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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

if I go ape at my mother over this? (disclaimer - there will be swearing)

104 replies

bohemianbint · 11/01/2008 16:39

Right, I'm 8 weeks pregnant today and we told immediate family under specific instructions not to tell anyone else for the time being, as we wanted to wait until 12 weeks-ish to tell the wider world.

I know my mum told people on New Years Eve, which annoyed us massively and I told her to make sure she didn't tell anyone else.

I was just in tesco, and not a word of a lie, the fecking trolley bloke comes up and congratulates me - he said my mum's told him. I was so angry I was shaking and now I'm still shaking but I could cry. DP hasn't even told his grandparents yet FFS! I know some people think it's not a big deal telling everyone, but it was a big deal to us and we told family not to tell anyone. It just shows such a lack of respect.

I am thinking I'm probably just going to call her up and go fecking mental at her but I'm venting here first to make sure I don't go overboard.

I'm not being unreasonable, this is well out of order isn't it?!

OP posts:
agnesnitt · 12/01/2008 18:39

Why is it unreasonable to make a point? 'Going ape' doesn't have to be as brutal as it sounds, it could just indicate that a fair amount of draconian 'shut the hell up and listen' needs to take place. The mother of the original poster had absolutely no right to spread that news, and should be told so in no uncertain terms. If it's not dealt with she might do it again which to be frank would be even more deplorable as she knows that she is wrong.

Yes, grandparents-to-be get excited, but it's not their pregnancy. Keeping their news to themselves is courteous, and allows the mum-to-be to have her moment when she wants to have it. Current society places far too much emphasis on 'grandparental this, that and the other'. They're grandparents and they've made their parenting decisions, they should go with the flow, not expect their children to do so.

Is it really so hard to understand?

Agnes

flack · 12/01/2008 18:48

That's just it, truffle. In your situation, had you ended up terminating, the agony of that experience would have obliterated the triviality of who ever knew about it.
Ironic, I know someone who didn't start to find out her fetus had severe abnormalities until the 20 week scan. By then, of course, everyone knew she was pregnant, so her agony and deep grief over what to do in the following weeks, trying to get a full diagnosis, was a very public affair. The 12 week threshold is not as secure as many people think.

ItsGrimUpNorth · 12/01/2008 18:49

Blabbing someone else's news is a big deal. Especially if asked to keep your mouth shut.

I don't know that "going ape" is the answer. But I'd definitely be very chilly about it and would never tell your mum anything in confidence again. Has she let you down about this before?

I always keep schtum about my pregnancies until maybe 16 weeks. This is so that I can also fib about the due date telling everyone I'm only 12 weeks, ensuring I can labour and have my baby in peace without texts, calls etc. NOt sure I'll be able to carry it off with baby No. 3 should there be one.

flack · 12/01/2008 18:55

I truly envy people whose parents reliably treat them with courtesy and respect. Judging from many threads on MN, this is quite unusual, though.
Not claiming I'll be any better with my offspring, either.

dejags · 12/01/2008 19:10

A friend did this to me. I was upset but no in the "I'll rip her head off type of way" that you seem to be with your Mum BB.

I rang her up and said in a pleasant way "I've got a bone to pick with you... blah... blah... you told other people my news... blah... blah... and I am pretty pissed off".

Guess what, she was absolutely and utterly mortified. She apologised profusely, she just didn't think it was a huge issue until I pointed it out.

