....to think weddings are (mostly) ridiculous now?

[TalkSomeSense2]

Or perhaps I'm overly invested in the dramatic wedding chat on here sometimes! 😁And then with the whole dragging everyone in to all the chat/decisions/drama/flouncing. It's just all so much!

The more expensive and flamboyant the wedding, the shorter the marriage. Agree or Disagree?

I don’t think it matters what kind of wedding you have, but as some people have suggested, if you’re going to have guests make sure you treat them as honoured guests and not extras to make you look good. Have your wedding in a place where it’s easy for people to get to and from, have it in reasonable distance of reasonably priced accommodation, feed them properly, make sure there’s enough to drink, make sure it’s warm/cool enough to be comfortable, don’t have it at 11am and expect everyone to hang around until 5pm to eat, make sure you have enough money to give everyone a good time - if you can afford to give 50 people a great time or 100 people a cheap, mean, time, got for the 50 option. Everyone will be much happier.

Another one that's baffled about the MN attitude to weddings. Ours is in 3 weeks and I'm now concerned I must have offended everyone we love simply by inviting them.

Ours would be an enigma to MN. It's not extravagant in terms of piles of unnecessary extras (no dove release, band, favours, magicians, acrobats, only 45 guests, a buffet) but has still cost £15,000. Will it be over in a year by virtue that we've spent so much, or will we be together forever because we had a simple buffet in a marquee at an amazing location. I really don't know what to think

My experience of weddings in real life has like PPs born no relation to MN experience. I've always been honoured to be invited and attend, and have never sat and thought 'Ha ha! That's because they had a photo booth, showy bastards' if they split up further down the line.

For the record, both the most extravagant and most simple weddings I've been to and both happily still together over a decade on and counting.

I’m nearly 50 and weddings haven’t changed much in my lifetime.

I’d always be flattered to be invited to a wedding, but I haven’t yet been to one I actually enjoyed (including my own). The actual ceremony is usually nice but it’s the hours afterwards standing around doing nothing, eating not enough of bad food at strange times of day etc.

We had a pretty big/expensive wedding. Had a lovely day and people have been kind enough to say that they really enjoyed it. I hope they did; I certainly did. But it was (in my case) over 15 years ago; it doesn’t matter and it’s not something I think about very often. We are very happy together and so the focus is on life, our kids - other stuff.

I suppose I’m trying to say that it’s not so much about the type of wedding, it’s the focus on it. It shouldn’t be the “best day of your life”, just the start of a life together with many good days to come. It’s where the focus is the wedding, rather than the marriage that comes after it, that I think you have a problem….

PS Yes please to @PlasticineMeg - we must have a “Laura’s special day” thread. Please!

Reality is that you can spend £150 or £150000 on a wedding and the end goal is still the same, so what exactly does spending that kind of money achieve other than to look showy and potentially end up in debt or beholden to your family.

”looks showy”?! How?! The reason why weddings become expensive is because you’re hosting your family and friends. Your £150 wedding might be cheap but you couldn’t invite anyone along to that to celebrate with you. Which might be fine if you have no friends like lots of MN but the reality is that if you want people to have a good time it costs money. You can do it on the cheap but then your guests will be left hungry and thirsty.

The MN mantra of “weddings that spend money are tacky BUT you should also feed and water guests lavishly” are at complete odds with one another

I had a work colleague who was still paying off the loan for the wedding long after the divorce.

My attitude is that you should never get into debt for a wedding either as the B&G or as a guest.

i agree, the big fancy weddings don’t always make for the best marriages. DH & I had a simple wedding, still happily married 28 years later. Too much focus on the wedding day, and hen weekends to exotic locations, what’s wrong with a few drinks with some friends locally. I think with the financial squeeze weddings will hopefully go back to simpler events. They make the best weddings, not couples taking out huge bank loans, to be like a celebrity for the day.

I don’t get the concept of getting married and the ceremonial aspect (apart from the legal side), even a registers office situation is still a bit OTT. Meh it just feels a bit cringe to me, but I also loath to be the Center of attention, I really don’t need grand gestures from my partner I would hate it 😂

Also I don’t know anyone my age (25-35) who is planning on getting married to their partners ever, not sure if there is a correlation but nobody in my friendship group wants more than 2 children, I only have 1 DC to my partner of 12 years, (anecdotally I have 2 friends who are close to 40 who never want children), we all also work full time in jobs that 30 years ago just wouldn’t be normal for women to have (STEM related mainly).

I predict that the trend for these large massive weddings, or even marriage at all, is going to be on the decline. It’s too much of a faff to plan, and an unnecessary expense given the cost of living these days. I think people aged 25-35 are now more focused on their careers, getting onto the property ladder and working out how to find an extra 12 grand a year to send their 1 DC to nursery to boot..

But there’s a difference between a wedding where you have a nice meal, some drinks and some music which costs a lot by virtue of the fact you’ve invited a lot of people and the fact that it’s a wedding makes any venue apply about 20% to the price, and a wedding where you have ten bridesmaids, several flower girls, groomsmen, page boys, all wearing extortionately expensive outfits and doves and ice sculptures and the like. That is show and nothing more.

You can spend money for a decent time, and you can spend money for the sake of spending money so that people can see how much you’ve spent.

I went to a wedding which cost £30000 and this was 25 years ago. She had 9 bridesmaids, they had swans at the venue, released doves instead of confetti. The food was shit, the service was shit, and the band were shit, so it was all about the show.

And she left him 10 weeks later.

Getting married costs a couple hundred pounds.

@Joystir59

Agreed it’s a convenient excuse for men who don’t want to financially tie themselves to their partner. Hear it all the time and it’s nonsense.

So what? Are you pleased about the fact that your so-called friend spent a load to try and make it the best, most entertaining day possible for her family and friends and then split up anyway? What business is it of yours really how much money people spend on their wedding and how much they spend on all those things?

With judgemental “friends” like this who needs enemies ey.

@PlasticineMeg how long before someone cracks and tells your brother that no one really cares about 'Laura's Special Day'?
Not inviting his own son is appalling behaviour. In my family my mum would definitely have had words about that!

When it's close family it's very very hard to not go. It can cause fall out that will last years!!
So unfortunately sometimes you have to just spend the money and go.

None of my female fiends want financially tying to their partners, we are all independently financially secure from them which is more and more the trend these days.

This view is incredible outdated sexist none sense

@Beepbopblop

That is great for you and your friends but it’s not something I have encountered in my circle.

Many, many women still leave themselves financially vulnerable when children appear on the scene.

I genuinely think that’s no longer the norm, average mothers age at child birth is now over 30 years old, so mothers are more likely to be in jobs and built up some financial independence.
I posted up thread that zero of my friends want to get married at all

@Beepbopblop

that’s great, I’m all for female financial independence.

I am referring to my current circle. I had 3 children by the time I was 26. Friends similar.

I do know of a few men though who cannot afford a wedding but can afford to buy another house etc in their name, whilst girlfriend sits at home raising kids.

There are many legal and financial protections for both partners when you get married. Not just the women. Really basic things like widow/widower pension, inheritance tax, legal rights, etc.

I agree with you about the "cringe" and not wanting to be centre of attention. So we skipped the whole wedding thing and just got married. I think it's foolish not to do that if you have children, to protect all of you.

By MN standards our wedding would be 'extravagant' by simply having as many people and 'too quirky' for having food trucks instead of a sit down meal. Then again, mn also would have dragged us through the mud for a) inviting kids b) asking for money c) making it semi-formal d) not having any accommodation on offer e) inviting them in the first place f) DARING to invite evening guests

@ShirleyPhallus yes! MN are so snobby about weddings they've been to where they shock, had to buy a drink, or went two hours without being fed and so were forced to leave early. I stuffed my guests full of food and not one of them had to pay for a single drink. It cost me the best part of 10k to do so.

I do really think the key is about not spending more than you can afford. We decided we wouldn’t go into debt for our wedding because it seemed silly to us and we knew it would be a real stressor. I was initially against spending much at all, but when we started planning our day and looking at venues we realised that there was a really wonderful version of our wedding at a dream venue where we could pay for our guests to stay, eat and drink all weekend. We have the money to do it and it’s not doing much sitting in the bank this year other than depreciating so we’re spending a lot more than I initially expected , but we’re so happy with the plans. We also are lucky enough to own a house with a good chunk of equity and my family wanted to help us out financially with the wedding (although not something we needed or asked them to do).

I’m really excited, especially after the last two years, to bring the people we love most in the world together and have a really fun weekend where we can just relax and celebrate our marriage. It’s going to be a tiny guest list so no one will be there who doesn’t really care about us.

We easily could have gotten married much more simply, but we’ve had a lot of fun planning it (and had a year long engagement which feels perfect for us.) and will hopefully have a lot of fun on the day and on the honeymoon.

You were a good host. You spent the money to help your guests have a good time, not to turn yourself into a pwincess.

The worst wedding I went to included a hog roast, dove release, fireworks, childfree in the middle of nowhere requiring 2 nights in a hotel & 3 days childcare, long drive between church and venue, beef dinner for the men and chicken for the women (!!), a giant YouTube video/slideshow of the bride throughout her life, a string quartet, and a neon sign of the b&g names. All on the same day. I think the queen's diamond jubilee had less fuss.

I hate weddings, especially overblown expensive dos, which is why I don't go to them unless it's a simple registry office one.