AIBU to ask my DH not to tell his friends about IVF treatment?

[AJKAnna]

We have been TTC for 2.5 years. Got pregnant early on in the journey twice but both ended in miscarriage, the last one 15 months ago. We have decided to start IVF.

Two of my husband's closest female friends got married and started TTC at roughly the same time. One of them has two children and the other is 6 months pregnant with her second. We all live near each other and used to all meet up as a group of six and have dinner etc so it's been really difficult coping as they move on with their lives and are enjoying parenthood and we are still struggling. It was especially difficult with the first ones when we were all pregnant at about the same time but mine ended in miscarriage. I had dreams that we'd all push our prams round the park together and that's come true for them but not for me sadly.

I have pulled back a bit from socialising with them (of course it has been lockdown too as all this has happened so we were socialising less anyway). They have been completely sensitive and sympathetic to what we are going through and I would like to think I have behaved OK too, but it is obviously difficult for all of us. Also, while I have always got on well with them they are not my friends but DH's friends. I do have other friends who I was always much closer with and who are at different stages in their life so we haven't had the challenge of coping with different fertility journeys.

My husband still meets up with them individually. Next weekend he is going out for lunch with the two women and their children. He didn't ask me and in fact didn't tell me about until I asked. I asked him not to tell them that we are going through IVF but just to keep it vague and say we are still trying (they know about the miscarriages). I really dislike the idea of the three of them together discussing my fertility and medical issues. I actually feel a bit humiliated by it.

DH got very annoyed when I asked him not to talk about it with them. He said he is finding things tough too and he needs a support network as much as I do. I get that but he has other friends too and is close to his mum who knows all about it and has been supportive to both of us and who I get on very well with too. I am just asking him to not talk about it with two specific people where it is just really really awkward through no-one's fault. If I were them I'm not sure I would find it easy to talk about it with him either!

He made me feel like I was being an unreasonable jealous cow over it. I don't think I am being unreasonable, I think it's a perfectly fair request.

So AIBU?

I had my second via IVF. Honestly, it's no big deal to talk about it (for me). I didn't fail.

I did 10 fertility treatments - 5 IUIs and 5 IVFs. I didn't tell any friends, not even my "best" friends. I told my sisters and parents.

My friends wouldn't have understood what IVF is like, and I wanted to protect myself from well meaning, but hurtful questions. I didn't want their pity when a treatment failed. I didn't want to have to explain about a failed treatment/miscarriage. I used to say that, for me "the only thing worse than going through a miscarriage, is having to talk about going through a miscarriage".
In the end I had twins via IVF, and now I'm an open book about the IVF journey.

It's very common to not talk about IVF, till you've had success. I'm very aware of it, so always notice when celebrities say that fertility issues and treatments shouldn't be hidden. In the main, they only say this once they've had success.
So I completely get you not wanting your husband to talk about it with mutual friends. It's too private.

100% can’t see how anyone can think it’s right your OH discuss your private medical business with friends without your permission. I can totally understand why you feel the way you do, it would be different perhaps with male friends or friends without children but to discuss it with two women who have most likely never had a problem getting pregnant would make me feel humiliated too. I’m sure it would also make them feel uncomfortable. What advice or support does he realistically think they would be able to give??It’s very personal and neither of you should be discussing it with other people without having agreed it first. He must have other friends or family members he can talk to or he could go to a counsellor.

I understand how you feel but at the same time they are two women who are probably busy and relish the chance to have a natter and a laugh over lunch so will no doubt try and steer him away from any topic that is awkward.

It will probably be a passing mention and they will give their best wishes and then the conversation will turn to something completely unrelated.

I haven't experienced ivf so feel free to ignore me but we had a "my body, our baby" rule when I was pregnant/we were ttc. DH was allowed to talk to whoever he wanted about the baby or his sperm but for example my iron levels, waters breaking or anything else to do with my body were off limits. Likewise I would not talk about his vasectomy. It seemed to work well. So your dh could talk about his part of the ivf but not yours. He is allowed to mention things about any fertilised eggs because they are part of both of you but anything solely to do with your body is off limits. That way he can talk about his own struggles but your privacy can stay more or less intact.

