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AIBU?

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Original poster

Would you be offended by this?

124 replies

Worried1305 · 12/05/2022 15:13

We are getting married in 3 days time. Two of our guests have just dropped out. We have already paid for their meals.

I am considering asking another friend of mine (who wasn’t originally invited as we were trying to keep numbers down) if she’d like to join us for the celebration. I can’t decide if this is a nice thing to do or horribly rude.

Obviously it’s very likely at this stage that she already has plans, and I won’t be at all offended if she can’t now make it. But AIBU to ask if she would like to come? If this happened to you, would you be offended?

OP posts:
HedgehogintheFog · 12/05/2022 15:53

Depends on lots of things. We invited an extra plus one. Husband messaged saying, "been feeling bad about not inviting your partner in the first place. I didn't actually realised you had moved in together. Appreciate it's short notice, but we'd love to have her there." Noone was offended, but as others have said, it depends on the friend, number at the wedding, whether she would have expected to be invited in the first place...

BellePeppa · 12/05/2022 15:58

Would she be more offended at being asked or more offended if she found out there had been some extra space due to cancellations and wasn’t asked?

JuneOsborne · 12/05/2022 15:59

Have the meals put in doggy bags. Midnight feast for you when you realise you've eaten too little and drunk too much!

Original poster
Worried1305 · 12/05/2022 16:02

Quite mixed views here but seems
more people wouldn’t be keen on it. Thanks all.

DEFINITELY wouldn’t ask for a present. (We have asked for no gifts anyway, though.)

It’s not a huge wedding, but not a tiny one. About 50 guests. It’s about an hour away from us, but easily accessible by public transport.

My thinking is that there are other friends on the table who this person knows well and they might enjoy it. Also, I hadn’t seen them for 2 years (partly because of Covid) but bumped into them at a mutual friend’s party recently and had a nice conversation and so that’s why I thought of them when our other guests said they couldn’t make it.

Don’t know if any of this makes a difference!

OP posts:
thecatsthecats · 12/05/2022 16:04

My husband and I were chuffed to be upgraded to full invites. We knew the bride well, knew there was family pressure to invite a shed load of cousins, and that she was happier to have us fill an unexpected gap.

catscatscatseverywhere · 12/05/2022 16:05

NightmareSlashDelightful · 12/05/2022 15:19

I mean - I wouldn't ask. I would be quite offended if someone asked me this three days beforehand. Personally.

Show quote history

Yes, it's this 3 days... I would consider 3 weeks before as a short notice. But 3 days? She won't even get a chance to book hairdresser or make up or have nails done if that's what she likes.

Horriblewoman · 12/05/2022 16:07

We had a couple of drop outs and I sent a message to a few less-close but fun friends (e.g a hobby group) and no one was offended!

Equally if I was invited and could go and I'd love to!

PrettyMaybug · 12/05/2022 16:07

@Worried1305

You probably don't mean any offence, but I would be quite offended if it was me, and I would refuse.

Some 15 years back, in my old area, a woman who lived in my street (on the opposite side of the road, some 3-4 houses down,) was having a 30th birthday party in her house. She had invited around 42 people, including work colleagues, family, a few friends, and about 10 neighbours, (2 of them who were either side of me,) and had not invited me/my DH/our 2 kids. She even said to me (the day before) 'it's my birthday party tomorrow night, so apologies in advance for any noise or rabble rousing! There will be over 40 people coming.' I said 'errr ok...' and walked off.

Just 15 people turned up. Only 3 of the neighbours, 3 colleagues, 1 friend, and 8 family members. An hour into it, (as I was cooking our evening meal,) she knocked on our door and asked if we all want to go. DH answered and came and said 'Lynne from across the road asked if we want to go to her 30th birthday party. Do you wanna go?' I said 'No I fucking don't. What, she asks us an HOUR in to the party, she has some brass neck, I'll give her that.'

