Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To dread my brother's girlfriend being there

96 replies

Brie86 · 13/05/2022 21:26

I've got a family BBQ tomorrow, about 10 of us. Brother's (29) girlfriend (27) is quite difficult and now makes me dread all family gatherings. She doesn't engage in any conversation, mostly sits in the corner and spends the entire time looking really bored, yawning, and on her phone. We have all been really friendly, (we're not a rowdy or rough bunch or anything) and encourage her to join conversations, but it's like she just doesn't want to talk to us, it's so odd. She comes across as snooty to be honest. Because I'm the only younger adult woman in the family (I'm 32) the responsibility to try and befriend her and be nice to her falls to me, but I can't be bothered to spend the energy making all the effort anymore, and she kind of makes things feel awkward. I just want to enjoy time with my family.

Also she's obsessive about Instagram and TikTok. She has about 3k followers on Insta and 9k on TikTok and seems to want everything to fit that influencer lifestyle/aesthetic. She regularly pops out, or goes to another room for 30+mins at a time to post photos and videos online. Our parents have a nice house and I've discovered that when she goes to visit/stay there she makes a lot of content and passes it off as her house!

I feel bad, aibu? Any suggestions for improving the situation?

OP posts:
MolliciousIntent · 13/05/2022 21:28

Meh, I wouldn't bother. Go to your family gathering and enjoy your family. If she wants to sit in a corner, let her.

rnsaslkih · 13/05/2022 21:29

Just ignore her

StoneofDestiny · 13/05/2022 21:30

Ignore her and get on with enjoying yourself - she clearly enjoys virtual life rather than real life

LightDrizzle · 13/05/2022 21:31

She does sound grim and dull. I'd just leave her to it, except for checking whether your parents are happy for their house to be used in that way.

You've tried, that was nice of you. I hasn't led her to participate so I don't think you have any further responsibility.

420Bruh · 13/05/2022 21:31

Ignore her she sounds very boring!

LampLighter414 · 13/05/2022 21:32

I don't get the concern? Just ignore her and talk to the rest of your family? Your Brother is there to look after her or answer any concerns from your family about where she's vanishing to

ScreamingMeMe · 13/05/2022 21:33

Because I'm the only younger adult woman in the family (I'm 32) the responsibility to try and befriend her and be nice to her falls to me

Why should it, though? And doesn't she also have a responsibility to befriend your family too?

It sounds like you've tried hard enough already. I'd just leave her to it, personally.

lisavanderpumpscloset · 13/05/2022 21:33

Be nice. Nothing more. If she chooses not to engage, accept it.

The responsibility falls to her and your brother, no one else.

GoldenLightNights · 13/05/2022 21:35

Let your brother deal with her!
You should just go and enjoy your family BBQ,
she’s not your responsibility.

Summerholidayorcovidagain · 13/05/2022 21:43

Follow her on Instagram and comment jokey that of course it isn't her house!!

MolkosTeenageAngst · 13/05/2022 21:46

I would just ignore her. It doesn’t sound like she’s doing anything actively difficult, sitting in the corner on her phone isn’t something I could get worked up about. Just socialise with the other 9 people there and leave her to it.

KrisAkabusi · 13/05/2022 21:48

I don't understand why you're bothered. Ignore her. If she wants to spend time on her phone, let her. If someone has to mind her, it's your brother's responsibility, not yours.

Fuckitydoodah · 13/05/2022 21:52

Apart from the social media stuff my DB girlfriend sounds very similar. I can't decide if she's shy or just rude. She owns a successful business and has staff/clients, so I'm thinking unlikely to be shy. It's like she just isn't interested in any of us and can't even be bothered to fake it. Talking to her is like getting blood out of stone.

I think I'll take the advice on this thread and stop trying to engage with her. Sounds like you need to do the same.

Kite22 · 13/05/2022 22:03

I would show your parents, and ask if they are comfortable with photos of their house being spread all over her social media - that is just an intrusion, and really crosses a line for me.

As far as the BBQ goes I would just ignore her if she chooses to be so rude. You've all tried, and she's choosing not to make any effort. It's not like she is 15 and a bit shy / insecure. She is clearly just rude. It isn't your responsibility, it is her's (or, to some extent, your brother's).

DonnyBurrito · 13/05/2022 22:22

Do you not have anyone a bit different in your family? We have a few very quiet ones, and we just let them get on with their thing. Families should be inclusive.

I know what you mean about the social pressure to hang out with the other women at gatherings though, and how awful it is when you would actively avoid them in any other scenario. She obviously doesn't want to hang out with you either though, so I think you're off the hook.

Circumferences · 13/05/2022 22:28

Yeah I wouldn't give this a y head space I'd just think "oh DB's GF is coming who never says much and is glued to her smartphone. She seems happy to crack on with that, and I'll have a nice time with my family".

Are you a bit disappointed because you think a DB GF is someone you'd like to be friends with and you're missing out on that because she's so rude?

