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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To dread my brother's girlfriend being there

96 replies

Brie86 · 13/05/2022 21:26

I've got a family BBQ tomorrow, about 10 of us. Brother's (29) girlfriend (27) is quite difficult and now makes me dread all family gatherings. She doesn't engage in any conversation, mostly sits in the corner and spends the entire time looking really bored, yawning, and on her phone. We have all been really friendly, (we're not a rowdy or rough bunch or anything) and encourage her to join conversations, but it's like she just doesn't want to talk to us, it's so odd. She comes across as snooty to be honest. Because I'm the only younger adult woman in the family (I'm 32) the responsibility to try and befriend her and be nice to her falls to me, but I can't be bothered to spend the energy making all the effort anymore, and she kind of makes things feel awkward. I just want to enjoy time with my family.

Also she's obsessive about Instagram and TikTok. She has about 3k followers on Insta and 9k on TikTok and seems to want everything to fit that influencer lifestyle/aesthetic. She regularly pops out, or goes to another room for 30+mins at a time to post photos and videos online. Our parents have a nice house and I've discovered that when she goes to visit/stay there she makes a lot of content and passes it off as her house!

I feel bad, aibu? Any suggestions for improving the situation?

OP posts:
isthismylifenow · 14/05/2022 07:47

Tell your parents to turn off the wifi...

Gilmorehill · 14/05/2022 07:52

Do your dps know she posts pictures of their home? I’d be livid.

Mummymummam · 14/05/2022 07:53

I know how you feel. My ex would come to my family gatherings and always sit in the corner with his arms crossed. He wouldn't talk to anyone. About an hour I'm like clockwork he would shout over to me that he's got a headache. And then every 10 mins after that he'd shout over from his little corner could we go home. (I was the only one who had a car)

Bought the vibe right down everyone was awkward because of it. And I talked to him about it a lot, always carried parecetomol! Tried to agree a time we could leave. So no excuse. But he never changed.

The responsibility is for her and then your brother should be talking to her not you

MrsGinaHarrison87 · 14/05/2022 07:56

I've met people like this and I wonder if it's deep shyness or social awkwardness but it comes off rude. Either way though, it's hard work. If you've been friendly and tried to engage her in conversation, you've done your part and the rest isn't down to you.

Soontobe60 · 14/05/2022 08:02

Summerholidayorcovidagain · 13/05/2022 21:43

Follow her on Instagram and comment jokey that of course it isn't her house!!

I think I’d do this too…
‘oooh so nice of you to post a pic of my mum’s new kitchen’ type of comment

rookiemere · 14/05/2022 08:09

I'd just ignore her beyond required social niceties. She's not your problem and just because of your age and gender it's not up to you to look after her.

Pottedpalm · 14/05/2022 08:12

All this sort of thing makes me glad I don’t give a rat’s piss about ‘influencers’ and this whole insta-culture. No one can influence you if you choose not to let them. I’m old enough to have lived much of my life without social media and whilst I enjoy the ease of communication it allows, I deplore it’s effect on the mental
health of those who become too absorbed.
Put the phones down, people, and enjoy what’s happening without having to share it with ‘followers’ who are not actually interested.

Blaze1886 · 14/05/2022 08:12

I would say hello and then ignore her

If she's so boring why does she have thousands of people following her!?

gunnersgold · 14/05/2022 08:16

Amazing how someone with zero social skills can have 3k followers and prefer to be someone else on social media ..
interesting world we live in now !

FrankRattlesnake · 14/05/2022 08:20

take a big step back and ignore. It’s for your brother to address as she is clearly being rude in your parents house. However, if your parents feel the same they are also adults and as it is there home could approach the issue about rudeness and the social media posts (I’d personally be furious about that).

i find it very weird that these ‘influencers’ who are after all the follows have such a lack of ability to actually interact in the flesh (obviously that is a sweeping statement and not intended to offend anyone who has genuine issues).

she clearly feels she is more important than everyone else which is such an awful personality trait. Let her get on with it and wait for the mn post about being ignored!

seven201 · 14/05/2022 08:24

Have you asked your brother about it?

Beautiful3 · 14/05/2022 08:40

Just say hello, ignore her and say bye when they're/ you're leaving. You don't have to engage with her, she's not interested.

KalaniM · 14/05/2022 08:57

I would open this issue up, tell your parents about the use of their house on her Instagram, and tell your brother how uncomfortable you feel about her failure to integrate. It’s a bigger conversation than just you in your head or with us!

SpeedofaSloth · 14/05/2022 09:07

Just leave her to it. She's not your responsibility.

boronia · 14/05/2022 10:23

Very rude. She sounds painful.
Just let her sit in the corner.
I'd be commenting on the IG if she's showing your parents' house saying " I love that vase, Mum's had it for years" or " isn't that lovely light in Dad's study,"

Dasher789 · 14/05/2022 10:26

My friend is a hairdresser, a while ago, pre covid, a girl booked in with her via Instagram. Both my friend and the girl have Instagram pages with just under 10k followers. My friend looked at the girls page and it was the usual glam, designer and perfect life, loads of trips and friends. So anyway the girl comes to get her haircut and basically sits there not saying a word or answering conversation starters with one word. My hairdresser friend is so chatty, so outgoing and can really bring anyone out of their shell, it's part of her job! After the hair cut the girl said she was happy etc and off she goes. Later on my friend is tagged in an Instagram post and a thread if stories about what a ball she had in the salon and that she loves her hair etc. Sometimes I wonder if social media is taking away people's ability to socially interact in real life.

