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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you be offended by this?

124 replies

Worried1305 · 12/05/2022 15:13

We are getting married in 3 days time. Two of our guests have just dropped out. We have already paid for their meals.

I am considering asking another friend of mine (who wasn’t originally invited as we were trying to keep numbers down) if she’d like to join us for the celebration. I can’t decide if this is a nice thing to do or horribly rude.

Obviously it’s very likely at this stage that she already has plans, and I won’t be at all offended if she can’t now make it. But AIBU to ask if she would like to come? If this happened to you, would you be offended?

OP posts:
SparkyBlue · 12/05/2022 18:32

I was asked before in similar circumstances and I declined however you are having a fairly small wedding so if you phrase it nicely they might be happy to come along. Have a lovely day.

DaisyDozyDee · 12/05/2022 18:44

It wouldn’t occur to me to be offended.
I like my friends, but that doesn’t mean they have to invite me before all their other friends and relatives.

BrioNotBiro · 12/05/2022 18:47

If you were up front and honest about the spare spaces and said please don't bring a present I'd be chuffed to go. I'd be a bit off if you pretended you had always intended to invite me but the invitation had got lost or whatever.

PipeScatter · 12/05/2022 18:48

I've been on the receiving end of a later invite - not this last minute, but the RSVP date had already gone past, so we knew we were on the "reserve" list.

It didn't bother me, as we weren't particularly close friends so were surprised to have been invited at all. We went though, as we knew it would be a fun day and that they'd paid for it anyway. We weren't offended.

HOWEVER, when we found ourselves in the same situation at our wedding, with a couple of people dropping out last minute, we didn't feel like we could extend the invites to those (we'd have "upgraded" someone from the evening invites).

It very much depends on the person you'd be looking to invite and how you worded it.

Why did you not invite them in the first place? Is it because you're not massively close?

If so, you could always just say something like "It was so lovely to see you the other day - it's been ages! I'm not sure if you're up for it, but although we'd had to restrict numbers for our wedding day, a couple of spots have opened up on X's table and, if you're free, it would be great if you could join us. If not, don't worry - we'll have to try and catch up soon."

Timeandtune · 12/05/2022 18:49

Well I am very quick to take offence but I would be happy with this sort of last minute invitation. It’s a pragmatic thing to do in the circumstances.It happened to me once. The bride was v honest , said they had last minute call offs and would I like to come.
it was too far away so I didn’t go but I was delighted to be asked.

JulyDreams · 12/05/2022 18:52

I wouldn't offer

DramaAlpaca · 12/05/2022 18:54

I wouldn't be offended. I love weddings and I'd be delighted to be asked, even at short notice. These things happen.

RichardMarxisinnocent · 12/05/2022 18:57

WhiteFire · 12/05/2022 16:20

Yes this.

OP Hope you have a lovely day.

Show quote history

I also agree with this. And would add that if I were a sensible type as well as understanding that you can't invite everyone, I'd also understand that I have different levels of friendship with my various friends.

I'm not going to be best friends/close friends with absolutely everyone I know, and there will be people who I'm not close enough to for them to invite me to their wedding. I personally have no problem with that, but I get the impression from various MN threads that some people feel that if they're not close enough friends with someone to get invited to their wedding, then they might as well not be friends with them at all.

MaryBeardsShoes · 12/05/2022 18:57

As a friend I would be delighted! Most people understand you can't invite everyone, and if they are offended by this then you're better off knowing and avoiding them in future!

SallyWD · 12/05/2022 18:58

I'm very laid back and not easily offended but even I'd feel a bit put out to be invited 2 days before the wedding...

viques · 12/05/2022 18:58

It depends how you do it, if you explain that you realise it is really short notice and the reason why, but if she is available you would love her to come as your guest, no need for a present then I am sure many people (me included) would accept if available with no hard feelings. Everyone knows you can’t always invite everyone and their dog to a wedding, so to go into a hissy fit about being a second choice guest is a bit pathetic.

burnoutbabe · 12/05/2022 19:06

This is the sort of invite that extending to friends of your parents for example would Cause zero offence.

I am thinking of the sort of life time friends of my mum, who have had 50 years of hearing stories for her kids and would love to attend (and probably heard tons about the wedding from mum) but would never expect to as they are not so much my friend. (No I am not getting married!)

So that's the easiest sort of last minute invite that would cause zero offence.

(Assuming you like those people)

Veryverycalmnow · 12/05/2022 19:17

It's all about how you invite them. I'd make it a conversation and explain what you've said on here. I wouldn't be offended.

Onwards22 · 12/05/2022 19:37

I’d be very offended - they weren’t good enough to get an original invite but now people have dropped out you want them to come just to increase the numbers.

I know someone who this happened to but it was a birthday and they fell out over it and she still goes on about it all of the time and it was at least 5 years ago.

SuziSecondLaw · 12/05/2022 19:38

I wouldn't be offended at all, as long as you're up front about it. Depends how close you are though..

Scurryfunge12 · 12/05/2022 19:43

I’d be offended that you only wanted me to make up the numbers and I was being used. Don’t ask her.

Sprig1 · 12/05/2022 19:45

People are v easily offended! I would be happy with this invitation. Surely everyone understands that weddings are expensive and you can't always invite everyone you may like to. Enjoy your day whatever you decide.

Movingonup22 · 12/05/2022 19:49

Depends on the nature of the friendship - new friend or say a work colleague I got on well with but not expecting an invite - I’d be pleased. Old friend that I knew I just hadn’t made the cut - I’d try to be the bigger person but I wouldn’t be…

I agree with the person above it would be a good invite to extend to a long time family friend of parents!

PeachCottonTree · 12/05/2022 19:51

I think 50 guests is small enough to ask, I was going to say 60 and under is okay. A wedding of 60 is only 29 guests on each side and a large proportion of that can easily be taken up by family you’re obliged to invite. I wouldn’t be offended to be asked.

thirstyformore · 12/05/2022 19:58

I was bumped from evening guest to daytime guest on the morning of the wedding! Was super pleased to go. Not offended in the slightest

Crunchymum · 12/05/2022 20:00

If you acknowledge that you didn't ask in the first instance and are upfront about the last minute invite being due to others dropping out, then it's up to them if they want to come or not. I'd respect the honesty.

I was invited as a back up guest a few years ago and I refused as a) it was in the middle of nowhere b) it was childfree and c) the bride tried to make out it was a huge error not inviting me to begin with (some elaborate story etc) which was utterly bollocks as friends who were going told me a whole family had pulled out due to a bereavement and she was trying to fill 6 places. Oddly enough, I declined the offer Grin

Sbqprules · 12/05/2022 20:02

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Maireas · 12/05/2022 20:03

Justmuddlingalong · 12/05/2022 15:26

It's a bit "you weren't on our guest list, but we want to get our money's worth with the catering."

This.

Maireas · 12/05/2022 20:04

"You're not our friends, just in the reserve category"

Maireas · 12/05/2022 20:05

thirstyformore · 12/05/2022 19:58

I was bumped from evening guest to daytime guest on the morning of the wedding! Was super pleased to go. Not offended in the slightest

Why do you think you hadn't made the premier list originally?

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