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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

if I go ape at my mother over this? (disclaimer - there will be swearing)

104 replies

bohemianbint · 11/01/2008 16:39

Right, I'm 8 weeks pregnant today and we told immediate family under specific instructions not to tell anyone else for the time being, as we wanted to wait until 12 weeks-ish to tell the wider world.

I know my mum told people on New Years Eve, which annoyed us massively and I told her to make sure she didn't tell anyone else.

I was just in tesco, and not a word of a lie, the fecking trolley bloke comes up and congratulates me - he said my mum's told him. I was so angry I was shaking and now I'm still shaking but I could cry. DP hasn't even told his grandparents yet FFS! I know some people think it's not a big deal telling everyone, but it was a big deal to us and we told family not to tell anyone. It just shows such a lack of respect.

I am thinking I'm probably just going to call her up and go fecking mental at her but I'm venting here first to make sure I don't go overboard.

I'm not being unreasonable, this is well out of order isn't it?!

OP posts:

calzone · 11/01/2008 16:43

Well, I do understand but she was probably so excited she just couldnt help herself.

It doesnt really matter does it?

My SIL was told about a girl who was PG and my SIL knows the girls MIL. SIL congratulated MIL on being a Granny again and POOR POOR MIL HADNT BEEN TOLD HER DIL WAS PREGNANT!!

Now THAT is awful.

Dont go mad with your Mum as it might spoil it for her and if you didnt want people to know then you shouldnt have told your Mum.

Original poster

bohemianbint · 11/01/2008 16:43

Oh, and to make things worse we're supposed to be going round there for lunch tomorrow for my cousin's birthday, but I'm so bloody annoyed I don't want to go anywhere near. (I know I'm being a bit unreasonable on that score, it's just how I fell right now.)

OP posts:

juliewoolie · 11/01/2008 16:43

Deep breath my lovely, she is prob excited but i do agree with you I would be spitting mad.

princessosyth · 11/01/2008 16:43

Thats mum's for you! I wouldn't bother going mad at her, life is too short she was was probably just over excited and you can't control a blabbermouth. When my sil told my mil that she was pregnant I was in the room with my mil and my mil said "don't tell the other set of grandparents it is early days, and I am your mum and it is different". She then got off the telephone and literally started knocking on the neighbours door and telling them!

Original poster

bohemianbint · 11/01/2008 16:44

Calzone - seriously? Despite the fact that I've already told her to stop telling people? Comes to something when you can't trust your own mother, surely...

OP posts:

chipmonkey · 11/01/2008 16:45

YANBU. I know she's exctied about being a granny but the trolley bloke!!!!!!!! Our ds2 told the creche manager and bus driver when I was 6 weeks, specifically he told them that I was having a new baby and was vomiting a lot, but he's only 9. I would expect better from an adult
Congratulations by the way!

Rantmum · 11/01/2008 16:46

I don't think that yabu, but at the same time I am sure that your mother is simply unable to contain her excitement so spreading the news is unlikely to be about undermining you (unless she has a history of that, in which case you may have just learned a hard lesson about confiding in your Mum).

If you have a good relationship perhaps you should just give yourself time to calm down and then explain to her that you understand that it is fantastic news, but you did explicitly ask her to keep it quiet for now and you are questioning whether you can tell her things like this in the future. But I would avoid too much anger, because in my experience Mum's are quite useful help during pgy and early newborn life...

Sorry if that is not much help. And CONGRATULATIONS btw!

peatbogfaerie · 11/01/2008 16:47

grrrr, bohemian, that would make me angry. I lost 2 babies at about 10 weeks, and would have been mighty upset having to explain to Mr Tesco Trolley why there was no bump/baby over the next few months.

Tell her how you feel, but try to stay calm. difficult, I know ...

PurlyQueen · 11/01/2008 16:47

That is disgraceful of your mum to do that - she is probably excited at being a grandma but that does not excuse her telling all and sundry in the early days of your pregnancy.

But don't go too overboard at your mum, you need to conserve all your energies for the baby.

Call her this evening once you have calmed down a bit. Tell her that she mustn't tell everyone your news yet because if (heaven forbid) anything went wrong, you don't want strangers coming up to you and asking about the baby.

