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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you be offended by this?

124 replies

Worried1305 · 12/05/2022 15:13

We are getting married in 3 days time. Two of our guests have just dropped out. We have already paid for their meals.

I am considering asking another friend of mine (who wasn’t originally invited as we were trying to keep numbers down) if she’d like to join us for the celebration. I can’t decide if this is a nice thing to do or horribly rude.

Obviously it’s very likely at this stage that she already has plans, and I won’t be at all offended if she can’t now make it. But AIBU to ask if she would like to come? If this happened to you, would you be offended?

OP posts:
Subbaxeo · 12/05/2022 20:09

Why would anyone be offended? It’s probable that wouldn’t be able to come but it would be nice to be offered the opportunity in the spirit of goodwill than not. Especially if it’s a small wedding and numbers are restricted.

Irridescantshimmmer · 12/05/2022 20:12

I would not be offended, even if I was a second choice because life is too short to be offended.

2thumbs · 12/05/2022 20:12

Go for it, perfectly acceptable to invite someone to sub in at this stage.
Also perfectly fine for them to decline.
If people take offence at any of that, fairly pathetic in my eyes

RichardMarxisinnocent · 12/05/2022 20:14

Maireas · 12/05/2022 20:05

Why do you think you hadn't made the premier list originally?

Show quote history

I didn't post that but have happily attended several evening dos. I didn't make the "premier list" as you put it because the B&G had other friends they were closer to than they were to me. As they can't invite an infinite number of people and there has to be a cut off somewhere, the closer friends and family were invited to all day and I wasn't. No drama, no offence taken, no "I wasn't good enough", I just wasn't as close friends with them as others.

I guess if I thought we were close friends and it turned out they didn't think the same, perhaps that would be awkward. But if we both know how close, or not, we are, then there's no issue.

ExMachinaDeus · 12/05/2022 20:15

Interesting question @Worried1305 I'd realise I was a back up guest, but I'd try to work out whether that blow to my self-pride was greater than the delight of being at the wedding of a friend. I'd probably come down on the side of the latter, and get over myself. I wouldn't be offended, so much as resigned to being the back up guest.

Cherrysherbet · 12/05/2022 20:16

Yes…… it’s horribly rude

JollyWilloughby · 12/05/2022 20:17

I would explain in a nice way but just say no pressure. I wouldn’t be offended as I’m not that precious and obviously I could just decide if the ball was in my court.

Stressofherregard · 12/05/2022 20:42

I'd come. just explain. it's no big deal. everyone on here is so confrontational 🙀

gothereagain · 12/05/2022 21:58

I've been those guests and it was lovely to be asked! We weren't super close to the couple so weren't surprised or offended at not being invited but when some people dropped out and they asked if we'd like to go we were really pleased.

Maireas · 12/05/2022 22:03

Do people create a pecking order list then, in case of drop outs? I've not come across this reserve sort of situation before.

ButtockUp · 12/05/2022 22:06

I wouldn't go.

Roussette · 12/05/2022 22:24

I couldn't advise you, as only you know the guest you might ask, it depends on what she's like. But I'd advise caution!

This happened to me and DH. I was gobsmacked not to be asked to my nephew's wedding, (I was close to him, and looked after him on occasions when he was young etc). I was told it was a small wedding, I knew no other details.

Less than 3 weeks before the wedding he rang out the blue to ask us to the it in South of France! Someone obviously dropped out.
Flights were expensive (last minute and bank holiday weekend), the only hotels close and not sold out were astronomical. His Mum (my sister) was hacked off I didn't jump at it and I realised why... she was extending her stay in France and wanted me to bring home an elderly relative.
No thanks!

ChuckMater · 12/05/2022 22:28

I invited my bridesmaids parents to the day time the day before due to family illness with hospital admissions. They were over the moon and thrilled to be there.

