AIBU to ask my DH not to tell his friends about IVF treatment?

[AJKAnna]

We have been TTC for 2.5 years. Got pregnant early on in the journey twice but both ended in miscarriage, the last one 15 months ago. We have decided to start IVF.

Two of my husband's closest female friends got married and started TTC at roughly the same time. One of them has two children and the other is 6 months pregnant with her second. We all live near each other and used to all meet up as a group of six and have dinner etc so it's been really difficult coping as they move on with their lives and are enjoying parenthood and we are still struggling. It was especially difficult with the first ones when we were all pregnant at about the same time but mine ended in miscarriage. I had dreams that we'd all push our prams round the park together and that's come true for them but not for me sadly.

I have pulled back a bit from socialising with them (of course it has been lockdown too as all this has happened so we were socialising less anyway). They have been completely sensitive and sympathetic to what we are going through and I would like to think I have behaved OK too, but it is obviously difficult for all of us. Also, while I have always got on well with them they are not my friends but DH's friends. I do have other friends who I was always much closer with and who are at different stages in their life so we haven't had the challenge of coping with different fertility journeys.

My husband still meets up with them individually. Next weekend he is going out for lunch with the two women and their children. He didn't ask me and in fact didn't tell me about until I asked. I asked him not to tell them that we are going through IVF but just to keep it vague and say we are still trying (they know about the miscarriages). I really dislike the idea of the three of them together discussing my fertility and medical issues. I actually feel a bit humiliated by it.

DH got very annoyed when I asked him not to talk about it with them. He said he is finding things tough too and he needs a support network as much as I do. I get that but he has other friends too and is close to his mum who knows all about it and has been supportive to both of us and who I get on very well with too. I am just asking him to not talk about it with two specific people where it is just really really awkward through no-one's fault. If I were them I'm not sure I would find it easy to talk about it with him either!

He made me feel like I was being an unreasonable jealous cow over it. I don't think I am being unreasonable, I think it's a perfectly fair request.

So AIBU?

There are some things I think you should be able to get support from your friends on, however, with things like fertility or health I think it should be with a professional rather than friends. The reason being this just doesn’t affect him so I think you are well within your rights to ask him not to share this with them. He should speak to a counsellor if he needs support.

Unless DH genuinely has no other reasonable options for his personal ‘support network’ his behaviour has been insensitive and selfish.

In the circumstances his desire for ‘support’ from these specific women is less important than yours for privacy and boundaries with them.

Has he also confided in male friends about this, or was there an undertone of seeking female sympathy?

I'm sorry but I think this is quite unkind and shows a lack of understanding really. My friend went through a lot of mental stress. Of course it's not the same as the physical treatment his wife went through, but he had fears, worries, hope, disappointments too. And he could talk to his mum, yes, but there were things he didn't want to say in case she started to worry too. I was a bit of a silent sounding board really.
If I was with a partner who felt so little about the process that they needed no support, I'm not sure I'd want to have a child with them.

AnneLovesGilbert OP’s H HAS taken things away from OP: her privacy. And trust in him.

LetitiaLeghorn Unless you explicitly asked your male friend whether his wife was OK about him sharing information about their fertility issues, you did NOT ‘respect boundaries’.

He shared his issues not hers. He's entitled to look for support from his close friends.

I think YABa little U. I’ve been through multiple cycles of IVF and the strain on your relationship will be immense. He’s discussing something significant in his life with people that he trusts and I think that’s really important. The process is invasive for the woman and this leads to us getting lots of support whilst the partners often get overlooked. Whilst they don’t do the physical side the emotional toll can be significant. He may find that by talking about it now he can lay the foundations for support from them when he has to be strong for you. Also, I found it much easier talking to my friends/sister at times because I could be brutally honest whereas we were constantly trying to stay positive for each other.

‘He told me of the failures, successes and the strain it puts on everyday life’ Those things concerned his wife, not just your friend.

‘I know his wife, I saw her during the treatment but I never said anything to her about it. It wasn't my business.’

And yet you talked to her H about her business.

Wonder if she knew. Wonder if he also talked to a male ‘close friend’ or just enjoyed another woman’s attention.

You definitely aren't being unreasonable. There's no shame in IVF but as a women who suffered infertility myself I was ashamed, it was my issue but I couldn't help feeling how I did. Every time I was asked about children I felt I had to explain myself. It was horrible, and some people are awkward about it when you say you don't have kids, as if 'poor you' a lot of this might have been in my head though OP.

I can sympathise with your miscarriages too. When I did IVF it ended in miscarriage and what I didn't know that my best friend was doing IVF at the same time as me (she had a lot of fertility issues and was scared to tell anyone). Just when I had my miscarriage and about a week after my D&C she phoned me to say she was pregnant (sensitively). It was very hard as our babies were due a week apart.

Four years later I still hadn't had a baby and she rang me to say she was pregnant again. I was ok with other people's pregnancies but this brought everything back. I felt awful for feeling jealous as she deserved the happiness but I wished for a baby so we could be pregnant together. Two months later I got a shock surprise, I got my wish.

Sorry for waffling on but I totally get you and no, your husband shouldn't be discussing it. I have no problems with DH having close female friends as I have close male ones but I would have absolutely hated him discussing our fertility issues with them.

YANBU and wishing you well on your IVF journey.

Honestly.....I've been through several miscarriages and several rounds of IVF and I wish my DH had talked about it with his friends.

If the tables were turned and he had asked you not to discuss how would you feel? To be honest he would be labelled controlling amongst other things.

There are often threads about how our partners aren't emotionally involved or invested in fertility treatment but then you want to deny him to ability to talk about it?