If that fails, then tell her that if anything happens, she can go round and tell everyone she's blabbed to.

PurlyQueen · 11/01/2008 16:49

And if you can't rely on your mum to ... well ... keep mum, then who can you trust?

calzone · 11/01/2008 16:49

Seriously.

Life is too short to be that cross with your Mum about her telling people about being a granny.

I can never understand why people want to get to the 12 week mark before they tell others. If something awful was to happen before that time then surely you would want support from the family.

Be nice to your Mum or you will spoil the moment for her.

snowleopard · 11/01/2008 16:51

I would be mad too. But some people can't keep a secret. Don't be too awful to her but I would gently say that you told her in confidence and if you can't trust her you will not be able to tell her secrets again. That might sink in a bit.

Original poster

bohemianbint · 11/01/2008 16:52

I do want support from my family - but what I don't want is if (god forbid) anything should go wrong, to have to update everyone INCLUDING THE FUCKING TROLLEY BLOKE!!

Sorry, I just feel seriously aggrieved about this. I just feel like what we want and choose as parents gets ridden over roughshod by my parents who make my life hell if I don't do things their way - it's really not fucking fair and I have to start drawing some lines that they have to stop crossing.

OP posts:

snowleopard · 11/01/2008 16:52

Yes support from the family - not the trolley bloke! That's exactly why I would want to tell only family and want them to keep quiet.

Original poster

bohemianbint · 11/01/2008 16:53

thanks for all the support and congrats by the way!

OP posts:

snowleopard · 11/01/2008 16:53

x-post!

DontCallMeBaby · 11/01/2008 16:53

Yeah, you'd want support from the family. NOT from the Tesco trolley bloke.

Wisteria · 11/01/2008 16:54

Oh I would be extremely annoyed as well; don't know about really venting off at her though- as it probably won't achieve anything in the long run but I wouldn't tell her anything else you want kept a secret .
I think I would tell her about your encounter with trolley man and mention how angry and upset you are, but it's not worth falling out over; at least you've now learned that you can't trust her.

It is well out of order and YANBU - there are good reasons for not telling the world before the 3 months are up and you would have thought that your Mum would understand this.

DontCallMeBaby · 11/01/2008 16:54

Sigh, encore du x-post.

Original poster

bohemianbint · 11/01/2008 16:57

Problem is, it takes a fair bit for me to get angry and as a result, quite a long time to cool down; I'm not really good at pretending not to be totally pissed off when I am. It's just another awkward conversation I'd rather not have to have. Honestly, this has really stressed me out.

OP posts:

AngharadGoldenhand · 11/01/2008 16:58

Yes, out of order.
That's why I didn't tell anybody until 4 months (just about starting to show then).

Original poster

bohemianbint · 11/01/2008 17:01

I'm telling no one nowt next time. Which seems a shame, but still. I think if it hadn't been Christmas we would have waited longer in telling family, but it really is a pita to hide at that time of year.

OP posts:

PortAndLemonaid · 11/01/2008 17:02

calzone, I've had two early miscarriages, kept them between me and DH, and that's the way I prefer it -- which is why I don't tell people before the 12/13 week scan. Different people like to handle things in different ways.

bohemianbint, I would be livid as well but I don't think going ape at her will achieve anything. I would let her know you are upset, though, but in a more restrained manner, e.g.

"Mum, you know we told you around Christmas that I was pregnant and asked you not to tell anyone?"
"And you remember that you told people at New Year's Eve, and I was very upset and asked you again to keep it to yourself?"
"Can you explain to me why the trolley bloke in Tesco's just congratulated me on my pregnancy?"
"I feel very upset and disappointed. I thought DP and I could rely on you."

Wisteria · 11/01/2008 17:03

My friends FIL put it into his speech at their wedding which she was mega cross about, but didn't want to have a blazing row with him there and then as there were photos being taken!

I'll never forget seeing her face drop as she realised that her precious secret had just been announced .

Emprexia · 11/01/2008 17:04

lmao.. surely you know that the chief Trolley Bloke at Tesco is the source of ALL Gossip!!

Well.. the one at my tesco is anyway.. what he doesn't know about everyone else isn't worth knowing.

YANBU, and i'm sorry your mom can't keep a lid on it until you give her the all clear.

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