DH friends with the school mums

[lovebeingamumx]

I haven't done the school run for months as I had a horrible third trimester and I have been at home with the baby for 5 weeks. DH has become friends with some of the school mums. I'm not surprised as DH makes friends easily and loves a good natter. I am the opposite! I'm quite shy and will purposely get out off the car with 1 minute to go before the kids go in to avoid the playground mums.

I went with DH to collect DS and they was all congratulating DH on our baby and never spoke a word to me. I of course felt so awkward so I have stopped going and have to asked DH to start going again.

They've now arranged a play date and invited DS and DH.

AIBU to feel a bit odd about it? I always imagined when I had kids it would be me that would be talking to other mums but it's been the complete opposite and I feel a bit left out I guess.

This is a pretty negative way at looking at the situation. And why use the word "cliquey"? There was another thread recently where a group of school mum friends were accused of being cliquey when in fact it seemed that they were just friends.
OP, I'm sorry you feel like this, but you've said yourself you've made no effort at all to get to know the mums or make friends. Time to start building bridges now if you want to. But you can't continue to avoid them through choice but get annoyed by your husband getting to know them.

It is incredibly poor of the other to congratulate only one parent though!!!
Outrageous with the mother actually stood there.
Op, I would not have done that under any circumstances and would have started asking you how you were, and if you need help.

I think their behaviour is very poor and looks deliberate pointedly congratulating just dh.

Watch out...in a word.

@AskingforaBaskin i agree with most of what you’ve said , and it’s possible that OP was making herself “busy” to avoid chatting to the mums again, and they got the message and left her alone. If that is the case, then she needs to stop doing that and start engaging. But it does seem odd to me that during the whole conversation, knowing OP doesn’t know these mums, her husband didn’t introduce his wife who was newly back on the school run after just having a baby. I just can’t imagine how he didn’t think to do that.

IF your husband is the type to have affairs, avoiding playdates where he might run into women is not going to solve the problem. While both DH and I have friends of the opposite sex from before we were married, none of us have made a new close friend of the opposite sex since we got together. Just feels weird. Having said that, that doesn't mean we've avoided all social contact either - work, school, hobbies, children's activities have all brought us into direct contact with people of the opposite sex with whom we have pleasant and friendly relationships. Are we supposed to avoid all of these?!

I would avoid someone who was obviously avoiding me too. You get back what you put in, socially. People aren't going to pander to you.

So you would congratulate the father of a new baby, and totally ignore the new mother stood there triffid?

That is not kind behaviour at all.

My dh would not have allowed me to feel so uncomfortable and would have drawn me in immediately in some way, or introduced me and vica versa. I have never heard of people congratulating just the father, with the mother being ignored. How bizarre.

Op, I would make some in roads into getting to know some of the nicer parents, and start slowly. You are probably very tired, so just small talk would be enough.

What an odd approach. If I was married to a shy man I’d of course introduce him to the people stood talking to me. I’d never think “it’s his responsibility to introduce himself” and basically ignore him too.

So you have previously gone out of your way to avoid talking to them when you did do the school run, and have now hidden away at home for 5 weeks, while your husband makes an effort to chat. No surprises who is going to form any kind of relationship with the others. You probably come across as standoffish, and him more sociable. Do the school run together and get him to introduce you. Shyness is difficult, but there is a fine line between shyness and rudeness.

We were lucky to have such nice people in our school years, but the same could not be said for every year in the school, and it is the luck of the draw.

Sorry what? My original post said that, assuming she was standing right next to her DH, the other mums were being rude.

My response to YOU was to point out that having an issue with a Dh who does playdates in case he runs off with Chloe in Year 1's mum is just ridiculous.

You're feeling left out because you left yourself out.

You've gone out of your way to avoid these people. If you're feeling left out it's now up to you to do something about it and get involved.

Draw a line and start doing the school runs and engaging if you want to be involved.

She has actively gone put of her way to do this. I wouldn't pander to it at all.

Maybe he didn't want to force her worrying he would get it wrong.

It's not gus responsibility to fix what she has caused

Staying in the car until the last minute to avoid talking to them and then being upset that they don't talk to you is crazy behaviour. Give your head a wobble

What a lovely kind approach. What a kind and caring partner you must be.

I am.
I also expect people to have personal responsibility and fix the very simple issues they have

Because everything a woman is doing wrong, in this case making no effort to speak earlier, is twisted to be the man's fault on MN, surely you know that!

triffid We watched an affair evolve from a Friday night playdate that turned to wine and friendship and eventually an affair that ruined both families lives. It does happen. Anyone who thinks it doesn't is naive. I have been doing the school run for sixteen years. It is worth just noting that the kind of mothers that ignore another mother to only speak to the husband to congratulate them is a red flag. Dh and I have plenty of friends of both sexes, but we are not sitting having drinks for a few hours after school with someone else's spouse.

Offer to go to the playdate yourself op, and see if the invitation is withdrawn a few days before, that will tell you everything you need to know.

We have watched car accidents happen on the corner of our road - doesn't stop me driving there. I stand by my assertion that insisting that a man and a woman must never so much as engage in idle chit chat while their 5 year olds run around screaming is ridiculous. Any adult who finds themselves starting to feel or behave in a way that is inappropriate should be stopping. Never seeing/speaking to a school parent of the opposite sex is not going to solve for that. Certainly, I don't think the cup of tea "Bob" and I shared last week when he collected his son, who begged for enough time to complete their game, was the first step on a slippery slope to an affair.

More importantly, still don't understand why you had a go at me about the situation with other people ignoring her. But whatever.

YABU. You made no effort and so neither did they.

Of course any parent of either sex can idly chat and be friends. A playdate of a few hours is different. Our playdates here often include dinner and wine, especially at the weekend. It is a more intimate setting than sharing a coffee at the gates with everyone else.

Look, you can make any assertion you like, but it won't change the fact many many affairs are started at the school gate!
Ignoring the mother and only speaking to her husband is a ghastly thing to do and seems to be a power move especially as op's dh seemed to be totally okay with his wife being ignored!

Many many affairs are started at work too.

The play dates down your way sound a lot more hardcore than around here, that's for sure. Around here it's a cup of tea and a biscuit. There might be a glass of wine consumed if its friday or Saturday and been a long day. But then everyone goes home for adult dinner and children's bed time. Older kids are tossed out of cars that barely slow down the parents are so happy to not have to deal with their children.

Just go along to the play date if it makes you feel better. Tell DH to say "DS would love that. DW will join us too."
Easy.

How nice your husband has made an effort and now your DS can have a play date. Would you rather he’d been as rude as you’ve been and DS missed out?

I always imagined when I had kids it would be me that would be talking to other mums.

I think you have to get out of the car to do that, though.