AIBU to ask my DH not to tell his friends about IVF treatment?

[AJKAnna]

We have been TTC for 2.5 years. Got pregnant early on in the journey twice but both ended in miscarriage, the last one 15 months ago. We have decided to start IVF.

Two of my husband's closest female friends got married and started TTC at roughly the same time. One of them has two children and the other is 6 months pregnant with her second. We all live near each other and used to all meet up as a group of six and have dinner etc so it's been really difficult coping as they move on with their lives and are enjoying parenthood and we are still struggling. It was especially difficult with the first ones when we were all pregnant at about the same time but mine ended in miscarriage. I had dreams that we'd all push our prams round the park together and that's come true for them but not for me sadly.

I have pulled back a bit from socialising with them (of course it has been lockdown too as all this has happened so we were socialising less anyway). They have been completely sensitive and sympathetic to what we are going through and I would like to think I have behaved OK too, but it is obviously difficult for all of us. Also, while I have always got on well with them they are not my friends but DH's friends. I do have other friends who I was always much closer with and who are at different stages in their life so we haven't had the challenge of coping with different fertility journeys.

My husband still meets up with them individually. Next weekend he is going out for lunch with the two women and their children. He didn't ask me and in fact didn't tell me about until I asked. I asked him not to tell them that we are going through IVF but just to keep it vague and say we are still trying (they know about the miscarriages). I really dislike the idea of the three of them together discussing my fertility and medical issues. I actually feel a bit humiliated by it.

DH got very annoyed when I asked him not to talk about it with them. He said he is finding things tough too and he needs a support network as much as I do. I get that but he has other friends too and is close to his mum who knows all about it and has been supportive to both of us and who I get on very well with too. I am just asking him to not talk about it with two specific people where it is just really really awkward through no-one's fault. If I were them I'm not sure I would find it easy to talk about it with him either!

He made me feel like I was being an unreasonable jealous cow over it. I don't think I am being unreasonable, I think it's a perfectly fair request.

So AIBU?

The other thing about IVF is that, like you say, it's something really personal, not just about your husband but about you. It involves YOUR body, in a very intimate way. You might not like the idea of people thinking about you in such a way and that's perfectly valid. They may not see you in the same way if they know, and you might not want their sympathy comments etc. I know how that feels.

I do think your husband is being a bit unreasonable insisting on sharing medical information about you with people who you are not fully comfortable with.

I do think your husband is being a bit unreasonable insisting on sharing medical information about you with people who you are not fully comfortable with

@want2bemum where has it said he is sharing medical information about the op? He wants to talk to them about what he is going through for support.

IVF is an intimate procedure involving the woman's reproductive system. It's a little different from other situations because, although the man/ other partner might be struggling emotionally, IVF is by its very nature harder on the person undergoing the treatment.

With IVF, the woman's needs and feelings come first. They just do. She is the one having the treatment.

No one should have to have information shared about their reproductive system with people they don't want to.

Yes, of course the man/ partner needs support - and it sounds like OP's husband has plenty of options for that which don't involve sharing personal information about OP with their mutual acquaintances who she is not comfortable with.

She shouldn't even be having to assert herself about this - he should just understand.

Sharing that you are going through IVF is sharing medical information.

@strawberrydonuts I disagree. I think during IVF a husbands job is to put their wife first of course and support them as they are the one having the treatment and so it is physically harder on them.

But policing how someone deals with the mental and emotional fall out of not being able to become a parent is a completely different thing.

At the end of the day his wife has issues with these women supporting him purely because they had no problems ttc. I could understand if they made nasty comments to op or spread gossip about her but she said herself they have been very sensitive and caring throughout so they sound exactly like the kind of friends the husband would benefit from having support him. Removing that support from him just because they have children is unfair. Alienating him from his close friends is selfish.

@BetsHilton He can talk about trying for/ wanting a child without talking about an intimate medical procedure that his wife is undergoing (IVF).