If we don't talk about it we don't remove the stigma around it

It wasn't until I finally became pregnant after 5 rounds and I was open with male colleagues about how I conceived that they opened up about their own children coming from IVF and I could tell they actually found it cathartic talking to me about it

You are undergoing invasive medical procedures to get pregnant after miscarrying twice. I don't think it's unreasonable to request that it not be a fair game topic of conversation with just anybody. He is entitled to a support network, however. But these two women may not be the best choice from your perspective, and that's understandable.

You also need to talk to him about how it makes you feel and what you had envisioned. I would also gently ask him how he would feel if the IVF were necessary due to a low sperm count on his part and you wanted to share the difficulties 'for support' with the same two female friends whom you envisioned raising children alongside. Can he honestly say it wouldn't bother him? It's a perspective he might understand...

I think you're being a bit unreasonable.

Can you not draw the line he not talk about your medical info? So he can say that the two of you are doing ivf and talk about the last two years etc, without going into detail of your diagnosis or detail experience

It's HIS business just as much as hers. They were his failures and successes just as much as hers. We talked about him not her. He can share with his friends what is necessary for him to get him through the difficult times. Someone above used the word 'emotional' and its exactly that. I listened to him but he didn't share clinical details and I wouldn't ask.

No, I didn't say anything to his wife because it's not my place to bring it up. I didn't bring it up with him either. We only discussed it when he wanted to.

He's my friend. There's nothing sexual or flirtatious between us. Why would you try to put that slant on it? I don't give him attention and he doesn't give me attention. We're just good friends who usually just talk about mundane things bu occasionally share other things too. I have mental health problems and he's been great with advice and support. He might have spoken to other friends, I don't know. I didn't ask.

I have another friend whose husband had terminal cancer. No secret to it. And she used to talk about the strain of it and the stresses of that too. Should she just keep it all in because she shouldn't talk about her husbands illness? She spoke of how it affected her not about his private matters.

OP isn’t being ‘controlling’ and hasn’t ‘denied’ her H the opportunity to seek support for himself.

She’s upset that he’s lied (by omission) about and spoken to these female friends specifically.

Having experienced fertility issues and been OK about our partner discussing it with others shouldn’t mean we can’t appreciate that other women want privacy and some boundaries.

I also think you’re being a bit unreasonable, it’s nothing to be ashamed of and it’s not a competition, you haven’t failed etc. this is about these women you used to perceive as friends (you wanted to walk round the park with prams) having babies already, and your own envy of that. Becayse you are ok with him telling other friends, I think your husband is right there, it’s envy.

as much as it’s your body it’s his journey too, and I think trying to pretend it’s not what it is or that you conceived naturally when and if you do concieve isn’t really ideal, there really is nothing to hide away like it’s a shameful secret

good luck with your journey, I hope you can come to terms with it snd it is successful.

Not ‘his business just as much as hers’. It was HER body and private medical information!

There is often a ‘slant’ when men seek out - or offer support to - female friends or acquaintances. May well not be sexual.

Unless his wife was fully aware of what he was disclosing to you, his behaviour was poor, and your ‘boundaries’ were dodgy too!

Ivf is a journey rhey both go on. Yes it’s her body but to try to pretend it’s nothing to do with him is ludicrous and I’m embarrassed for you.

@Loopytiles
She’s upset that he’s lied (by omission) about and spoken to these female friends specifically.

You're so busy throwing around accusations, you don't even bother to read the op's post. He hasn't spoken to either of the women because he hasn't seen them yet. So there's been no lying. 🙄

It depends what he's discussing specifically I suppose. He's free to share the news of his low sperm count/quality/motility with the world and their Granny, not free to share how your endo scars are causing problems or your cervix is weak.
Miscarriage itself is different as father's grieve too and that should not be brushed aside.
But I'd not be sharing my husband's private medical information with anyone and especially not to people he had expressly asked me not to. Where's the loyalty?

YABU.

This is someone who has done IVf and struggled with losses.
It's very hard, and a tough time for you both. I understand you don't want them discussing your feeling issues and medication etc, but my husband found confiding in a friend or two was priceless for him. Men tend to not seek emotional support as much as women.

I think try and reframe your mind a bit. Maybe suggest he doesn't tell his whole friendship group, but just confide in a couple of friends. I know it's harder on the women, yes, but it still is hard for the partner. I think you'd be unfair to ask him not to mention anything, but fair that he could confide in a friend or two that you're both comfortable with.

Good luck.

Eh?

No one has said it’s nothing to do with him.

The problem is him disclosing information about his wife’s body to specific people she doesn’t want to have that information

Oh stop it with your making out that men and women can't be just friends nonsense. It says a lot about how your friendships with men but nothing about mine.

Again. We didn't discuss her body or her medical information. We talked about how he was feeling about the process, and his worries and fears. I'd always be there for any friend going through that so away with your dodgy boundaries.

Seriously I doubt he's going to discuss a detailed medical history of her body - he wants to discuss the process I'm sure - how's he's feeling about - not how many eggs she has on each bloody ovary - not the same thing at all

When I went through IVF, my partner did not want us telling anyone. I’m more of an open person, but understood and respected his view point. We agreed that I would confide in one friend for emotional support as a compromise.

I think having that emotional support - really someone to vent to, share worries with etc, is extremely valuable. But no need to tell multiple people if one partner isn’t comfortable. You can achieve that with 1 or just a couple of people. It’s such a personal and stressful process and you should both value each other’s wishes. Adding extra anxiety will not do anyone a favour.

Seriously I doubt he's going to discuss a detailed medical history of her body - he wants to discuss the process I'm sure - how's he's feeling about - not how many eggs she has on each bloody ovary - not the same thing at all

exactly. He’s talking about the process, his feelings on it etc. he’s hardly going to be disclosing intimate information about his wife’s body for goodness sake.