AIBU to ask my DH not to tell his friends about IVF treatment?

[AJKAnna]

We have been TTC for 2.5 years. Got pregnant early on in the journey twice but both ended in miscarriage, the last one 15 months ago. We have decided to start IVF.

Two of my husband's closest female friends got married and started TTC at roughly the same time. One of them has two children and the other is 6 months pregnant with her second. We all live near each other and used to all meet up as a group of six and have dinner etc so it's been really difficult coping as they move on with their lives and are enjoying parenthood and we are still struggling. It was especially difficult with the first ones when we were all pregnant at about the same time but mine ended in miscarriage. I had dreams that we'd all push our prams round the park together and that's come true for them but not for me sadly.

I have pulled back a bit from socialising with them (of course it has been lockdown too as all this has happened so we were socialising less anyway). They have been completely sensitive and sympathetic to what we are going through and I would like to think I have behaved OK too, but it is obviously difficult for all of us. Also, while I have always got on well with them they are not my friends but DH's friends. I do have other friends who I was always much closer with and who are at different stages in their life so we haven't had the challenge of coping with different fertility journeys.

My husband still meets up with them individually. Next weekend he is going out for lunch with the two women and their children. He didn't ask me and in fact didn't tell me about until I asked. I asked him not to tell them that we are going through IVF but just to keep it vague and say we are still trying (they know about the miscarriages). I really dislike the idea of the three of them together discussing my fertility and medical issues. I actually feel a bit humiliated by it.

DH got very annoyed when I asked him not to talk about it with them. He said he is finding things tough too and he needs a support network as much as I do. I get that but he has other friends too and is close to his mum who knows all about it and has been supportive to both of us and who I get on very well with too. I am just asking him to not talk about it with two specific people where it is just really really awkward through no-one's fault. If I were them I'm not sure I would find it easy to talk about it with him either!

He made me feel like I was being an unreasonable jealous cow over it. I don't think I am being unreasonable, I think it's a perfectly fair request.

So AIBU?

Of course there is no reason for you to feel humiliated about and like these women have “succeeded”
wheee you have “failed” - so you could try to reframe your thoughts on this.

but that said sometimes you can’t help how you feel - maybe if you can explain to your husband why you don’t want him not to tell them?

it’s personal so I do think it’s fair enough for you to ask him not to tell them - esp if he has other support. But I suspect it might be a relief for them to know - especially as it sounds like they are nice people. If you want them to n own it not talk to you about it that wouls
ne reasonable to ask.

there really is no shame to Ivf though

Yanbu. It’s private info and you’re choosing not to share it with everyone.

I understand that he needs his support network (though I dispute that it's to the same extent as you - fertility issues and IVF are harder on women IMO) but that doesn't need to, and shouldn't, include people you feel self-conscious around. As you say, he has other people in his support network he can talk to. I think he's being quite selfish to react huffily to you asking him not to discuss it with these women - I would be pissed off if I were you.

Perhaps ask him how he would feel about you discussing his private medical information - a testicular lump, perhaps, or a particularly bad case of genital warts - with mutual friends? It's no different. Yes, this involves both of you, but that means both of you have to be comfortable with the sharing of information with a particular person, or it doesn't happen.

Firstly hugs and flowers ❤
Secondly yes I do think you are being a bit unreasonable as although it's incredibly tough he wants support from his friends too

OP,

I am so sorry for your losses, so hard.

IVF is YOUR medical issue primarily as it involves YOUR body primarily.

I do not think you are unreasonable and I would be very disappointed that your husband has an issue with this.

Yes, he is going through it too, but in my experience of women going through it, they all were very private about it too.

I would be very concerned that he has made you feel like a "jealous cow".

IVF can be a very tough process, having a kind, understanding partner is very important.

He does need to have a support network for this, but as it involves both of you – and predominantly you in terms of who has the more invasive treatment – YANBU to set boundaries on who comprises that support network.

