To ask how to deal with MIL favouring other GC over my Dc

[planetme]

MIL never bothers with our 3dc age 16, 12 and 8. She is not interested. It's always us making the effort to see her and if we ever need babysitting it seems like it's very hard work 😓 and when she's occasionally had them she usually lets us down in some way. so we rarely ask

That would be fine because of course some people aren't natural grandparents

However - she has looked after my SILs 3 dc (6,4,2) from pretty much birth onwards, she has them full time while SIL works. Plus babysits often at weekends so sil can have nights out etc. SIL is expecting dc4 now as well, no doubt knowing full well her life will barely be interrupted as mil will help with that one too

plus mil takes them on holiday and attends all their birthdays etc, sees them on Christmas Day - she has never done this with mine

I honestly don't understand what is wrong with my DC that she is so disinterested 😞.
Sad thing is mine are old enough to see it now and I do worry in case it affects them

It affects my relationship with dh a bit too as he won't ever say anything to her. I understand that if he did it probably would not change anything but I don't know how he can sit and accept his own kids being second class citizens in his mums eyes
And if this was my parents favouriting other gc over mine then I would say something

What's your relationship with your MIL like? When your DC were born, did you include her, invite her over, let her have plenty of time with them or was the relationship a little bit tricky? I think that often MILs feel much more comfortable with their daughter's children because they feel less judged and their daughter is more willing to let them in.

My PIL couldn't give a shiny crap about DGC that aren't SIL

However my DM and DDad dote on their DGC so they are all much loved and happy

Surely you can reduce time spent with MIL and the other DGCs.
Just move out of that circle unless it's special celebrations or something like that.

Why keep going somewhere where you will be snubbed.
She sounds quite unpleasant - better not to have xmas, etc with her.

Thanks so much for all the replies it's been really helpful to read all the diff viewpoints
sorry for delay replying I've been working. I will try and answer everyone's questions ..x

My kids saw my mother far more than my husband's mum. Not that they were very interested in any of their grandkids. But I agree with pp - depending on the mother/daughter or mother/son, and the MIL relationship with her daughter in law, much more likely to spend more time with daughter's kids than son's.

I have a similar situation and I think it’s because my ILs have outdated view (shared by many here it seems) that Mums are naturally closer to their daughters and their kids.

It doesn’t have to be that way, I know many instances where it isn’t amongst friends and family. My brothers and their kids are extremely close to my parents. But my in laws definitely prescribe to the idea that they should have secondary role to my parents in our childrens lives. I find it very bemusing.

Yes - mil is DHs mum and SIL is DHs younger sister

My mum favours my brother children to mine and regularly babysits them and will pop into their house when passing etc, but never spends time with mine. She always favoured my brother whilst we were growing up so I think it's an extension of that, but it's hurtful to see your children sidelined. I understand that op.
My way of dealing with it if they say anything is to just say that we're so busy doing fun things that we don't have as much time to spend with the grandparents as my brothers children do.

How is your relationship with your MIL?

^ more than one poster asked this

It is generally ok as far as I know. When we do see her, I am always polite, friendly and warm towards her. And she is an easy person to get on with and friendly to me. She has made one or two hurtful comments in the past though which I find hard to forget - a prime example being the day I gave birth to dc2 she randomly said I looked fat (for context I am tiny and actually stayed a size 8 even while pregnant but even if I did look huge you just don't say that to a woman who's just given birth!)

Also I don't know if this is relevant but my eldest, my DS, has a different dad. however I got with dh when he was 2 years old and his "real" dad is useless, so my Dh is basically his dad and they're very close.

She doesn't have to walk on eggshells with me either.

I was in exactly your shoes op. Mil and sil lived in the same street. We lived 3 streets away.. Took a year or more to get mil to agree to allow my dc to see her and fil without sil's dc there. The grand arrangement was 3.30 til 5 twice a week. The rest do the time sil was there. They bought a static caravan to take sil's away. Never ever took mine anywhere or had them round for tea. Sil's slept every week end. And mil had them while sil worked ft... I backed away. Dc never realised as much then.

