Page 3 | DH friends with the school mums

Searchingsound · 11/05/2022 13:46

Sheesh as a single mum I’ve managed to become friends with both mums and dads at the school. And - shock horror - I often have playdate drinks with either sex and I’ve managed not to ‘steal’ anyones husband so far. Frankly I find it disgusting suggesting that an invite to friendship from a woman is akin to an invite for sex. I think it says a lot about your own morals/ state of mind to be honest.

If a person is the type to have an affair (male or female) they will have an affair. Avoiding letting them be friends with anyone of the opposite sex is ridiculous - and again, sadly shows a lot about the trust you have in your own relationships. You can’t keep people on a leash if they want to betray you, it’ll happen eventually.

Going back to the original op. You’ve shown them clearly that you don’t want to be friends with them so your attitude is bizarre. However, easily solvable - just invite some of the mums round when you’re both there and actually be nice to them….

RoseGoldEagle · 11/05/2022 13:47

Getting to know school mums (or dads) takes time, just like getting to know anyone new. I am also shy, and do not find social interactions with people I don't know well easy, but by doing the school run twice a day for 8 months so far, I'm slowly making friends- some people I clicked with fairly quickly, others have taken a lot longer (and of course, some I don't really gel with, but that's fine!). You just have to turn up, smile at people and say hi, ask those boring but simple questions that get things started and go from there. The fact you have a tiny baby will definitely help! School mums aren't one collective mass, there will definitely be people you can get on well with, but you have to a) go and talk to them for a few minutes every day and b) accept it takes time.

Divebar2021 · 11/05/2022 13:51

Have you ever done anything to get to know any of the parents? Have you ever suggested a play date ? Invited anyone for coffee? These are the things you need to do to get to know people. You can’t be passive / unfriendly and then complain that people are not nice to you. Sorry - it’s a tough message

Swayingpalmtrees · 11/05/2022 13:56

suggesting that an invite to friendship from a woman is akin to an invite for sex

Who on earth suggested invitations for sex?! That is a huge leap!

EmeraldShamrock1 · 11/05/2022 13:56

I'm afraid that you need a friendly approach.

It's nice to include others but it's awkward when the person joins in and doesn't up contribute to the conversation.

They probably think that you aren't interested.

EmeraldShamrock1 · 11/05/2022 13:57

Throw a party inviting the DC and parents.

WTF475878237NC · 11/05/2022 14:00

If a person is the type to have an affair (male or female) they will have an affair. Avoiding letting them be friends with anyone of the opposite sex is ridiculous - and again, sadly shows a lot about the trust you have in your own relationships.

^ actually there is lots of research to the contrary. Aside from rare sex addicts, there isn't a type to have an affair. It's mostly good people who come across an opportunity, at a particular time in their life when they otherwise wouldn't have, or at a time when for various factors they start slowly over stepping boundaries instead of protecting their relationship.

WimbyAce · 11/05/2022 14:11

Presumably it is your child that is invited to the play date so either one of you could take them. I understand about the school run as I know a lot of people aren't keen and whatever anyone says yes it can be cliquey. I tend to pick and choose if I want to make small talk but would only be with people standing on their own, I would never approach a group. Other half is worse than me so would never speak to anyone. I do think that it was rude that they were just speaking directly to him when you were stood there, I would definitely have aimed a comment your way as you are the mum and they presumably know who you are even though you havnt spoken much before.

Swayingpalmtrees · 11/05/2022 14:11

Yup WTF475878237NC is spot on.

I have seen those opportunities come up at sports matches every week, parties, play dates and some of the more memorable ones I can't say because it is outing, they have been extremely toxic and it was very bad for the children.

Most dhs are there to support their children and be friendly, but there is a % that are there to check out their options and some of the mothers too.

Herejustforthisone · 11/05/2022 14:52

AIBU to feel a bit odd about it? I always imagined when I had kids it would be me that would be talking to other mums but it's been the complete opposite and I feel a bit left out I guess.

But……..you said you avoid them?! You can’t have it all ways. This is just jealousy at other women paying attention to your husband, I think.

redskyatnight · 11/05/2022 14:59

Did the other parents really crowd round DH and the baby and entirely ignore you? Or (as seems more likely for a school playground) did they stand vaguely in the same vicinity as you, making general remarks in the direction of both of you, which DH responded to, while you just stood there awkwardly, which they would have taken for ignoring them? Why didn't you say anything? Why didn't you invite yourself to the play date?

Triffid1 · 11/05/2022 15:12

WTF475878237NC · 11/05/2022 14:00

If a person is the type to have an affair (male or female) they will have an affair. Avoiding letting them be friends with anyone of the opposite sex is ridiculous - and again, sadly shows a lot about the trust you have in your own relationships.

^ actually there is lots of research to the contrary. Aside from rare sex addicts, there isn't a type to have an affair. It's mostly good people who come across an opportunity, at a particular time in their life when they otherwise wouldn't have, or at a time when for various factors they start slowly over stepping boundaries instead of protecting their relationship.

Anecdotally, that's certainly not my experience, although I concede my anecdotal experience is not necessary comprehensive. But the people I have seen have affairs have not been "good people who came across an opportunity" but usually very selfish people who simply didn't want to put the time or effort into not having an affair.