He went back and said 'no thanks, we're good. Bit late now and we have our evening meal almost ready.' She went very red and said 'I heard what Maybug said, I hope I haven't caused offence.' DH said 'well, not inviting us at all, and then asking us an hour after the party has started is pretty poor form to be honest. It's an afterthought.' She just walked off sheepishly. (We found out next day that only a third of the people invited had turned up.)

It was a few weeks before I saw her again (to speak to,) and I just spoke to her like nothing had happened. It was never mentioned again.

tl;dr yeah @Worried1305 don't invite this woman. Being an afterthought, is a bit worse than not being invited at all. 'Errr, so the people we REALLY wanted to come are not coming, so we want YOU to come to make up the numbers.' Fuck that!

Lolllllllllllll · 12/05/2022 16:07

I wouldn't be offended at all. I'd say exactly what happened and tell them if they come they mustn't bring a present

Princetopple · 12/05/2022 16:10

I did this and some of the people didn't come, but I think they were offended. Others were happy and did come.

Our situation was a little bit unusual in that we planned it in six weeks. A close family member was dying and wanted to see us get married. We had limited numbers and obviously I didn't have lots of time to let people know in advance, so some people couldn't come at such short notice. I think it's silly to have been offended in those circumstances and I wouldn't have been offended as a guest in that situation, but I definitely get the impression that people were.

DappledShade · 12/05/2022 16:11

As long as you were upfront about it I wouldn't mind and would be touched to be next in line.

Iwanttosleepforaweek · 12/05/2022 16:12

3 weeks before is B list.

3 days before is ‘we don’t want to waste the meal’. I don’t think it matters if you saw her recently for the first time in a couple of years and had a good catch up. I would be really insulted with an invite 3 days before. Although if your wedding is Saturday it isn’t even really 2 days notice!

littlegingerone · 12/05/2022 16:16

Rory1234 · 12/05/2022 15:47

This has happened to me before. I wasn’t offended at all. I understand you can’t invite everyone to a wedding.

Same here, it was someone I had known a long time but had not had a lot of regular contact with for a few years leading up to the wedding though we were still in touch, and just due to me working abroad at the time. My friend delivered it as "we couldn't invite you originally due to numbers being so tight but now some spaces have become available we'd absolutely love to have you there" I was chuffed to be offered one of the newly available spaces and had a lovely time!

5128gap · 12/05/2022 16:18

If I were going to be offended at not making the first cut of guests, I already would be, because unless your wedding is a secret, I'd already know I hadn't been invited. Inviting me as a substitute wouldn't alter that either way.
So if I were a sensitive type, I'd carry on being offended and decline. If I was a sensible sort, who understood you can't invite everyone, I might be happy to be thought of and accept.

Kitten2 · 12/05/2022 16:19

I would be a little offended but still want to come and be pleased to finally be invited Grin

WhiteFire · 12/05/2022 16:20

5128gap · 12/05/2022 16:18

If I were going to be offended at not making the first cut of guests, I already would be, because unless your wedding is a secret, I'd already know I hadn't been invited. Inviting me as a substitute wouldn't alter that either way.
So if I were a sensitive type, I'd carry on being offended and decline. If I was a sensible sort, who understood you can't invite everyone, I might be happy to be thought of and accept.

Yes this.

OP Hope you have a lovely day.

Original poster
Worried1305 · 12/05/2022 16:25

Thank you very much @WhiteFire :)

It is the short notice that bothers me most I think. I suspect she won’t be able to make it now anyway (which is 100% fair enough) so I risk offending her for no reason! If there were a couple of weeks to go then I don’t think I would be hesitating in the same way.

OP posts:
MountainDewer · 12/05/2022 16:31

@PrettyMaybug big difference between a huge birthday party, and a wedding, which is already small and has 'obligation invites'.
In my culture 100 people is a 'small' wedding, and anybody can just turn up. Extra guests are cheap, and people are used to sitting around just anywhere if there's no space.