I know your told your Mum not to say anything, but cut her a little slack. She's excited about the news... a bit kid in the candy store-ish, but totally not worth falling out over (IMO).

warthog · 12/01/2008 19:27

yatotallynbu!!! i would be spitting with rage.

shows total lack of respect. now you know you can't trust her with really important info.

i'd tell the trolley man you're actually having triplets and see how long it takes to filter to your mum.

poppy34 · 12/01/2008 19:51

yanbu at all -its your news to tell when and if you like and as you've already told her to keep quiet its a bit much. I would say something about how she has broken your trust but I'd try to do it in a measured way (as has already

Flack is right that you've got every right to want to keep things confidential - I've been in the position of finding out at 20 week scan that things weren't right and I can tell you its agony knowing that everyone knows it went wrong. Therefore its perfectly reasonable to keep schtum til 12 weeks given the risks associated (have had 2 m/c too and found it much easier to deal with those as people didnt

ghosty · 12/01/2008 21:15

I am sitting firmly in Calzone's camp. I think getting very upset about this is blowing it all out of proportion and you should cut your mum a little slack. She may only have told one person she 'trusted' not to tell ... and then that person said to someone 'they' trusted, "Don't tell anyone but bohemianbint's pregnant - I heard it from a friend of her Mum's" ...
A classic classic case of rumours and whispers ....
Tis the way of the world I am afraid.
BTW, FWIW my sister told me that she was pregnant at 9 weeks and I had to feign surprise when she and her DH phoned me to tell me the 'news' at 13 weeks ... so I CAN be trusted with a secret ...
But I still think that if you have a secret and you want to be totally sure of no one finding out, DON'T TELL ANYONE ... If you DO tell someone you will always run a tiny risk of the secret getting out ...
Yes, annoying, upsetting etc but no need to 'go ape' at all. Just tell her that perhaps next time you won't tell your mum so that you can tell everyone else yourself ...

agnesnitt · 12/01/2008 21:18

There is no excuse for breaking this sort of confidentiality. None. Cut the mother no slack, she was crap and should know it.

Agnes

ghosty · 12/01/2008 21:21

I disagree with you agnes. Sorry.
Tell the mother she has upset you, let her apologise and MOVE ON ....

calzone · 12/01/2008 22:19

yep...agree with ghosty....let it go.....

FrannyandZooey · 12/01/2008 22:28

Nah, bint's mother had personally told the trolley man herself, she hasn't told one person and they have passed it on

reread the op, she has obviously told the whooooole blinking world

agnesnitt · 12/01/2008 22:55

I'm not saying fall out over it, I'm saying that she should be made aware of the fact that she cannot do stuff like that. It was not her secret to share. She should have kept her counsel.

Agnes

dippydeedoo · 12/01/2008 23:02

at risk of being the odd one out i had no mum or mum in law to be excited for our babies.....i know its not what you want to hear but dont get mad just accept your mum let her mouth run away with her youre blessed that shes so happy for you and blessed your baby will have such a excitable grandma ......enjoy your pregnancy you must be a nice person if the trolley bloke even congratulated you .......good luck xxxxx

tinx · 12/01/2008 23:08

yes i agree with dippydeedoo just be happy you have her but if you must say something maybe say i wasnt to happy you told the whole of the super market but in a calm and nice way as was said before life is too short .

ghosty · 12/01/2008 23:44

Nice post dippydeedoo ...
Franny, so she told the whole world ... let's lynch the poor lady for being excited and delighted she is going to be a granny ...

Seriously though, Bint, just let it go, take a deep breath, let your mum know she has upset you and you will think twice next time but let it go - don't let it spoil your pregnancy ... look after yourself, that is the main thing isn't it?

ninedragons · 13/01/2008 02:51

Two people can keep a secret if one of them is dead, as the saying goes.

You're not being unreasonable, but perhaps consider yourself lucky to have had this reminder of what she's like. I wouldn't go telling her my list of possible names, for instance, or you'll find out that the trolley boy went to school with a Charlotte/James/John who was a real bully and you can't possibly use that name.

And definitely take SoupDragon's advice and refuse to tell her the sex.

MilkMonitor · 13/01/2008 10:12

I find it really silly when people say, "Oh don't worry that your MIL / mother has let you down or hurt you. She could be dead soon. I don't have a MIL / mother."

That's really not logical. So we should let them do whatever they want because they might not be around? Well, by the same logic, bohemianbint might not be around forever so she can do what she wants then without getting flamed?

