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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH friends with the school mums

85 replies

lovebeingamumx · 11/05/2022 12:14

I haven't done the school run for months as I had a horrible third trimester and I have been at home with the baby for 5 weeks. DH has become friends with some of the school mums. I'm not surprised as DH makes friends easily and loves a good natter. I am the opposite! I'm quite shy and will purposely get out off the car with 1 minute to go before the kids go in to avoid the playground mums.

I went with DH to collect DS and they was all congratulating DH on our baby and never spoke a word to me. I of course felt so awkward so I have stopped going and have to asked DH to start going again.

They've now arranged a play date and invited DS and DH.

AIBU to feel a bit odd about it? I always imagined when I had kids it would be me that would be talking to other mums but it's been the complete opposite and I feel a bit left out I guess.

OP posts:
User7312019 · 11/05/2022 12:16

But you said when you did do it you stayed in the car the last minute to avoid talking to them. What did you expect they’d knock on the window and force conversation on you? If you want to be involved now then start talking to them, avoiding going seems like it would just increase your problem not solve it.

MissusMaisel · 11/05/2022 12:17

You imagined it would be you talking to the school mums but you have gone out of your way to never talk to them and avoid them at all costs, and now you're annoyed that they talk to your husband, who doesn't avoid them?

Seriously?

FLOWER1982 · 11/05/2022 12:17

I don’t see anything wrong. You didn’t make any effort to talk to them and did your best to avoid them. I really wouldn’t worry about missing out on a play date. Enjoy the peace!

AskingforaBaskin · 11/05/2022 12:20

What are you going to do to engage with them?

waterrat · 11/05/2022 12:23

Hi Op - I think you have to think here about the energy you are projecting ..a lot of communication in life is non verbal! You are deliberately avoiding the mums - surely it would be really sexist and unfair if they invited you even though you avoid them and your husband is always there chatting and making an effort.

Its very hard being shy and worrying about social interaction so I sympathise - but in a busy world people are not going to be able to break through that especially at hectic morning drop offs etc if you go out of your way to make it hard for them.

Why dont you put a message in the class whatsapp saying you have been off for a while but would love a park meet up now baby is here with some parents after school?

OR set yourself a target of getting there looking some mums in the eye and saying good morning or asking chit chat questions about weather/ school homework etc

Im super sociable but still find new situations hard like this - you have to see it as 'effort' ! put the effort in, be open with people that you are looking to get to know people and it will end up working out

Sqeebling · 11/05/2022 12:24

Draw a line under everything so far

And next time be as smiley and as chatty as you can

They will welcome you they're just aware you're a bit shy so are talking to you through your DH till you come out of your shell

They see you as a unit so just embrace the fact he has made socialising with these DMs a bit easier for you moving forward

purpleboy · 11/05/2022 12:34

Agree with the other posters, if you went out of your way to avoid them, you can't be surprised they haven't invited you.
If you want to make friends, put yourself out there, start the school runs again and start talking to them.

MulberryBush700 · 11/05/2022 12:36

I always imagined when I had kids it would be me that would be talking to other mums but it's been the complete opposite and I feel a bit left out I guess.

But OP, you said yourself that you avoided the other Mums on purpose and never made any effort to engage or become friends / friendly with them. How exactly do you expect them to invite you on play dates or socialise with them and their children? Or were you hoping they extend an invite to you through your DH?

You are right, you are being left out but I think you played a massive part in that, however, - although I'm having trouble picturing the exact scene - I think it's very rude if they didn't acknowledge you at all or blanked you when you went with your DH. Unless there is a back story?

ShirleyPhallus · 11/05/2022 12:37

purpleboy · 11/05/2022 12:34

Agree with the other posters, if you went out of your way to avoid them, you can't be surprised they haven't invited you.
If you want to make friends, put yourself out there, start the school runs again and start talking to them.

Yep this. Your husband should have introduced you to them though

Kat1953 · 11/05/2022 12:38

went with DH to collect DS and they was all congratulating DH on our baby and never spoke a word to me.

It doesn't matter that you've avoided them in the past, this was exceptionally rude.

However, bare in mind that they might not have meant it so and simply don't know how to talk to you based on your past avoidance. Shyness in people is often taken as aloofness, snobbery and rudeness by others.

I think the onus is on you now to make an effort, smile and say hi, ask after their children, comment on the weather. Just be warm and polite.

ParisLondonTokyoSlough · 11/05/2022 12:42

Well your husband has the relationship with you, not them. But your husband should also have made introductions.

asking your husband to take over the school run again will continue to solidify those friendships and further isolate you. Why don’t you take your child to the play date (husband can make an excuse that he is at work or something)? And also make an effort at any class parties or at the school gate to chat etc.

ParisLondonTokyoSlough · 11/05/2022 12:43

Well your husband has the relationship with you, not them.

sorry typo- your husband is the one with the relationship with the school mums. At this point they don’t know you.

AskingforaBaskin · 11/05/2022 12:44

Why would he need to intoriduce them? They know who she is. She knows who they are. Her active avoidance is the problem.