He also has options of going to therapy, support groups, talking to his family members who already know about it, or talking to other people who aren't mutual acquaintances. He is not exactly starved for an outlet and OP is OK with other options for him to get support, just not these particular people.

Her reason for that is valid, and even if it wasn't, she is allowed to stipulate who she wants to have information about her reproductive organs and medical treatment.

Have you had IVF? Because it's pretty invasive and not fun, and also quite embarrassing.

If he shares this information then next time OP sees them, they will know something incredibly personal about medical procedures that she has undergone, will be wondering where in the treatment cycle she is, whether she's pregnant, what symptoms she is experiencing etc. Very intimate stuff! If she then doesn't get pregnant, it piles on the pressure even further because she's already feeling bad about how these friends' lives are progressing. It's bloody hard.

The information about IVF is not one person's to share - it's about both of them and they both need to be happy about who is going to be told.

YABU big time. iVF is a stressful journey (had my embryo transfer 3 days ago) and he needs a way to discuss this with friends just as much as you’d be able to do that too.

Seeking support from your friends is normal, it’s not up to you to decide whether he can or can’t discuss a major event in his life with his friends. That’s controlling and highly unreasonable. I’d have left and never come back if my DH had asked me not to talk to friends about our journey.

Agree with every word, both need to be on board if information is to be shared.
It's not much use the sharers of the world saying that the private people need to just let their information be shared. We're all different.
The OP's DH can seek different support for this issue if that's the only way to protect her privacy. These two are unlikely to be the only friends that he could speak to, and if they really are then there are specialist counsellors.
I do value my privacy and don't want pity from people who have had no fertility issues.

@strawberrydonuts I have done 6 rounds of IVF and seen my DH crumble under the pressure of it, crying on the floor of our kitchen. He was my rock during treatment and put me first and bent over backwards to support me, so I would never have dreamt of controlling how and where he got his support. He has tons of friends and family but I didn’t police which ones he could talk to or coldly suggest he get counselling (which I didn’t find useful at all) as he knows his friends best and where he would best find comfort and support.

im not sure how you discuss ivf with all this focus on intimate medical details. We just said ‘we are doing ivf’, ‘it’s stressful’ ‘it’s not working’ ‘I’m worried it will never work and we won’t be parents’ ‘it’s costing so much we are getting into debt’ ‘we don’t know what to do next’ ‘I’m getting very depressed and anxious’ and so on. If you’re going around telling people ‘then they put a cathathar up my vagina and syringe eggs out of my follicles’ then yes that’s inappropriate to share but I don’t think saying I’m doing IVF is providing people with intimate medical details.

The worst bit of all of this is that op says these friends are super sensitive to their issues and caring so is depriving her DH of what sounds like great support just because they didn’t have issues ttc.

So your H is only allowed to talk to people you sanction and with whom you get on with. Yes there may be others he can talk to but he wants the support of his close friends, friends that you admit would support him. This isn’t about your privacy, it’s about your jealousy of these women, own it at least.

I’m sorry for your losses and your difficulties conceiving but don’t let jealousy get in the way of your H getting support from people who he wants support from.

Some men also go through the ringer with IVF so those sweeping statements are a bit odd tbh.

for my DH our IVF journey has been just as medically draining for him than it has been for me. And I say that sat having to not move too much as I have a 3 day old embryo trying to burrow into my lining.

The op should take advantage of the counselling sessions good clinics offer included in their packages to work through her very unreasonable feelings on this matter,

@VeryTrying22

i totally agree with you and find it so odd where sone posters reduce the male to nothing more than a support act,whose feelings and needs are irrelevant. I can’t imagine what it must be like for their partners to have to be with soneone who behaves like this .

Good luck, I hope the little bean burrows successfully.

I think what men go through is often overlooked when it comes to treatment. We did 5 rounds of IVF and I can tell you that all the vaginal scans in the world id take any day over wa*#nking in a side room in a cup. I can't think of anything more degrading

@breatheintheamazing that's how I felt. I was saying to my husband I couldn't masturbate to orgasm on demand! 🤣🤣