Don't go ape, bohemianbint. Just tell her that she won't be told anything of significance again and that you're upset she couldn't keep her mouth shut. I wouldn't let it go without a massive apology. It's a big trust issue.

Where did the lynching come from? I don't think anybody said anything about lynching.

justabouttosplashoutinthesales · 13/01/2008 10:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LittleBottle · 13/01/2008 11:01

Sympathies - my PILs did this to me. We told them IN CONFIDENCE that I was 8 weeks pg, and they told EVERYONE within about 24 hours . As it happened, I had a miscarriage, so we made them 'un-tell' everyone themselves. Oh, and we didn't tell them I was pg with my DS until just after 12 weeks.

So, YANBU

becaroo · 13/01/2008 11:13

My mum is terrible!!

I have got to the stage where I cannot tell her anything that I dont want to be public knowledge within 24 hours.

Very sad, but she wont be hearing about this pregnancy for a while

dippydeedoo · 13/01/2008 23:26

thankyou ghosty and tinx xxxx
milkmonitor i didnt mean it in the way i think you thought i meant it.....(bjesus im confusing myself now)what i was trying to say is its happened shes your mum just move on she cant delete telling everyone -fingers crossed everything will go perfectly and youll have her racing straight from the mat room to tesco to inform everyone!! lifes too short your blessed to have a family and to be growing a new member, dont think you should excuse everything cos people might die just some things are worth getting het up about and some things arent (thats my opinion anyway)

BethMK · 14/01/2008 08:19

I can see that your Mum surely did this out of excitement and not out of malice but it was totally the wrong thing for her to do.

Of course it matters if people get told - those early weeks are so precarious and as you say, you don't want to have to explain to the trolley bloke at Tesco if something goes wrong.

I'm 10 weeks pg and haven't told anyone in my or DHs family - it's horrible keeping it a secret but we decided we just want to keep it between us for now. Partly because we don't want to have to tell the world and his wife if it goes wrong. The other reason is because we were trying to conceive for 9 months which we both found really hard. The only thing that made it bearable is that people didn't know we were ttc - we feel if we told the world I'm pg and it went wrong, not only would it be awful having to tell anyone but it would be awful having people ask if I was pg yet (my family aren't very subtle - they would do this).

Sorry for the ramble, but, in short. YANBU to be upset about this - however, I would try to explain calmly why it has upset you, rather than go mental at her - I don't think she intended to hurt you.

Best of luck with your pg xx

Original poster
bohemianbint · 14/01/2008 12:49

UPDATE

I spoke to my dad on Friday night and ended up in floods of tears, because this whole thing has really hurt and upset me. My mum called later to apologise but she said it in such an angry way ("well, I've done it now, sorry, I can't untell people, what more do you want me to do") that I feel worse about the whole thing.

To be fair, she isn't normally so free with secrets, but she said she didn't realise it was one. I'm not sure how as we made such a big point of saying it was a secret, but still, we'll just have to put it down to crossed wires. I saw them briefly on Saturday and nothing was said at all, they acted like nothing had happened, which was a it odd, to be honest. But not out of character in my family where everything gets swept under the carpet.

I've just got this horrible sinking feeling now all the time, like somethings gone really wrong and it's my fault for having a problem with it. I suppose it's just residual bad atmosphere and will clear eventually, but it's not good.

Thanks everyone for all the feedback and best wishes. You'll be pleased to hear that I didn't go ape, just stated my case very clearly which unfortunately involved bursting into tears.

OP posts:
PippiCalzelunghe · 14/01/2008 13:32

bohemianbint do not understimate the power of your hormones during pg. It can make you quite and teary. it is perfectly normal for you to feel like this. I am pg too and atm I have got a big issue with SIL re her bahaviour towards me which normally I would just not give two thoughts about. although I am with you on this issue I think pg can make you oversensitive.

deep breaths and try to think about other things. hugs!