It’s the same in my family. Dh’s side not interested, my side, not interested.

it’s really really hard to see it.

i cut contact with mine - it was history repeating where my sister was massively favoured over me, now her kids get sleep overs, free endless childcare from birth, loads of presents bought and a really nice close bond.

i asked for her help when I had mine (mine born first) got told no. So to then see all the help offered to her was really really hard. when mine got a bit older and started to notice the disparity in how they were being treated. I stopped visits. What’s the point in making them feel like second class citizens?

i cannot control dh’s family and contact though. We’ve had brief chats about it, sometimes he adamantly defends them, other times he gets it. It’s his family and his call that one though.

it’s really hard, especially when they start to notice. I don’t know what the right answer is. If I’d carried on contact with mine I would be inclined to make jokes with the older ones about it, make it more of a roll eye “in” joke between us.

My MIL has a fantastic relationship with my DC. But that's because she was included and got to spend time with them from the start. When she visited after DS was born, I'd happily pass him over and disappear for a nap or I'd ask her to help me out by making me a drink or preparing a bottle. Yes, I was his mum and I was in charge, but I didn't get precious about it. Also, a LOT of families have a situation where the women is de-facto involved with organising and planning all activities and events. But most women are less likely to put the same effort into facilitating a relationship with their MIL than with their own mother.

My Dh on the other hand calls his mother regularly (she doesn't live locally) and has been organising Skype calls between her and our DC practically since the day they were born. I once came home from work to discover DD had been involved in what turned out to be an HOURs long Skype call with MIL in which she had introduced MIL to each and every one of her dolls and soft toys while chit chatting away about life in general. Dh was nowhere to be seen - he'd set up the call and left them to it. Both MIL and DD were in heaven.

I was having a conversation with a friend this morning on this subject. A mutual friend is about to become a grandmother for the second time, but this time it is her daughter that is the link rather than her son.

With her daughter, she has been part of the pregnancy all through, very involved. If timing permits, she will be at the birth.

With the son's child, there were all manner of things that the son 'wasn't allowed' to tell her and she was very much held at arm's length.

To be honest, this all seems natural to me really. It is obvious that most daughters are going to be entirely more comfortable with their own mothers. However, it is very easy to see that the relationship with her second grandchild is going to be a much closer and easier one - she is a lovely person, who will do all she can to treat both equally, but it's hard to see that she wouldn't be closer to her daughter's child.

Actually, on the DH facilitating the relationship thing with a MIL, I'll add that one of my friends, whose MIL has a brilliant relationship with her DC even though she herself is not close to her MIL at all .... is because her DH regularly piles the kids in the car and takes them up to visit his parents (roughly 2 hours away), leaving her at home for the weekend. So they've had loads of time with the DC and have developed their own relationship accordingly.

Many mothers allow her parents to have a far closer relationship with their children than they allow her in-laws so it really isn't surprising. You reap what you sow.

My mil is like this with SIL’s dc. I’m not bothered- I’d rather not have her around tbh!
if she’s looking after the others full time it would be polite and appropriate of her to offer your dc some token support perhaps some savings money. But given your post I doubt you’ll get anything along those lines… our Mils sound like they’d get on! Ha. Good luck don’t take it personally.. some people are just a bit rude. I think my MIL has been badly brought up and lacks some manners and sounds like yours is the same! X

Unfortunately the only thing I have found that helped with this was distance, which is a shame because it feels a bit spiteful to reduce contact but I just couldn’t keep having my face rubbed in it.
The difference in our situation is that it even extends through to inheritance. DH’s sister’s children get more then ours. We all know this. When asked why, the answer was ‘her circumstances are different’. No further explanation given. Well yes, we all have different circumstances but that doesn’t explain why you’ll give her children pocket money and not ours. Or pick her children up from school but not ours. Or have sleepovers with her children and not ours. I mean I could go on.