YANBU
Infertility and IVF is incredibly stressful. I'm not sure anyone who has not gone through it "gets" it.
I would actually plead with my dh not to discuss it, if he was going to tell his two female friends who sailed through getting pregnant twice.
I know dh would take it on board and wouldn't discuss it.
Fingers crossed in the future you will have no problem discussing IVF because you will have your longed for baby/babies.

So sorry for your losses. As someone who has been through IVF I found the mental side much worse than the physical side, the physical side I could do over and over the mental side is stressful. Needing a good support network for you both is best.
My friends didn't know how to support me as they had never been through the process themselves even close family members struggled as they had no idea of the process etc. My husband was my rock, he was amazing but really struggled mentally with it all.
Maybe he wants to speak with women who are his friends in how best to support you. IVF is very intense
I know people say it's all the women (which all the procedures were, my hubby had to produce sperm on demand a few times).
You can't really decide who his support network is... you can't see that IVF is just about you and your fertility as it really needs both of you, to be together and see it as a process you both have to go through.
I hope yous can come to an agreement

Unfortunately woman do feel shame and it can be very upsetting to have your medical information shared.

I certainly wouldn't like it.

Has he form for getting huffy?

Because I would be very wary of any man who thought ivf was as hard on him when it is the Woman's body that is pumped full of injections etc.

It is a tough journey.

He has others to support him.

My friends mother told her neighbour years ago, who then asked her in the supermarket how things were going.

To say she was upset is an understatement, and considering how hissy her mother had been about her privacy re a hysterectomy some years earlier, she was absolutely furious.

Private people like their business kept private.

OP, I would sit this one out calmly, and wait for him to also calm down.

If however, he digs in, I would be having a real think about the man you are with.

You should be his priority here, not having a group hug about your medical business.

He has others for support.

Agree with this poster about all valid points.

I'm so sorry for your losses. I have been through similar including a 5.5m pregnancy loss so I absolutely understand how you feel. I am now pregnant with IVF, and we are telling no one until we pass the 6m mark. Dh will do whatever I want because he understands that as much as he is going through something, it's 100x harder on me. He just wants to support me in whatever way he can. You are asking SO little of your dh and it makes me angry that he is making this an issue for you. Does he want sympathy from them, I can't understand why he would stress you over something like this. Yanbu to feel the way you do. It's such a personal and private process, you need your space and privacy but most of all your dhs support.

IVF is an intense process but in no way comparable to what the woman goes through. It is invasive, painful, hormonal and none of that which a man goes through. Not a single injection. So for him to make this an issue for you is not acceptable.

We’re just embarking on our third frozen embryo transfer (also, we did get our longed-for baby from IVF so sending you a load of luck and a massive unmumsnetty hug) so I do know a bit what’s involved emotionally.

talk to him openly and honestly about exactly what you’re feeling - in my experience there’s a horrible shame around wanting to be pleased for people but feeling physically ripped apart by envy which makes it hard to talk about, but actually talking about it really helps and at least he’ll know where you’re at.

i’d also caution against cutting off any potential sources of support. I’ve really struggled because my DH tends to clam up around friends when struggling and then need me to carry the full weight of his feelings and often during treatment I’m drowning in my own. We’ve had to chat specifically about ensuring he finds a network of people as well as me to share with so we can share the load with our own trusted friends as well as close family and each other.

good luck however you navigate sharing or not. There is no ‘right’ way to cope I think- just trying to find the least-shit path forwards together and continuing to communicate and change things that don’t work as you go along.

YANBU at all. It is YOUR body that will bear the brunt of the invasive ivf treatment, not his. He should absolutely not be discussing it with friends if you've asked him not to. Especially when he has other support networks in place. What a selfish arse.

If my DH tried to argue that it was going to be just as tough on him as on me I'd be rethinking the "D" part.

I agree with you. We went through fertility treatment. Told no-one. I don't know what it says about me, but I couldn't bare the thought of it not working and my family and friends knowing that we were childless because of that. Maybe the pity or it is easier to live with the pain without others knowing.

We had dd1, but I am so grateful that I don't ever have to talk about treatment failing for a second.

Infertility is so personal and devastating. Each person's response is different, but valid. No right answer.

Have you ever thought your DH might just need some support ?