I'd question the 'harder on women' part. Possibly on the physical / hormonal side as you are receiving the treatment, then yes, but watching my husband crumble as we found out that it had worked AND try and support the mess I was in, it was definitely as hard for him as me.
After trying and failing a couple of times we decided we couldn't put ourselves through it again.
My husband talked to his friends at work, mainly females, and I know he broke down several times and i thank them for being there for him.
Having 'his mum' doesn't mean a thing. I didn't want to share this pressure with my mam and hardly told her anything.
It IS very private but he needs support away from you because it hurts , and it hurts to see the one you love hurting so much and you try to protect the other from additional pain of seeing you hurt. It works both ways and that is a lot of pressure for a couple.
You haven't 'failed', you've worked bloody harder than they had too. I hope it happens for you both , it didn't for us unfortunately and it's a sadness that comes and goes. I'm too old to be a mum now but sometimes that pain still pulls.

But OP doesn't want them to know about the IVF treatment at all so this wouldn't work.

I would absolutely not want DH telling people our private business. No one in our families knows we have had (lots of) IVF. Other family members have had IVF, that's their prerogative to tell people and if it helps them that's fine but it wouldn't help us.

We decided together to tell one mutual friend who is unconnected to other friends, we both regretted telling her.
We chose a couple of other friends to tell but I can totally understand not wanting to tell his friends with young babies.

DH could try speaking to a counselling service, or there might be a different friend that he can speak to.

@elliejjtiny I like the way you handled it, going to bank this idea ❤️

We're currently going through our TTC / IVF journey and it is a very isolating experience I find. MN and the fertility network is where we find support. I'm a very private person though IRL so maybe a bit of self sabotage. On the other hand I don't have a great relationship (very LC) with the in-laws and know if they got wind of it then it would be the family gossip 🤨

OP this might help your partner too: www.facebook.com/HIMfertility/ for support 🥰

YANBU.

it’s up to you who you share this with. I’d hate my husband to be speaking about it with female friends when I wasn’t even there.

it’s predominantly your ‘thing’. He needs to accept this.

You’re being unreasonable. It’s tough for him too and if talking to his friends about it helps him through it then he should be able to. You shouldn’t be policing his discussions with his friends about his feelings. How would you feel if he said the same to you?

Good luck. After over 20 years of TTC and 7 failed IVF attempts I’ve come to acceptance that I’m going to be childless for the rest of my life. It’s hard. One of my biggest regrets is not being more open about it. My first marriage ended in divorce because we didn’t communicate properly about it. I remarried and started the journey again with my current husband. We have been a lot more open with each other and others about it. It has certainly made a difference in coming to terms with it.

Really don't see why he needs to get support from these two women specifically about this. Does he have no other friends?

I don’t think it’s reasonable for you to dictate who his support network is unless someone he wants to talk to has form for not being discreet or for treating you badly. You’re jealous of them OP and that’s not reasonable and it’s an unhealthy way to think about the whole situation. They’re his friends. They’re good to you. If he finds them easy to talk to they’re a good choice for him for support.

Many, many relationships crumble during and after fertility/IVF struggles. The strain is too much. Your DH is telling you he is finding things tough, needs support, and talking to these friends would help. I think you need to listen to that. You shouldn't be controlling which of his friends he can talk to about his problems.

YABU

why is everyone saying he is disclosing information about his wife’s body? He said he wants to talk to them for support. From my experience this is

• it’s not working
• worried it will never work
• worried will never be a father
• dont know what to do next - change clinic?
• money worries
• feeling isolated and left out as friends all become parents
• worried about whether he’s supporting wife correctly
• impact of having to be the strong supportive one on his mental health

husband should be able to get support where he wants. It’s an incredibly tough process. I’ve been v open with my friends but that has never included the physical - it’s the emotional side that kills you. It’s about survival. If my DH had tried to put rules around how I dealt with it (Like only being able to talk to my mum 🙄) i think that would really have soured our relationship @AJKAnna

IVF is YOUR medical issue primarily as it involves YOUR body primarily.

