if I go ape at my mother over this? (disclaimer - there will be swearing)

[bohemianbint]

Right, I'm 8 weeks pregnant today and we told immediate family under specific instructions not to tell anyone else for the time being, as we wanted to wait until 12 weeks-ish to tell the wider world.

I know my mum told people on New Years Eve, which annoyed us massively and I told her to make sure she didn't tell anyone else.

I was just in tesco, and not a word of a lie, the fecking trolley bloke comes up and congratulates me - he said my mum's told him. I was so angry I was shaking and now I'm still shaking but I could cry. DP hasn't even told his grandparents yet FFS! I know some people think it's not a big deal telling everyone, but it was a big deal to us and we told family not to tell anyone. It just shows such a lack of respect.

I am thinking I'm probably just going to call her up and go fecking mental at her but I'm venting here first to make sure I don't go overboard.

I'm not being unreasonable, this is well out of order isn't it?!

YANBU, at all. Was in a similar situation during my first pregnancy, PILS announced our news to all and sundry, despite being asked to keep it to themselves. Sadly I later miscarried.
Next times round, they have not been told til after 14 weeks.

Congrats! I didnt tell me my mother in law as knew she would tell everyone. My mum did the test with me but she can keep a secret. Yo uhave every right to be angry - its your baby and your news not mils.

COngrats on the pregnancy hope you have a fantastic one

YANBU my mother AND mil do this to me and it drives me mad. I tell them nothing now unless I really have to as everyone and their auntie will know within the hour.
I have actually told my dad to keep an eye on my mum when I have told her something and threatened her with confiscation of her phone if I catch her even looking up certain relatives numbers.

You have my total sympathies. I used to just let it slide but they do it soooo much that every bit of information I find out they have passed on I am on them because one day they will get the hang of not telling everyone my private business.

Congratulations on your pg ...
But I am afraid to say that I may the the first to say that I think you are being a bit unreasonable. Your poor mum ... she is so excited about your pregnancy - she may only have told one person and that person told someone else and that person told the trolley bloke (sorry but I laughed out loud at that bit - sorry )
If you have a 'secret' and don't want to tell it to anyone then don't tell it to anyone ... even close family ... sorry but it is unfair to entrust secrets to people and expect them to keep their mouths shut.

But then that is the way I have always seen secrets ...

When we told my parents about my pregnancies I hoped they wouldn't tell and I didn't want them to tell (and to be fair they did keep shtum) but I wouldn't have blamed anyone else but myself if they had let the cat out the bag.

Twice last year my MIL has rung me up up to let me know that she 'thinks' SIL is pregnant. And that I am not to tell SIL that I know. And twice MIL has phoned me to tell me that SIL has lost the baby ... and I am not to tell SIL that I knew she was pg or that I know that she has miscarried ... so I can't comfort her or anything. That is hard.
I have told MIL that I don't want to know next time until the time I am allowed to know. It is hard to speak to someone on the phone and know their heartbreak without comforting them.

I've posted about this on another thread - but it took a LOT of fertility treatment for me to get pregnant. At the time, everyone thought that we didn't want children (which was fine by us, it took some of the pressure off). If I'd had a MC and everyone knew, then not only would I have to deal with the MC, I would have had to have dealt with the aftermath where everyone wondered why we didn't have another one, and found out about the infertility. There are VERY good reasons to keep early pregnancy quiet.
I think it's crazy that a grown adult can't/shouldn't be expected to keep their mouth shut.

i dont think yabu and i understand where your coming from but its done now and like others have said she was probably just really excited!is this your first?i think a big arguement will do nothing but make you madder which cant be good for the baby!

we live in tiny place and i swear everyone know i was pregnant before i did!

bohemianbint- I understand why you are so angry. We told my mother in law when I was about 7 weeks pregnant. When I was 12 weeks pregnant we visited some of dh's cousins with the intention of telling them our news. Before we even said anything, they congratulated us! It turns out the whole of the extended family knew, and had known for several weeks.

It did take the joy out of telling people our good news - and I was cross with my mil, but didn't actually say anything to her about it. We've just been incredibly careful about confiding in her since then.

YANBU

I would be furious. My mother would never put her own pleasure before causing me upset or pain.