I've been through ivf and so understand how you are feeling. I don't think any of the feelings you described are unreasonable. However, I would say, being honest about what we were going through really helped my partner and I. I think ultimately you have to choose together whether you tell people or not. But I think your husband is right in wanting to share and have support from old friends. Going through what you're going through will test your relationship I'm sure. The aim is that you come out the other side a stronger couple. You need to work on ensuring your communication and understanding skills are up to the task. Best of luck with your journey.

My male friend told me that he and his wife were having IVF. He never discussed the causes of the problems other than they needed help. He told me of the failures, successes and the strain it puts on everyday life. I just think he wanted to chat with someone he felt comfortable with but who wasn't family.
I know his wife, I saw her during the treatment but I never said anything to her about it. It wasn't my business. And I was there with presents for her when the baby had arrived.
I think I was just a safe space to offload. Obviously he didn't go through the physical stuff his wife did, but mentally it was tough, tiring and stressful for him too. I would always respect boundaries. I never told anyone they were trying and if it hadn't worked, I'd have never had told anyone they'd tried.

I would expect him not to share the ins and outs of the medical procedures you are going through without being asked, but I think you are being unfair to ask him not to discuss what he is experiencing and feeling. You are both going through this and it is healthy for you both to seek support from your individual friends.

I only told a tiny handful of people when we were struggling to conceive/going through 3 rounds of IVF. It was really stressful and I didn't want the added pressure of people knowing, having questions about how it was going, having to listen to 'encouraging' stories about people friends/families and their IVF journeys.
I also didn't want my friend to feel that their pregnancies or their babies were a source of pain to us. I was genuinely thrilled for everyone that had a baby in the eight years we were trying but that doesn't mean it didn't also hurt like hell when someone announced their pregnancy or had a baby.
I was the worlds leading expert in looking happy for them and holding off my sobs until I was alone.
Since we had a successful round of IVF I have been completely open about it but I couldn't talk about it when I was in the thick of it.

I actually think the ops feeling after being through what she has trumps whatever her dh is feeling. What support and talking through does he need? It's the op going through ALL the invasiveness. IVF is such a private and difficult time. The ops ask is so tiny in comparison to him making her feel even more stressed out. His mum knows, can't he talk to her?

I had ivf and do understand some of stresses that go along with this.
But your DH should be able to get support for himself from his own friends, it does seem unkind to try and prevent him from having this.

We had problems with recurrent miscarriage and I know my husband found it useful to chat to friends about it. They were technically my pregnancies, my drug regimes, my surgeries, my failures, but he was going through hell too, a different one but made pretty fucking awful by seeing what I was experiencing and not knowing how best to help me. I never resented him talking to anyone he wanted to because it was his pain too.

You’re not having ivf with a sperm donor. You’re doing it with your husband and I think you can allow him whatever support he feels he needs. It takes nothing away from you.

YANBU, absolutely not. It's so personal and private.

When I was pregnant with my second last year, I had a really difficult pregnancy for various reasons and a lot of uncertainties. It was a scary time. I chose to keep it secret from the majority of our family and friends, apart from immediate family. As most of the pregnancy was spent in lock down, I didn't see people anyway. DH wanted to tell a few people but I said no and although he didn't agree, he respected what I wanted and supported me. The first people knew about my pregnancy was when dd was born!

So you do whatever feels right for you and wishing you all the best for your journey. Xx

I do think you are being unreasonable sorry. He is seeking support from what sounds like very close friends. There is no competitive for who it is hardest for … it may well be that it is you but that doesn’t meant ots not hard for him at all. If my DH had told me I couldn’t discuss IVF with my friends I’d have been very put out by that. Good luck with your journey.

Same here. We had three losses which were obviously devastating but it was so important for my DP to be able to open up with his friends and talk about his feelings; regardless of the fact it was my body it was happening to. His experience was different to mine in that not only had he lost his babies but he had to watch me in mental and physical pain too.

We are so conditioned in our culture to keep quiet about pregnancy loss and infertility and it helps no one. I am so sorry for what you are going through but I do think it is unfair to unilaterally decide who your DH's support network is.