To ask how to deal with MIL favouring other GC over my Dc

[planetme]

MIL never bothers with our 3dc age 16, 12 and 8. She is not interested. It's always us making the effort to see her and if we ever need babysitting it seems like it's very hard work 😓 and when she's occasionally had them she usually lets us down in some way. so we rarely ask

That would be fine because of course some people aren't natural grandparents

However - she has looked after my SILs 3 dc (6,4,2) from pretty much birth onwards, she has them full time while SIL works. Plus babysits often at weekends so sil can have nights out etc. SIL is expecting dc4 now as well, no doubt knowing full well her life will barely be interrupted as mil will help with that one too

plus mil takes them on holiday and attends all their birthdays etc, sees them on Christmas Day - she has never done this with mine

I honestly don't understand what is wrong with my DC that she is so disinterested 😞.
Sad thing is mine are old enough to see it now and I do worry in case it affects them

It affects my relationship with dh a bit too as he won't ever say anything to her. I understand that if he did it probably would not change anything but I don't know how he can sit and accept his own kids being second class citizens in his mums eyes
And if this was my parents favouriting other gc over mine then I would say something

I just think that many mothers in law do bond better with their daughter's children. It's often a less stressful relationship.

Whatever the reasons for this, if your oldest is 16 it’s clearly not going to change now. Just forget about it and get on with life.

I would just stop making any effort to see her. Your DC shouldn't be forced to visit her if they don't want to.

To clarify….the MIL is your husbands mum and the SIL is your husbands sister ie your MILs daughter?

I think the situation is quite normal. My mum (im her daughter) is heavily involved in my DCs lives we do day trips have meals together, hang out. She sees DBs children but certainly isn’t heavily involved. She doesn’t feel comfortable in their home, doesn’t really agree with his wife’s parenting, doesn’t really warm to the dgc. I don’t get on with my PIL (lots of reasons) so we don’t see much of them, unless DH sorts it out.

It’s sad and unfair to your kids and I don’t blame you for being upset.

You can’t change her . All you can do is see as little of her as possible. Let your husband be the one to visit her her not you.

Keep you kids away as much as you can so they don’t get hurt when they see the unequal treatment with their cousins. Protect them as much as possible.

You can only change your own behaviour , not hers.

Perhaps your MIL has always favoured her DD and your DH just sees it as an extension of their usual dynamic?
Not saying it's right but it might explain why he doesn't say anything.

It is rubbish but not a lot you can do now. Don't oblige your children to visit their grandparents who have not been very interested in them.

How is your relationship with your MIL?
my mum is a wonderful grandma to all her grandkids, but theres a definite difference to one of my brothers children. My mum has a very close relationship with me and one of my SIL and she babysits for us constantly.
My other SIL never asks. She did sometimes in the beginning and my mum took her kids, but they always ended up fighting in the end because something my mum did wasnt good enough. SIL is very precious and complains all the time, so now my mum doesnt really offer anymore.
She loves all her grandkids the same and often says she is sad that she doesnt see those 2 as often, but she also doesnt feel comfortable enough to just drop by their house spontaneously. She does that with me and one brother all the time.

Well it is a real shame, but you can't do anything about it (unless there are issues between yourself and mil for which you are at fault). You can't ever make one human love another human more than they do. You can only ask for politeness and respectfulness. Assuming she isn't rude/nasty, then for whatever reason she just doesn't want a deeper relationship with your kids. It's very sad.

Your focus is presumably on how to protect your kids from feeling hurt by it? I would just tell them it like it is - "mil is really busy and doesn't have much time". Don't instigate visits. Just leave the ball in mils court. Maybe she'll pick it up, maybe not, but if your kids don't have expectations of her they won't be disappointed.

I had one set of loving involved GPs, and one set of distant GPs who had no interest in us. My folks just said "that's the way they are" etc, and I accepted that. It wasn't my fault they didn't like me, it was something wrong with them! You just have to get that across to your kids.

It has nothing to do with your kids. It’s either a product of MIL’s relationship with her son or her old-fashioned idea that it’s appropriate to be more involved with a daughter’s children than with a son’s (because you know your daughter’s children are related to you).
Move on and enjoy other family relationships.

her old-fashioned idea that it’s appropriate to be more involved with a daughter’s children than with a son’s (because you know your daughter’s children are related to you).

I think that's really unfair, to be honest. It could just be that she enjoys spending time with her daughter and would even if her daughter didn't have kids. Insinuating that she isn't as close to her son's children because she suspects the OP of infidelity is going too far. There's no reason to say something like that.

She's not your mom it's likely she doesn't have to walk on eggshells with her own daughter.

Has anything changed in the 10 years between you having DC1 and your SIL's eldest being born? e.g. has MIL retired or no longer has caring responsibilities or similar? She might just have more energy now because it's not being used up elsewhere.