You confided in her for support
She agreed not to tell
She broke your confidence
Was told how much this upset you
AND THEN DID IT AGAIN

I told my parents when I was 7 weeks pg. And found out at 8 weeks that I carried a horrible genetic defect. And then had to endure an agonising wait, an amniocentesis and more waiting.

At 18 weeks we finally knew things would be OK.

My mum and Dad kept things to themselves. I'm sure my mum was desperate to tell. But she knew my wishes and would never have added to my pain.

I was lucky. But if I had needed to face the most difficult decision of my life, do you think I would have wanted anyone else to know?

Damn right.

Talk to your mum. Tell her she has hurt you. Let her apologise. Forgive her if you can.

But learn not to confide in her anything of this magnitude again.

and, congratulations on the pg!

That should read "damn right I wouldn't"

obviously!

just another thought. sometimes when you say 'don't tell anyone', people interpret that as 'don't tell anyone i know'.

My gut response is that OP and those who agree with her are being precious.
If OP's mum actually committed to keep quiet fair enough, but otherwise if she didn't promise, she hasn't let OP down. I love the "specific instructions not to tell anyone" -- not sure my mother ever followed anybody's instructions! They're our mums, not our kids. They have their own free will.
Compared to all the things that can go terribly wrong in pregnancy and child-rearing, this is pretty small beer...

Flack - did you read my post? You honestly think that this opinion is "precious"?

yes but flack what if things then do go wrong?

I'm just had two miscarraiges at around 7 weeks. I'm so glad we hadn't told everyone I was pregnant, and we certainly made sure we didn't tell my mother in law this time, because I really wouldn't want the whole extended family knowing about my miscarraiges.

It is irrelevant as to whether or not I have had miscarriages but as a matter of fact I have.

If you dont want people to know then dont tell them.

Simple as that.

She shouldnt have told her Mum as her Mum was so excited she couldnt keep the news to herself.

If OP goes off on one at her Mum it will not achieve anything, the news is still out and the OP will get stressed and get high blood pressure.

She did want people to know
she wanted her mum to know
and no-one else

is she not entitled to the support of her mum at such an important time?

do you personally continue to hurt people and betray confidences over and over again?

I needed my mum during the first 4 months when I didn't know whether I would lose my baby any minute.

And when I had nightmares and anxiety attacks about whether I might end up consideration a late termination.

If she had told anyone it would have made an unbearable situation worse.

If you make it clear to someone that it is your wish that no one else be told. Then, if they do, it is a lack of respect.
It is that simple.

And lots of people chose to tell everyone befor they are 12 weeks. That is fine. Itis persoanl choice.
But it is a fact , and all the miscarriage leaflets clearly state that after 12 weeks the risk is 'reduced'.
That is the main reason , I think why people wait.
And lots of lots of people do miscarry.
And it is upseting.
Check out the 100's of mumsnet threads on this.
So to take the decision into your own hands, when it has clearly been asked not to tell, is ..........
i don't know what the word is....
And this is not just about pregnancy, or miscarriage, it is about any subject.
If someone asks you not to tell.
It is a violation of trust, if you do.
It really is.

Can you not keep something to yourself ?
I can. My bf can. My mum can.
It is a basic skill.

well said, oblomov

you've expressed it far better then me Oblomov.

Thank you

YANBU

however I think you need to be a bit more realistic about your mother in future

I know full well what mine is like - told her LAST this time because I wanted to make damn sure it was me who told everyone - first thing she said on hearing my sister already knew was "oh and she never even phoned me!" I told her why I had left it till last to tell her, and she said "oh but I wouldn't have TOLD them. I mean, I probably would have just said something like "you will be pleased to see Franny as she has some very GOOD NEWS to tell you" "

The original question was

'Am I being unreasonable if I go ape at my mother for this?'

and I do think 'yes'. I know how the OP feels as my mother did the same but I knew how excited she was and it just wasnt worth falling out about it.

Of course I can keep a secret. My SIL told me months before she told anyone else and I didnt say a word. This is irrelevant.

I am thinking of the long term damage of her screaming at her mother and taking the edge of the pregnancy for both of them.

I think a lot of you are over reacting to this.