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Original poster

To be a bit pissed off with friend. CF?...

83 replies

SandyMojito · 10/05/2022 13:54

Hi,

So I've had this friend for almost 5 years now. We're close (ish) and in all honesty, where as I used to admire her gutsy, go getter attitude, I'm now seeing it differently and wondering if actually she's a bit of a CF.

She told me a few months ago that they were cutting back on extras like eating out, cinema etc because they wanted to take their son to Disney World next year. Lovely, I thought and seems like a sensible plan to be cutting back on non essentials.

Anyway, she keeps asking if they can come over for dinner, as it's "still a treat for them and their ds, but without having to fork out to go to a restaurant!" I think she believes I will just be flattered, because she's complimenting my cooking and house ( don't live in a mansion or anything, but she's into interior design, so is interested in that sort of thing) I have been flattered, but now I'm wondering whether she was just trying to butter me up.

Don't get me wrong, I'd be happy to have them over more often and dp and I do enjoy cooking and hosting, but I don't want to have to change our plans or factor them in because I feel awkward or rude to say, actually....no. You wait to be invited don't you? You don't invite yourself!

Last weekend we were having a BBQ and I know she was trying to get an invite. Again, starting with the compliments about wanting to see the garden since we did it up, but I thought, no, why should I now go out and buy more food and drink, because you're saving for a hugely expensive holiday?! We just wanted a quiet afternoon BBQ, just our family.

This is rude, right? I'm hoping she just gets the message soon. I don't want our friendship to come to an end, but it's getting awkward.

How would you handle this?

OP posts:
Notimeforaname · 10/05/2022 13:56

Tell her yes you'll cook but she must bring the food. See what she says.

Hohoholymoley · 10/05/2022 13:57

I start saying no. If you want tell her you're starting to save for something and you'll be popping over for your tea.

JemimaTiggywinkle · 10/05/2022 13:59

Just say, aw you came to us last time, why don’t we come to you this time?

Don’t keep feeding her if she never returns the favour.

Steamoutmyears · 10/05/2022 14:00

I wouldn't stand for this for a second!

Squillerman · 10/05/2022 14:01

I’d tell her she can come over if she either contributes food and drink or pays you. She can’t invite herself over to yours for free food because she’s saving for an unnecessary expensive holiday. Definite CF.

Summerholidayorcovidagain · 10/05/2022 14:03

I had a cf friend.. Used to meet up twice a week. I drove to her with a baby as she would only drive local. I used to pay for coffee /lunch as she was always skint. Newly single so I did sympathise.. Until the day she pulled up in a private plate Mercedes convertible.. Felt a right mug.
I moved a bit further away and just stopped arranging meet ups. Never heard from her. Dc didn't even get a 1st birthday card.

jackstini · 10/05/2022 14:04

Do you ever go there?

You could say 'let's put this date in for you to come to us and this date we will come to you'

Or, yes - I'm going to cook X for main, can you sort dessert?

Or suggest you meet somewhere neutral with a picnic each now it's getting nicer

Honeyroar · 10/05/2022 14:05

Just say no, we’re cutting back on our spending a bit too, so we’re keeping it small.

MsVestibule · 10/05/2022 14:06

"Oh, I think it's your turn to host, isn't it?"

Of course she'll counter it with flattery about your amazing house and fabulous cookery skills but she's a brazen hussy so just reply with "it's not really fair for me to have to make the effort every time, is it?". If she still pushes it, you know she's no friend.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 10/05/2022 14:14

"Don't you think it's time you started hosting us for meals? I'm happy to invite people round for the odd dinner/bbq but when it's only going one way, that gets my back up"

Original poster
SandyMojito · 10/05/2022 14:15

Some of these suggestions have made me laugh!

I have suggested we go there, but she keeps reminding me they live in a 2 bed flat.....with a fairly large kitchen/diner 🤔 so can fit us all in. Just because we have more space, doesn't mean they don't have enough. I know they do. It's worked perfectly well before on the ONE occasion we went there.