I do not think you are unreasonable and I would be very disappointed that your husband has an issue with this.

this makes me so sad. It invalidates the husband's role and feelings so much. IVF is a couple's experience. Yes it was me that had the needles stuck in and the procedures but it was a shared experience. I hated people buying ME flowers and asking how I was whilst forgetting he had also had his heart broken by another failed round.

I was so proud of my husband for talking to his friends, being open and seeking support. IVF is brutal and no one understands how much it hurts.

You are beyond u.

This is HIS life too
His emotions. His fears joys

You can't ask him to not tell anyone.

Youll end up with no friends and no dh if you keep pushing everything away op :(

Have you accessed the councelling service that your clinic should have? If not I strongly suggest you make an appointment for the both of you.

OP hasn’t asked her H not to tell anyone. He has a number of options for support for himself: she has asked him not to disclose information to two female friends.

Her H’s experiences, wishes and feelings, while hard, are not more important than OP’s, especially her wish for privacy.

They share some experiences, but it’s OP’s body: only she experiences that.

Any discussion of IVF, conception or miscarriage relates to a woman’s body.

YABU. It's fundamentally wrong to try to limit your partner's support network in this way.

@Loopytiles you mean his wife is telling him who he can and cannot talk to. Without actually consulting him as to whether he feels these people are supportive or feels comfortable talking to them or feels like he would be better support from others. It’s controlling. My DH found lots of his male friends no good to talk to. Women he found a bit easier to discuss with and if that is what worked to support him that was fine by me. I wasn’t jealous however that these women had children and trying to control my DH relationship with them.

@Brieandcamembert I agree with you. No wonder so many relationships crumble during ivf if women are out there belittling their DH feelings as irrelevant.

Also not sure why people are jumping on why he ‘needs to talk to these two women’ like they’re horrible. Here is a clue why he wants to talk to them - from OP directly

They have been completely sensitive and sympathetic to what we are going through

while I have always got on well with them they are not my friends but DH's friends

Presumably he also has other friends who the OP hasn't had these difficulties with though. I do see your point OP.

I literally cannot decide on this one. On the one hand they’re his friends not yours so I think he should be able to talk to them but on the other hand (and I’ve not been through ivf so limited knowledge) but isn’t ivf primarily YOU taking the injections YOU having all the medical stuff done to you and YOU who has to give birth at the end of it so ultimately I think if he’s going to talk about it he needs to keep the conversation on how he’s feeling and that’s it. None of this ‘oh and op has to have these injections and all these Scans’ etc that’s for you to talk about with your friends.

You cannot seriously be suggesting all friends are equal and interchangeable and each offer the same level of support for every situation? Surely not, so what’s the point you’re making about him having other friends?

and the op has not had any difficulties with these women, it’s they have had babies and they all started ttc at the same time and the ops very complex feelings about her own fertility journey. But people need to remember her husband is on a journey to have kids too and his feelings, and needs cannot be discounted. And certainty not with “ just tell someone else mate”

I understand how you feel, OP (having just been through 2 rounds of IVF).

Me and DH were very open about ours, but I can completely understand why people choose not to be, and I think if one person says no then that's the end of it really. Especially when it comes to telling mutual friends/acquaintances. It might be different if he wanted to share with people you never see or talk to, but these are people who are also involved in your life and your potential child's life.

You also have to consider - will you share it with the child? Because if not, you have to also be careful about which adults know what, or it might slip out in a nasty way in the future.

I think 2 things really:

1. Your husband needs an outlet - but that doesn't have to be this particular group of people. It could be a family member or a counsellor, or a different friend that is less tied up with your joint social life.
2. You deserve privacy, and your husband should respect and try to understand that.

There's no reason both of those can't be satisfied with some communication and understanding between the two of you.