Did you make her feel welcome with your DC1 as a baby? I hear a lot about MILs being pushed away during the baby stage to make space for the maternal grandparent, which is understandable as we all want our own mums there, but short-sighted and unfair.

Finally, if she lets you down every time she has them in some way, does she feel like it's too much hassle and she'll never be able to please you? There's a big difference between looking after the DC of relaxed parents than those who want very specific things and strict routines adhered to.

If none of the above, then YANBU.

I have seen it in my own family. The mothers family seem to be naturally more involved. My gran for instance minded a lot of my cousins after school, but all her daughters kids. Her 2 sons kids were always welcome and from what I saw treated no different, but never usually after school. 1 sons wife is SATM, 2nd sons kids went to his DWs mother after school. Maybe because a lot of childcare is still organised by the mother she is more comfortable asking her own mother for help?
Of course this will not always be the case, I think my MIL will be very involved when my DS gets here this summer. But we live about a mile apart, my mum is a 3 hr drive.

Agreed that I think it’s fairly common for the maternal GPs - GCs to have a closer relationship due to the mother-daughter bond of the DM and the DGM.

As another has said, you should just forget about it and get on with life.

It’s not that the MIL suspects the DIL specifically of infidelity, it’s just that these are the the subconscious and ridiculous roots of the traditional view. It’s more of an ideal now to treat your children equally, and their children by extension.

My brother feels my mum favours my children over his however I make an effort to visit, to invite my mum out, to include her in things the kids do. He doesn't involve my mum in anything. He doesn't make an effort and then wonders why my mum is more involved with my children.

My mil is more involved in her daughters children's life as she makes more of an effort than My husband does to involve their mum.

It's because it's her daughter she had a mother daughter bond which has extended to her grandchildren..mils can't win how many dils do you see where they are excluded or told they are over bearing?

All you can do is to make sure you treat all your future grandchildren equally and break the cycle.

My MIL has told me how her mothers indifference towards her children/nieces and nephews hurt her. So she vowed to do as much as possible for her grandchildren... and she has.

She doesn't "warm" to her own grandchildren and criticises their parents? Your ma sounds horrible, typical MN MIL.

Your situation with MIL and your nephews/nieces does sound a bit extreme, as that's a pretty heavy load of childcare/babysitting etc. And the birthday and Christmas thing sounds quite unfair and unkind to your children. However, if she hasn't really bonded with your children, is it all her fault? Sorry to generalise but it is often true that adult sons put less effort into arranging contact with their own parents, than daughters do with theirs. It's the case in most of the families that we mix with, that the woman arranges social things with her parents and the man joins in, and occasionally complains that it isn't very balanced and they never see his family, without it occurring to him that perhaps that's for him to arrange.

Not saying this is the case with you, and there does seem so to be an unfair situation re Christmas and birthdays, but if your DH didn't facilitate this relationship earlier on in their lives, then some of that is his fault.

MIL probably feels she's had enough if she is looking after your SIL's kids all the time.

As shit as it is that she favours one set of grandchildren over the other there isn't much you can do.

We are very low contact with my MIL for various reasons but the straw that broke the camel was her lack of interest in our children. The blatant favouritism. When the kids began to notice it themselves we took the final step back.

You do nothing about MIL. It's too late and I'm guessing that this is a continuation of your h's childhood where SIL is the preferred child.

I've heard on here about MILs doing this because they assume that your mum is doing the same to your kids. I know it doesn't make sense but apparently it's an old fashioned "thing" that sometimes happens.

The only thing you can do is treat your son and daughter's children the same when you are a MIL.

What does your dh do to facilitate their relationship? Does he try to take them to visit and she refuses, for example? Even on Christmas Day?
You say your parents see all gc more equally - is there anything your brother does that is different to your dh that helps build that relationship?
It's hard but there's nothing much you can do if your dh isn't going to push, and it's a bit late now if your eldest is 16.

Im sorry op, it’s hard but there’s nothing you can do. I was in a similar position expils made more of an effort with exbil’s children. I think it stems from the fact that exbil was the preferred golden child so that preference went down a generation. I found that if I was every excited about one of dc’s achievements exmil would tell me that the other grandchildren had done it first! This happened literally every time. I’d even make a comment like ‘dd2’s got a tooth or chickenpox’ only to be told how the other grandchildren had been in agony teething or had had more spots than dd2 and she made everything into a competition.

If your dh doesn’t want to comment then there’s nothing you can do. I’m sure you already try to boost your dc’s confidence so just keep being a good mum to them and hopefully they won’t care.

As others have said it's the relationship between the mother and her child that usually creates this type of situation, not the grandchildren. It's not personal and to be honest I can't see how your children are "noticing the difference " unless someone is pointing it out seeing as they are quite different in ages. Do they not also have a relationship with your parents?