To be a bit pissed off with friend. CF?...

[SandyMojito]

Hi,

So I've had this friend for almost 5 years now. We're close (ish) and in all honesty, where as I used to admire her gutsy, go getter attitude, I'm now seeing it differently and wondering if actually she's a bit of a CF.

She told me a few months ago that they were cutting back on extras like eating out, cinema etc because they wanted to take their son to Disney World next year. Lovely, I thought and seems like a sensible plan to be cutting back on non essentials.

Anyway, she keeps asking if they can come over for dinner, as it's "still a treat for them and their ds, but without having to fork out to go to a restaurant!" I think she believes I will just be flattered, because she's complimenting my cooking and house ( don't live in a mansion or anything, but she's into interior design, so is interested in that sort of thing) I have been flattered, but now I'm wondering whether she was just trying to butter me up.

Don't get me wrong, I'd be happy to have them over more often and dp and I do enjoy cooking and hosting, but I don't want to have to change our plans or factor them in because I feel awkward or rude to say, actually....no. You wait to be invited don't you? You don't invite yourself!

Last weekend we were having a BBQ and I know she was trying to get an invite. Again, starting with the compliments about wanting to see the garden since we did it up, but I thought, no, why should I now go out and buy more food and drink, because you're saving for a hugely expensive holiday?! We just wanted a quiet afternoon BBQ, just our family.

This is rude, right? I'm hoping she just gets the message soon. I don't want our friendship to come to an end, but it's getting awkward.

How would you handle this?

Next time she asks, say 'I think it's our turn to come to you guys?' If she reacts negatively and says they're saving money so want to come to yours, say it's not really fair to expect you to host every time, because the expense adds up for you too. If she still refuses to share the hosting duties and expects you to fork out to entertain them at yours, let the friendship slide.

This can’t be real

So rude!

You could say something like - how about we alternate months to host, it's not great for us right now, why don't you go first?

or - ok, come over, could you please bring 2 bottles of wine, chips and dip and a dessert, we'll take care of the main and soft drinks

I know at the moment with the cost of living going up people are not going out as much. Your friend has told you they are cutting back their spending to afford an expensive holiday next year. She is being a CF expecting to call over to your house for meals and not returning the favour. It not your job to feed her so she can have an expensive holiday next year. If your trying to save money meet up in each others house for a coffee or meal. You take turns in doing this or you bring food/drink to each house or BBQ. It will still be cheaper that going to a restaurant or pub.

I think the 'we are trying to cut back on our spending too' response is a really good one to be honest....I mean, she can't really argue with that can she?

Say, we’ll provide venue and access to bbq and you bring food and drinks…

It is anyway, OP. She's using you to save money.

I wouldn't go down the route of asking her to bring wine/dessert or sausages for a BBQ, because she could bring a very cheap item.

I think it should be based on turns. So she doesn't an invite for dinner until she's taken her turn hosting. This is fairest, because cooking is not just about the cost of food, it's about effort. I find hosting a good meal exhausting these days. She needs to make the effort as well.

Oh yes, let's have a night at mine. You can pick up a takeaway on the way usually sees off this cf behaviour.
I can't stand that sort of thing. I think you should tell her.

And sounds like she's trying to tug at your heartstrings with the Disney World kid holiday, the saved money may actually go towards a new car or home.

She is being a CF but if she doesn’t come to yours and she’s cutting back on going/eating out then when are you going to see each other?

I would just suggest that she brings something with her, food for the bbq, a picnic or a bottle of wine.

Before I was married (many moons ago) I had a group of friends, we were all a bit skint so couldn’t afford to eat out so we would take it in turns to cook a meal, I couldn’t really host as I was living in a shared flat so I would just take the ingredients to one of their houses and cook when it was my turn. Maybe you could suggest something similar if she doesn’t want to host as hers?

Op I be vague re next social thing sorry its just families. Money is tight for everyone think you have be the CF too with them!!

It sounds like the CF has a perfectly fine kitchen and diner to cook a meal...

Maybe you would like to go to Disney world too. You could start saving money by not having other people over for dinner all the time.

You are paying for a bit of her trip as she would have to buy her own food with some of the money she is saving if you weren't always feeding her family. Stop doing it.

Next time she invites herself over then have the table set very elegantly with best china and glassware and then serve up beans on toast and water.

Extend an invitation to come over for jacket potatoes and beans as you're saving too! She'll run a mile 😂

Clearly you are being used.

No one needs people like this in their lives.

She will move on quickly.

Self respect would prevent most people from entertaining this type of CF.

Basically she wants you to provide free entrainment for her.

Tell her that actually you are saving too and will be very careful about the amount of entertainment you do......strictly reciprocal!

I wouldn't be giving it much thought to be honest, it's so clearly cheeky - and it would put me right off so I'd be backing right away from her.

I’d reply with a breezy “you’ve inspired us to save up for <made up but plausible thing> so we’re trying to save money too. How about you provide the meat for the bbq and we’ll provide the sundries and drinks?”

I had a friend like this, I stopped telling her what our plans are. She would only eat a meal if I was cooking, otherwise she’d go home and snack.

she knows about your BBQ because you told her, stop doing that, ignore hints about coming over but choose when you want to invite her

Re BBQing, tell her she can bring her own food to barbecue for her family, you're happy to supply the charcoal. Tell her what sides she can bring to share with everyone; you'll do the same.

If she isn't happy about this, she's a CF tying to spend your money to save her own. Not on.

@Legoninjago1 tbh I am starting to feel like this actually. I'm not a walk over, never have been and I don't intend on starting to be one now.

@starfishmummy 🤣 I like this.

I voted YABU for not speaking up. Let her come to the BBQ but make it clear you expect to split costs, and for her to reciprocate at a later date with hosting.

FGS don't take the advice to tell her to bring her own meat to eg a BBQ, as she will turn up with a value pack of burgers that will disintegrate on contact with the grill and then look mournfully at your steak and chicken legs.

Am I right in thinking she invites herself, her DH and their child to dinner at yours??

It’s surprising how much you care about whether she falls out with you! If you know your ‘friend’ will ditch you if you object to her mooching off you, doesn’t that tell you everything you need to know about the friendship?!

Honestly, life is too short to waste precious time and energy on people like this. Raise your bar for who gets to take from you, in every way.