OP posts:
Original poster
SandyMojito · 10/05/2022 14:18

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz , I kind of feel like if I sent a reply like that, the friendship is as good as over. Even though I think I would be reasonable to say so

OP posts:
Inklingpot · 10/05/2022 14:18

Cheeky cow. She’s trying to save money by getting you to make them all dinner.

If you really want to host them, offer maybe once every few weeks and ignore any requests to come to yours to eat.

nearlyspringyay · 10/05/2022 14:21

does she host in return? If not she's taking you for a mug.

Funkyslippers · 10/05/2022 14:22

Easy. If she asks to come over for dinner say you have plans for that evening. And like a PP said, when she 'drops hints' about coming to the BBQ just say you're keeping it to just family. You need to tell her properly without beating about the bush

Leeds2 · 10/05/2022 14:23

Suggest a meet up in the park for a picnic. Or invite her to a BBQ and tell her to bring sausages, and you will supply the burgers. As well as whatever her family want to drink.

jytdtysrht · 10/05/2022 14:25

when you go out for dinner, you pay for the food, the cooking and the service. The best part is you don’t have to bother spending the time doing it, planning it or clearing up.

So she wants you to do it all for free, on demand.

not really how it works.

Original poster
SandyMojito · 10/05/2022 14:25

@Funkyslippers , I know you're right. It's stupid that I'm the one worrying about being rude!

OP posts:
JemimaTiggywinkle · 10/05/2022 14:27

SandyMojito · 10/05/2022 14:15

Some of these suggestions have made me laugh!

I have suggested we go there, but she keeps reminding me they live in a 2 bed flat.....with a fairly large kitchen/diner 🤔 so can fit us all in. Just because we have more space, doesn't mean they don't have enough. I know they do. It's worked perfectly well before on the ONE occasion we went there.

Reply… that’s okay, we don’t mind squashing in, it’s nice to be somewhere different, etc etc.

Or invite her round for coffee etc but make clear it’s not at a meal time. And don’t even offer biscuits in case she snaffles them all to save for later 😂

TeeBee · 10/05/2022 14:28

Just keep saying no, problem solved. She'll get bored eventually...cheeky mare.

tiddlywinks2 · 10/05/2022 14:28

That's so cheeky and rude 😳

If you did invite her to a bbq, could you send her a list of things to bring?

Something like, hi CF, we are hosting a bbq on Saturday, if you would like to come? It's bring your own food and drink, it would be lovely to see you all.

Triffid1 · 10/05/2022 14:30

What makes me laugh about this is how blatant it is? My instinct is to reply with, "would it not just be easier to give you the money of a meal for you to put towards your savings?" or "Why am I paying for you to save money?"

But you could just say something like, "okay, let's say Saturday. You bring dessert and wine and I'll provide the main."

dizzydizzydizzy · 10/05/2022 14:32

My immediate reaction is your friend is using you to save money. It is not rude to tell her, as PPs have suggested, that (a) it is a small family gathering or (b) bring x and y and as your contribution or (c) let's have a picnic in the park.

As your friend is a CF, she'll know you have sussed her if you say one of the above. I'm sure she'll keep trying with the flattery about your house and cooking - just say thank you and then move on.

Dixiechickonhols · 10/05/2022 14:34

She is being cheeky. If she asks for invite I’d say oh you came to us last 6 times we will come to you. If she says no room say it was fine or we’ll meet in park.
If she’s coming over be specific re what to contribute.
She’s got part of money saving memo but is expecting you to fill in the gaps.

Dacquoise · 10/05/2022 14:36

I have very recently realised that a close friend sees our friendship as a very economical one way ticket to socialize at my expense. By that I mean if I don't invite, host and pay out the majority for fares, tickets or meals it doesn't happen. She's very happy to turn up but doesn't reciprocate.

I tested it by trying to reset the boundaries so that she made an equal contribution. Was met with the most ridiculous bullshit excuses ever. I have now backed off completely. She hasn't noticed because I haven't seen her for dust since I made it clear!

That's a 'friendship' of over 25 years. Don't be a mug @SandyMojito , five years in, as it may become irretrievable. Set a very firm boundary now as in 'I made the last meal, it's your turn' 😉

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