A last minute invite to that would be offensive. But not to a traditional English(?) wedding. Large venues are extortionate, and the smaller ones have hard limits. You can's 'just' add extra people due to crowding/fire safety/whatever regulations.

MatildaTheCat · 12/05/2022 16:31

For goodness sake invite her with a nicely worded message. If she’s offended to be asked she’s an idiot. Of course there’s a chance she’s busy but she might be delighted. Covid has made last minute changes to all events a fact of life.

Ive always been fine with being a last minute stand in if it’s a reasonable situation. Filled ina fab dinner party with about an hour’s notice and had a great time.

have a wonderful day.

zingally · 12/05/2022 16:34

I'd be offended!

No one wants to be your grubby seconds!

Antarcticant · 12/05/2022 16:34

Could you do it more generally and casually - to a couple of friends - 'due to drop outs we've got a couple of last minute spaces at our wedding - let me know if you fancy it'

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 12/05/2022 16:35

I wouldnt be offended because I know how expensive weddings are so understand that there are people that youd quite like to see, but that there has to be a cost cut off somewhere.

I guess it depends on their personality. Are they easily offended?. If you do ask her, given your update, you could just be honest and say that you hadnt invited her as you were limited on numbers and hadn't seen her for a few years but it was actually lovely to catch up with her recently and you now have some space available so if she wanted to, it would be lovely to see her but no pressure at all since its last minute and you know she likely has plans. People saying 'she might have plans, she might want to get her hair done and not have time...' surely she can say no then.

Other alternative is to ask one of your guests if they want to bring a +1 (eg if someone has recently got into a relationship)

ChilledScandi · 12/05/2022 16:54

Worried1305 · 12/05/2022 16:02

Quite mixed views here but seems
more people wouldn’t be keen on it. Thanks all.

DEFINITELY wouldn’t ask for a present. (We have asked for no gifts anyway, though.)

It’s not a huge wedding, but not a tiny one. About 50 guests. It’s about an hour away from us, but easily accessible by public transport.

My thinking is that there are other friends on the table who this person knows well and they might enjoy it. Also, I hadn’t seen them for 2 years (partly because of Covid) but bumped into them at a mutual friend’s party recently and had a nice conversation and so that’s why I thought of them when our other guests said they couldn’t make it.

Don’t know if any of this makes a difference!

In this case it sounds as if it would be ok to ask, it all depends on how you say it. Tell her it was nice to bump into her again after all this time..

TenoringBehind · 12/05/2022 17:06

Antarcticant · 12/05/2022 16:34

Could you do it more generally and casually - to a couple of friends - 'due to drop outs we've got a couple of last minute spaces at our wedding - let me know if you fancy it'

I think doing it like this is fine and shouldn’t cause offence.

WhereYouLeftIt · 12/05/2022 17:06

Worried1305 · 12/05/2022 16:02

Quite mixed views here but seems
more people wouldn’t be keen on it. Thanks all.

DEFINITELY wouldn’t ask for a present. (We have asked for no gifts anyway, though.)

It’s not a huge wedding, but not a tiny one. About 50 guests. It’s about an hour away from us, but easily accessible by public transport.

My thinking is that there are other friends on the table who this person knows well and they might enjoy it. Also, I hadn’t seen them for 2 years (partly because of Covid) but bumped into them at a mutual friend’s party recently and had a nice conversation and so that’s why I thought of them when our other guests said they couldn’t make it.

Don’t know if any of this makes a difference!

50 guests is still small enough for some people you'd like to invite not to be in your Top 50!

I think it depends on how you ask, and by that I mean being completely honest and upfront with her. Along the lines of

Hi X, as I may have mentioned I'm getting married, just 3 days to go now! It's a small wedding, just 50 coming, and 2 of those 50 have just let us know they can't make it any more. So, how do you fancy using their seats? Y and Z will also be coming so I thought you could be at their table? Let me know, Worried1305 xx