At any point in that interaction she could have spoken and engaged

ParisLondonTokyoSlough · 11/05/2022 12:46

AskingforaBaskin · 11/05/2022 12:44

Why would he need to intoriduce them? They know who she is. She knows who they are. Her active avoidance is the problem.

At any point in that interaction she could have spoken and engaged

Well I imagine she doesn’t know names? This is my wife X, wife this is Charlie’s mum Jane”

I introduce my husband to the school mums if I bump into him while I’m chatting them, and school mums to other school mums if they don’t yet know each other. Just basic politeness.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 11/05/2022 12:46

Why dont you use this an an opportunity to get to know them as well? Get your husband to invite them back while you're around one day and there will be less of them and you'll be in your own house so you might find it easier to speak to them.

PeppoPigg · 11/05/2022 12:48

Unfortunately hiding in the car and avoiding them won't help. I know it can be hard. Could you go along with DH to the party? And he could leave you and DS after a little while?

ShirleyPhallus · 11/05/2022 12:48

ParisLondonTokyoSlough · 11/05/2022 12:46

Well I imagine she doesn’t know names? This is my wife X, wife this is Charlie’s mum Jane”

I introduce my husband to the school mums if I bump into him while I’m chatting them, and school mums to other school mums if they don’t yet know each other. Just basic politeness.

Show quote history

Yep exactly this. If he could see she was not included in the conversation he should have said “thanks for your well wishes… have you met my wife Alice?”

Swayingpalmtrees · 11/05/2022 12:51

Op, can you tell us why you avoid them?
Are they unkind? Cliquely?

I wonder why you are feeling uncomfortable.
I think dh would be putting himself in an awkward position by going to the playdate, so it would be a no for us. Can the child not go alone?
Over the years I have seen PLENTY of affairs start this way, I wish I had not seen the terrible things that played out in some year groups. Maybe that has influenced my feelings on the matter, seeing perfectly lovely families being blown apart. So I wouldn't be encouraging dh's Mummy friends, at all.
Cool Mums will say it is fine, right up until their dh swans off with Chloe's Mum from Yr1

Swayingpalmtrees · 11/05/2022 12:51

*cliquey.

Triffid1 · 11/05/2022 12:52

Agree with others that your behaviour is tricky but when you say they were congratulating him and ignoring you - were you standing right next to them? Because that IS rude. If you were sort of fussing with one of your DC, or standing a little apart, then it would be reasonable as it would look like you were continuing your habit of not wanting to engage.

Having said that, my god, you're lucky to have school mums who engage with DH. He does 80% of the school runs. They all know and like him (and he's part of a broader group of parents who do fundraising) but the moment there's something to do with the DC..... the message comes to me. Drives me mad. Even if there's a playdate and he is the one at home with the DC, I'll get a text, "ooh, we're running a bit late, can you keep little joey for another 30 minutes?". Drives me absolutely bonkers.

AskingforaBaskin · 11/05/2022 12:53

ShirleyPhallus · 11/05/2022 12:48

Yep exactly this. If he could see she was not included in the conversation he should have said “thanks for your well wishes… have you met my wife Alice?”

Show quote history

Could he? Or did he just ease into conversation and she shied away.

Her avoidance is not his responsibility. She wants to engage so while the build up is daunting it is on her to take the plunge

ParisLondonTokyoSlough · 11/05/2022 12:54

Swayingpalmtrees · 11/05/2022 12:51

Op, can you tell us why you avoid them?
Are they unkind? Cliquely?

I wonder why you are feeling uncomfortable.
I think dh would be putting himself in an awkward position by going to the playdate, so it would be a no for us. Can the child not go alone?
Over the years I have seen PLENTY of affairs start this way, I wish I had not seen the terrible things that played out in some year groups. Maybe that has influenced my feelings on the matter, seeing perfectly lovely families being blown apart. So I wouldn't be encouraging dh's Mummy friends, at all.
Cool Mums will say it is fine, right up until their dh swans off with Chloe's Mum from Yr1

Wow. That’s such a reach. The fact that her husband after not doing the school run before was quickly able to make friends with multiple mums suggest they are not cliquey. And OP’s admission that she actively avoids them would support that.

there’s nothing wrong with her husband taking their child on the play date - it would be silly to avoid the play date as then OP’s issues would be impacting their child’s friendships too. OP can always take the child to the play date herself if she wants to make friends. The invitation was to their child not to the parents!

notacooldad · 11/05/2022 12:56

You've made your own problem 🤷‍♀️

Shoxfordian · 11/05/2022 12:58

Why did you think you’d be friends with the other mums when you’re hiding in the car? 🙄

Sally872 · 11/05/2022 12:58

Sounds like a good way to meet them if you are shy and haven't wanted to chat. Tell dh you would like to be friends with them but have avoided conversation and ask him to help by introducing you and bringing you into conversations.

I understand it isn't what you imagined but you can change it if you want, or don't if you would rather not. Nothing wrong with that either if your dh doing playdates works best for your family.