@Crimesean

Has anything changed in the 10 years between you having DC1 and your SIL's eldest being born? e.g. has MIL retired or no longer has caring responsibilities or similar?.

She is 70 and has been retired for ten years. So of course when our elder two were younger she'd have had less time to babysit etc. but that's fine, it's not really the lack of babysitting that bothers me as much as the fact she blatantly prefers the other Gc

Did you make her feel welcome with your DC1 as a baby? I hear a lot about MILs being pushed away during the baby stage.

No we always made her very welcome..

Finally, if she lets you down every time she has them in some way, does she feel like it's too much hassle and she'll never be able to please you? There's a big difference between looking after the DC of relaxed parents than those who want very specific things and strict routines adhered

No I'm a very relaxed parent and never really had routines
However when I say she lets us down, it's usually something like she'll ask us to collect then early (usually cos SIL needs her help!).
And memorably, once while looking after our DC while DH and I were away for the night for his 50th, she inexplicably decided that it was ok to go and collect the other GC and bring them all round to our house while they all had COVID 🤦‍♀️ . Im laid back about covid too but knowingly bringing it into my house i am not ok with !! And this was last summer so before the guidance changed

@lassof

What does your dh do to facilitate their relationship?

He is a really good son. He always makes the effort, he's always the one to call her, but generally it's hard to have a conversation as she's normally got the other GCs so they're wanting her attention
So he tends to have to cut the calls short as he literally cannot have a proper conversation

When ever we have free time he suggests to her we go and see her. But then she's almost always got the other GC and as they're all under 7 it's not quality time as such. That said, my dc do like their little cousins, as do I !

Dh and mil are actually very close - well at least they used to be ! I think it hurts him tbh and that's why he doesn't wanna rock the boat 😞

Same with my parents

They absolutely adore all their GC so I am very lucky and grateful that is the case.

I had this with my own mil. She never had a good word to say about my 3 children but adored her daughter's son. It didn't stop her inviting herself to our house whenever she felt like it. I was constantly hosting Sunday lunches, Christmas dinners, family bbq's etc. I don't know why I let myself get walked over so much but I wanted my children to have a good relationship with all their grandparents but really, i was banging my head against a brick wall.

Now she is in her nineties I hardly see her and my children don't see her. She never asks. My husband makes sure she is ok and I help out in emergencies or if my dh wants me to. He completely understands how I feel and wishes his parents had tried harder with our children. Sometimes I feel a bit guilty but tbh it's a relief to not have to spend time with her. I regret the years I spent trying to build a better relationship. I was trying to do the right thing.

That's so sad

I Hope if I'm lucky enough to be a mil/ grandmother I will be a better one than a lot on this thread

It's hard and I've experienced it myself but there isn't much you can do. My dh wouldn't raise it with his mum because she lives with my bil so will naturally be closer to his kids. It's the blatant favouritism I can't stand. However my kids are 6, 4 and 8 months and my eldest can see it. She isn't interested in her grandma despite my trying to facilitate a relationship. It's their grandmothers loss.

I have raised it with mil though and her response was that I'm capable and don't need or ask for help whereas sil(bills wife) does. Her needs and that if her children are greater than mine. I'm not asking or expecting childcare but we live 10 minutes away and didn't visit when my son went to A & E and had stitches or my dd had bronchiolitis and was on oxygen and antibiotics in hospital for a week. I've given up but I have made dh aware that when mil needs care she can get it from bil and sil because I will not be doing it. Makes me sound like a petty bitch and I probably am but she won't put herself out for me or mine so I'm not willing to either.

The only advice I can give you is to stop trying, don't expect anything from her. Leave contact up to your oh. Focus on your own nuclear family.

The phrase 'A daughter is for life, your son is your son until he gets a wife' is pretty reflective of my mother's and grandmother's attitudes. I know this phrase is 'debunked'/ generally dismissed as nonsense/ old fashioned....
But it is it possible she's closer to her daughter and assumes your family is closer/ more involved in your littles lives?