Notimeforaname · 13/05/2022 22:32

I too would just ignore her.

If anyone tells you to talk to her ignore them to. Or tell then they can speak with her.

Not your problem, she's a grown woman and doesn't want to engage. So leave it at that

Leeds2 · 13/05/2022 22:53

Another one saying just leave her to do her own thing. Your brother can look after her if she needs looking after. Given that you have tried, numerous times, to make conversation and she is clearly not interested, I don't think you would be being rude, as long as you respond should she try to initiate any conversation.

FlissyPaps · 13/05/2022 23:02

I voted YABU because I don’t see how someone sitting in a corner keeping themselves to themselves can annoy you.

Now if it was the opposite and she was loud & obnoxious I’d see why it would annoy you.

Its not your responsibility to befriend her. If you’ve tried and she hasn’t shown interest then that’s fine, it’s not your fault she’d rather sit in a corner on her phone.

Pretend she’s not there, and enjoy time with your family. Bit weird to dread going over someone like that.

Original poster
Brie86 · 13/05/2022 23:24

I'm very conscious of people feeling left out and I wouldn't like someone to feel like that. It bothers me. But maybe some of you are right. Perhap's she's happiest sitting on her own staring at her phone and I won't bother any more.

We can't exactly just completely ignore someone in our home. To be honest, I think she's a bit rude but trying to stay open minded. I'm an introvert and can't say I love other families' socials, but I'd never go to my partner's family gatherings and not say a word to anyone. My parents are very generous and welcoming and she doesn't seem one bit appreciative. Never offers any help or anything. She sort of acts like a disapproving VIP guest that we can never please.

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 13/05/2022 23:25

Well, for one thing she's rude.
For another, it's your brother's problem. Has anyone spoken to him about it?

And lastly, if I were your parents I wouldn't want my home all over someone's SM so I'd be asking her to stop and take down what's already up.

Original poster
Brie86 · 13/05/2022 23:31

Circumferences · 13/05/2022 22:28

Yeah I wouldn't give this a y head space I'd just think "oh DB's GF is coming who never says much and is glued to her smartphone. She seems happy to crack on with that, and I'll have a nice time with my family".

Are you a bit disappointed because you think a DB GF is someone you'd like to be friends with and you're missing out on that because she's so rude?

Maybe I am disappointed about that. And also my brother is very friendly, kind, outgoing and fun, and she just seems... dull and snooty. He's had a couple of lovely gfs in the past. I genuinely feel horrible feeling this way, but I can't help it. I don't know why but its really bothering me. I wish it didn't!

OP posts:
FlissyPaps · 13/05/2022 23:39

We can't exactly just completely ignore someone in our home

Don’t ignore her then. Engage in conversation and if she ignores you and just sits on her phone then you can’t feel bothered if you think she’s left out.

Can you invite her to do something just the two of you? Ask her if she’d like to accompany you to the local shop to buy a few bits for the BBQ. Say you’ll need an extra pair of hands to carry the bags. Or ask if she wants to make some cocktails with you in the kitchen. Something to break the ice. She may be painfully shy and suffer with social anxiety, so might be more comfortable and chatty in a smaller group setting.

Never offers any help or anything

What would you want her to help with? Cleaning? Tidying? Serving people food?

If she came over to my house I’d see her as a guest. I’d appreciate and be grateful with help tidying up but I wouldn’t expect it from guests. I’d just want everybody to enjoy themselves and not make too much of a mess. (I.e put their paper plate in the binbag as I come round with it).

But in all honestly OP, don’t let her existence get to you. Be civil and polite, but if she’s rude to you and your parents and doesn’t show any interest in engaging with you then leave her to it.

Hurstlandshome · 13/05/2022 23:42

I could be off here and no intention to offend but it sounds like there may be a little jealousy there/or threatened in some way...I don't know, mentioning how many followers she has etc. Like I said, I could be off but it does sound like you're reaching for things to not like about her. Or maybe she's just not your cup of tea.

Original poster
Brie86 · 13/05/2022 23:48

Fuckitydoodah · 13/05/2022 21:52

Apart from the social media stuff my DB girlfriend sounds very similar. I can't decide if she's shy or just rude. She owns a successful business and has staff/clients, so I'm thinking unlikely to be shy. It's like she just isn't interested in any of us and can't even be bothered to fake it. Talking to her is like getting blood out of stone.

I think I'll take the advice on this thread and stop trying to engage with her. Sounds like you need to do the same.

Yes this is the impression I get too. I dont think she's particularly shy, she also works in a very client facing field, is into all that hustle culture stuff, and is an organiser of some women's business network. (I've only found most of this out through my brother and social media). It annoys me, and saddens me, that someone would so overtly detest spending time with us, while taking advantage of my parents and our family home as the backdrop for her influencer fantasies. I'd rather she just didn't come. It's a bit of an elephant in the room when someone who clearly hates you all is just...there.

OP posts: