To ask how to deal with MIL favouring other GC over my Dc

[planetme]

MIL never bothers with our 3dc age 16, 12 and 8. She is not interested. It's always us making the effort to see her and if we ever need babysitting it seems like it's very hard work 😓 and when she's occasionally had them she usually lets us down in some way. so we rarely ask

That would be fine because of course some people aren't natural grandparents

However - she has looked after my SILs 3 dc (6,4,2) from pretty much birth onwards, she has them full time while SIL works. Plus babysits often at weekends so sil can have nights out etc. SIL is expecting dc4 now as well, no doubt knowing full well her life will barely be interrupted as mil will help with that one too

plus mil takes them on holiday and attends all their birthdays etc, sees them on Christmas Day - she has never done this with mine

I honestly don't understand what is wrong with my DC that she is so disinterested 😞.
Sad thing is mine are old enough to see it now and I do worry in case it affects them

It affects my relationship with dh a bit too as he won't ever say anything to her. I understand that if he did it probably would not change anything but I don't know how he can sit and accept his own kids being second class citizens in his mums eyes
And if this was my parents favouriting other gc over mine then I would say something

There's meant to be some evolutionary reason behind this. The Mother knows her daughter's children are absolutely biologically related to her, whereas with a DIL there is always the possibility its not her son's. Some such nonsense.

Heard this same thing time and time again, and from my own experience MIL and FIL have hardly bothered with my 2 (17 and 13) but are all over SIL's (5 and 1) like a rash, and have been since their birth. Always been us that has had to make the effort and go over there, and even though now they have moved close to us, they still don't make the effort. Can count on 1 hand the number of times they've taken the kids out anywhere, whereas they have SILs at least once a week. Photos of them all over the house, whereas my kids ones have been put away into drawers.

Such a shame as my own Mum is elderly and lost my Dad long ago, so hoped they would be more involved GPs. Their loss ultimately, my kids have no real relationship with them. Guess SIL's kids will be the ones visiting them in the Old People's Homes 😉

I seem to be the only one who had the opposite problem ; my DM wasn’t interested in my DC but did everything she could with DB( aka Golden Child) DC. On the very rare occasions I asked for help , she refused . If asked why she helped DB and SIL so much I was told they needed a break !

My mil is the same , mine are 18/16 now but they noticed the difference years ago
They have no real relationship with dh parents and I now consider it my mil/ fil loss
Difference is my dh does see it and has over the years brought it up but nothing changes
We are now just low contact and its better all round especially for us as we aren't let down , but I do know hurts dh still especially when he sees pictures on facebook with her and other GC

@Thefaroeislands no its not normal, your mum gc are all her gc are they not?
Im so sick of this parents are not close to sons rubbish , plenty manage it and at very least for their GC
Yes might be personality clashes that happens also with peoples own children

My own Mother isn't interested in any of her GC, though she talks a good game.

I think it's down to the person. I have three sons and if I am lucky enough to have any grandchildren, I will be there to help with bells on!

Mine are a bit older now and I don't work because of my middle child's care needs. It means I can help my sister and my friend with their little babies and I absolutely love it.

I also look after two little girls some weekends who come from a big local family and like to do sewing and cooking with me. It makes me happy to look after people, big and small.

My mum manages to treat mine and my brothers children equally , she didn't always see eye to eye with my brothers ex wife but she made an effort as they are all her gc
I have so many friends whose mIL are hands on and involved
Yet you always get the very old fashioned narrative of well a mum will be closer to daughters kids
Rubbish , my sil tried this on me
I always welcomed my mil, invited her around , told her to pop in whenever , never had strict rules with my kids and in fact if someone else had them other than anything dangerous pretty much let them do as they wished.
We made so much effort and it never mattered
Yes sure some mIl are treated poorly as are some mums
But some MIL just aren't interested and same as some mums to daughters also
You have grandchildren you try and make an effort with all of them and treat themas fairly as you can
I don't remember my dads mum treating us different to his sisters kids
People do it because its suits them

I would stop making any effort. If DH wants to take DC to see her, let him.

Just stop going over there. Why let her cherish the delusion that she is a good grandmother to your children?

Doesn't warm to her grandkids?

No. That's definitely not normal.

Similar for us @planetme . PIL, especially MIL, hugely favoured their other gc. Never babysat for us once, never took our kids out, did loads for DSILs kids. Every time we saw them they’d talk endlessly about the favoured gc, if we told them about something our kids did they’d immediately say the other gc did that too (but better). There was nothing we could do about it, I knew they wouldn’t change.