The closest to your version was a man who was unhappy in his relationship which was complex for various reasons and who then had an affair because he was looking for validation elsewhere.

The closest I ever came to an affair was as a 23 year old. I was single but over time, my relationship with an older (married) man with whom I worked went from friendly to friendly-with-a-slight-edge-of-flirting-and-some-undisclosed-feelings. We never discussed it, but when I realised that I was developing feelings and perhaps not being 100% appropriate, I took a step back. My sense was that he reached a similar conclusion at a similar time (we had a couple of weeks of intense time together due to a project which probably exacerbated things). We continued to work together for another 2 years but that element was completely removed.

5128gap · 11/05/2022 15:26

Your DH should have helped you in that situation. Did he just stand there accepting the congratulations when you, who had just had the baby, were ignored? Where one party in a partnership needs a bit of support in a social situation the other should be giving it. He should have drawn you in to the conversation.
That said, I find it really hard to imagine a situation where a couple are there with their new born, and not one of a group of other women acknowledges the woman has just given birth. Even if just to ask how you are. This seems particularly exuding behaviour. What were your DHs thoughts on that?

Searchingsound · 11/05/2022 15:43

@Swayingpalmtrees don’t affairs usually involve sex? Therefore if you think a significant proportion of school mums make friends with dads to have affairs it’s is therefore ‘akin to an invite for sex’ as I said.

@WTF475878237NC do please post links to all this research that shows ‘good people’ in happy relationships being drawn in affairs because they went on an innocuous activity like a play date 🤔.

People have affairs because they want to. Full stop. #won’tsomebodythinkofthepoormenz

Heartofglass12345 · 11/05/2022 15:57

I can't imagine them inviting you if they don't know you though, wouldn't you just go anyway - it's your child as well.
They probably congratulated him because they feel like they know him. I doubt anyone would bat an eyelid if people ignored the dads.

WimbyAce · 11/05/2022 16:05

If you genuinely want to speak to the other parents then take the baby with you on the school run, guaranteed ice breaker and lots of material for small talk.

Blubbebubba · 11/05/2022 16:14

I'm School, it's easy to see who's shy or left out and include them. But as an adult, if you see someone going out of their way to avoid you, you assume they're not interested.

Yabu, im afraid. I hardly saw any preschool mums due to birth etc. Husband knew all the parents. But I put more effort in after dc got older to wave or say hi at the least.

DorritLittle · 11/05/2022 16:14

OP, are you usually one to avoid people? I did this after my babies and I was probably postnatally depressed.

5128gap · 11/05/2022 17:26

Heartofglass12345 · 11/05/2022 15:57

I can't imagine them inviting you if they don't know you though, wouldn't you just go anyway - it's your child as well.
They probably congratulated him because they feel like they know him. I doubt anyone would bat an eyelid if people ignored the dads.

Well, while not polite to ignore the dad, it's a different level of impolite to ignore the woman whose just given birth to the baby!

redskyatnight · 11/05/2022 17:33

5128gap · 11/05/2022 17:26

Well, while not polite to ignore the dad, it's a different level of impolite to ignore the woman whose just given birth to the baby!

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It's so unlikely that a whole group of parents would congratulate DH and not OP, that I'm assuming it didn't happen - more likely there were general "congratulations" spoken in the direction of both of them, and when OP didn't respond the conversation became focussed on her DH.

And I'm not sure why people think DH should have introduced OP to the other parents - she's been meeting them on the school run for at least several months!

mycatisannoying · 11/05/2022 17:35

I think you need to grow up, sorry. You get back what you put in.
Congrats on your new baby though!

PumpkinsandKittens · 11/05/2022 17:35

How odd so you’ve been actively avoiding them then get annoyed that your DH has made friends with them and not you? I’m not sure I would speak to someone who had ignored me for months, even if they had just had a baby doesn’t make you special does it everyone is at the school because they’ve had a baby at some point..

Ilovetheseventies · 11/05/2022 17:46

Will you eventually be seeing more of these mums ? If not let DH get on with it. I am sure the novelty will wear off. Should maybe be abit more sensitive to how you are feeling. I am sure you can make some friends some place else, some nice fit guys at the gym then see how DH takes it !

Swayingpalmtrees · 11/05/2022 18:36

don’t affairs usually involve sex?

No, some of the most intense experiences I have had did not involve actual sex.

It is not all about sex that is a very black and white idea of infidelity. People have emotional affairs, they have affairs of the heart and can fall in love without penetration. I can assure you that this happens a lot!
If your idea of an affair is just sexual, then maybe that is why you are so outraged. However, emotional affairs are sometimes more dangerous than casual sex searching and any true feeling that develops can happen spontaneously if the timing happens to fall into place.

I am not suggesting for a minute that will happen to op, but it is worth considering why they invited dh and not her to the playdate, and why she is being blanked. There is an issue there beyond op ducking out of small talk at the gate in my view.

Swayingpalmtrees · 11/05/2022 18:38

I would also add that it was also strange that op's dh did not introduce her, and seemed to participate with their decision to ignore her. What kind of dh goes along with that kind of behaviour? It is quite disrespectful of all of them.