A few weeks prior I also invited 2 of my parents friends who I'd known since I was tiny as my grandparents dropped out. They made a joke about being second choice but were also very happy to come and celebrate throughout the day aswell as the night time.

I think it depends how you word it and who it is you are inviting. In both instances my guests saw it as an upgrade and we all laughed they were second choice but they still were happy to be first on the second choice list

ChuckMater · 12/05/2022 22:30

Also we got 'upgraded' on the day to day time guests at a friends wedding the other year. Literally 2 hours notice and we'd miss the church but we went along for the meal and was happy to join the celebrations. I don't see why so many people are offended.

MaggieFS · 12/05/2022 22:32

Given what you've said, go for it. You think it would be nice to see her and that's lovely. If she's offended, what's the worst of it - she says no and you don't see her for another few years. Nothing ventured...

Octagoneaway · 12/05/2022 23:15

I’ve been that guest. I wasn’t offended, because I’m not that self absorbed. I understood that every guest list has its limits. I accepted graciously and had a lovely day helping nice friends to celebrate. And although we don’t see each other often, we’re still friends 10 years later!

Maireas · 13/05/2022 07:36

Octagoneaway · 12/05/2022 23:15

I’ve been that guest. I wasn’t offended, because I’m not that self absorbed. I understood that every guest list has its limits. I accepted graciously and had a lovely day helping nice friends to celebrate. And although we don’t see each other often, we’re still friends 10 years later!

It's nice that you had a lovely time and you're clearly a very gracious person, but being bumped up may well cause offence to some and it's not necessarily self absorption.
It's good that the OP is considering this.

Maireas · 13/05/2022 07:37

ChuckMater · 12/05/2022 22:30

Also we got 'upgraded' on the day to day time guests at a friends wedding the other year. Literally 2 hours notice and we'd miss the church but we went along for the meal and was happy to join the celebrations. I don't see why so many people are offended.

You're clearly one of these well organised people that has a wedding outfit to hand for two hours notice!

WhereYouLeftIt · 13/05/2022 11:26

Maireas · 13/05/2022 07:37

You're clearly one of these well organised people that has a wedding outfit to hand for two hours notice!

Show quote history

I took it that she was an evening guest originally, so would have her wedding outfit for that all ready?

RollOnWinter · 13/05/2022 11:36

I'd be offended. You didn't think enough of this person to invite her to your wedding but would have her there to make up the numbers so that the food doesn't go to waste. 3 days' notice? I don't think so.

longtompot · 13/05/2022 12:18

If you worded the message carefully, how much you enjoyed catching up recently, explain how a couple of people have dropped out from coming to your wedding, and under no obligation and you hope she isn't offended by you asking but you wondered if she and a +1 would like to come. Tell her the mutual friend will be at the same table.
Tbh as you've not kept in touch for the past two years, if she does take offence you haven't really lost her as a friend, but if she is free and wants to come, who knows, it might rekindle that friendship.
I wouldn't be offended, but I love weddings and rarely get invited to them.

Wynston · 13/05/2022 12:45

I would ask them.......everyone knows its not possible to invite all that we know.
I personally would be touched someone thought of me. I wouldn't even worry about how close the date is.....at the end of the day if they are a friend they would know it wasn't about filling a spot.

gothereagain · 13/05/2022 14:12

Maireas · 12/05/2022 22:03

Do people create a pecking order list then, in case of drop outs? I've not come across this reserve sort of situation before.

Sort of.

You can't invite every person you know to your wedding. Its simply not practical. So you invite your nearest and dearest. How near and dear they have to be will depend on how many people you know, your budget, capacity of venue etc.

We had 88 guests at our wedding. Our venue held 90. There were lots of people I would have liked to invite, but the budget simply didn't stretch to a larger venue. Had a few people dropped out t the invite stage I'd definitely have had people I could have asked.

Squillerman · 13/05/2022 14:13

I’d be offended personally. You’re only really inviting her to fill a space and it isn’t very kind.

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