Cherrysoup · 14/05/2022 10:32

Stop making an effort with her. I don’t see why you bother if she can’t be arsed to even try. This whole ‘women must make the effort and be polite’ is a nonsense if the other person isn’t responding.

I’d be a cow and follow her social media to comment on her use of your parents’ house, maybe have a word with your brother to stop her. It’s very inappropriate.

Original poster
Brie86 · 14/05/2022 12:19

I haven't mentioned the fact she's using my parents' house as a set for her social media posts to my parents or anyone in my family. I dont want to stir anything up and also looks weird that I've been checking her out online.

I'm going to take a totally different approach with her today then. Will just be polite and say hello but otherwise won't engage with her at all.

OP posts:
burnoutbabe · 14/05/2022 12:25

why would it be weird to follow your brothers girlfriend on social media? i mean its the friendly thing to do? i follow my brother and sister in law and we all like each others posts.

I'd more ask my brother WHY does he drag her along when she appears to not enjoy being there, why isn't she allowed to stay at home?

honeylulu · 14/05/2022 12:45

She sounds boring, vacuous and rude. I'd greet her politely but otherwise not make any special effort from now on.
It doesn't sound like shyness. I'm quiet and shy and can feel awkward in new company but if someone chats to me and makes the effort to bring me into the conversation or feel at ease in any other way, I will be delighted and respond accordingly. I think you are right that she just doesn't want to be there, except to skulk around gathering "content" for her social media.

JacquelineCarlyle · 14/05/2022 12:46

I agree with @honeylulu

Be polite and friendly when they arrive and then leave her to it. You enjoy yourself and ignore her.

Original poster
Brie86 · 14/05/2022 12:51

Dasher789 · 14/05/2022 10:26

My friend is a hairdresser, a while ago, pre covid, a girl booked in with her via Instagram. Both my friend and the girl have Instagram pages with just under 10k followers. My friend looked at the girls page and it was the usual glam, designer and perfect life, loads of trips and friends. So anyway the girl comes to get her haircut and basically sits there not saying a word or answering conversation starters with one word. My hairdresser friend is so chatty, so outgoing and can really bring anyone out of their shell, it's part of her job! After the hair cut the girl said she was happy etc and off she goes. Later on my friend is tagged in an Instagram post and a thread if stories about what a ball she had in the salon and that she loves her hair etc. Sometimes I wonder if social media is taking away people's ability to socially interact in real life.

Yes this! It's so strange isnt it? For example, there was a small, quite casual family wedding in March, she barely said a word to a soul all day, looked thoroughly miserable. Didn't touch her food because she'd decided to go vegan a week before and didn't tell anyone (another story!). The next day she was gushing on social about what a beautiful wedding she'd been to, what a brilliant day it was and wishing the 'wonderful happy couple' a great life together, with photos of the bride and groom (my cousin) - she's barely ever said hi to them. The venue was VERY Instagramable. I just can't get my head around it.

OP posts:
whenwilliwillibefamous · 14/05/2022 12:52

Look at this another way, OP.
Imagine a male colleague is telling you this, about his sister's boyfriend.
You would expect him to just shrug and say,
"I tried to, you know, talk to him, but he keeps schtum and then goes off to video himself in bits of the house to make out it's his place, so, basically, he's an arse and I don't bother with him any more".
You wouldn't think twice if you heard that!

It is no different because you are both women

Just let her get on with whatever and have a nice time yourself. It's one thing to make an effort where it's appreciated, but pointless if it's not!

rookiemere · 14/05/2022 13:20

@Brie86 I bet when you ignore her, she'll start making conversation with you.

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 14/05/2022 13:28

Brie86 · 13/05/2022 23:24

I'm very conscious of people feeling left out and I wouldn't like someone to feel like that. It bothers me. But maybe some of you are right. Perhap's she's happiest sitting on her own staring at her phone and I won't bother any more.

We can't exactly just completely ignore someone in our home. To be honest, I think she's a bit rude but trying to stay open minded. I'm an introvert and can't say I love other families' socials, but I'd never go to my partner's family gatherings and not say a word to anyone. My parents are very generous and welcoming and she doesn't seem one bit appreciative. Never offers any help or anything. She sort of acts like a disapproving VIP guest that we can never please.

The thing is, you’re not leaving her out - she’s leaving herself out. You can’t force someone to enjoy themselves or even just participate.

As for her being like a guest who it’s impossible to please, take the positive from this and please yourself instead. If nothing you do will please her, you may as well just do what works for you - that way at least one of you will be happy.