This will not change. My MIL was exactly the same. I very quickly accustomed myself to it so I could allow it to wash over me.
My MIL did all my SILs childcare, laundry and practically clothed her children. Occasionally I would be given something for my children with the line, 'Take these on as ours have finished with them now'. I don't think she had any idea how it sounded.

There was something you could have done. Removed your children from the situation.

If the GPs aren't interested, then stop foisting your DC on the miserable bastard. Let the DC spend time with people who want to spend time with them.

As I lost my own mum before my kids were born, I bent over backwards to try to get my MIL involved with my children. She's just not arsed. She's very close to her daughters kids (or so Facebook says) but hasn't seen or spoken to mine for 3 years.

absolutely awful

What is WRONG with these people - absolutely zero awareness of their shitty behaviour

I am so sorry for your loss of your mum

Even more shit of your mil in this case xx

my MIL is the same. I have no family in the UK and my mother died when I was young. When the kids were little she said I should be looked after by my own family… by my elderly dad who lives abroad?

I will try and treat my GC the same if I have any. My teenage kids realise how they treat us and want very little to do with them. They are getting elderly I’m presuming my SIL will be doing everything for them soon - shopping, hospital appointments etc… I’ll be retiring and travelling abroad and enjoying myself. I will not be running round after them.

She's your mil but she's her daughters mother, I think it's quite normal for a mother to be closer to her own daughter than her daughter in law. My parents have a similar relationship with our children who are also similar ages to your sils children. My in laws aren't involved doing childcare like my own parents granted this is our choice. From a dynamics point of view I can tell my parents when I don't want them to do something and they can tell me when they are annoyed without ww3, if it was my mil doing childcare it would be completely different, she'd probably take offence and cause a fallout, I don't have time for that and to put it bluntly trust my own parents more. My brother never had children but I'm sure my sils mum would be more involved than my mum. I wouldn't take it personally, it's a mother/daughter thing.

This.

I would cease any effort.
No would I encourage my children to go there.

I think you are very wrong to have your children around this.

You do not need to argue with your husband, you just tell him that he can organise visits as you won't be.

I would be far too protective of my children to allow them be exposed to that.

I would reflect back her lack of interest by never mentioning her or showing any interest in her.

If the children ask, tell the truth, don't deny what they know to be true.

It's not their fault, it's just that she has chosen to give all her time to her daughter's children.

I think very poorly of men like your husband who put his mother ahead of his children.

@LightEveningsAreBack

I wouldn't take it personally, it's a mother/daughter thing.

No, Light, not seeing your son's children on their birthdays and Christmas, and never taking them on holiday, but doing ALL these things with your daughter and her children is not a thing, let alone a mother/daughter thing. At least it shouldn't be.

And calling your daughter-in-law fat on the day she gives birth is not a thing either.

I totally agree with that

Glad you picked up on the calling me fat thing - it was very hurtful and although it was almost 13 years ago I'll not forget it

Also (on a rare occasion she Babysat) - she brought the other gc round mine when they had COVID!

@Indicatrice that was to you I forgot to quote your post x

Agree with lighteveningsareback. What happens when uninterested mil becomes very old and needs extra care. Are all these daughters who are happy for their mums to sideline sons children happy to take on all the extra care duties for their elderly parent or do they complain that their brothers and wives are not pulling their weight in looking after elderly parents.

After years of my mil being disinterested in my children, never babysitting and belittling comments, I am not inclined to take her out for lunch, ask her for dinner etc. I do take her for necessary appointments if my husband can't and my sil is working. I am not unkind but I owe her nothing and my days of being a pushover are done.

So your mum thinks it's acceptable to give innocent children the cold shoulder because she doesn't agree with their mum's parenting????

@Thefaroeislands I'm sorry but your Mum sounds horrible. Awful. Her behaviour is absolutely APPALLING

You do nothing or you will be labelled jealous, petty and ridiculous as obviously she treats all her GC and its just you causing trouble - can you tell I have been there?
Your DC will notice though and become less bothered about her too (although it will be heartbreaking to watch) and you make sure everyone understands that its her daughter that will be providing care in her old age if its required.

We have the same situation DS’s are young teens now. I’ve just gone low contact and crack on concentrating on my own relationship with my lovely boys. This has helped tbh as I feel I’ve taken control of it and it’s limited the opportunities she has to make us all feel shit!

I do see her at wider family gatherings and I’m polite. She’s made a couple of comments along the lines of “we don’t see you much” or “we never know what’s going on with your life these days”. I don’t respond and just let the comment hang there. I really don’t think she would have any awareness of her own behaviour so no point addressing it and after 16 years it would be too little too late anyway!