thank you for your message

OP posts:
Original poster
Kneedeepinit · 14/05/2022 00:43

Panjandrum123 · 14/05/2022 00:40

Doesn’t sound promising OP.

Make a log of his behaviour, be factual not emotional. You’ll need this to back up your divorce petition.

Squirrel away what you can, make copies of anything financial that could go towards a division of assets.

Move stuff out to your flat. When you finally move in, if he has a key, remember to change the locks.

Above all, be kind to yourself and know that you are worthy of a happy life with your son.

Thank you for your message. You have mentioned some very good points that will be helpful.

OP posts:
Original poster
Kneedeepinit · 14/05/2022 00:45

alionthatneedscourage · 14/05/2022 00:37

You have options. He's abusing you. Leave.

Thank you for your message. I need to find the strength to do this, i need to get myself organised for our son first and plan.

OP posts:
SummerWhisper · 14/05/2022 01:09

If I were you, I would be planning my son's first birthday with those who love him: you and your parents. I bet it is breaking their hearts to see you both treated with such contempt. Step back and see that contempt for you and your son. How could you love and be with a man who refuses to look after his beautiful child? Examine his treatment of your son. That is all you need to know to get you both packed up and gone, into your private space where he can no longer abuse either of you. You sound lovely and your son is lucky to have one devoted parent that will make up for the pathetic and nasty man that is his father.

Dundonian · 14/05/2022 01:22

Your husband is disgustingly abusive. You need to get yourself and your son away. Do you want your son to how up thinking this is normal, this is how men treat women?

Weatherwax13 · 14/05/2022 01:25

Abusive men seem to escalate their behaviour when a woman is vulnerable: specifically during pregnancy and after they have the baby.
This won't improve OP.
If you are in the fortunate position of having your own flat you should seriously consider moving there with your beautiful baby and divorcing that nasty bastard.
You can do a benefits calculation online to see what you'd be entitled to and I'd suggest seeing a solicitor to find out your financial rights should you end the marriage.
Do not under any circumstances let your husband find out that you're looking into these things. He could turn even more unpleasant.
You don't deserve this. And it will make for an unhappy childhood for that little boy you adore if you don't change things.

timeisnotaline · 14/05/2022 01:34

How much is in the joint account? I think you should transfer around 5k to yours on the day you move out back to your flat and divorce him.
make that 5500 to pay for a van and loading up your child’s cot, changing table etc. while he’s at work. Don’t tell him.
to help you decide call womens aid and tell them everything you’ve told us. They will also tell you this is abuse. He doesn’t love you and you should leave before he damages your child.

MayMi · 14/05/2022 03:22

I'm so sorry that your husband is treating you so badly, you don't deserve it and clearly work very hard in the home and looking after your son. You have a very strong spirit for him to not have broken it with his bullying. He sounds sexist to me, just making demands at you, name calling when asked to explain, claiming nothing you do is good enough etc. what makes it worse is his expectations about yours and your family's financial contributions when he makes so much money himself. I think it's amazing you're managing even part time work while you do all of this at home too!
Like others have said here, divorce would be a good option. You have a great relationship with your family who seem that they would support you emotionally, with childcare etc.

Philisophigal · 14/05/2022 03:51

This reply has been deleted

This has been withdrawn at the user's request.

Penguinsaregreat · 14/05/2022 06:26

I agree with everyone else, move into your flat and leave him.
Don't bother talking to him he has shown his true colours. He doesn't love you or his child. He won't change.

ChairCareOh · 14/05/2022 06:35

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at the user's request

jamimaflange · 14/05/2022 06:46

You sound lovely and your son is very lucky to have you. It's a shame his father doesn't seem interested in pulling his weight in the parenting department. He is abusive to you and I am struggling to see what benefit he brings to your life.

It does sound like you would be much happier and free to enjoy your life and child without him getting on at you all the time.

GalactatingGoddess · 14/05/2022 06:49

Agree with all PPs.
Don't go the rest of your (and your sons) life allowing him to treat you like this.
Make plans to leave x

Original poster
Kneedeepinit · 14/05/2022 06:59

SummerWhisper · 14/05/2022 01:09

If I were you, I would be planning my son's first birthday with those who love him: you and your parents. I bet it is breaking their hearts to see you both treated with such contempt. Step back and see that contempt for you and your son. How could you love and be with a man who refuses to look after his beautiful child? Examine his treatment of your son. That is all you need to know to get you both packed up and gone, into your private space where he can no longer abuse either of you. You sound lovely and your son is lucky to have one devoted parent that will make up for the pathetic and nasty man that is his father.

Thank you for your message and for your support

OP posts:
Original poster
Kneedeepinit · 14/05/2022 07:00

Dundonian · 14/05/2022 01:22

Your husband is disgustingly abusive. You need to get yourself and your son away. Do you want your son to how up thinking this is normal, this is how men treat women?

Thank you for your message. You are right, I do not want him to grow up this is a way to treat a fellow human being. He comes from a broken home with lots of verbal abuse and I don't want to ruin my child's life.

OP posts:
Original poster
Kneedeepinit · 14/05/2022 07:01

Weatherwax13 · 14/05/2022 01:25

Abusive men seem to escalate their behaviour when a woman is vulnerable: specifically during pregnancy and after they have the baby.
This won't improve OP.
If you are in the fortunate position of having your own flat you should seriously consider moving there with your beautiful baby and divorcing that nasty bastard.
You can do a benefits calculation online to see what you'd be entitled to and I'd suggest seeing a solicitor to find out your financial rights should you end the marriage.
Do not under any circumstances let your husband find out that you're looking into these things. He could turn even more unpleasant.
You don't deserve this. And it will make for an unhappy childhood for that little boy you adore if you don't change things.

Thank you for your message. Yes I do need to step back and think of what I have that will help me secure a good future for our son. Its a shame that it has turned out like this

OP posts:
Original poster
Kneedeepinit · 14/05/2022 07:03

timeisnotaline · 14/05/2022 01:34

How much is in the joint account? I think you should transfer around 5k to yours on the day you move out back to your flat and divorce him.
make that 5500 to pay for a van and loading up your child’s cot, changing table etc. while he’s at work. Don’t tell him.
to help you decide call womens aid and tell them everything you’ve told us. They will also tell you this is abuse. He doesn’t love you and you should leave before he damages your child.

I don't know how much is in there. But I rather not use any of his money. Its just not in my nature to do that, maybe I'm weaknin that sense. I will call up womens aid and get some advice from them, thank you for the tip.

OP posts: